Keep Going or Give Up?

How do you know whether to give up or keep going in relationships?

I think about this at least once a month. “I want to give up. It’s too hard. I’m disappointed all the time. I’m unhappy. I’ll never get the future I desire with him.” Those thoughts run on a loop in my head anytime I don’t get what I want or have my expectations dashed by him. Sometimes I feel like a petulant child or that I’m pinning too much of my happiness on him and other times I feel like he goes out of his way to disappoint me and show me that I’m not his main priority.

But then I think about having to start over with someone new and it sounds awful. I say to myself, “just hold out longer. Keep your mouth shut. Be agreeable. If you’re patient and cool you may get what you desire.” And then that dialogue runs on a loop until I convince myself that it’s really not that bad. But I think the problem lies in trying to decipher if I’m being too pushy and controlling or if what he is and who he is isn’t enough for me.

He complains that I get my heart set on timelines and goals and if he doesn’t meet those in the time frame that I have decided on in my head then I get upset and pick a fight or try to end it. And I’ve definitely done that. I’ve definitely been close to ending it 4 or 5 times and ended it for real for 6 days once. I don’t want to be the girl who cried wolf but I also don’t want to be the girl who held out for as long as she could stand for a guy who was never going to give her what she desired in the first place.

And he almost has a point, I guess. If he tells me things will happen but they just haven’t yet, shouldn’t I just be patient and relax and know that he just takes more time than me with all of these milestones? But what it he’s just telling me these things will happen to shut me up and keep the peace? He might keep delaying progress until his face turns blue and then I’ll be in a worse position than I was before with even more time wasted and resentment built up.

Relationships are hard and they take work and we have done so much work and have made progress but I just don’t know if it’s enough. I don’t want to feel like I’m begging him to move forward with me all the time and I don’t want to feel as if I’m waiting for the moment when I’ll finally be happy.

Sometimes it just feels like it will never be enough. Never enough time, energy, attention, or care put into cultivating our partnership. I feel like I’m giving everything I have on my end and not getting enough in return. No one wants to be with a needy person and if that’s the vibration I’m putting out, then he will feel that and want to pull away. So at times I don’t even blame him for the way he behaves, but if I’m not getting enough of what I want then obviously it’s going to manifest itself somehow.

Isn’t the point of being in a relationship to share all of the important moments with the person you love the most? Do I just have to come to terms with the fact that I will be going alone to most events and experiencing a lot of life without him or with friends instead? Is that so bad? Or do I want my boyfriend to always be there with me all the time for everything?

Maybe adult relationships are about separate people with separate lives doing their own thing and coming together only to enhance each others’ lives. That sounds really nice and independent and shit, but what about those moments when I feel more alone than I did when I was actually alone? Because you only miss someone who isn’t there. You don’t miss someone you don’t have. When I miss him it feels worse than being single.
I should be grateful and appreciate what he DOES do, right? I need to focus on the ways he tries to make me happy and respect the progress that he HAS made, no? But then why am I always in tears about things that he has failed to do and opportunities he’s missed to bring me even the slightest bit of joy? But if I give up, will I be MORE sad than I am now?

I definitely don’t expect too much. I expect way less than I would’ve in the past because he’s forced me to lower those standards. So the result always feels like I need to express to him that I’m not fulfilled and walk away to find my desires elsewhere.

And then the cycle starts over with someone else at some undetermined point in the future when I’ve kissed enough frogs to find someone suitable. And then what if I don’t like that person as much? What if I realize I’ve made a huge mistake and he won’t take me back? Assuming that this person is good enough and respects me, what if I discover the same problems and then I’m back in the same position after even more years of waiting, wishing, pushing, and hoping.

“Just keep going. Stick with the one you love so much. Give him a break. Relax. Focus on yourself/your career/your friendships for happiness.” This is the cycle of thoughts I usually settle on. But I honestly don’t know how many times I can keep doing it.

So will it always be something? Will I never be satisfied? Once I get the things I’m asking for now is there going to be some earth shattering glow of happiness that will suddenly wash over me? Why can’t he just fucking do everything I want so we don’t even have this issue to begin with?!

For now I guess all I can do is take a breath, have a glass of wine, and wait for the PMS to pass.

The “I Don’t Want To Have Sex Yet” Dance

For most women, a first date is a pleasurable event. If you are going out with someone who you even remotely like, a first date is a great time to get to know someone new, see if there is chemistry, and assess compatibility levels. There is usually very little pressure, so you can just enjoy getting dressed up and going out even if you don’t meet your soul mate.

At the end of the night, for both the guy and girl, there is usually some slight anxiety surrounding whether to kiss or not. Sometimes you will sit in the car for 20 minutes and talk mindlessly about surface level subjects while gauging if there is interest in the kiss. The female will sit with sweaty palms wondering whether or not she should just get the hint and say goodnight, while the male is usually wondering if his breath is okay and how he can go about doing it without seeming awkward.

But this is small potatoes compared to what comes next.

Once you get that first date under your belt and you feel pretty confident that there is a mutual interest, most people move on to a second date. The second date means there is progress in the relationship, which also means there will probably be progress in intimacy, if not then, then in the near future.

And from there is when all of the questions come in.

“Is it acceptable to sleep with him on the second date?”

“How many dates should I wait to sleep with him?”

“How fast is too fast and at what point do you know he won’t just hit it and quit it?”

“Do I have to wait for him to have the exclusivity talk with me first?” (Yeah right, but most self help books tell me to!?)

“How far CAN we go without it being pretty much sex anyway?”

My mind always goes into panic mode as soon as I know I will be seeing a guy for a second time. It’s pretty rare, as I am of the “one and done” mindset, so when it happens, all of the above questions start swirling through my brain. Formal dating means that there are “rules”, unlike with hooking up, so if you make an error early on it could mean game over.

When it comes to sex, we all know that men typically attribute a lot less emotion and value to the physical act. It’s less likely to make them feel attached or vulnerable as it is with women, so they don’t have to worry about it as much. In fact, a lot of men tend to lose interest in a woman if she gives it up too quickly. So knowing this, most women I know tend to put a lot of emphasis on waiting to have sex if they truly want a long term relationship.

So, therein lies the predicament. How is one to gauge when it is appropriate to sleep with someone and how can one stop it from happening? Because we all know that once the making out starts it’s damn near impossible to stop it from escalating, especially if there is alcohol involved.

Here are some easy ways you can avoid the whole mess until you are ready:

1. Don’t drink alcohol after the first date. (I don’t know about you, but that is not realistic for me.)

2. Don’t go to either of your places. (And keep making out in the car? That’s awkward after one time.)

3. Make it a day date! (FRIEND ZONE.)

4. Be on your period. (Haha, ew.)

5. Tell him you are just not ready yet. (You can get away with that for one night. After that, you start seeming like a tease if you are continuing to escalate the making out/foreplay.)

Inevitably for me I usually end up back at the guy’s place after the 2nd/3rd date. And almost always the scene goes something like this:

*Hand up my skirt*

“Stop,” I say. (Btw, STOP usually means a yellow light to most guys and most girls usually intend for it to be taken that way.)

*Unhook the bra*

*Try to take off my shirt*

“Stop.”

At this point I will usually stop whatever we are doing to cool out for a minute. But it will just start up again 5 minutes later.

“Okay, I’m gonna go now.”

“Stay. I won’t try to have sex with you,” he says, lying though his teeth.

“Okay,” I say, naively, sometimes actually believing it.

*Get into the bed*

*Start making out again*

*Hands roam everywhere*

*Sex*

END SCENE

“Well gee, Lover Lo, why the hell would you sleep over in his bed if you weren’t planning on having sex?” You ask. That’s a perfectly legitimate question, which is why I usually end up putting out.

That’s why this is such a challenge. Because we want it just as much as the guy wants it. We have to keep dodging and dancing around until we just can’t take it anymore, and sometimes that can only last until the end of the night of the first date!

Most guys will tell you that how fast you sleep with them has little to no bearing on whether or not the relationship will have longevity. My brother is engaged to a girl he met in a bar and slept with that same night. But more often than not men like a challenge, so I am under the impression that we should be more willing to give them that.

Here’s to hoping that I can test this out with the next guy. I don’t know how long I will make him wait or how I will be able to pull off not progressing to the bedroom too quick, but I’m still single after 6 years, so I am willing to try.

 

xx,

 

Lover Lo

 

 

 

I Hope You Have Your “Enough” Moment Soon

There’s a saying that my hairdresser always uses when I’m stuck in a relationship that isn’t fulfilling me the way it should but I can’t really let go: “You’re not done until you’re done.”

Such a simple statement and yet so perfectly describing what that type of a situation is like. How many more times can you be disappointed before you finally just say, “enough”.

It’s like the poor sap on “Love, Actually” who goes to his best friend’s wife and pours out his entire heart to her on fucking poster board set to music and afterwards says, “enough. Enough now.”

The problem with this is that it’s SO HARD to make it to that point. You put up with his disrespect, you recover from that night of crying into your pillow, you learn to live with him not being available enough, not answering your texts, not fully giving of himself. Being emotionally unavailable, pushing you away, making you feel less than. You keep in this cycle until one day you suddenly rediscover your self-respect and your worth and you put your chin up and you say, “enough”.

It’s not even something that you can force yourself to do, which is the most annoying part. Because when your heart is that attached to someone and you’ve been so intimate and shared so much of yourself you want to do everything you can to salvage that. And it was probably pretty good at one point otherwise what would you have to fight for? You probably had created some amazing memories and went to some amazing places together and shared cool stories from your past. But once a relationship gets to the point where you are feeling disappointed more than happy, it starts to spiral into shit.

No one wants to stay in a place of unhappiness, but sometimes as hard as you fucking try, you just can’t pull yourself out of it. For whatever reason, you aren’t ready to move on yet.

It’s such a terrible place to be in and I don’t wish it on my worst enemy. And you won’t be done until you’re done, so good luck. I hope it happens sooner rather than later. I hope you don’t completely lose yourself and become an unhappy shadow of who you once where and disappear into dullness along the way.

Some people are really strong and can be like, “fuck you, I’m done” and walk away and wash their hands clean. I am not one of those people. I have to slog through the shit until I’ve cried so much and so hard that I literally have no more tears left for that person. I’m all dried up. My emotional spirit has been broken and I have to get out and repair it or else I’ll be swallowed in the sea of despair.

My poor friend Kristin (name changed) has been struggling for about a year to rid herself of her vile ex-husband who is a raging sex addict. Even knowing EVERYTHING (and I mean everything. Every email, voicemail, text, online exchange etc.) wasn’t enough for her to be done with him right away. They went to couples therapy. She tried to treat it like an alcohol addiction and help him through this rough journey. But he kept deceiving her and being a piece of shit human being so she finally divorced him. But even now she has moments of weakness where she will call him and ask, “should I wait for you?”

It sounds crazy to someone from the outside, but the heart wants what the heart wants regardless of what that person did. You can rationalize it in your brain until your face turns blue but then that beating organ in your chest decides to shit inside your thoughts and derail your progress.

When Janay Rice (Ray Rice’s wife) had a press conference in which she stood by her man and rationalized the fact that he beat her unconscious and dragged her body out of an elevator with her ass showing we all sat with our jaws open and scolded her in our minds for being so stupid. But sometimes it’s hard to even leave an abuser. Hopefully one day soon she realizes she is worth more than that and has her “enough” moment. Only time will tell.

My moment came with The Colombian (my psuedo-ex boyfriend) when I was playing cards with his roommate and his roommate’s girlfriend and he jokingly made fun of me the ENTIRE night. He called me out for making a bad play in our game, he criticized what I wanted to order for dinner at the takeout place, he didn’t pay any attention when I tried to show him a new song I had learned on guitar. These are little tiny things, but the build up of all of the months before just peaked that night and I was DONE.

My moment came with Boyband (another pseudo-ex boyfriend) this afternoon when he flaked on a double date we were supposed to have tonight. He had several opportunities to let me know that he wasn’t available, but instead he decided he would pretend that we didn’t really have “set plans” and say that he had people coming into town and needed to entertain them. He probably doesn’t even think it’s a big deal, but when your heart is so tied to someone and they disappoint you for the 900th time you can’t help but to get upset. And today was the day that I decided that I had no more fucks to give and that I don’t want to feel that disappointment anymore. There isn’t an excuse in the world he could’ve given me that would be good enough. I’m at the end of my rope and I’m walking away for good.

You deserve to be with someone who feels lucky to have you everyday. You deserve to be with someone who is a man and not a boy. You deserve to be with someone who will take you on dates instead of just fuck you. Of course even with the right man there will be hard times and you won’t feel the love at every moment, but you know when a situation isn’t enough for you, and that’s not the way a healthy relationship is supposed to be. We can make excuses for them and pretend like we don’t care and believe that things will change soon, but you know deep down that you deserve better.

You won’t get out until you’re ready, but know that when you do that better things are on the horizon. So many of us have been there before. You are not alone. Make yourself happy first and eventually you will realize that if a guy isn’t making a concerted effort to keep you and make you happy that you have the option to find a person who will. Because those guys exist. They ARE out there. When you are in an unfulfilling relationship, you aren’t available to those guys. So, as Elizabeth Taylor would say, “Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together”!

Don’t let someone dull your shine. If your shine has already been dulled, then get it back. And if you don’t feel like you can do that yet, then fake it until you make it. Life is way too short to be with someone who makes you feel less than.

xx

Lover Lo

The Curse of The Un-Available Man

images

Let me just go ahead and preface this by saying, I am HAMMERED. I had 4 glasses of wine and 2 shots of fireball tonight. The fireball I did at a gay bar so it was totally acceptable, OKAY?

Now that THAT is out of the wayyyyyy, um wtf?

I am a little tiny bitty bit in love with this guy. Which would be awesome if it weren’t for the fact that he is TWENTY FOUR and has a girlfriend. Just to remind all of you, I am THIRTY. Like 3-0. Like way too old to even consider dating this dude, especially because he is a baby. His BODYYYYY though you guys???? I mean, 12 pack central. I want to rub my face into his stomach all day long. But I can’t. Because he is taken. And again, 24.

But this is NOT my fault. FIRST of all, he has been texting me like crazy….and who doesn’t love to have late night text conversations, especially with someone that makes their heart go a flutter? Don’t get me wrong, I’m keeping my emotions in check, but G D if I don’t want to sex him up Color Me Bad style.

Let me explain…I did not ask for this AT ALL. He joined my acting class about a year and a half ago and stayed for a little under a year. I was in that class for 4 years and stayed for about 6 months after he left. I never once considered him to be an option romantically. I thought he was for sure cute, but was so much more into other people at that time that I hardly noticed. And he had a girlfriend from back home in Utah that he was apparently SO in love with. They posted all of their lovey shit on social media all day long.

Fast forward to about a couple months ago. I was DEEP into my drama with Boyband and was barely a functioning human when it came to other men and cute boys. I had blinders on. But he would show up randomly to karaoke sometimes and we would chat and say hey and what are you up to and blah blah….

And then one day he came and something was different. I was attracted, he was attracted, we both felt it. I was pretty buzzed and asked him if he wanted to come watch a basketball game with me and some other friends later in the week and he agreed. We were there at this bar with like 8 other people and yet we couldn’t stop talking to each other. We just hit it off in every way and it was easy and fun and cool.

And THEN one day we were just jokey texting all night and it suddenly started to turn serious. We talked about his girlfriend and their status and he told me secrets about how he wanted to jump my bones. (Insert emoji of the smiley face with all the teeth showing.)

I have no idea what’s going on. I DO NOT want to be a home wrecker and I sure as hell don’t want to be the “other woman”. But I can just feeeeeel the attraction between us SO hard and he’s so my type and….

I know. He has a girlfriend. What can I do? I’M the one who gets hurt in this situation. Because we are currently having an emotional relationship, but he and his girlfriend have that and then some. He has the physical attachment, which I could never compete with, even if we started fucking like rabbits starting tonight. SO, I lose and I need to cut this out.

But I can’t. And what is with this luck anyhow???? The one guy that I am attracted to in FOREVER since Boyband fucked my life up and he is forbidden fruit. What are the odds? And ALSO, can I point out, that he is putting more effort into this “relafriendshipromance” than any dude I have ever dated. WTF?

Maybe the problem is that I am attracted to unavailable men? I mean the last two pseudo-relationships I’ve had were with emotionally stunted dudes, and I’ve ALWAYS been into guys with girlfriends. I chalked it up to being cool with seeing a dude that could commit, but I think it’s more like it’s safe and so there is no risk.

All I know is that I need to take my feelings elsewhere unless I want to get hurt again. There is no way I win in this situation……right????

While we are on this subject, why is every guy in LA suddenly twenty fucking four years old??! I swear every dude I meet is in his early-mid twenties. Or are those the only available guys left? All I know is that I’ve been notorious for dating men that are significantly older than me, and that hasn’t worked out so well, so maybe it’s time for a change. I feel like younger men at least put in more effort. They haven’t been burned and jaded to the point of dead feelings yet.

I need to keep my distance, I know, but the attention I’m getting right now is at least nice.

I’ll keep you updated….

 

xx

I Miss The Boyfriend I Never Had and The Relationship We Were Never In

Image

Oh, hormones. You’re annoying.

I hope that’s what I can blame this heartsick feeling on anyway. PMS! Yes! I always feel more emotional and needy right before bleed week…

But it’s not just this week. I’ve been feeling this way ever since I walked away from you when you decided you couldn’t give me what I wanted. And I know that was the right thing to do, but then why do I miss you EVERY FUCKING DAY? 

You weren’t even that good to me. We were never in a committed relationship. You did whatever you wanted and saw me when you felt like it. I did the same, but I bet your mind wasn’t going as crazy as mine was. Maybe those were games both of us were playing or maybe you really just weren’t on the same level as me.

We’ve never been on the same level. You wanted me more and chased me for almost two years before I finally came around and fell for you. Maybe you were over it at that point. But I’ll never know because you are such an emotional warrior that you refuse to let me see you vulnerable. I was that way too until I fell in love with you. I thought you were slipping away and so I laid everything out on the table and now I’m left heartbroken.

And the funny thing is, I don’t even think we are right for each other. I think you and I both fell for the wrong person. We fight all the time and rarely give in to each other. How could we possibly survive a relationship? Yet I still want it…

I see and feel reminders of you all the time. I still wear your oversized T-shirt to bed. The pictures of you making out with me in the photo booth on my birthday are still hanging on my bulletin board. Your career is taking off again and I have to see your dumb little fans tweeting at you and leaving stupid messages on your Instagram. But it doesn’t matter because I know you like me best…

Why couldn’t we make it work? Why did you say you loved me and then claim you never said such a thing? Normally I see these things as the universe telling me, “Get out! It’s not meant to be!” But I cannot swallow that this time. Not after 3 and 1/2 years and after I saw that look in your eyes saying that it’s going to be hard but you want to make it work with me.

But then there is that other look where you cast your eyes down and mutter things like, “I just want to have fun”, which makes me think you are more of a boy than a man anyway. You could never give me the attention and affection that I need and deserve. Or could you?

I don’t feel like I’ve even experienced half of who you could be. I wonder if I closed your heart to me by brushing you off for so long. But I’m here now and I want you now. You said you loved me on four different occasions. I know I’m not the only one who wants it. 

The first time this ended was easier. I just thought to myself, “well, I guess I have to move on now.” But then you came BACK and made me THINK that you wanted to really go for it. But then you chickened out.

I KNOW I’m just like your ex. You tell me all the time. I KNOW that you guys fought a lot too and that it took a toll on you. I KNOW that we technically have astrological signs that clash. I’m scared about that too. But I would rather fight with you then be with anyone else. 

There are SO MANY men in this town. WHY do I bother giving you any minute of my time and thoughts and energy?! 

Because I love you. 

And I will continue to love you and miss you until there is someone else I guess. 

 

Bossy, Basic Bitches Don’t Have Boyfriends

Image

You know what’s fucking awesome about being a strong, Alpha female? We are the ones who are the CEOs, the entrepreneurs, the boss’s, the inventors, producers, leaders, trailblazers. We are Sheryl Sandberg, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Marissa Mayer, Hillary Clinton, and Oprah. We are the ones who aren’t afraid to speak our minds and be in control and fight instead of flight. We don’t back down and refuse to play second fiddle. We’re competitive. We’re winners. We’re awesome.

In professional and business ventures, sports, and many other areas of life this is an AMAZING type of ferocious spirit to have. In relationships, not so much. Alpha females have a very hard time relinquishing control and allowing things to naturally unfold when it comes to dating. We are so used to making plans and decisions and telling people what to do that it’s just a natural part of our personality in every aspect of our lives. But men don’t like to be told what to do and acting in this way can ruin even the most promising courtship.

So what are girls like us to do? Constantly edit and censor ourselves and subdue our natural instincts? In a way, yes. It’s not fair sometimes and it’s definitely not easy, but almost all successful relationships follow this “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus”* model. When Alpha females try to control and take charge they adopt “masculine” tendencies which interrupts the natural flow of relationships. It will no doubt cause a lot of fighting and anger. The only women in men’s lives that can and should control them are their mothers.

And really, I don’t want to CONTROL someone. I have an opinion on everything and I want to tell someone what is the best or right way to do things because I think I know best, but sometimes I just have to shut the fuck up and take a backseat. It sounds pretty hard, but after a while it will become a habit. And letting go of control shouldn’t be HARD, it should be freeing. But how come I’m going to have to put so much more effort into making a relationship work than other girls?

My brother was in town this weekend and he brought his girlfriend, Ashley (name changed), of 3 years whom he just bought a house with and whom he plans to marry soon. Ashley is awesome and fun and up for anything. She is never in a bad mood and if she is ever negative, it’s for 5 minutes and then she’s over it.

I learned SO much from watching the interactions between her and my brother. Shen never complained once or tried to control any situation. If my brother did something wrong or made a choice about something she didn’t like, she never once spoke up about it. And I never once saw them fight except during an intense game of Euchre (a Midwestern card game) and instead of holding a grudge, Ashley quickly moved on. She didn’t allow her hurt feelings about the game affect the rest of her day. She isn’t ruled by her competitive ego like I am.

We all went hiking at Runyon Canyon later and I told them that I think that it’s so hard for me to be in a relationship because with every guy I’ve ever been with we fight like crazy. All the time. When I said that Ashley asked:

“What do you fight about?”

“I don’t know…Everything.” I said.

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” I said again.

“Jeff (my brother) and I never fight. Only every once in a while about really stupid things.”

This simple conversation was so enlightening to me. What do I fight with my guys about? What they’re wearing, how they chew their food, when they brush their teeth, when they go to bed, how much they drink, what kind of music they like, where they like to hang out, who they like to hang out with, how they drive, what they spend their money on……………the list goes on forever. Ew. What a drag I am. That is so NOT FUN. Who wants to hang out with someone like that?? I suddenly realized why I’ve been single for so long…

There is a quote that I’ve heard a million times and seen a million girls retweet and repost on Instagram attributed to Marilyn Monroe which says, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best”, which is a problematic piece of wisdom to follow. Marilyn Monroe is an Alpha female for sure and no doubt drove many of her boyfriends absolutely crazy. Why should my guy have to put up with me being a naggy psycho bitch who reminds him of his mother when I could just as easily swallow my ego and pick my battles? I don’t want any man to have to “handle” me. I want him to think I’m feminine and easygoing and always have a good time when he’s with me. I can leave my Alpha personality on set or in the office or at the meeting.

I am going to be the next Oprah/Beyonce/Marissa in my career. In my relationship, I’m happy to take a backseat now. I don’t want to spend another 5 and 1-2 years single. 🙂

xx

*”Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” by John Gray, Ph. D.