When To Say BOY BYE!

My friend had to knock some sense into me the other day about my relationship. I was feeling sad and depressed and very much like a victim in my current circumstances. I had assumed that feeling was coming from the fact that I was scared of losing my boyfriend, since I had just confided in her that I didn’t think the relationship was working anymore. And she told me that she didn’t think I was sad about that, she felt I was sad because I wasn’t being true to what I want. That for a little over two years I had been lying to myself.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“You have been in this same cycle pretty much since the two of you have been together. He isn’t providing you what you want and you have continued to accept that.”

As the saying goes, what we put up with we end up with. Subconsciously I’ve known for a long time that that is what the problem in our relationship has been, but I was avoiding much conflict about it because I didn’t want to let him go.

Any time I feel sad or want to complain about my circumstances, this particular friend serves me up a healthy dose of tough love.

“If you keep accepting things for the way that they are then you are in a much worse position than moving forward. Do you feel good right now?”

“No,” I admitted.

“Exactly. You’re accepting nothing but crumbs from him and then trying to emotionally manipulate your way into getting what you do want. You’re never going to get it that way.”

I had to meditate on that for some time. My boyfriend accuses me frequently of being emotionally manipulative, something I believe has been practiced into a habit since early childhood. (I blame it on being the middle child.) It’s interesting to me that I use that technique and my friend suggested it had to do with my constant need to control.

You see, it takes a lot of courage to stand up for what you want and not accept anything less. It takes courage because the alternative is potentially losing someone you care about. But if they aren’t willing to meet your needs then they aren’t the right person for you anyway. In an effort to not lose him I keep the tightest hold that I can onto him while acting desperate and borderline hysterical in the process.

It has taken a long time for me to understand the difference between the things that I need and the things that I want. It turns out, you can really tell what you need by how you feel about not getting that thing for days/weeks/months later. For example, my boyfriend was out of town on my birthday. Not for work, and not because of some preplanned trip. He was out of town because his dad had a free plane ticket for him to come home and he couldn’t turn it down. Not even the celebration of the birth of the person he loves the most could keep him from going on that trip. And so, he went and didn’t invite me, and so I was left spending my birthday giving my friends excuses for as to why he wasn’t present.

I was upset and angry when he told me and we had a massive fight about it. And I was upset many weeks and months later. But then I started in with all the excuses in the world for as to why it makes sense that he wasn’t there for me. He has to see his son, he comes from a family that doesn’t celebrate birthdays or holidays, blah blah blah. I was the lowest priority on the totem pole and I (begrudgingly) ACCEPTED that position. I cried and I told him how hurt I was and how unacceptable that behavior had been and then allowed everything to go back to normal. He gets a hall pass for missing his girlfriend’s birthday? Wow, what a doormat I am.

And the thing that feels the worst to me is that I’m a very strong and confident person in my real life who never accepts less than what she wants. It’s become increasingly confusing as to why I would allow that to be okay in my intimate relationship. The more it happens, the more I come to expect it, the more he thinks it’s okay. I’m on this vicious hamster wheel of disappointment and yet I’m so AFRAID to get off.

Well, FUCK THAT. I’m done. I’m done being this sad girl who is able to do nothing more than express when I’ve been slighted. I’m an empowered woman who will no longer accept a bunch of bullshit excuses for treating me like an afterthought. The women who get what they want are the ones who say, nothing less than that will do. If you’re not willing to step up, then BOY BYE. I’m channeling my inner Beyonce so don’t give me a baseball bat or I will smash up some windows.

There is this fear inside of me that wells up that says, I’ll never love someone as much, I’ll never connect with anyone as much, I’ll never be as attracted to someone as much and YET…I’ve felt that way about at least 3 other men in my past so I guess I’ve been wrong every time. Fear is what will keep you complacent and stop you from growing and moving forward. I have to get clear about what I want and what I can’t accept and only vibe from that place. I will never be happy otherwise.

If I need my boyfriend to be present for my fucking birthday then that is what I’m gonna get. It doesn’t matter how small or insignificant the request can seem. If it’s important to you then make sure that you get it. The result of not getting those things is built up resentment, anger, frustration, and eventual breakup anyway. Leave with dignity so you don’t have to leave when you’ve become a shell of a person and are so beaten down that it might take months, or even years, to recover.

 

Bossy, Basic Bitches Don’t Have Boyfriends

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You know what’s fucking awesome about being a strong, Alpha female? We are the ones who are the CEOs, the entrepreneurs, the boss’s, the inventors, producers, leaders, trailblazers. We are Sheryl Sandberg, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Marissa Mayer, Hillary Clinton, and Oprah. We are the ones who aren’t afraid to speak our minds and be in control and fight instead of flight. We don’t back down and refuse to play second fiddle. We’re competitive. We’re winners. We’re awesome.

In professional and business ventures, sports, and many other areas of life this is an AMAZING type of ferocious spirit to have. In relationships, not so much. Alpha females have a very hard time relinquishing control and allowing things to naturally unfold when it comes to dating. We are so used to making plans and decisions and telling people what to do that it’s just a natural part of our personality in every aspect of our lives. But men don’t like to be told what to do and acting in this way can ruin even the most promising courtship.

So what are girls like us to do? Constantly edit and censor ourselves and subdue our natural instincts? In a way, yes. It’s not fair sometimes and it’s definitely not easy, but almost all successful relationships follow this “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus”* model. When Alpha females try to control and take charge they adopt “masculine” tendencies which interrupts the natural flow of relationships. It will no doubt cause a lot of fighting and anger. The only women in men’s lives that can and should control them are their mothers.

And really, I don’t want to CONTROL someone. I have an opinion on everything and I want to tell someone what is the best or right way to do things because I think I know best, but sometimes I just have to shut the fuck up and take a backseat. It sounds pretty hard, but after a while it will become a habit. And letting go of control shouldn’t be HARD, it should be freeing. But how come I’m going to have to put so much more effort into making a relationship work than other girls?

My brother was in town this weekend and he brought his girlfriend, Ashley (name changed), of 3 years whom he just bought a house with and whom he plans to marry soon. Ashley is awesome and fun and up for anything. She is never in a bad mood and if she is ever negative, it’s for 5 minutes and then she’s over it.

I learned SO much from watching the interactions between her and my brother. Shen never complained once or tried to control any situation. If my brother did something wrong or made a choice about something she didn’t like, she never once spoke up about it. And I never once saw them fight except during an intense game of Euchre (a Midwestern card game) and instead of holding a grudge, Ashley quickly moved on. She didn’t allow her hurt feelings about the game affect the rest of her day. She isn’t ruled by her competitive ego like I am.

We all went hiking at Runyon Canyon later and I told them that I think that it’s so hard for me to be in a relationship because with every guy I’ve ever been with we fight like crazy. All the time. When I said that Ashley asked:

“What do you fight about?”

“I don’t know…Everything.” I said.

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” I said again.

“Jeff (my brother) and I never fight. Only every once in a while about really stupid things.”

This simple conversation was so enlightening to me. What do I fight with my guys about? What they’re wearing, how they chew their food, when they brush their teeth, when they go to bed, how much they drink, what kind of music they like, where they like to hang out, who they like to hang out with, how they drive, what they spend their money on……………the list goes on forever. Ew. What a drag I am. That is so NOT FUN. Who wants to hang out with someone like that?? I suddenly realized why I’ve been single for so long…

There is a quote that I’ve heard a million times and seen a million girls retweet and repost on Instagram attributed to Marilyn Monroe which says, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best”, which is a problematic piece of wisdom to follow. Marilyn Monroe is an Alpha female for sure and no doubt drove many of her boyfriends absolutely crazy. Why should my guy have to put up with me being a naggy psycho bitch who reminds him of his mother when I could just as easily swallow my ego and pick my battles? I don’t want any man to have to “handle” me. I want him to think I’m feminine and easygoing and always have a good time when he’s with me. I can leave my Alpha personality on set or in the office or at the meeting.

I am going to be the next Oprah/Beyonce/Marissa in my career. In my relationship, I’m happy to take a backseat now. I don’t want to spend another 5 and 1-2 years single. 🙂

xx

*”Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” by John Gray, Ph. D.