Cleansing All the Bad Before Dirty 30


I’ve decided to take charge of my health after a 5 day bender while my brother was in town and start a cleanse. It’s SO LA I know, but this is different than the master cleanse or a juice cleanse. It’s, in fact, way worse. Yesterday I felt like I was going to die. It’s no sugar, starches, dairy, wheat, alcohol, or caffeine. In other words, torture. I’m doing it because I’m trying to get my stomach/digestion back on track, which has been infected with Candida (bad stomach bacteria) for years. It’s going to be a long road, but hopefully it will be worth it in the end.

Since I can’t have alcohol and picking out something I can actually eat at a restaurant seems like such a pain in the ass, I’ve also decided to cleanse from dating and men. I just don’t have the energy right now. I’m not bitter (yet), I’m just finding it difficult to muster up any kind of hope right now. While I was 23 and working at a restaurant in Chicago I told this jerk-off how in love I was with my current boyfriend and his reply was, “I give it 2 years.” I was LIVID with him at the time, obviously, but now I know what he’s saying. What’s the point? It’s all going to end anyway! We can’t have relationships like our Baby Boomer parents have. My generation has too many “countless ideas and splendid plans”* to just settle and live a quiet life and grow old together. Or maybe that’s just LA? Who the hell knows. Either way, I’m just tired of disappointment and I don’t want to pretend that dating is fun anymore. And it mos def WON’T be fun if I can’t drink. And if one more person tells me to try online dating I’m going to kick them in the teeth.

But I digress.

On a more positive note, I really just don’t have time for people who aren’t awesome because I’m totally awesome and I deserve only the best. And so do you. We all do. So, as my 30th birthday approaches in 21 days I want to tell you all that the most important lesson I’ve learned in my mid-late 20’s is that if someone is not supporting you or inspiring you to be your best self, if they are negative or sucking your energy, or if they take more then they give, GET RID OF THEM. I know that sounds super harsh, but this is only a decision that you will come to when you are ready and you will know when that is. I kept around a lot of friends and acquaintances throughout my 20’s that were unhealthy to me for way longer than I should have. If meeting up with your friend sounds like a drag, GET RID OF THEM. If hanging out at a bar with your friend sucks your energy, PHASE THEM OUT. If a guy is not manning up and realizing what he has when he has you, then BYE! Move on.

I broke up with my best friend of 4 years this year after a long spiral of negativity and toxicity and control and I haven’t even missed her. My life is so much more positive and nourishing without her in it. It wasn’t always that bad. We had a lot of good times and fun memories and became very close. But once it gets to that bad place there’s really no going back. She was never supportive of my career and treated me more like a daughter whom she could manipulate than a friend. The thought of not having a best friend anymore scared me because I literally talked to her everyday about everything. But once she was cleansed from my system I had never felt better.

I now have a really great bff who is everything my last bff wasn’t. And being friends with her has made me realize that what you put up with, you really do end up with. I’m so lucky to have this girl in my life who is nothing but supportive, thoughtful, loyal, and fun. It took me getting rid of the toxic relationship to make room for the new one. I’m hopeful that the same will happen in my romantic life too. Some guy I’m friends with on Facebook posted a quote with an unknown author that says, “You want to come into my life, the door is open. You want to get out of my life, the door is open. Don’t stand at the door, you’re blocking the traffic.” I would rather have just a small handful of really great people in my life then have a lot of acquaintances and half-assed relationships.

I also decided to take charge of my “friends with benefits” relationship and tell him that I wanted to take it to the next level or move on. He decided he wasn’t ready for a relationship so I said good riddance. Now, it took a couple of tries for me to end it completely, but at least I had the courage to put myself out there and tell him how I felt and be real. Which is more than I can say for him. And I deserve to be with someone who isn’t afraid to communicate their heart to me. If I have to wait another 5 and 1-2 years to get that (please God, no) then I will do it. My time is too precious to be wasted on someone who isn’t ready to commit.

Your 20’s really are for figuring yourself out and making mistakes. And boy have I made a lot of them. But I know that your 30’s are when you apply what you’ve learned, live life to the fullest, and reach your full potential and best self. At least that’s what I’m anticipating. And you can’t do that when you have a lot of dead weight attached to you. Mark Manson wrote in his blog post entitled, “10 Life Lessons to Excel in Your 30s” that “life is too short to tolerate people. Only surround yourself with the best in love and friendships”, which sums up my point perfectly. I don’t want anything toxic in my body or my life distracting me from what I moved halfway across the country to achieve.

So, I would like to say “Bye Felicia!” to bad bacteria, bad boys, and bad friends and start 30 off with a bang and a clean slate. Because I’m worth it. (Thanks, Loreal. Good slogan.)

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go back to nursing my sugar withdrawal headache.




*from a quote by Goethe

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