I Miss The Boyfriend I Never Had and The Relationship We Were Never In

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Oh, hormones. You’re annoying.

I hope that’s what I can blame this heartsick feeling on anyway. PMS! Yes! I always feel more emotional and needy right before bleed week…

But it’s not just this week. I’ve been feeling this way ever since I walked away from you when you decided you couldn’t give me what I wanted. And I know that was the right thing to do, but then why do I miss you EVERY FUCKING DAY? 

You weren’t even that good to me. We were never in a committed relationship. You did whatever you wanted and saw me when you felt like it. I did the same, but I bet your mind wasn’t going as crazy as mine was. Maybe those were games both of us were playing or maybe you really just weren’t on the same level as me.

We’ve never been on the same level. You wanted me more and chased me for almost two years before I finally came around and fell for you. Maybe you were over it at that point. But I’ll never know because you are such an emotional warrior that you refuse to let me see you vulnerable. I was that way too until I fell in love with you. I thought you were slipping away and so I laid everything out on the table and now I’m left heartbroken.

And the funny thing is, I don’t even think we are right for each other. I think you and I both fell for the wrong person. We fight all the time and rarely give in to each other. How could we possibly survive a relationship? Yet I still want it…

I see and feel reminders of you all the time. I still wear your oversized T-shirt to bed. The pictures of you making out with me in the photo booth on my birthday are still hanging on my bulletin board. Your career is taking off again and I have to see your dumb little fans tweeting at you and leaving stupid messages on your Instagram. But it doesn’t matter because I know you like me best…

Why couldn’t we make it work? Why did you say you loved me and then claim you never said such a thing? Normally I see these things as the universe telling me, “Get out! It’s not meant to be!” But I cannot swallow that this time. Not after 3 and 1/2 years and after I saw that look in your eyes saying that it’s going to be hard but you want to make it work with me.

But then there is that other look where you cast your eyes down and mutter things like, “I just want to have fun”, which makes me think you are more of a boy than a man anyway. You could never give me the attention and affection that I need and deserve. Or could you?

I don’t feel like I’ve even experienced half of who you could be. I wonder if I closed your heart to me by brushing you off for so long. But I’m here now and I want you now. You said you loved me on four different occasions. I know I’m not the only one who wants it. 

The first time this ended was easier. I just thought to myself, “well, I guess I have to move on now.” But then you came BACK and made me THINK that you wanted to really go for it. But then you chickened out.

I KNOW I’m just like your ex. You tell me all the time. I KNOW that you guys fought a lot too and that it took a toll on you. I KNOW that we technically have astrological signs that clash. I’m scared about that too. But I would rather fight with you then be with anyone else. 

There are SO MANY men in this town. WHY do I bother giving you any minute of my time and thoughts and energy?! 

Because I love you. 

And I will continue to love you and miss you until there is someone else I guess. 

 

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