You know what’s fucking awesome about being a strong, Alpha female? We are the ones who are the CEOs, the entrepreneurs, the boss’s, the inventors, producers, leaders, trailblazers. We are Sheryl Sandberg, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Marissa Mayer, Hillary Clinton, and Oprah. We are the ones who aren’t afraid to speak our minds and be in control and fight instead of flight. We don’t back down and refuse to play second fiddle. We’re competitive. We’re winners. We’re awesome.
In professional and business ventures, sports, and many other areas of life this is an AMAZING type of ferocious spirit to have. In relationships, not so much. Alpha females have a very hard time relinquishing control and allowing things to naturally unfold when it comes to dating. We are so used to making plans and decisions and telling people what to do that it’s just a natural part of our personality in every aspect of our lives. But men don’t like to be told what to do and acting in this way can ruin even the most promising courtship.
So what are girls like us to do? Constantly edit and censor ourselves and subdue our natural instincts? In a way, yes. It’s not fair sometimes and it’s definitely not easy, but almost all successful relationships follow this “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus”* model. When Alpha females try to control and take charge they adopt “masculine” tendencies which interrupts the natural flow of relationships. It will no doubt cause a lot of fighting and anger. The only women in men’s lives that can and should control them are their mothers.
And really, I don’t want to CONTROL someone. I have an opinion on everything and I want to tell someone what is the best or right way to do things because I think I know best, but sometimes I just have to shut the fuck up and take a backseat. It sounds pretty hard, but after a while it will become a habit. And letting go of control shouldn’t be HARD, it should be freeing. But how come I’m going to have to put so much more effort into making a relationship work than other girls?
My brother was in town this weekend and he brought his girlfriend, Ashley (name changed), of 3 years whom he just bought a house with and whom he plans to marry soon. Ashley is awesome and fun and up for anything. She is never in a bad mood and if she is ever negative, it’s for 5 minutes and then she’s over it.
I learned SO much from watching the interactions between her and my brother. Shen never complained once or tried to control any situation. If my brother did something wrong or made a choice about something she didn’t like, she never once spoke up about it. And I never once saw them fight except during an intense game of Euchre (a Midwestern card game) and instead of holding a grudge, Ashley quickly moved on. She didn’t allow her hurt feelings about the game affect the rest of her day. She isn’t ruled by her competitive ego like I am.
We all went hiking at Runyon Canyon later and I told them that I think that it’s so hard for me to be in a relationship because with every guy I’ve ever been with we fight like crazy. All the time. When I said that Ashley asked:
“What do you fight about?”
“I don’t know…Everything.” I said.
“I don’t know.” I said again.
“Jeff (my brother) and I never fight. Only every once in a while about really stupid things.”
This simple conversation was so enlightening to me. What do I fight with my guys about? What they’re wearing, how they chew their food, when they brush their teeth, when they go to bed, how much they drink, what kind of music they like, where they like to hang out, who they like to hang out with, how they drive, what they spend their money on……………the list goes on forever. Ew. What a drag I am. That is so NOT FUN. Who wants to hang out with someone like that?? I suddenly realized why I’ve been single for so long…
There is a quote that I’ve heard a million times and seen a million girls retweet and repost on Instagram attributed to Marilyn Monroe which says, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best”, which is a problematic piece of wisdom to follow. Marilyn Monroe is an Alpha female for sure and no doubt drove many of her boyfriends absolutely crazy. Why should my guy have to put up with me being a naggy psycho bitch who reminds him of his mother when I could just as easily swallow my ego and pick my battles? I don’t want any man to have to “handle” me. I want him to think I’m feminine and easygoing and always have a good time when he’s with me. I can leave my Alpha personality on set or in the office or at the meeting.
I am going to be the next Oprah/Beyonce/Marissa in my career. In my relationship, I’m happy to take a backseat now. I don’t want to spend another 5 and 1-2 years single. 🙂
*”Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” by John Gray, Ph. D.