Caring about someone or something a great deal does not make you weak. It actually does the exact opposite. It shows that you are open and vulnerable and are capable of love. People say “I don’t care” as a defense mechanism, usually when they are worried that someone may find them weak for being upset about something. But if your fear of rejection or feeling sad causes you to never care about things then no one will be able to get close to you and you will end up feeling rejected and sad anyway.
There is this lame ass game in the current dating world of Who Can Care the Least being played and I’m sick of it. And listen up boys, I INVENTED THAT GAME. And not even on purpose. I’m an Aries and our big claim to fame is that we have a very tough outer shell, but secretly are very sensitive and soft, and so out of fear of our own strong feelings we block everything. Not my fault. (I’m a Miranda even though I’m dying to be a Carrie.) BUT, I understand that this is a problem and I’m working very hard to change it.
Our culture is just riddled with this non-commital attitude and it’s very unattractive. My good friend Jackie (name changed) was telling me about her dating woes with this dude who she was really into. They knew each other through a mutual friend and so there was a little bit of added pressure for there to be chemistry, but there is no excuse for this text exchange:
Dumb guy: Did you see Grand Budapest Hotel slash do you want to?
Jackie: I have not seen it slash def want to, I heard it’s soooo good.
Dumb guy: Slash want to come over and we can figure it out from there?
Dumb guy (cont’d): I’m exhausted but want to be social!
Jackie: I am headed to work now so can’t tonight. I leave for a week on Monday so could do tomorrow or maybe when I get back?
Dumb face: All good! I’ll check in tomorrow. Where are you going?
J: Up north to see my folks. 🙂 Wanna just say tomorrow around 8?
Dumb ass: I’ll have to check in tomorrow. Might have to meet up about a project tomorrow night. Will know tomorrow!
So here’s the thing. I’m usually a huge cheerleader for the guys who actually put themselves out there enough to even ask a girl out because that’s some scary business. But with every text convo she sent me I just couldn’t keep sticking up for this guy. I mean, Jackie was pitching him softballs and he was striking out left and right. This conversation would have worked with some 20 year old girl probably, but if you want to date a real woman you are going to have to force a little enthusiasm and gusto. Poor Jackie thought this guy just wanted to be friends because who says things like, “I want to be social” if you are asking a girl out? Going to a movie is not really social and saying the word social implies that you want to be around a bunch of people and not out with a special girl who will have your focus and attention for the night. And the worst part of it all was that he added that in later after he could’ve just stood firmly on his request for her to come over to figure it out. *subtext* “Oh you know what, that probably sounds like I like her too much. Let me throw her off with some general statement about being really tired, so not really wanting to go, but forcing myself to because it will be good for my well-being.”
Also, if you want to have a good chance of a girl being available maybe you should ask her out, oh I don’t know, 24 hours beforehand so she can make arrangements? Day of dates are only acceptable for friends, which is how he is presenting himself to her.
And then what about this so called “project”?! That sounds like the least creative lie I’ve ever heard even for an assistant director. If you are MAYBE meeting with some people to talk about a film you MIGHT be working on, then say that. Don’t be vague and mysterious so early on. You are the pursuer. Oh, I know you’re SO BUSY. You have your career which obviously comes first (especially in LA), but you are making it sound like Jackie is not at all a priority. And that’s not sexy. That’s gross.
We are all adults here, right? When do these games end? Can’t we just be honest with each other and express what we really want in a committed way? He doesn’t have to marry Jackie, my point is that if you are going to make an effort at all why not go full out and try to have a real experience instead of toe-ing the line until the girl loses interest.
And I know, I know, guys will say to me, “yeah but one time I like REALLY liked this girl and was totally into it and expressed that and she freaked out because I was coming on too strong.” There’s a difference between desperate and interested. KNOW IT. If it sounds like I’m being too harsh, just remember that I’ve been single now for almost 6 years. I’ve had a lot of experience and know that it’s a problem for so many guys AND girls and doing it this way will never result in success.
In conclusion I’m going to leave you with a quote from William Hutchinson Murray and Johann Von Goethe that is hanging on my wall right now staring me in the face (it applies to pursuing a career in the arts, but also is relevant to any type of commitment):
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”