Why does the mention of a relationship send a guy fleeing?
I was hanging out with some guy friends after work the other night and I was talking about my bad luck with dating. In the 5 and 1-2 years (almost 6 now, who am I kidding?) that I’ve been single, I’ve had two significant guys in my life whom I dated on and off for about a year and a half each that never became serious or exclusive. I definitely wanted that though and I expressed it to both of them. And BOTH of them got all weird and all “I don’t know, let me think about it.” They gave me responses that were whole-heartedly resisting the idea, and they BOTH let me just walk away without much of a protest. When I told my work friend this story he said, “yeah but you can’t pressure a guy like that.”
This becomes quite a dilemma in my sort of feminist and yet sort of traditional brain. Does it have to be the man’s decision when we become exclusive? Listen, I understand the dating “game” and I play by all of the rules as best I can. I don’t push anything too much in the beginning; I let him ask me on the first date, I let him make the first move, and I think it’s nice if they are pursuing and courting. Men are naturally wired to hunt and gather and if you take that away from them they lose interest.
But sometimes you are dating or hanging out with a guy and you start to get bored and impatient and want to take it to the next level. But ladies, DON’T SAY ANYTHING. You have to let him ask that question or else you run the risk of pushing your caveman (hunter-gatherer, get it?) away. Why is it that any time a girl mentions exclusivity it freaks a guy out?! Is the problem here that they want to be the ones calling all the shots? Or is this a problem of you just aren’t the right girl for them?
Dating is very hard for Alpha control freaks like me because traditionally the woman needs to take a back seat in order for the union to blossom properly. This wisdom has come from years of reading self-help dating books and also years of experiencing how much it doesn’t work when I do the opposite. And to that I can happily comply, but I’m starting to get to a point in my life when I am SO ready for a committed relationship which I hope will develop into marriage, so I don’t have time to dick around with these dudes for months while they decide if they are “ready” for a relationship.
I realize that there are a lot of extenuating circumstances here that may come into play. For example, ex-sort-of-psuedo-boyfriend #1 was still damaged from a previous relationship that had scarred him for life and ex-sort-of-psuedo-boyfriend #2 was about to go on tour and didn’t want something serious right before he was leaving. Whatever, blah blah blah. Maybe the universe is saying they weren’t the guys for me. Maybe I pushed them too much. And is that the reason they ended? Because I couldn’t chill the f out until they were ready?
Once you are finally chosen by your caveman on his terms, you also have to sit and wait patiently for him to ask you to move in and for your hand in marriage. Wait like a good girl and you can have everything your heart desires! But some people can’t wait that long to get what they want. Remember how Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake were together for like 3 years and Jessica wanted to get married and he didn’t? She decided what was best for her was to leave him so that she could open herself up to someone who was ready for that. But 5 months later Justin came back and asked her to marry him. It’s a very sweet story and gives me a glimmer of hope, but I can’t help but think, “well that’s not going to last now”. He missed her and he knew that if he came back he would HAVE to marry her. YOU CAN’T PRESSURE GUYS LIKE THAT OKAY?!
But again I come back to the conclusion that when it’s right hopefully it will just unfold naturally and easily. The guy will be head over heels for the girl, take her out 6 times before sleeping with her, ask her in the most romantic way to be exclusive, and then dote on her day and night and realize how lucky he is to have her. That is as long as us girls are nothing but a submissive lotus flower who is a prize to be won and doesn’t nag or push and is a blow job fanatic. At least in the beginning. Once he’s nailed down then you can let it all fly. Haha, just kidding. 🙂