I’m preparing to move in 2 days and currently in the midst of purging almost 5 years worth of junk and memories. I was in my walk-in closet and I found a box that I hadn’t touched in years. It was a bunch of pictures, notes, and cards from my ex-boyfriend. This guy was my first love whom I lost my virginity to and thought I was going to marry. He is also the only really long term relationship (3 years) I’ve ever had.
It took me back to a time when everything was fun and carefree and love was easy. I fell hard and fast and have never felt so secure and taken care of in my life. And it got me thinking: this is what it’s supposed to be like. All those bullshit guys who I thought I wanted to be with and who I thought cared about me didn’t. Not really. First loves and being young makes everything easier because it isn’t complicated by the crap that heartbreak and cynicism does to the mind and heart, but when it’s right it’s effortless and awesome.
I’m waiting for that legit love to come around again, but how long do I have to wait? Is almost 6 years not enough?! Have I not learned what I need to learn? Do I not love myself enough to get what I deserve? I don’t fucking know. But what I do know is that being single for a very long time does some really weird shit to your self-esteem. Like, I feel completely worthless and unvalidated. Which is extreme and sounds very depressing, but when you go through a bunch of dead end hook-ups, friends with benefits situations, and failed courtships it’s kind of impossible not to think those things. I know my family loves me and I have really great girlfriends and roommates, but they won’t hold me when I cry or help me move. They aren’t there everyday to hear about my hopes and dreams for the day, week, and year. They feel a burden instead of an obligation when I ask for a ride to the airport. It’s fucking sad. I don’t need a man to make me happy, and yet I know that I would feel so much more fulfilled if I had one.
The episode of “Girls” this past Sunday really hit me hard. Not only am I a “Marnie” in life, but I empathize with her fully in this season. She is feeling confused and sad about her romantic life and it makes her question herself and her worth. I started crying when Adam’s hot musician friend asked her about her voice and her music. She said her voice was “shrill” and that her music was just “whatever”. He told her that she is wrong and that she shouldn’t have that kind of negative attitude. It was so profound to me how we allow men and failed relationships determine how we think about ourselves.
You are WORTHY of love and you should only accept the best and wait for the person who wants to give and receive that love. When we accept less than that is when we feel lonely and unworthy. You have to get rid of the bad to make room for the good and be open to that ONE who will have the staying power in your life. My acting teacher, Diana Castle (who is AMAZING), always says this quote (and I can’t remember who it’s originally attributed to): “Those who look for love will only find their own lovelessness.” This can mean many different things but in my interpretation it means that we have be patient and not afraid and be the LOVE we wish to receive. If I am coming from lack, I will look to someone to fill me up instead of looking for the one who will ADD to my life.
P.s. I’ve been drinking copious amounts of wine tonight because packing for a move is such a bitch. So I hope this makes sense. 🙂
Be grateful and love yourself and you will attract the kind of love you want and deserve.