How To Lose A Girl in 10 Days

To all of the good men out there: WE SEE YOU. We think you’re great and respectful and loyal and attentive. This essay is not for you. Most of us women have, unfortunately, way more experience with the bad guys of the world than we do with the good ones. The challenge of a bad boy intrigues us and once we get hooked in, it’s way too late. We have to see it out, through all of the heartache, tears, disappointment, and anger. But it makes us appreciate the good ones even more once we finally realize that we deserve that kind of treatment. Please be patient with us as we adjust. 

To all of the not so good men out there: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? Do you want to be alone forever? Do you want to meet your match that is just as shitty as you are and bang around and be miserable together? Do you hate yourself that much? Do you just enjoy sabotaging things for fun? Or are you incapable of experiencing real human emotion and empathy?

Keeping a relationship happy and healthy takes more than just good communication and an unconditional commitment to one another. Those are the absolute basics for a steady foundation. Tell me what you’re thinking and don’t cheat on me. But it takes more than that to stand the test of time. A plant has to be watered every day and can’t survive without it. After a certain point men stop watering the plant, get comfortable, and start to slack on expectations and think that since women are such loyal creatures that we will stick around through all the bullshit no matter what. A woman with a lot of self respect won’t though. It is really awful to break up with someone and we will give our significant other many, many chances to make things right. But repeated offenses of the same things over and over again can get to the point where they are unforgivable. And the men don’t even realize what hit them until it’s really truly over and she’s over it. Because they think, I answer when you text, I show up when I can, and I haven’t put my dick inside anyone else. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?! They’ll say. Well, I’ll tell you…

The most egregious offense is a lack of attention. Women are like dogs: we need constant petting, to be taken out, played with, fed well, and loved. Our relationship is not a part time obligation and the amount of interaction we receive needs to be as consistent as possible. We can’t handle seeing you 3x a week one week and then barely speaking to you the next. That is how you handle a friendship, not a relationship. When there is an emotional attachment involved any changes in behavior or a sudden drop in attention is going to cause anxiety for us. We understand that you have lives and that you need to keep up with your daily obligations separate from us. But there has to be constant effort to be in communication everyday and in making plans to hang out. This is obviously a two-way street, but women don’t usually need to be reminded to keep it up. We CONSTANTLY think about you, want to see you, text you, and tell you how we feel. We’re amazing multi-taskers and can handle having a job, kids, appointments, meetings, hobbies, friends, and still make you our #1 priority. Men can become one track minded, especially when it comes to work, so just REMIND yourself constantly that attention must be paid. Honestly, a woman could have zero feelings for someone and if he shows her constant attention she could very likely fall in love with him. That’s how important it is. 

The next worst offense, in my opinion, is bad listening skills. Obviously some of us are just more blessed with a better short term memory than others. But when you really truly care about someone you genuinely want to know every thought that goes through their head, every emotion, every childhood memory and story, and every experience and 9 times out of 10 will remember it unless you’re zoning out. A person that you don’t love could tell you a story and it would be normal to zone out during the details, or have to have them repeat it again once or twice. But with someone you love, it gets absorbed into your mind. If that’s not happening, it’s showing us that you don’t give a shit. I dated a guy once who I would quiz on certain details about my life that I was 100% sure I had told him several times. I would ask him when my birthday is, how many siblings I have, what I majored in in college. And when he struggled to answer those basic questions I knew that he wasn’t really that into me. Or maybe he was and he just wasn’t making listening well a priority. It needs to be a priority. Drink gingko biloba tea, do more crossword puzzles, or meditate to clear your mind so there is more space for your girls’ details. We remember all the dumb shit you tell us. We love to surprise you with a Christmas gift that you mentioned liking in the store that one time. We want to buy you tickets to see a game with your favorite sports team. We want to remember all the names of your family members so that we can impress you (and them) when you take us home for the holidays with you. 

Which leads me to my next point. Not spending holidays, birthdays, special events, and social engagements together is unacceptable. How many times do we have to make excuses for you when you bail on us for things that you, “don’t like” doing. I don’t like going to all of the parties and celebrations that I’m obligated to go to either but it’s a chance to spend time together and be social. I was in a relationship with someone for years when he said he couldn’t come to my best friend’s birthday party with me because he had a wedding to go to. It was the double whammy of leaving me to go solo for the 3rd year in a row to my friend’s party and also not taking me as his date to the wedding. This is something that women will never be able to comprehend. How could you NOT want someone there with you that you can whisper to about how the bridesmaids’ dresses are ugly or use as an excuse to leave early or dance with? Women never want to go to a social function alone especially when everyone else is coupled up. When we have that moment of discomfort when no one is really talking to us we have to anxiously check our phone instead of find you and insert ourselves in your conversation. If you’re the type of guy who wants to go everywhere and do everything alone then be alone. Why be in a relationship with someone you don’t want to share the special moments in life with?

The last, most hurtful offense is not talking about the future. A good guy with available emotions who cares about you will talk about this subject endlessly. A not so good guy will skirt around it at every opportunity. We’ve all been hurt, we’re all afraid of rejection, we all understand that sometimes things don’t work out. That’s life. If we’re not in this relationship with at least the POSSIBILITY of settling down together then what is the point? Seriously! Are you dating us to pass the time? Are we just a pit stop on your way to the person who you  really want to be with? Are you unsure about us? Because when you scoff, laugh, or make light of the subject that is exactly what you are communicating to us. We don’t need to see a detailed sketch of the engagement ring you’ve been planning for us since the day we met, but we need some indication that there can and will be progress. Meeting your family/friends, going on a trip, and discussing moving in together are all good indicators. There’s no time frame for these types of things to HAVE to happen but if it’s not happening in a reasonable time frame then you will know by how your girl starts to behave. Insecure. Anxious. Nagging. These are some of the lovely labels she will get honored with once you start to drag your feet. There is only so long we can “date” you before we get restless. Before we want to insert the Judge Judy gif where she’s tapping her watch and slapping the bench into all of our conversations. You will wear her down at a certain point to where she will let it go and just cruise along. But that bit of resentment will still be festering in the back of her head until she unleashes it again at, probably, the most inopportune moment. So shit or get off the pot. 

I’m obviously generalizing greatly about what most women want and need but I feel pretty confident in saying that the MAJORITY feels this same way, whether they are being honest about it or not. It’s really not rocket science and it really doesn’t take THAT much to keep us happy. It seems like common sense and yet this is a common issue that I and my friends have experienced with countless men. You’re going to keep losing people you care about along the way if you can’t manage to at least PRETEND to be one of the good guys. Women can easily do all of this stuff without questioning any of it, why can’t you?

Falling in Love With Potential

We’ve all done it before. Some of us multiple times before. We meet a man that isn’t quite where or who we want him to be but we believe that with time, patience, love, and encouragement that he could become the man we’ve envisioned in our heads. 

Falling in love with potential is a dangerous game to play. I’m sure in certain circumstances it’s managed to work in the woman’s favor, but more often than not, it’s a definite ticket aboard the train of disappointment. And the further that train goes, the more unwarranted resentment builds. Unwarranted because he made no promises to you to change or become better. He didn’t fall in love with you and say, “whatever you need me to be or do or have I will do for you.” But we hold onto the idea that one day he will…

Women are very adaptable and much more willing to tweak and edit certain parts about themselves, especially for someone they love. Men are much less willing to do that. And they are always so CLEAR about the fact that they are who they are and that they won’t compromise that for anyone.

So why do we fall for that same idea time and time again? It’s one thing to support a man and be around for the struggle, knowing that one day he will be successful and be able to provide for a wife and/or family. It’s a whole other thing to get into a relationship knowing that the two of you have fundamental differences that you think will change once he realizes how much he loves you.

It doesn’t work that way and it’s time we start understanding that. If a man says he never wants to get married, BELIEVE HIM. If he says he doesn’t want kids, BELIEVE HIM. If he says he wants to travel the world and never set down roots anywhere, BELIEVE THAT TOO. You will never be able to love him enough to change his mind and you will break yourself in the process of trying. 

It’s the same idea behind the women who always choose men who need to be saved. The addicts, the abusers, the cheaters. No amount of care and love can get a leopard to change his spots. He may change for himself, but he won’t do it for you. And the sooner you realize that the sooner you can move on.

I used to make fun of women who would come charging into a potential relationship asking, “what are you looking for?” or “do you see yourself having a family” very early on but now I completely understand. Love is not enough to sustain even the most promising relationships if you aren’t on the same page about the future. Catch it as early as possible so you can save yourself time and energy.

Everyone walking this earth theoretically has “potential” to be something that they are not. But that doesn’t mean we should give every single person that chance. People applying for jobs are put under intense scrutiny to make sure they are qualified. They need to submit a resume, references, and are subjected to a thorough interview. I’m not saying we should treat dating that way, but we should be more discerning than we are. 

We’re not 19 anymore. (Well, maybe some of you reading this are, in which case the next couple of statements don’t apply to you.) We’re not dating just for fun or to fill up our time. We’re dating to find a compatible match. And when we find someone who is obviously incompatible with us it’s like we blackout, plug our ears, become amnesiac. We get blinded by attraction and all logic goes out the window. 

It’s time we stopped all of that nonsense. Lets be honest, women almost across the board seek security in any kind of relationship. If you aren’t getting that then what are you doing? Security is the minimum amount of foundation you need to build a relationship upon. So if he’s not ready to be a husband, father, or even a boyfriend then move right along. He needs a longer gestation period, he needs more time on his own, he’s not that into you, or he just wants to be an eternal bachelor for life. The reason doesn’t matter, you just need to know that you’re barking up the wrong tree. 

The key is to find a man who is exactly who you want him to be NOW. Not who he will be in 5 years, not who he will be once he stops fucking around and decides you are the one. Not the one who you hope will wake up one day and realize what he lost. Find yourself a man who suits your needs in the present moment. Otherwise you have just signed yourself up for years of struggle and disappointment. 

3 Years Later

It felt easy. Almost too easy. 

3 years and all it took was one conversation, one phrase, “I don’t see a future with you” to stop it all dead in its tracks. 

How could I have spent 3 years with someone knowing that “no future” reality right from the beginning. Why would I put myself through that? Because I fell in love, I thought he would change blah, blah, blah. 

But you know the breakup is real and that it will stick this time when it’s easy. Because you have no more fight left in you. You’ve already cried all the tears. You’ve had all the arguments. You already gave all the fucks you had. And now it’s all dried up. Your gas tank is on empty. You don’t want to do it anymore. This time, the reality has been accepted. 

We had already done the hard breakup. The one with all the sobbing. The one where I told him as he left to “have a nice life.” The one where I cut off all communication because I was so fucking disappointed and hurt. But this one wasn’t like that. This one was the simple conversation that was met with a simple response of “ok” and an agreement to stay in communication and friendly with each other for life. 

“I’m sorry,” he said. Sorry for what? Wasting my time? I wasted my OWN time. I knew all along that he could never give me all the things that I wanted. I don’t regret any of that time, but why do I keep choosing wrong? Why am I willingly putting myself through pain?

Maybe I wasn’t ready then for a lasting thing. Maybe I’m ready now. I just hope I choose right this time. But how is it possible to fall so deeply in love with someone knowing that there is a clear expiration date. I don’t know that I can judge my instincts anymore. 

Maybe this long, 3 year relationship was necessary in order to know exactly what it is that I want. To clear up any kind of confusion or hesitancy. Now I can commit to the vision that’s been in my head. The vision that caused me to end things with him. 

I know that guys still exist out there that want to settle down and get married, or at least live together and share a dog. And that’s really all I’ve ever wanted. So why has it been so hard to find that? I must’ve been giving off the wrong vibes, or at best, confusing vibes. 

But I will say that I feel closer than I’ve ever been to getting what I want. My pattern of adult relationships has been as follows: emotionally unavailable guy who wanted to date me but couldn’t commit, emotionally unavailable friend with benefits who couldn’t commit, and finally, emotionally available guy who couldn’t commit. So I’ve apparently finally conquered the first part. The next part is what is tripping me up.  

Won’t commit, won’t commit, won’t commit. What the fuck does it take to get a guy to commit these days?! 

Maybe it’s just LA. Maybe this is where all the broken people go. The people who were too good for their hometowns. The people who were running away from something. The people who prioritize career over love. 

After any failed relationship the brain goes through all kinds of levels of cynicism, disappointment, and, frankly, disbelief. Duped again, we tell ourselves. Won’t happen again, we say. But I’m pretty sure I also said that after the previous failed relationship. 

3 months in to our relationship, as I was headed to my brother’s wedding in Michigan, he told me that he never wanted to marry again. I replied with, “then we don’t have a future together,” and yet there I was 3 years later saying the same thing as if it was some kind of new revelation. 

Why do we do this as women? Why do we always think they’re gonna change? When people tell you who they are, BELIEVE THEM. I might tattoo that on my forehead as a reminder. 

I have this friend who has said on numerous occasions that I could “keep having relationships like this that don’t last and it doesn’t really matter because (I) don’t want kids.” As if not wanting kids means that I don’t give a shit about a lasting commitment. As if kids is the only thing keeping couples together. 

Maybe she’s right! I mean, a lot of men, especially in LA, won’t marry a woman unless they’ve knocked her up. First comes baby, then comes marriage. I’ve seen it more times than I can count. 

I didn’t even think that I wanted to get married until getting married was completely off the table. I did a pretty good job of convincing myself for a while that I was cool without it, because I didn’t want to lose him. I was gonna change who I was for him. But we never really stop wanting what we want do we? 

3 years later and I am no closer to having that lasting commitment. I’ve just added more baggage. 

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Hey guys! I’m back! I’ve been writing a book so I’ve been off the grid for a while. Thanks for sticking with me! I’ll be posting much more often now! AND I’ve just added a new writing Instagram handle if you want to follow me there @lonelyloverlo.

xx

The Object of Your Attention

I feel like I’ve suddenly discovered the key to a long lasting, healthy relationship. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been listening to so much Abraham Hicks lately or if it’s just the result of becoming a healthy, more mature adult, but either way it’s as if suddenly a lightbulb has gone off in my brain and I hope to never treat my relationships the way I did in the past again. 

And here it is: do not make your partner the object of your attention. 

Meaning make yourself, your career, and your interests the focal point of your life and have your relationship be secondary. I know this sounds crazy. But all of the problems, at least for me, always exist when I’m putting too much attention on my boyfriend and the relationship. That’s when I start expecting too much and appreciating nothing and suddenly he becomes the source of all of my issues and unhappiness. 

I have severe ADD and SO MUCH excess energy. I can multitask 7 different things at once. My brain is a calendar and can categorize everything. I LOVE to be busy and have lots of things on my plate. I have a desperate need to be stimulated and challenged. Imagine what happens when I look to my partner to fulfill all of those requirements for me. 

My life is always going to have a huge compartment that needs to be filled up. I don’t like being alone for too long, I can’t stand not having upcoming events or social engagements, I go crazy if I’m not doing something creative everyday. So it becomes a constant pursuit to make sure I’m doing enough of all of those things, not only because it fulfills me on every level, but because it takes my full attention away from my boyfriend. 

The very best example of this is to look at how men treat relationships. It’s very seldom, at least in my experience, that a man over the age of 25 makes his girlfriend the center of his universe and the main priority of his life. Men have an innate desire to hunt and gather, aka work, so usually that takes the main precedence slot. The nice thing is that most men want to work hard and build a career in order to support a woman and/or a family, but they aren’t spending their days pining and overthinking over how it’s affecting the relationship directly in that moment. 

Men and women are different, I get that. Women are more emotional and tend to obsess about their lovers, (errr wait, maybe that’s just me?) and the more time we spend with them and the more energy we put into the relationship the more we want. Ammiright, ladies? We’re putting this insane amount of effort into showing them we care about them and that they have all of our attention and we get pissed if they’re not doing the same. We have this “attachment vibe” that is hard to break. 

And when things get to that bad place, people always tell you to “focus on yourself” and to “let go of the attachment” as if it’s some easy thing that we can suddenly wake up and just decide. But with time and a constant shift in the mindset, it can become more of a habit. The easiest thing to do is treat your life how you did while you were single. Not sitting around and waiting and hoping that some man will fill up your time and energy. 

We are not kept women who need to hide behind our men or become too focused on them and what’s going on in their lives. Independence is the key to growth and self-sufficiency. What happens if the relationships suddenly implodes? No one should be in a relationship constantly thinking about that, but it’s a very real outcome that would leave a dependent person in complete and utter shambles. 

I’ve been almost forced to learn how to function in this way since my boyfriend and I are currently long distance. I never would have chosen this as my current situation but, here I am, and I can either deal with it or end the relationship because of the neediness and separation anxiety. At times it gets too hard and I get to the bad place of wanting to be done with it all, but then I remember why I’ve stayed for so long and how much I love him. And once I decided it was worth it to stick it out I constantly shifted my mentality to focus on subjects that did not have anything to do with him. It has made me so much happier overall and it’s done wonders for the relationship. I’m not so focused on what he is or isn’t doing for me, how often he has texted me that day, or when he’ll be back in LA and for how long. I’ve let go of the control I so often want to have and it’s been like an orgasmic release for me mentally and emotionally. 

Before I made that shift I was in such constant despair and even broke up with him for 2 months because of it. Because of my jealousy that he was making something other than me a priority. Because he was following an impulse to further his career. Because he was doing his best to create a better future for us. What a monster. 

During my PMS week I always go back to my old ways of thinking and verbally abuse him in my head. But as long as I continue to understand that those feelings are fleeting and do my best not to express them to him, my relationship will continue to flourish. One day we will be together all the time and I will think back to when I had this space and freedom from him and miss it. 

The reason most people think that a relationship works best when the man is more in love with the woman than she is with him is because this mentality comes NATURALLY in that situation. The woman focuses on herself and her life because she doesn’t care what he thinks as much as she did with her emotionally unavailable ex-boyfriend with whom she always walked on eggshells and felt a sense of neediness and desperation.  

This is not to say that we shouldn’t put any effort into our relationships. Every relationship requires work and balance. But the most successful my relationship has ever felt was when I was being as SELFISH AS POSSIBLE. Try it and see how it works for you. It’s not about games or manipulation, it’s about the freedom and peace that comes from the perils of attachment. 

Your Love Story

If this is your love story you will not have to force it. Any of it. 

Sometimes you make an appearance in someone’s else’s love story but you’re not the main character. You’re a lesson on that person’s journey. Or they are your lesson. 

Learn the difference. 

And once you have learned that difference, step out of the way if it’s not you. 

If it’s you, you will know. You will not have to beg for their time or cajole them into caring. 

They will never be in a state of indifference about you if it’s you. Trust me. 

You cannot mold someone into your idea of your love story either. Some will be willing to be whatever you need them to so that they too can feel less alone. But don’t be fooled. It shouldn’t feel like that. 

It shouldn’t feel like a constant question. Are they the one? Am I in love? How do you know when it’s right?

When it’s right you don’t ask these questions. No exceptions. Guaranteed. 

Because when you’re the star of the love story the questions stop. You’re just there. It just happened. You were swept away. 

There will be no controlling or maneuvering to fit the pieces together. They will already be the missing piece to your puzzle. 

Love is so hard to explain to those who have never truly felt it or who aren’t currently in it. Because it can’t be summed up into one simple idea or phrase. It’s messy and unorganized. It doesn’t follow a pattern. It hurts and it’s ugly and it breaks barriers that you thought couldn’t be broken. 

But when it’s supposed to be your love story somehow it all just works. It’s just right. It doesn’t make sense and you don’t know how it happened but it happened. 

And that’s when you know that it’s your love story. That you’re the only person in this world at this time that could light up his eyes like that. 

And suddenly you understand why it never worked out with any of the others. That was not your love story. THIS ONE is yours. 

You have to stay quiet and patient enough to allow your story to come to you and unfold. We don’t want to do that. We want immediate satisfaction. So we push and we press and we mold what is not meant for us into being good enough. 

And then we wonder why it isn’t working. Why we resent them. Why they never seem to care. Why the child ends up inside a broken home. 

You knew. You knew they were not the leading man of your story. He knew you were not the leading lady. Better that than nothing? Not in my world. 

You wait for that moment. Because even if it takes years that rush, that feeling, is so fucking worth it. But you will miss it. Your real love story will have empty chapters because you filled them in a different book. Not the Love book. The Placeholder book. 

Let yourself experience YOUR love story. 

You Settled and You Know It

I pretty much find everyone’s relationship to be bullshit. I look at a picture of a couple on instagram and think “fake.” When my friend expresses doubt about moving forward in her relationship I think, “you’re not in love with him.” When a couple starts a family or buys a new house I think, “congrats! You’re stuck in a boring situation you can’t get out of!” The most logical reason for this type of thinking is that I’m cynical as hell or afraid of commitment, but I also really think that most people are so insecure and afraid of loneliness that they’ll grab onto the nearest viable option for dear life and try to mold it into the relationship of their dreams.

People hate the idea of being alone. They need someone to bounce ideas off of, to hold their hand through hardship, to always have a date on Saturday, to spoon them at night, and to support them in their goals. Life is hard and expensive. It’s lonely and scary. It’s much better to go at it with someone else at your side.

So people force things that aren’t there. They settle for good enough. They go on countless dates with the same person because he’s “nice” without feeling any sense of a spark. Not only should you feel a spark, but you should feel FIREWORKS. You should feel BUTTERFLIES! You should feel anxious and nervous and try on 7 different outfits and take photos of it to send to your friend to make sure it’s cute enough. You should get lost in thought fantasizing about that person and smile so big your face hurts when you see a text from them.

Otherwise what is it all for?

Think about how hard it is to actually be in a good, healthy relationship. You have to meet someone that you are compatible with, attracted to, and in the same stage of readiness for something long term at the VERY LEAST. Then you throw in age, profession, religion, sense of humor, politics, ideals, lifestyle, and future goals and hope that most of them match up. There has to be a lot of give and take, good communication, and each person should want to make it work and be willing to be selfless the majority of the time.

Even just to meet someone cool is like trying to hit a target, shooting darts, blindfolded, while drunk. She is cute and awesome but she has a boyfriend. He is funny and great but he just got out of a relationship. He is amazing but he’s 7 years younger than me. She is beautiful but she is an atheist and never wants kids.

Yes, there are apps and dating sites to make this step a little bit easier, and I know I’m in the growing minority when I say that I would rather meet someone organically, but even then you have to compete with an over saturation of options and laziness. If you live in a small town you are constantly surrounded by the same people. If you live in a big city you meet way too many people only one time and then never see them again.

It doesn’t happen a lot, you know?

If you’re like most people, you only love a very small handful of people in your lifetime. So when Erica from human resources jumps from relationship to relationship with barely a month or two of breathing room in between you know that shit isn’t real. But Erica will convince herself that it is because she feels like a leper when she is the only single girl at all the work functions.

Johnny your neighbor just wants to be a dad SO bad. He constantly dates girls who are wrong for him and the next thing you know you are getting an invite to his wedding in 8 months. He is suddenly converting to Judaism and pretending to like country music so that he can make himself become what Miss Good Enough wants and needs so that he can start a family.

The real thing takes time and won’t come if you’re operating from a place of lack. It comes along when you are a complete and fulfilled person in your own life. You can’t force it to fill a void. And if you settle you will always be unhappy. So many people just go for the easy win and will never again experience real and lasting love. What a bleak thought.

I have made a hobby of carefully analyzing other peoples’ relationships. Obviously everyone is different and I can never fully know what goes on behind closed doors, but I can tell who is in something good and who’s not. Those who are in something good look at each other with a sparkle in their eye.

It’s so funny what happens when you ask someone who is in a relationship they settled for what they like about their partner. First, they will have to search for something to say. Then they will reply with things like, “he’ll make a good father” or “he’s very supportive” or “she’s not crazy” or “we have a lot in common.” Those are all great qualities to have, but what about, “he’s fucking amazing” or “I’m madly in love with her and no one else can even compare!?” Using circumstantial adjectives devoid of emotion or feeling are how you describe your job or your boss.

There are SO many fish in the sea. Sometimes you have to wait for a long time for something to bite, and sometimes you will catch a lot of fish that don’t suit you. Just throw them back and recast your line until you catch a whale. Getting scared because it’s taking too long will 10 out of 10 times cause you to choose someone wrong for you.

I think being picky is an amazing quality to have. It’s not about having standards that are way too high, but rather, being more discerning with who gets to know you intimately. If you aren’t feeling it after a couple dates, cut it off. It’s not personal. It’s not business. It’s not a numbers game. It’s about finding the right one. Imagine all the cool and interesting people you could have met during the time you were with the wrong person.

Stop acting so desperate and dependent and just chill. Being with the wrong person is worse than being alone. Think of all the amazing things that being alone gives you! Freedom to do whatever you want! Time to focus on yourself! Limitless nights out with friends! Lots of time to catch up on your favorite Netflix series!

I’ve met a total of three men in my entire life thus far that I’ve seen a long term situation working out with. THREE. I only operate based on an overwhelmingly strong feeling of YES when deciding if someone is right for me. How the hell are you all constantly with someone? How can you possibly like that many people that you legitimately want to be with? You’re lying to yourself and you know it.

If you settle, you will live a life that tastes like vanilla ice cream. Good, suitable, does the job, but BORING as FUCK. Love should scare you and make you feel a little crazy at times. It shouldn’t make you feel out of control, but if you’re not operating on an awe-inspiring vibe that makes you feel buzzed most of the time then it’s probably a sham. Imagine settling for someone you don’t particularly even like that much and are forced to see their dumb face every morning? The Horror!! Just because they will provide you with a nice house, maybe a couple kids, a dog, and financial stability is not enough to get through even 1 year of listening to someone you don’t love clear their throat every 5 minutes or chew with their mouth open.

It does happen. Good things come to those who wait. The stars will align and serendipity will seem real and by law of attraction the universe will bring the right person who is vibrating on the same frequency as you and life will seem SO MARVELOUS and SATISFYING. So don’t block the right person for you by settling for good enough.

*This is an old post that I reworked. It feels very applicable to what I’ve been observing lately, AGAIN

 

The One That Got Away

I’ve dated the same guy three different times over the course of 7 years. The first time lasted a month and a half, the second time lasted a week or so, and the third time lasted two years. He changed so much for the better over the course of that timeframe, but he also changed for the worse in the worst way.

I got a very first-hand, eye-opening experience to what happens to a person after years of heartbreak, baggage, compromise, co-habitation, rejection, and emotional turmoil. There was a HUGE difference from when we first dated to when he was actually my boyfriend. When I first met him he had a carefree energy and was much less guarded. He was completely go with the flow and excited to try new things and very open to sharing every part of our lives together.

When I met up with him this third go round, he had lost a little bit of his sparkle. He was the same guy I had remembered, just more reserved, cautious, and careful. I chalked it up to maturity, but as we got further and further into an exclusive situation it was clear that he was also untrusting, unemotional, and damaged seemingly beyond repair.

I was CONVINCED that I could get him to snap out of it. I thought that if I was patient and open and loving that he would eventually let his guard down and give himself over to me fully. But in two years time, that never happened. I don’t know that if I had held on longer that it would’ve changed or not but I had lost my will to find out. And my rejecting him because of it is probably only going to make him steel himself further. But in all fairness, his fear of commitment is what got us into this mess. And his fear of commitment got him the result he was fearing—losing me.

I get it. Relationships are scary and the fear that comes with opening yourself up to someone new all over again gets harder and harder every time you have to do it. And as we all get older, the more times we have had to start the cycle over again. But at some point it’s going to have to end unless you want to end up a lonely bachelor for all eternity.

And I say bachelor because I have found that men are overwhelmingly more prone to become damaged with multiple heartbreaks than women are. We have a nice little bounce back quality which most men seem to lack.

And what kills me is that I’ve found that most men drag all of their bullshit into the new relationship and hold it against YOU!

“Oh, my last girlfriend was very ungrateful when I brought her flowers one time so I don’t do that anymore.”

“My last girlfriend’s mom didn’t like me so, NO I’m not ready to meet your parents after a year of dating.”

“I was dragged around the wedding circuit with my last girlfriend so I don’t have it in me to go to your best friend’s wedding, sorry.”

“My first marriage ended badly so I’m never getting married again.”

COOL. Well that works out swell for me, thanks! I’m paying for all the problems that your last girlfriend caused? That seems fair. And on top of that you are a shell of the guy you once were so I have to be tasked with helping you unpack a bunch of emotional baggage before you can even consider moving forward with me? Sign me up!

Obviously we as women want to take the damaged little bird under our wings and help them, but sometimes that only makes it worse. And sometimes they never come out of it. So we could spend precious years wasting time trying to get this poor man that we love just literally back to zero!

It’s such a bummer to have a guy not excited about certain things because he has, “done it so many times before.” What a buzzkill. Why should I get the shit end of the stick just because your last relationship sucked the life out of you? And if it’s going to ruin everything else in your future then you might as well just get back together with the ex and have her fucking deal with you.

With every failed relationship we always learn valuable lessons and what not to do. We gain a lot of wisdom and tools that can help make the next relationship better. And what would make the next one successful is if we could all just focus on the future instead of allow our past to put us into fight or flight mode.

Women seem to be pretty good at it, why aren’t men? Why is it easier for us to give each new person we’re dating a fair shot and a clean slate? The only conclusion I can draw is that even though we may be damaged and fearful, we tend to trust a new person FASTER. Men take too much time and when they finally come around to you after years and tests and assurances it’s usually too late.

I’m really starting to worry for my own future because as I get older, the men I date are only going to be more fucked up. I guess I could date younger, but then I would have to deal with inexperience and the immaturity factor.

I don’t even know anymore. I’m so confused. Maybe we all missed the fucking boat and should’ve married our high school or college sweetheart like our parents did. Get each other before any other person can take a dump inside their heart and ruin them beyond repair.

I’m just tired of seeing girls becoming the “one that got away” to these guys who can’t seem to get over their pasts. Drop the bullshit and get over yourself. To feel great pleasure you also run the risk of feeling great pain. But that’s life and holding yourself and your emotions hostage are sure to make you end up alone.