Maybe Emotional Girls Are Better Suited To Be Alone

For creative people, part of the job requires that we feel more and experience more fully. Live more symbolically. Develop the kind of empathy that allows us to relate to everyone on a deep, personal level. How can one expect to create meaningful art if they don’t completely surrender to an open heart?

The trade-off to having those beautiful gifts, especially for women, is that it makes us more emotional. Too sensitive. Unable to handle and process pain. Our soft hearts make us more accessible to both good AND bad.

There is a quote by Alan Watts that says, “We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain” and a truer statement has never been uttered. And for an emotional person those high highs and low lows are beautiful and honest, but also challenging to deal with.

How can a person like this ever expect to be in a healthy relationship?

I’ve come to this point in my life where I truly feel like I can either be single and healthy, or in a relationship and in a constant state of emotional unrest and hypersensitivity.

I thought things would change once I grew up and matured. I thought maybe the problem was the guys I was choosing. I thought that I just needed more learning experiences. I thought that maybe I could just settle for someone who I felt no spark for.

But alas, I have done all those things and yet still continuously struggle for any semblance of a healthy partnership. Is this my plight in life? Is this just something I have to accept?

Maybe once I meet the one all of this will fall away. Maybe I will just have to work much harder than in the past to constantly keep a level head. Maybe I will have to give in to prescription drugs to numb the thoughts and feelings.

Every guy who has ever been in my life in any kind of romantic capacity I have fought endlessly with. My friends ask me why that is and what do we fight about? I don’t know. Everything. Because for me, once I have reached a level of intimacy where I have fully let my guard down and opened my heart, every single thing he does or says affects me.

There is a line that emotional girls like me know needs to not be crossed, but always does. That line of excusing intimacy as a reason to make everything personal. How can we love someone so much and yet be able to separate ourselves and our feelings from getting in the way of everyday life?

We can’t seem to control what we’re feeling while in a relationship. We’re red hot, on fire all the time. Sometimes, if we are 100% sober and not PMS-ing, we can explain how we are feeling in a calm way. But it’s rare. We mainly operate on two levels when we’re upset (which is a lot): passionate, angry rage, or absolute, overwhelming sadness. Few people can deal with us when we’re like that. We can barely deal with ourselves.

With ex boyfriends if I felt like I wasn’t getting enough love I felt terrified that he would leave me and I would act out. If he didn’t kiss me enough in the course of a day I would feel neglected. If he showed even a remote amount of attention to another woman I would feel an urge to strangle that woman with my bare hands and then want to make-out with another man in front of him just to get him back. Crazy, unstable tendencies.

Sometimes we have issues in friendships too. We will take certain things to heart that weren’t meant that way and it can cause tension. But the major difference is that we are not involved with our friends intimately, so there’s a separation that allows us to function in a healthy way.

So what is the solution? I’m still trying to figure that out. Do we have to be labeled the “difficult girl” the rest of our lives and find a shmuck whom is able to put up with it for a short while until he reaches his breaking point?

When I think down the line of all the life events that might come up with a partner, it gives me anxiety. Can you imaging trying to deal with an emotional girl while she is pregnant? With hormones going crazy? When she is planning her wedding? Dealing with a death?

The only times when I can remember feeling long term happiness are when I have blocked out my feelings so hard that I no longer felt anything. Which obviously isn’t how one reaches ultimate satisfaction, but at least no one can hurt you if you feel nothing. If you aren’t feeling hurt then you can feel free to live your life without distraction.

But by blocking pain, you block everything else too. So it’s not a logistical solution.

The bright side of being with an emotional girl is that she experiences happiness and joy at the same kind of intense level. No one else will appreciate your love more. It’s very easy to make her happy with minimal effort and she will always express that gratitude. Her expressions of love will make you weep at the sincerity and raw emotion, that of which most people never even skim the surface. You will never receive a card from her with a handwritten part that merely says, “I love you, Lauren”. It will be an outpouring of feelings for you.

I’m not the kind of person who just says, “sorry, this is how I am. Take it or leave it”. I am constantly working on myself and trying to be better and more mature. But at this point, I’ve come to wonder if this is just what I have to accept and that I hope someone, someday can deal with me for a lifetime.

But if not, I have also accepted the alternative reality. Maybe emotional people are just better suited to be alone.

How Much Did They Pay You To Give Up On Your Dreams?

Hey guys!!!

Sorry I’ve been a little MIA lately. It’s because I was invited to be a contributing writer for the site Elite Daily and today they published my first article!!! I’m so excited! Please like it on their site and share it around so that they will keep publishing me!

http://elitedaily.com/life/much-pay-give-dreams/816492/

xx

Lover Lo

The “I Don’t Want To Have Sex Yet” Dance

For most women, a first date is a pleasurable event. If you are going out with someone who you even remotely like, a first date is a great time to get to know someone new, see if there is chemistry, and assess compatibility levels. There is usually very little pressure, so you can just enjoy getting dressed up and going out even if you don’t meet your soul mate.

At the end of the night, for both the guy and girl, there is usually some slight anxiety surrounding whether to kiss or not. Sometimes you will sit in the car for 20 minutes and talk mindlessly about surface level subjects while gauging if there is interest in the kiss. The female will sit with sweaty palms wondering whether or not she should just get the hint and say goodnight, while the male is usually wondering if his breath is okay and how he can go about doing it without seeming awkward.

But this is small potatoes compared to what comes next.

Once you get that first date under your belt and you feel pretty confident that there is a mutual interest, most people move on to a second date. The second date means there is progress in the relationship, which also means there will probably be progress in intimacy, if not then, then in the near future.

And from there is when all of the questions come in.

“Is it acceptable to sleep with him on the second date?”

“How many dates should I wait to sleep with him?”

“How fast is too fast and at what point do you know he won’t just hit it and quit it?”

“Do I have to wait for him to have the exclusivity talk with me first?” (Yeah right, but most self help books tell me to!?)

“How far CAN we go without it being pretty much sex anyway?”

My mind always goes into panic mode as soon as I know I will be seeing a guy for a second time. It’s pretty rare, as I am of the “one and done” mindset, so when it happens, all of the above questions start swirling through my brain. Formal dating means that there are “rules”, unlike with hooking up, so if you make an error early on it could mean game over.

When it comes to sex, we all know that men typically attribute a lot less emotion and value to the physical act. It’s less likely to make them feel attached or vulnerable as it is with women, so they don’t have to worry about it as much. In fact, a lot of men tend to lose interest in a woman if she gives it up too quickly. So knowing this, most women I know tend to put a lot of emphasis on waiting to have sex if they truly want a long term relationship.

So, therein lies the predicament. How is one to gauge when it is appropriate to sleep with someone and how can one stop it from happening? Because we all know that once the making out starts it’s damn near impossible to stop it from escalating, especially if there is alcohol involved.

Here are some easy ways you can avoid the whole mess until you are ready:

1. Don’t drink alcohol after the first date. (I don’t know about you, but that is not realistic for me.)

2. Don’t go to either of your places. (And keep making out in the car? That’s awkward after one time.)

3. Make it a day date! (FRIEND ZONE.)

4. Be on your period. (Haha, ew.)

5. Tell him you are just not ready yet. (You can get away with that for one night. After that, you start seeming like a tease if you are continuing to escalate the making out/foreplay.)

Inevitably for me I usually end up back at the guy’s place after the 2nd/3rd date. And almost always the scene goes something like this:

*Hand up my skirt*

“Stop,” I say. (Btw, STOP usually means a yellow light to most guys and most girls usually intend for it to be taken that way.)

*Unhook the bra*

*Try to take off my shirt*

“Stop.”

At this point I will usually stop whatever we are doing to cool out for a minute. But it will just start up again 5 minutes later.

“Okay, I’m gonna go now.”

“Stay. I won’t try to have sex with you,” he says, lying though his teeth.

“Okay,” I say, naively, sometimes actually believing it.

*Get into the bed*

*Start making out again*

*Hands roam everywhere*

*Sex*

END SCENE

“Well gee, Lover Lo, why the hell would you sleep over in his bed if you weren’t planning on having sex?” You ask. That’s a perfectly legitimate question, which is why I usually end up putting out.

That’s why this is such a challenge. Because we want it just as much as the guy wants it. We have to keep dodging and dancing around until we just can’t take it anymore, and sometimes that can only last until the end of the night of the first date!

Most guys will tell you that how fast you sleep with them has little to no bearing on whether or not the relationship will have longevity. My brother is engaged to a girl he met in a bar and slept with that same night. But more often than not men like a challenge, so I am under the impression that we should be more willing to give them that.

Here’s to hoping that I can test this out with the next guy. I don’t know how long I will make him wait or how I will be able to pull off not progressing to the bedroom too quick, but I’m still single after 6 years, so I am willing to try.

 

xx,

 

Lover Lo

 

 

 

People Will Always Disappoint You If You Let Them

“People tell you who they are, but we don’t listen. Because we want them to be who we want them to be.”

In case you would like to know, that quote is from Mad Men, the greatest drama on television.

I’ve dissected that quote in my brain over and over again. I understand it on an intellectual level, but I wanted to really get what it meant on a more comprehensive and symbolic level and realize its implications in my own life.

I think what it really boils down to is expectation. Expectation of who we think or want a partner to be and our subsequent disappointment when they turn out to be something different, that is, themselves.

I’m not going to blame Disney or romantic comedies for putting some sort of fantasy relationship in our heads. I’m going to blame all of us as a whole for not being good listeners and ignoring red flags.

In acting class we study human behavior to its core. We learn that there are several factors and circumstances that can shape a person’s belief systems and lifestyle. That guy from North Carolina who moved to LA to do blue collar grip work for TV and film? He will probably still retain some of his Southern charm and values. He will probably also vote Republican and have no desire to extend himself beyond his line of work. He enjoys watching college football and relaxing on nights and weekends with a beer and some grilled food. That guy from New York who moved to LA to be a producer? He is probably impatient and pushy and always on the go. He is answering emails every 5 minutes. He is very social, but sometimes also superficial, because he is constantly trying to make connections and further his career. Of course I am generalizing, but you get the idea.

Someone’s career, hometown, age, upbringing, social status, religious and political views, and values will tell you everything you need to know about what you can expect from them in the future if you’re paying attention. This guy that I was interested in for a while in college was from bumble-fuck Indiana, drove a truck, loved guns and hunting, was a lineman for the football team, and listened to country music. He was dashingly handsome and we got along well on the surface, but it never would’ve worked. Not just because I hate country music and guns, but because the circumstances of where he came from and how he was raised tells me we would clash on an intellectual, spiritual, and emotional level.

So let’s say you like someone a lot who manages to have the same sorts of interests and values as you and is from a similar background. Congratulations. Once you’ve filtered out incompatibility, it’s important to see someone for what they can and are willing to offer you. If your expectation is marriage, don’t date the 23 year old singer of a band you love. If your expectation is financial stability, don’t date a loser who claims to be a writer but who never writes. If your expectation is someone who is extremely loyal and faithful, don’t date a famous professional athlete.

It’s not about being harsh or bitchy, it’s about knowing what you want and not wasting your time and emotional energy on someone who will let you down and leave you disappointed. You have to be very discerning and listen intently to what others tell you on a first date. Don’t come out of the gate with, “Do you want marriage and kids because if not then let’s just end it here”, but do make sure you are aware of all the information that is being presented.

One of my better qualities, that I picked up in my late 20’s, is my ability to recognize right away when someone isn’t right for me. My friends call it “way too picky”, but I call it being able to quickly perceive someone’s essence. Why should I waste my time with someone who isn’t who I want them to be? If they aren’t offering me what I need then there is no reason to give them more than one date.

This guy that I used to work with and whom I always shared a sexual chemistry with, recently “asked me out”. (I put asked me out in parentheses because I was under the impression that that was his intention.) He said he marked the day we discussed on his calendar and was very excited. The day came and I hadn’t heard from him and it was already 5pm. I texted him to see what the plan was and he informed me that he was with a client shooting photos and he would get back to me. 8:30 rolls around and I decided to meet a girlfriend for a drink because, fuck him. He texts me at 9:30 telling me he wanted to come meet up with us, with his client in tow. My friend had to leave, but the 3 of us proceeded to have a drunken night of debauchery. He told me all about how he was couch surfing and was really excited that at this point in his life he has nothing tying him down. We drunkenly made out at the end of the night and it was fun, but completely pointless.

24 year old me would’ve hung out with him again after that and slept with him several times and probably would’ve become attached and it would’ve ended with me demanding him to be my boyfriend. 30 year old me knows that it is a dead end road. I want a relationship. He wants to have fun. He didn’t tell me that, but the context clues told me all I need to know. So when he texted me the following week saying that we should hang out again, I politely declined.

I have a friend, we’ll call her Lexi, who jumped right from a separation from her husband to dating another man. The other man happens to be married. Of course he claims it is completely on the rocks and that he is on the way to getting a divorce, but he nonetheless is in a government recognized commitment with someone else. She chalks it up to the universe giving her what she really needs and so-fucking-what if the timing is wrong. This guy is telling Lexi (not literally of course) that he is a cheating piece of shit. He is telling her that he doesn’t value marriage or vows and that he is quick to trade-up to the next pretty young thing. He is selfish and impatient and wants to flee the ship when things get hard. Does it sound like the future is bright for the two of them?

Another friend of mine, we’ll call her Haley, is in love with this guy who just got out of a relationship. His wounds are super fresh and he feels emotionally broken. He really likes Haley and even asked her on a date and kissed her afterwards. But then he told her, “I’m just not ready to date again. I really like you but it’s just too soon.” So, even after this right-on-the-nose exposition that he gave her, she still loves to call me and say, “but he does x and y and I know he likes me and he came to my comedy show..” and blah blah. Honey, he said he wasn’t ready. Cut your losses and let him go. If you’re a masochist, keep him in your life as a friend whom you wish were more, otherwise stop holding unrealistic expectations over his head and move on.

You have to ask yourself what you want at all times in every facet of your life and constantly strive to seek that out. If your job isn’t giving you the raise that you think you deserve, then maybe your talents should be taken elsewhere. If a friend of yours is constantly flaking on every engagement you ask her to be a part of and it bothers you, stop asking her to hang out. People will constantly disappoint you if you let them. If you have enough wisdom to know that no one is perfect and that you aren’t going to jive with everyone, you will be much happier.

Stop trying to make people who you want them to be. Let them be who they are, and you be who you are, and find the one that matches naturally.

xx

Lover Lo

I’ll leave you with this quote from the amazing Meryl Steep:

“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.”

Change Can Be Uncomfortable

My acting teacher always says that there are only three constants in life: death, sickness, and change. Death and sickness are obviously terrible and change can seem like it too. But most of the time, if you are patient and open to it, it can bring about new opportunities and better situations.

When I find myself in times of sadness or anger about my current romantic status I always have to check myself. First of all for being a whiny bitch and not being grateful for what I do have and not taking responsibility for why I’m still single, but also because I know that change is only a matter of time. I could be in a partnership by Christmas if I’m lucky. I could be married in 2 years. And so could you.

Almost all of my friends are currently going through a painful breakup. Almost ALL of them. At the same time. It’s so coincidental and forces me to have to play therapist all day long. Which got me thinking, it’s so strange how jealous I was of all of these couples just last year and how much their life is changed now. They are all single again. They are all single again just like me except THEY are single and heartbroken whereas I am single and happy.

So my single friends are going to have to go through many months of self-care and therapy and anger and sadness and sleepless nights whereas I am generally happy everyday and having genuine fun with my friends and enjoying alone time. Both single, but in very different stages of single.

There is NOTHING in this world worse than being in the depressing, lonely, nightmare-you-can’t-wake-up-from fog of heartbreak. Everyday you wake up with a weight on your chest and a feeling of emptiness and slog through the hours of your day wishing you could fast-forward time and erase your memory. That is the shittiest feeling and the reason a lot of people are so frightened of falling in love again. But I digress…

How much better is life when you are just single as opposed to single and sad? SO MUCH BETTER. Enjoy that state of being! If you fit into the category of single and sad then just know that change is inevitable and time heals everything. It sucks and you might be there for quite some time. But you’ll either die or you will live through it and be a whole person again in due time.

I do have some advice though for what to do during that time. And none of it includes rebounding or sleeping around because you know what that will make you do? FEEL EVEN SHITTIER.

People say that the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else, but all that does is transfer the pain. A broken person has nothing to give. Everything that new person does sucks because they aren’t doing it like your ex did it. All of the things that the new person does that is like your ex that annoyed you will make you angry way more than it should. Your ex-partner’s dick was perfect, this new guy’s is weird. He kisses weird. His hair is a different texture. He smells different.

Even if you have NO DESIRE to ever get back with your ex, these are probably thoughts you will still have. When you have grown so accustomed to one person for so long, newness is too different too soon. If you like the new guy it will make you miss the ex. If you hate the new guy it will make you miss the ex. See the problem? Give yourself TIIIIIIMMMEEE. That shitty feeling will go away faster without adding a new schmuck into the mix.

My friend Tara (name changed) has been broken up for all of a month with a guy of 1 and a half years and yet she is already on Tinder and Match.com and setting up 2-3 dates a week. Most of them she ends up canceling, she’s told me, but she decided to go ahead and take the plunge last night. She asked me before the date if she should tell this new guy that he is her first since the ex.

“Um, HELL NO.” I replied. “If you can help it, don’t say ANYTHING about the ex.”

Clue #1 that it’s too soon: that you would even think about bringing up the ex on a first date. WHYYYYYYYY?

Then she preceded to tell me that she hopes she doesn’t cry afterwards.

Clue #2 that it’s too soon: If you think you might cry after your date.

When I was rebounding from The Producer (my only long term relationship) every single time I brought up his name to the new guy I was seeing I started crying. It was completely involuntary. Twice I remember saying to the new guy, “I promise I’m over him. It just upsets me.” I have no idea why he didn’t run for the hills after that.

After the date Tara told me that they had sex 4 times (face palm) and that he rubbed her back until she fell asleep. (P.s. this was a guy from Tinder. So essentiality it was a blind date.)

Clue #3 that it’s too soon: If you are falling into intimate relationship tendencies with someone you barely know.

I wrote a post a while back, which has since been deleted per her request, about a really good friend of mine who was super fresh out of a separation from her husband and how she was handling it (hint: not well). In it, I detailed what happened on the dates with new guys she was seeing. Basically what she was trying to do was skip all the fun of dating and getting to know someone and go straight to cuddle sessions and trips out of town. She was looking for a replacement for her ex-husband.

Clue #4 that it’s too soon: If you are trying to fill a void instead of enjoying the journey.

Change will happen whether you like it or not. My friends were all happy and in good relationships at this time last year. Nobody wants a relationship to end, but it happens. Nobody wants to be single, but that changes. You can be envious of everyone in the world for everything they have but that you could be you someday. Or those people could lose it all tomorrow.

The trick to happiness in life is to enjoy where you are any given moment even if it sucks. There are lessons to be learned and opportunities for growth. Look for the good things you have and don’t try to force anything.

 

xx,

 

Lover Lo

Cleansing All the Bad Before Dirty 30

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I’ve decided to take charge of my health after a 5 day bender while my brother was in town and start a cleanse. It’s SO LA I know, but this is different than the master cleanse or a juice cleanse. It’s, in fact, way worse. Yesterday I felt like I was going to die. It’s no sugar, starches, dairy, wheat, alcohol, or caffeine. In other words, torture. I’m doing it because I’m trying to get my stomach/digestion back on track, which has been infected with Candida (bad stomach bacteria) for years. It’s going to be a long road, but hopefully it will be worth it in the end.

Since I can’t have alcohol and picking out something I can actually eat at a restaurant seems like such a pain in the ass, I’ve also decided to cleanse from dating and men. I just don’t have the energy right now. I’m not bitter (yet), I’m just finding it difficult to muster up any kind of hope right now. While I was 23 and working at a restaurant in Chicago I told this jerk-off how in love I was with my current boyfriend and his reply was, “I give it 2 years.” I was LIVID with him at the time, obviously, but now I know what he’s saying. What’s the point? It’s all going to end anyway! We can’t have relationships like our Baby Boomer parents have. My generation has too many “countless ideas and splendid plans”* to just settle and live a quiet life and grow old together. Or maybe that’s just LA? Who the hell knows. Either way, I’m just tired of disappointment and I don’t want to pretend that dating is fun anymore. And it mos def WON’T be fun if I can’t drink. And if one more person tells me to try online dating I’m going to kick them in the teeth.

But I digress.

On a more positive note, I really just don’t have time for people who aren’t awesome because I’m totally awesome and I deserve only the best. And so do you. We all do. So, as my 30th birthday approaches in 21 days I want to tell you all that the most important lesson I’ve learned in my mid-late 20’s is that if someone is not supporting you or inspiring you to be your best self, if they are negative or sucking your energy, or if they take more then they give, GET RID OF THEM. I know that sounds super harsh, but this is only a decision that you will come to when you are ready and you will know when that is. I kept around a lot of friends and acquaintances throughout my 20’s that were unhealthy to me for way longer than I should have. If meeting up with your friend sounds like a drag, GET RID OF THEM. If hanging out at a bar with your friend sucks your energy, PHASE THEM OUT. If a guy is not manning up and realizing what he has when he has you, then BYE! Move on.

I broke up with my best friend of 4 years this year after a long spiral of negativity and toxicity and control and I haven’t even missed her. My life is so much more positive and nourishing without her in it. It wasn’t always that bad. We had a lot of good times and fun memories and became very close. But once it gets to that bad place there’s really no going back. She was never supportive of my career and treated me more like a daughter whom she could manipulate than a friend. The thought of not having a best friend anymore scared me because I literally talked to her everyday about everything. But once she was cleansed from my system I had never felt better.

I now have a really great bff who is everything my last bff wasn’t. And being friends with her has made me realize that what you put up with, you really do end up with. I’m so lucky to have this girl in my life who is nothing but supportive, thoughtful, loyal, and fun. It took me getting rid of the toxic relationship to make room for the new one. I’m hopeful that the same will happen in my romantic life too. Some guy I’m friends with on Facebook posted a quote with an unknown author that says, “You want to come into my life, the door is open. You want to get out of my life, the door is open. Don’t stand at the door, you’re blocking the traffic.” I would rather have just a small handful of really great people in my life then have a lot of acquaintances and half-assed relationships.

I also decided to take charge of my “friends with benefits” relationship and tell him that I wanted to take it to the next level or move on. He decided he wasn’t ready for a relationship so I said good riddance. Now, it took a couple of tries for me to end it completely, but at least I had the courage to put myself out there and tell him how I felt and be real. Which is more than I can say for him. And I deserve to be with someone who isn’t afraid to communicate their heart to me. If I have to wait another 5 and 1-2 years to get that (please God, no) then I will do it. My time is too precious to be wasted on someone who isn’t ready to commit.

Your 20’s really are for figuring yourself out and making mistakes. And boy have I made a lot of them. But I know that your 30’s are when you apply what you’ve learned, live life to the fullest, and reach your full potential and best self. At least that’s what I’m anticipating. And you can’t do that when you have a lot of dead weight attached to you. Mark Manson wrote in his blog post entitled, “10 Life Lessons to Excel in Your 30s” that “life is too short to tolerate people. Only surround yourself with the best in love and friendships”, which sums up my point perfectly. I don’t want anything toxic in my body or my life distracting me from what I moved halfway across the country to achieve.

So, I would like to say “Bye Felicia!” to bad bacteria, bad boys, and bad friends and start 30 off with a bang and a clean slate. Because I’m worth it. (Thanks, Loreal. Good slogan.)

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go back to nursing my sugar withdrawal headache.

xx

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*from a quote by Goethe