photo by Lucas Pezeta
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“I can’t give you a relationship because my feelings never got there.”
“I wanted a relationship but I’m going on tour.”
“I never want to be married again.”
These are actual quotes said to me by the last 3 significant men that have been in my life. I held onto them so tightly and tried everything I could think of to make a relationship between us work, but to them, I was merely an everything but girl. I like you BUT I don’t want a relationship with you. I love you BUT I don’t want to marry you. Well what the fuck do I have to do to meet someone who can remove the BUT for me?
I gave them everything I had. I was all in. There were no ifs, ands, or buts for me. Even though they weren’t fulfilling everything that I wanted at the time I was still fully committed. But they were not. They had one foot out the door because of the BUT they had already decided on before we could even really get started.
I didn’t seek out those relationships. They all came to me. It’s not like I was trying to force something that wasn’t there. It was there, but it wasn’t enough. The deal couldn’t close. I’m so tired of attracting that sort of situation into my life but I don’t know how to change it.
I’m fresh out of a relationship so I know that I don’t have to have all the answers right now, but I know that if I keep repeating this cycle for the rest of my life it will kill me. I can’t deal with this type of pain anymore. Even though I was the one who ultimately ended things each time, they were the ones who instigated that. With their unwillingness, their distance, their stubbornness.
I’m a tough case, I understand that. I’m not the most understanding person at times and I’m difficult to deal with 24/7. I’m stubborn and I’m bossy and outspoken and I tend to always think I’m right. But I’m also really loving, empathetic, sensitive, caring, and fun. I’m so fucking fun. So why do I have such a hard time attracting a relationship that isn’t wrought with tears and disappointment?
I know it’s my fault. I’m the one who keeps accepting someone into my life who doesn’t have the capacity to make me happy, but how do I go about breaking that cycle?
I want to be in a relationship where, if it ends, it’s because the love ran its course and we parted ways amicably. I don’t want to be in a relationship where the entire fucking thing is riddled with fighting, breakups and makeups, misunderstandings, and heartache until I finally give up from exhaustion and end it once and for all. Just once, I want to date someone who doesn’t make me cry once a week.
Who are these people who have these great relationships that coast along peacefully and move forward at a reasonable rate? Do they deserve that more than me? Were they more ready than I am? How many more relationships and breakups do I have to go through before I can settle down and relax?
Every relationship has its issues and challenges. I’m not asking for perfection. I’m not asking to not have to work at it. I just want to meet someone who isn’t afraid of commitment or his own feelings. Where are those men? Can we gather them up on an island together so we can take away all the sifting and sorting through the bullshit that we have to so often do?
I can’t wait for the day when I am able to write a blog post about my everything AND man. I hope he finds me sooner rather than later before I give up all hope and resign myself to a life of singledom or more painful relationships.
It’s been said that a person can fall in love 3 times in their lifetime. This is a very startling and depressing statistic for me since I’ve already been in love 3 times. (To be honest I usually say 3 and 1/2. The half part is because to this day I’m still not sure about that one. Which most people would say means I wasn’t in love but I couldn’t have felt so tortured and depressed when it went away if I wasn’t.) Why do we only get 3? Why is there a cap on it? Does our heart not have room for more than that? Or do we become too jaded to allow for more? And what happens to those of us who have already exhausted all of our love options?!
The first great love we get is said to be puppy love. The love that looks amazing from the outside and seems to be right in so many ways. This is the high school or college sweetheart love. I had this love and it was such a special and meaningful relationship for me. But he cheated on me and I fell out of love with him and so that was that. I truly believed that I was going to marry him and would’ve felt comfortable with that choice if circumstances hadn’t made me feel otherwise. This is love that you will always look back on and smile about but know that it would’ve never worked out anyway because of how much you’ve changed as a person since then. It was lovely and it taught you how to love and be open but you had to move on.
The second great love is the painful love. The kind where your heart is a mess and you can’t seem to stop thinking about him/her even after they’ve been an asshole to you. It’s when you can never seem to communicate properly and the timing seems off and the fighting is non-stop. But you truly believe that you are meant to be with them. My painful love came in the form of someone who I was convinced was The One. And when it all went to shit I pretty much lost my faith in love all together for a while. My 1/2 love came in this category as well. I think it was just an extension of that previous love, but in a different man. One that I didn’t want as much. And I think I was just confused and projecting. But whatever it was was painful. This kind of love is when you learn all the lesson and what you truly want and need out of a partner.
The third great love is the love you never saw coming. The one that seems to develop so suddenly out of thin air. You weren’t even trying. In fact, you may have tried to fight it off from every angle. I had this with my most recent relationship which lasted 3 years, the longest I’ve ever been in one. He seemed to be all wrong for me on the surface but I gave him a chance and fell so madly, deeply in love that I could never imagine my life without him. But since we’ve been broken up I’ve surmised that he was always meant to be in my life, just not as my boyfriend. I connected on such a deep and intimate level with him and I don’t feel comfortable just letting him become someone I used to know. No. He has to be in my life forever, just in a different capacity.
So, if you don’t end up with any of the people who fell into your great love categories then what’s next? Do you either have to go back and make it work with one of these past lovers or are you destined to be single forever? I’ve decided that the 3 love rule is fucked and I refuse to accept.
Maybe some of just love more easily or more frequently than others. If someone is unmarried for 20 years of their adult life we can’t expect them to have only loved 3 people or less. That’s insane. Maybe the 3 types of love just keep repeating until they stick. So that must mean that another man will come along who will be someone I never saw coming again. And maybe that’s also why I had 2 painful loves. They repeated because I didn’t learn what I was meant to learn. Maybe I wasn’t completely ready for the love I never saw coming and therefore must be repeated. I hope so because otherwise I guess I’ll have to settle for being alone for the rest of my life.