The Post Breakup Rage Stage

I’m angry. No, correction, I’m FUCKING angry. So angry, in fact, that I have these dream fantasies about screaming in my ex’s face about how selfish he is. I want to get revenge in some way. I want to say something that will really hurt his feelings so that he will experience the pain and anguish that I had been feeling.

Notice that I say “had” been feeling. Apparently once you move out of the stage of crying every night and randomly throughout the day, feeling numb, eating your feelings, and watching too many reruns of Sex and the City, you move into the I FUCKING HATE YOU stage. I guess anger is better than sadness, but anger makes you want to DO something whereas sadness makes you not want to do ANYTHING. I want to punch him in the face, fuck one of his friends, or post some really provocative shit on social media.

And speaking of social media, the thing I’ve latched onto lately as making me the MOST angry is that he seems to be fine and going on with his life according to his Instagram photos. He’s all over New York smiling and making jokes like he didn’t just lose the love of his life. Asshole.

And then because I’m angry about that, I start feeling angry about all the things he didn’t do and all the ways he disappointed me in the relationship. Which is good I guess, but those feelings have no where to go. All it does it ruin my mood and put a bad vibe out into the universe.

I was the one who orchestrated the breakup, I know. But that doesn’t mean that I wanted it. Part of me feels like he wanted out and so he let the relationship get to such a bad place that it forced ME to end it. I’ve analyzed every possibility in the book and yet thinking about it and trying to rationalize any of it only makes me feel worse. But the least he could do is fade from existence for a while until this has all blown over.

Stop thinking about him. Focus on yourself. Move forward. You deserve better.

I have to repeat those statements to myself all throughout the day. Some days are fine and I can make it out alive with only fleeting thoughts of what was or what could have been. But other days I feel like I’m just floating through life without any direction or purpose anymore. Everything feels weird and not quite right.

And the weirdest thing is, about a week after it happened I felt mostly okay! I felt like I was being released from the shackles of my own pain and suffering from within the relationship. I was free from the disappointment and crushed expectations. But now what’s left is the empty hole where his presence used to be. Even though I didn’t have his presence as much as I wanted it or in the way that I wanted it, I still had it.

So it comes to a point where I either have to accept that it’s really over for good and treat it like a death, or hold onto the idea that we will get back together eventually. Those are really the only two options. The latter is a very dangerous path to go down and will keep me stuck and hanging on instead of moving forward. So death is it, I guess. I mean how do you reconcile going from talking (or at least texting) with someone everyday to absolutely nothing?

The only other option is to use the pent up energy for someone new. But the idea of being with someone new is way too scary for me. Plus it only prolongs the mourning and isn’t really fair to the other person. I’m not going to be able to fuck my ex out of my mind and heart.

Part of me feels like he owes me something. He owes me an apology for not giving enough of himself. Or he owes me some fucking tears because I sure gave him a lot of those! I don’t need closure or anything, I guess I just wanted more of a reaction out of him. All I have is silence. One of the biggest problems I had with him is I felt like he didn’t care enough. About anything. He’s showing me that I was right. Whether that is deliberate or not.

As we get older, each new failed relationship just piles on the baggage and the cynicism. It’s hard to believe that I have to go back into the horrible dating world. Or get used to someone else’s quirks and habits. Ease myself into showing someone new my face with no makeup on. Go back into the cycle of: does he like me? will he call? what does this text mean? It’s exhausting to even think about.

I know, I know. Obviously I’m just not ready to move on yet. I just need to find a new outlet to manage this anger and come to terms with the finality of the breakup. Because if not, I run the risk of becoming that girl who thinks there are no good men in LA or that they’re all afraid of commitment. I don’t want to become an angry, bitter person. I’ve been that person before and she was not fun to be around.

He did the best he could. I can’t be mad at him for only going as far as he was capable of. But I might have to block him on Instagram so I don’t have to see him thriving without me.

Anger Management – Be More Like Amy

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Ooooooo man. I am ON one today. My internet AND cable isn’t working and I have to be on call for the AT&T service guy to come to my place anytime between the hours of 8am today and tomorrow at 9pm. Just kidding. But seriously, how do they expect a person to just chill at their apartment all afternoon to wait for these guys. I have shit to do! And with no internet I have to be at the coffee shop to write this, which means as soon as they text that they’re on their way I have to haul ass home or they charge me.

I’m especially angry because my roommate was trying to fix our DVR last night and ended up shutting the whole thing down. So because the problem is her fault, you would expect HER to sit and wait for the service guy, right?! NOPE! She’s going to the ELLEN show today and since she never wakes up before noon I can’t expect her to get anything done. The responsibility always falls on my shoulders. Ugh. If you want something done you have to do it yourself. 

Not only is that problem bothering me but so is the fact that this dog keeps incessantly barking while his owner is inside getting coffee. LEAVE YOUR DOG AT HOME, dude! He obviously isn’t one of those chill dogs who can just hang and be cool while you get your pretentious decaf latte with almond milk! (Haha, that’s actually what I drink. It’s so dumb isn’t it?)

Anyway, every time I’m having one of these moments when the steam comes out of my ears I am reminded of a conversation that a friend had with me a little while back. We were all hanging out at my favorite karaoke bar having a grand old time when he suddenly and swiftly killed my happy buzz by offering me some wise advice. I’m gonna try to quote the conversation verbatim as best I can:

“Lauren, have you ever been with a girl?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I just have no desire to.”

“Sometimes I think that the reason you’re so angry is because you actually want to be with girls.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re obviously very beautiful and a very strong woman but you’re an angry person. You’re a ball buster. That’s why I like Amy so much (his girlfriend). She never gets mad about anything. You should try therapy. I really think it could help you.”

I mean, WHAT IN THE FUCK. This was just the climax of the conversation too. It went on before this for about 20 minutes. I wasn’t angry before that convo, but at that point he was gonna see some anger. How dare he think he can analyze me and why I’m single or what my sexual orientation might be or how I could find a mate if I were only MORE LIKE AMY. I just don’t even know where to begin…

I’m not a patient person. Sometimes I fight. I like to joke around with guys and poke fun because I have four brothers and that was the only way to survive. I am a hot head and an Aries and very passionate. Sometimes I fly off the handle at little things, but I can also reset very quickly. 0 to 100 and back to 0 again. 

I wish I were more like Amy. 

Amy is the type of girl who ALWAYS has a boyfriend. In fact, her ex was still living with her at the time my friend and her got together. She gets to have OVERLAP! I’ve been alone for FIVE YEARS! And I’ve brought that upon myself because I’m not more like Amy.

I’m sorry I’m not a pushover. I’m sorry that I speak my mind. I’m sorry that I have opinions and fight for what I believe in and get pissed if I’m not getting something that I deserve. I really am sorry…to myself. Because myself is what is getting in the way of me having a relationship.

Of course I have my other issues too, but I think a lot of it can stem back to my anger. Angry girls don’t have boyfriends. They are mistaken for lesbians. They are hard to “deal with” or “handle”. 

Maybe I really should go to therapy. But I’m not sure that would help my anger on a day to day basis. Sometimes I just want to think, “well a real man could deal with that” but I also don’t want a guy to have to DEAL with my difficulties. On the other hand I wonder if maybe I just haven’t found a guy that I’m compatible with. Or it could be because I’m always accepting less than I deserve and so my anger comes out a lot as insecurity and fear. 

I wish I were more like Amy.

The reason the conversation I had with my friend was so upsetting to me is because I’m afraid he’s right. I don’t want to wake up one morning at 36 and be like my ex-bff who is as angry and bitchy and difficult as they come. Because if I don’t handle this shit now it’s only going to get worse. 

There is a book called “The Surrendered Single” by Laura Doyle which for the past couple years had been my bible. In it she explains how strong women often treat boyfriends like someone they have to or need to control. She says that women like us need to learn to let things go and surrender themselves to the present moment and to focus on things they are grateful for. Her tag line is “Feminine is the new feminism” which could turn many a feminist away. But I always thought that since what I was currently doing wasn’t working for me I might as well try her ways. 

It works for a minute until I revert back to the real me. It’s just so hard to keep it under control all the time! She says that by relinquishing control you will actually feel freer. But for me it just makes me bottle up the anger and feel anxious. But I guess at this point I have two choices: learn to work on it or be single forever. I choose the former, thanks. 

During a conversation with my most current love (which happened a couple months before the above convo) I actually said to him, “I think you should be with someone like Amy or Sarah. They’re more easygoing than I am.” I was willing to send him away because I knew that he would end up hating me down the road. And away he went…

I wish I were more like AMY!!!!

I’m not going to be submissive and introverted EVER. But I think maybe I can keep my fat ass mouth shut on every single issue and pick my battles wisely. It’s doesn’t matter in the long run usually and it’s probably making my blood pressure go up anyway.

All of us are responsible for our own emotions. We choose how we are going to deal with things and we decide what reactions to have. No one else is the cause of our experience. The problem is me. I need to change. And I think sooner rather than later would be great. Happiness and joy comes from inside. Having a guy should be fun and add to my life, not make it unbearable as I sometimes make it. I’m a work in progress still…

xx