I pretty much find everyone’s relationship to be bullshit. I look at a picture of a couple on instagram and think “fake.” When my friend expresses doubt about moving forward in her relationship I think, “you’re not in love with him.” When a couple starts a family or buys a new house I think, “congrats! You’re stuck in a boring situation you can’t get out of!” The most logical reason for this type of thinking is that I’m cynical as hell or afraid of commitment, but I also really think that most people are so insecure and afraid of loneliness that they’ll grab onto the nearest viable option for dear life and try to mold it into the relationship of their dreams.
People hate the idea of being alone. They need someone to bounce ideas off of, to hold their hand through hardship, to always have a date on Saturday, to spoon them at night, and to support them in their goals. Life is hard and expensive. It’s lonely and scary. It’s much better to go at it with someone else at your side.
So people force things that aren’t there. They settle for good enough. They go on countless dates with the same person because he’s “nice” without feeling any sense of a spark. Not only should you feel a spark, but you should feel FIREWORKS. You should feel BUTTERFLIES! You should feel anxious and nervous and try on 7 different outfits and take photos of it to send to your friend to make sure it’s cute enough. You should get lost in thought fantasizing about that person and smile so big your face hurts when you see a text from them.
Otherwise what is it all for?
Think about how hard it is to actually be in a good, healthy relationship. You have to meet someone that you are compatible with, attracted to, and in the same stage of readiness for something long term at the VERY LEAST. Then you throw in age, profession, religion, sense of humor, politics, ideals, lifestyle, and future goals and hope that most of them match up. There has to be a lot of give and take, good communication, and each person should want to make it work and be willing to be selfless the majority of the time.
Even just to meet someone cool is like trying to hit a target, shooting darts, blindfolded, while drunk. She is cute and awesome but she has a boyfriend. He is funny and great but he just got out of a relationship. He is amazing but he’s 7 years younger than me. She is beautiful but she is an atheist and never wants kids.
Yes, there are apps and dating sites to make this step a little bit easier, and I know I’m in the growing minority when I say that I would rather meet someone organically, but even then you have to compete with an over saturation of options and laziness. If you live in a small town you are constantly surrounded by the same people. If you live in a big city you meet way too many people only one time and then never see them again.
It doesn’t happen a lot, you know?
If you’re like most people, you only love a very small handful of people in your lifetime. So when Erica from human resources jumps from relationship to relationship with barely a month or two of breathing room in between you know that shit isn’t real. But Erica will convince herself that it is because she feels like a leper when she is the only single girl at all the work functions.
Johnny your neighbor just wants to be a dad SO bad. He constantly dates girls who are wrong for him and the next thing you know you are getting an invite to his wedding in 8 months. He is suddenly converting to Judaism and pretending to like country music so that he can make himself become what Miss Good Enough wants and needs so that he can start a family.
The real thing takes time and won’t come if you’re operating from a place of lack. It comes along when you are a complete and fulfilled person in your own life. You can’t force it to fill a void. And if you settle you will always be unhappy. So many people just go for the easy win and will never again experience real and lasting love. What a bleak thought.
I have made a hobby of carefully analyzing other peoples’ relationships. Obviously everyone is different and I can never fully know what goes on behind closed doors, but I can tell who is in something good and who’s not. Those who are in something good look at each other with a sparkle in their eye.
It’s so funny what happens when you ask someone who is in a relationship they settled for what they like about their partner. First, they will have to search for something to say. Then they will reply with things like, “he’ll make a good father” or “he’s very supportive” or “she’s not crazy” or “we have a lot in common.” Those are all great qualities to have, but what about, “he’s fucking amazing” or “I’m madly in love with her and no one else can even compare!?” Using circumstantial adjectives devoid of emotion or feeling are how you describe your job or your boss.
There are SO many fish in the sea. Sometimes you have to wait for a long time for something to bite, and sometimes you will catch a lot of fish that don’t suit you. Just throw them back and recast your line until you catch a whale. Getting scared because it’s taking too long will 10 out of 10 times cause you to choose someone wrong for you.
I think being picky is an amazing quality to have. It’s not about having standards that are way too high, but rather, being more discerning with who gets to know you intimately. If you aren’t feeling it after a couple dates, cut it off. It’s not personal. It’s not business. It’s not a numbers game. It’s about finding the right one. Imagine all the cool and interesting people you could have met during the time you were with the wrong person.
Stop acting so desperate and dependent and just chill. Being with the wrong person is worse than being alone. Think of all the amazing things that being alone gives you! Freedom to do whatever you want! Time to focus on yourself! Limitless nights out with friends! Lots of time to catch up on your favorite Netflix series!
I’ve met a total of three men in my entire life thus far that I’ve seen a long term situation working out with. THREE. I only operate based on an overwhelmingly strong feeling of YES when deciding if someone is right for me. How the hell are you all constantly with someone? How can you possibly like that many people that you legitimately want to be with? You’re lying to yourself and you know it.
If you settle, you will live a life that tastes like vanilla ice cream. Good, suitable, does the job, but BORING as FUCK. Love should scare you and make you feel a little crazy at times. It shouldn’t make you feel out of control, but if you’re not operating on an awe-inspiring vibe that makes you feel buzzed most of the time then it’s probably a sham. Imagine settling for someone you don’t particularly even like that much and are forced to see their dumb face every morning? The Horror!! Just because they will provide you with a nice house, maybe a couple kids, a dog, and financial stability is not enough to get through even 1 year of listening to someone you don’t love clear their throat every 5 minutes or chew with their mouth open.
It does happen. Good things come to those who wait. The stars will align and serendipity will seem real and by law of attraction the universe will bring the right person who is vibrating on the same frequency as you and life will seem SO MARVELOUS and SATISFYING. So don’t block the right person for you by settling for good enough.
*This is an old post that I reworked. It feels very applicable to what I’ve been observing lately, AGAIN