We’ve all done it before. Some of us multiple times before. We meet a man that isn’t quite where or who we want him to be but we believe that with time, patience, love, and encouragement that he could become the man we’ve envisioned in our heads.
Falling in love with potential is a dangerous game to play. I’m sure in certain circumstances it’s managed to work in the woman’s favor, but more often than not, it’s a definite ticket aboard the train of disappointment. And the further that train goes, the more unwarranted resentment builds. Unwarranted because he made no promises to you to change or become better. He didn’t fall in love with you and say, “whatever you need me to be or do or have I will do for you.” But we hold onto the idea that one day he will…
Women are very adaptable and much more willing to tweak and edit certain parts about themselves, especially for someone they love. Men are much less willing to do that. And they are always so CLEAR about the fact that they are who they are and that they won’t compromise that for anyone.
So why do we fall for that same idea time and time again? It’s one thing to support a man and be around for the struggle, knowing that one day he will be successful and be able to provide for a wife and/or family. It’s a whole other thing to get into a relationship knowing that the two of you have fundamental differences that you think will change once he realizes how much he loves you.
It doesn’t work that way and it’s time we start understanding that. If a man says he never wants to get married, BELIEVE HIM. If he says he doesn’t want kids, BELIEVE HIM. If he says he wants to travel the world and never set down roots anywhere, BELIEVE THAT TOO. You will never be able to love him enough to change his mind and you will break yourself in the process of trying.
It’s the same idea behind the women who always choose men who need to be saved. The addicts, the abusers, the cheaters. No amount of care and love can get a leopard to change his spots. He may change for himself, but he won’t do it for you. And the sooner you realize that the sooner you can move on.
I used to make fun of women who would come charging into a potential relationship asking, “what are you looking for?” or “do you see yourself having a family” very early on but now I completely understand. Love is not enough to sustain even the most promising relationships if you aren’t on the same page about the future. Catch it as early as possible so you can save yourself time and energy.
Everyone walking this earth theoretically has “potential” to be something that they are not. But that doesn’t mean we should give every single person that chance. People applying for jobs are put under intense scrutiny to make sure they are qualified. They need to submit a resume, references, and are subjected to a thorough interview. I’m not saying we should treat dating that way, but we should be more discerning than we are.
We’re not 19 anymore. (Well, maybe some of you reading this are, in which case the next couple of statements don’t apply to you.) We’re not dating just for fun or to fill up our time. We’re dating to find a compatible match. And when we find someone who is obviously incompatible with us it’s like we blackout, plug our ears, become amnesiac. We get blinded by attraction and all logic goes out the window.
It’s time we stopped all of that nonsense. Lets be honest, women almost across the board seek security in any kind of relationship. If you aren’t getting that then what are you doing? Security is the minimum amount of foundation you need to build a relationship upon. So if he’s not ready to be a husband, father, or even a boyfriend then move right along. He needs a longer gestation period, he needs more time on his own, he’s not that into you, or he just wants to be an eternal bachelor for life. The reason doesn’t matter, you just need to know that you’re barking up the wrong tree.
The key is to find a man who is exactly who you want him to be NOW. Not who he will be in 5 years, not who he will be once he stops fucking around and decides you are the one. Not the one who you hope will wake up one day and realize what he lost. Find yourself a man who suits your needs in the present moment. Otherwise you have just signed yourself up for years of struggle and disappointment.
It felt easy. Almost too easy.
3 years and all it took was one conversation, one phrase, “I don’t see a future with you” to stop it all dead in its tracks.
How could I have spent 3 years with someone knowing that “no future” reality right from the beginning. Why would I put myself through that? Because I fell in love, I thought he would change blah, blah, blah.
But you know the breakup is real and that it will stick this time when it’s easy. Because you have no more fight left in you. You’ve already cried all the tears. You’ve had all the arguments. You already gave all the fucks you had. And now it’s all dried up. Your gas tank is on empty. You don’t want to do it anymore. This time, the reality has been accepted.
We had already done the hard breakup. The one with all the sobbing. The one where I told him as he left to “have a nice life.” The one where I cut off all communication because I was so fucking disappointed and hurt. But this one wasn’t like that. This one was the simple conversation that was met with a simple response of “ok” and an agreement to stay in communication and friendly with each other for life.
“I’m sorry,” he said. Sorry for what? Wasting my time? I wasted my OWN time. I knew all along that he could never give me all the things that I wanted. I don’t regret any of that time, but why do I keep choosing wrong? Why am I willingly putting myself through pain?
Maybe I wasn’t ready then for a lasting thing. Maybe I’m ready now. I just hope I choose right this time. But how is it possible to fall so deeply in love with someone knowing that there is a clear expiration date. I don’t know that I can judge my instincts anymore.
Maybe this long, 3 year relationship was necessary in order to know exactly what it is that I want. To clear up any kind of confusion or hesitancy. Now I can commit to the vision that’s been in my head. The vision that caused me to end things with him.
I know that guys still exist out there that want to settle down and get married, or at least live together and share a dog. And that’s really all I’ve ever wanted. So why has it been so hard to find that? I must’ve been giving off the wrong vibes, or at best, confusing vibes.
But I will say that I feel closer than I’ve ever been to getting what I want. My pattern of adult relationships has been as follows: emotionally unavailable guy who wanted to date me but couldn’t commit, emotionally unavailable friend with benefits who couldn’t commit, and finally, emotionally available guy who couldn’t commit. So I’ve apparently finally conquered the first part. The next part is what is tripping me up.
Won’t commit, won’t commit, won’t commit. What the fuck does it take to get a guy to commit these days?!
Maybe it’s just LA. Maybe this is where all the broken people go. The people who were too good for their hometowns. The people who were running away from something. The people who prioritize career over love.
After any failed relationship the brain goes through all kinds of levels of cynicism, disappointment, and, frankly, disbelief. Duped again, we tell ourselves. Won’t happen again, we say. But I’m pretty sure I also said that after the previous failed relationship.
3 months in to our relationship, as I was headed to my brother’s wedding in Michigan, he told me that he never wanted to marry again. I replied with, “then we don’t have a future together,” and yet there I was 3 years later saying the same thing as if it was some kind of new revelation.
Why do we do this as women? Why do we always think they’re gonna change? When people tell you who they are, BELIEVE THEM. I might tattoo that on my forehead as a reminder.
I have this friend who has said on numerous occasions that I could “keep having relationships like this that don’t last and it doesn’t really matter because (I) don’t want kids.” As if not wanting kids means that I don’t give a shit about a lasting commitment. As if kids is the only thing keeping couples together.
Maybe she’s right! I mean, a lot of men, especially in LA, won’t marry a woman unless they’ve knocked her up. First comes baby, then comes marriage. I’ve seen it more times than I can count.
I didn’t even think that I wanted to get married until getting married was completely off the table. I did a pretty good job of convincing myself for a while that I was cool without it, because I didn’t want to lose him. I was gonna change who I was for him. But we never really stop wanting what we want do we?
3 years later and I am no closer to having that lasting commitment. I’ve just added more baggage.
Hey guys! I’m back! I’ve been writing a book so I’ve been off the grid for a while. Thanks for sticking with me! I’ll be posting much more often now! AND I’ve just added a new writing Instagram handle if you want to follow me there @lonelyloverlo.
I pretty much find everyone’s relationship to be bullshit. I look at a picture of a couple on instagram and think “fake.” When my friend expresses doubt about moving forward in her relationship I think, “you’re not in love with him.” When a couple starts a family or buys a new house I think, “congrats! You’re stuck in a boring situation you can’t get out of!” The most logical reason for this type of thinking is that I’m cynical as hell or afraid of commitment, but I also really think that most people are so insecure and afraid of loneliness that they’ll grab onto the nearest viable option for dear life and try to mold it into the relationship of their dreams.
People hate the idea of being alone. They need someone to bounce ideas off of, to hold their hand through hardship, to always have a date on Saturday, to spoon them at night, and to support them in their goals. Life is hard and expensive. It’s lonely and scary. It’s much better to go at it with someone else at your side.
So people force things that aren’t there. They settle for good enough. They go on countless dates with the same person because he’s “nice” without feeling any sense of a spark. Not only should you feel a spark, but you should feel FIREWORKS. You should feel BUTTERFLIES! You should feel anxious and nervous and try on 7 different outfits and take photos of it to send to your friend to make sure it’s cute enough. You should get lost in thought fantasizing about that person and smile so big your face hurts when you see a text from them.
Otherwise what is it all for?
Think about how hard it is to actually be in a good, healthy relationship. You have to meet someone that you are compatible with, attracted to, and in the same stage of readiness for something long term at the VERY LEAST. Then you throw in age, profession, religion, sense of humor, politics, ideals, lifestyle, and future goals and hope that most of them match up. There has to be a lot of give and take, good communication, and each person should want to make it work and be willing to be selfless the majority of the time.
Even just to meet someone cool is like trying to hit a target, shooting darts, blindfolded, while drunk. She is cute and awesome but she has a boyfriend. He is funny and great but he just got out of a relationship. He is amazing but he’s 7 years younger than me. She is beautiful but she is an atheist and never wants kids.
Yes, there are apps and dating sites to make this step a little bit easier, and I know I’m in the growing minority when I say that I would rather meet someone organically, but even then you have to compete with an over saturation of options and laziness. If you live in a small town you are constantly surrounded by the same people. If you live in a big city you meet way too many people only one time and then never see them again.
It doesn’t happen a lot, you know?
If you’re like most people, you only love a very small handful of people in your lifetime. So when Erica from human resources jumps from relationship to relationship with barely a month or two of breathing room in between you know that shit isn’t real. But Erica will convince herself that it is because she feels like a leper when she is the only single girl at all the work functions.
Johnny your neighbor just wants to be a dad SO bad. He constantly dates girls who are wrong for him and the next thing you know you are getting an invite to his wedding in 8 months. He is suddenly converting to Judaism and pretending to like country music so that he can make himself become what Miss Good Enough wants and needs so that he can start a family.
The real thing takes time and won’t come if you’re operating from a place of lack. It comes along when you are a complete and fulfilled person in your own life. You can’t force it to fill a void. And if you settle you will always be unhappy. So many people just go for the easy win and will never again experience real and lasting love. What a bleak thought.
I have made a hobby of carefully analyzing other peoples’ relationships. Obviously everyone is different and I can never fully know what goes on behind closed doors, but I can tell who is in something good and who’s not. Those who are in something good look at each other with a sparkle in their eye.
It’s so funny what happens when you ask someone who is in a relationship they settled for what they like about their partner. First, they will have to search for something to say. Then they will reply with things like, “he’ll make a good father” or “he’s very supportive” or “she’s not crazy” or “we have a lot in common.” Those are all great qualities to have, but what about, “he’s fucking amazing” or “I’m madly in love with her and no one else can even compare!?” Using circumstantial adjectives devoid of emotion or feeling are how you describe your job or your boss.
There are SO many fish in the sea. Sometimes you have to wait for a long time for something to bite, and sometimes you will catch a lot of fish that don’t suit you. Just throw them back and recast your line until you catch a whale. Getting scared because it’s taking too long will 10 out of 10 times cause you to choose someone wrong for you.
I think being picky is an amazing quality to have. It’s not about having standards that are way too high, but rather, being more discerning with who gets to know you intimately. If you aren’t feeling it after a couple dates, cut it off. It’s not personal. It’s not business. It’s not a numbers game. It’s about finding the right one. Imagine all the cool and interesting people you could have met during the time you were with the wrong person.
Stop acting so desperate and dependent and just chill. Being with the wrong person is worse than being alone. Think of all the amazing things that being alone gives you! Freedom to do whatever you want! Time to focus on yourself! Limitless nights out with friends! Lots of time to catch up on your favorite Netflix series!
I’ve met a total of three men in my entire life thus far that I’ve seen a long term situation working out with. THREE. I only operate based on an overwhelmingly strong feeling of YES when deciding if someone is right for me. How the hell are you all constantly with someone? How can you possibly like that many people that you legitimately want to be with? You’re lying to yourself and you know it.
If you settle, you will live a life that tastes like vanilla ice cream. Good, suitable, does the job, but BORING as FUCK. Love should scare you and make you feel a little crazy at times. It shouldn’t make you feel out of control, but if you’re not operating on an awe-inspiring vibe that makes you feel buzzed most of the time then it’s probably a sham. Imagine settling for someone you don’t particularly even like that much and are forced to see their dumb face every morning? The Horror!! Just because they will provide you with a nice house, maybe a couple kids, a dog, and financial stability is not enough to get through even 1 year of listening to someone you don’t love clear their throat every 5 minutes or chew with their mouth open.
It does happen. Good things come to those who wait. The stars will align and serendipity will seem real and by law of attraction the universe will bring the right person who is vibrating on the same frequency as you and life will seem SO MARVELOUS and SATISFYING. So don’t block the right person for you by settling for good enough.
*This is an old post that I reworked. It feels very applicable to what I’ve been observing lately, AGAIN
Soulmates can manifest themselves in any kind of physical being. It can be a friend, an intimate partner, a boyfriend/girlfriend, a pet, a parent, or a sibling. I just finished reading a book for my book club called “Many Lives, Many Masters” by Brian L. Weiss (read it right now, it’s amazing) and it has me thinking that a soulmate might be someone showing up from a past life that had a large role in your previous life. Because how else do you explain that immediate connection, familiarity, comfort, and intensity that you feel with only a handful of people and not with others. What is it about them that makes them so special to you?
And this is where it gets super complicated and you might need to hit a bong once or twice to even let your mind go to this place, but if a soulmate is someone from our past life, do they carry over difficulties that you experienced with them in that previous life? Because I don’t know about you, but I find that the people that are my soulmates are also the people I have the most dramatic and challenging relationships with. Right from the jump. They almost feel like people who I have to keep at an arms length distance because they make me feel SO high but also SO low. I love them more than anyone else, but I also fight with them more. I feel closer to them but I also want to kill them.
I’ve probably just explained most romantic relationships, and to be honest, if your relationship isn’t like that, it probably isn’t worth having. Or is it?
Maybe we aren’t supposed to be with our soulmates because of how turbulent and intense those relationships can be. Maybe we really are supposed to be with some vanilla partner who will “make a good father” or who “is very loyal and stable” or who “treats me well” but doesn’t necessarily stimulate me mentally and always keeps my emotions at an even level.
Because when you think about all of the turns that life can take, don’t you want to make sure that, at the very least, your life partner doesn’t have the ability to make you feel borderline homicidal? When children come into the mix or when a parent gets sick or one partner loses his job our has to relocate for the job it seems like you can only get through that with someone who doesn’t set your brain/mind/heart/body on fire with how they respond?
My ex had (and has) the ability to completely change the course of my day with one text. One single text can cause me to come completely unglued and not be able to focus for the rest of the day. This person who I shared two precious years of my life with can affect me THAT much with one text. He knows it and I know it’s the same on his end too which is why we’ve chosen to reach out so sparingly.
It feels like a drug. I need more. I want more. Once I get a taste of even the slightest bit I become obsessed with the idea of giving up everything I worked so hard to repair just for one day, one night, one kiss.
I hate that he has that much control over the stability of my emotions. And that’s why it feels so dangerous to even entertain the idea of reconciliation. How can I possibly spend the rest of my life with someone who knows that with a couple words tossed out without restraint can ruin me?
A relationship with a soulmate is never going to be easy. It’s going to be a constant, daily exercise of treading lightly and holding oneself back. Because everything between you two is on fire. Passionate, burning, hot, beautiful fire. To survive the day to day it requires putting all that desire aside just to function.
But why then do we have the ability to experience this kind of deep relationship with someone who we aren’t meant to be with? It seems like a cruel joke the universe is playing on us. Because any relationship we have that is less than that will feel unfulfilling, even if it is with someone who is MORE stable and MORE supportive and MORE caring.
I guess the obvious answer is that they are just there to teach us the lessons. Maybe that’s why they show up from the past life. The lessons still haven’t been learned even across lifetimes. But what a dope setup it could be to be with someone who you learn and grow with and also have a stable, healthy relationship with! Is that not a thing? Maybe it is a thing just for a short period of time and then you move on. And you mate and procreate with the one who will be like a faithful dog. Unconditionally loving you and making you feel at peace no matter what.
Or…OR…you and the soulmate are too underdeveloped and unrefined to make a relationship work at this time. But at some point in the near future it can be SO good. Once the fire turns into a deep desire to make things work with the one who makes your heart sing. It might be painful sometimes but it will be more beautiful than any other experience you have had across ALL lifetimes.
I’ve been working a lot lately on detachment and not allowing myself to be ruled by my emotions. I hate letting other people have so much power over me and how I’m feeling at any given time. What other people say and do says so much about them and says practically nothing about me, so why would I let it affect me so deeply?
The other night I was at a bar with a friend whom I’ve had a very complicated relationship with. She assumed I was going to watch her dog while she was away on vacation and when I said I didn’t want to do it (because she wanted me to stay at her place in the deep valley, which is 45 minutes away from my work, friends, and life) she called me a “selfish asshole.”
I’ve never watched her dog in the history of our years long friendship so I had no idea why she assumed I would suddenly be up for the job. Not only that, but to stay 45 minutes out of my way for free was a tall order to ask of anyone. So I had no idea why she reacted that way. It definitely received a, “woah” response out of me, but it ended there. I didn’t let it affect me and I continued on drinking with her for a couple more hours.
I was really proud of myself for having let that comment slide so effortlessly when in the past I would’ve responded much more angrily and I probably would’ve changed my whole attitude for the rest of the night. But I just brushed it off and let it go.
I know my friend wouldn’t want me to say yes to that favor just to ease her stress and yet feel resentful and angry for being made to stay out so far away from my apartment. And I didn’t want to agree to something that would make me feel unhappy just because my friend wanted to save a couple bucks.
So I learned a double lesson in that moment. When you ask someone for a favor, you should never tie any expectations to the response. And when you disappoint someone and they call you a name, remember that it says so much more about them than it does about you.
However, after I had patted myself on the back several times for that interaction I wondered how I could translate that to my romantic relationship. In friendships it’s so much easier to feel less attached to outcomes because you aren’t intimately involved with those people. Detachment tends to become a much bigger challenge when you are opening your heart so fully to someone spiritually, emotionally, sexually, mentally, and physically.
I started to wonder if it could be possible to interact with my boyfriend in the same way I had interacted with my friend. Could I have zero expectation when I ask him to do things? If I want to hang out with him and I ask to see if he’s free and he says no, sometimes it sends me into a deep spiral of fear and distress. Partly from past stuff and partly because I allow the fact that he isn’t available to suggest that I’m not a priority because he isn’t ready to drop everything for me like I usually am for him.
And as I type it here now it seems so pathetic and sad. When he is out of town for work and he doesn’t have the opportunity to say no to me I am happy as a lark. So in essence what I’m upset about is the fact that my boyfriend doesn’t do everything that I say and want whenever I say that I want it. My desire to control him and his actions is terrifying and will do nothing but upset me every time.
Sometimes there are larger things that I ask of him, such as coming home with me for Christmas, that when he says no make me think that he doesn’t value our relationship or see a future. I mean, can’t he just sacrifice a couple fucking days simply to make me happy? But see what the problem is here? I’m allowing his actions to either make me happy or not happy. What will happen if I go home to see my family and I’m by myself? I’ll have an absolute blast playing 19 rounds of card games with my brothers and sisters in law. Would I miss and feel his absence? Definitely. But I don’t have to allow his non-presence there affect the entire relationship or suggest that he isn’t invested in me.
And the danger of implying those things is that he will want to get further and further away from me. Because he feels as though he is walking on eggshells and that everything he says and does affects my happiness. That is too much pressure for anyone to handle and the only natural thing to do is to pull away as to not constantly give someone so much disappointment caused by you and only you.
It’s not a change that will happen overnight but it’s one that I’m willing and ready to accept and work on. I alone am responsible for how I feel. I can blame it on him all I want but the only thing I can change is myself. So if I am committed to him and this relationship, which I am, then I need to zen the fuck out and be happy regardless of his actions.