“I can’t give you a relationship because my feelings never got there.”
“I wanted a relationship but I’m going on tour.”
“I never want to be married again.”
These are actual quotes said to me by the last 3 significant men that have been in my life. I held onto them so tightly and tried everything I could think of to make a relationship between us work, but to them, I was merely an everything but girl. I like you BUT I don’t want a relationship with you. I love you BUT I don’t want to marry you. Well what the fuck do I have to do to meet someone who can remove the BUT for me?
I gave them everything I had. I was all in. There were no ifs, ands, or buts for me. Even though they weren’t fulfilling everything that I wanted at the time I was still fully committed. But they were not. They had one foot out the door because of the BUT they had already decided on before we could even really get started.
I didn’t seek out those relationships. They all came to me. It’s not like I was trying to force something that wasn’t there. It was there, but it wasn’t enough. The deal couldn’t close. I’m so tired of attracting that sort of situation into my life but I don’t know how to change it.
I’m fresh out of a relationship so I know that I don’t have to have all the answers right now, but I know that if I keep repeating this cycle for the rest of my life it will kill me. I can’t deal with this type of pain anymore. Even though I was the one who ultimately ended things each time, they were the ones who instigated that. With their unwillingness, their distance, their stubbornness.
I’m a tough case, I understand that. I’m not the most understanding person at times and I’m difficult to deal with 24/7. I’m stubborn and I’m bossy and outspoken and I tend to always think I’m right. But I’m also really loving, empathetic, sensitive, caring, and fun. I’m so fucking fun. So why do I have such a hard time attracting a relationship that isn’t wrought with tears and disappointment?
I know it’s my fault. I’m the one who keeps accepting someone into my life who doesn’t have the capacity to make me happy, but how do I go about breaking that cycle?
I want to be in a relationship where, if it ends, it’s because the love ran its course and we parted ways amicably. I don’t want to be in a relationship where the entire fucking thing is riddled with fighting, breakups and makeups, misunderstandings, and heartache until I finally give up from exhaustion and end it once and for all. Just once, I want to date someone who doesn’t make me cry once a week.
Who are these people who have these great relationships that coast along peacefully and move forward at a reasonable rate? Do they deserve that more than me? Were they more ready than I am? How many more relationships and breakups do I have to go through before I can settle down and relax?
Every relationship has its issues and challenges. I’m not asking for perfection. I’m not asking to not have to work at it. I just want to meet someone who isn’t afraid of commitment or his own feelings. Where are those men? Can we gather them up on an island together so we can take away all the sifting and sorting through the bullshit that we have to so often do?
I can’t wait for the day when I am able to write a blog post about my everything AND man. I hope he finds me sooner rather than later before I give up all hope and resign myself to a life of singledom or more painful relationships.