Hey Boys, Man Up Or Miss Out. Your Choice.

http://totalsororitymove.com/this-guy-wrote-the-most-beautiful-heartbreaking-letter-to-his-ex-girlfriend-brooke-if-youre-out-there-give-him-another-chance/

Well, well, well. Thank you TheDude1 for totally legitimizing what I am about to write about…

Remember that song “When I Was Your Man” by Bruno Mars? The song wherein he waxes poetically about how much he regrets losing an amazing girl? About how he put in -10% effort into pleasing her? About the fact that now that she has moved on and met someone else he hopes for her sake that the man does everything he never did for her because he just loves her so much and wants her to be happy?

Stop regretting losing that amazing fucking woman because you were afraid of commitment/still acting like a boy/busy keeping your options open. What are you DOING?! Why does it take her getting to the point of indifference for you to finally open your eyes? Why is it that so many of you fear a girl who has actual feelings for you?

MAN THE FUCK UP, BOYS!

This is an ALARMING trend I’m seeing with millennial men and it makes me fear for myself and my peers. Do we have to date guys who are almost 40 to make sure they have sowed their wild oats and then some and are just too exhausted to continue? Not that 40 is old, but can we please have the option of having a relationship with a man who is a little less than a decade older? If you are out of college and have a grown up job, for the love of god please realize that girls are not just for fucking and that life can be awesome with an awesome person by your side.

I was reading Glamour magazine on a flight back to LA from Indiana and in it there was a comic strip about the evolution of men and women in modern day. The women have become so progressive in terms of lifestyle and in the professional world. We are taking on more responsibilities, becoming more prevalent in big business and government, and pursuing what we really want to do in life. The men have regressed. They are in their 30’s and still smoking bongs all day and playing video games. They are less interested in taking care of ANYTHING, let alone a woman, and living with their parents well into their 20’s. I’m not saying that we are a superior gender than you, Glamour said it. 🙂

I know that we are firmly engulfed in the “hook-up” culture and over saturated with a myriad of options for easy access online dating and phone apps and that we are BOTH at fault, but the men are the ones who are supposed to be pursuing and because of all that they aren’t doing anything. So we are all running around single.

Even when a guy happens to fall for one of these girls he fell into a casual relationship with he STILL does nothing. He plays games and waits and takes his chances and has sex with randoms still and then, boom. She’s gone. You’re left with your dick in your hands and all you can feel is the slow burn of regret. Learn from TheDude1! Let’s stop the trend!

After my “break-up” with Boyband, I posted this status on Facebook: “There are so many beautiful, amazing single girls in LA surrounded by a bunch of selfish man children.”

It was my most controversial status to date. And I’ve posted about GUN CONTROL several times!

You can deny, deny, deny, and get defensive all you want, guys. Maybe you aren’t like TheDude1 and can reflect objectively enough to realize what you had soon after you had it. Maybe you will only feel that regret years later. Wake up!

My brother’s best friend, we will call him Andrew, is deeply entrenched in this idea. He hooks up with a new girl every single weekend night and hasn’t had a real girlfriend since his mid-twenties (he is now 32). He has had two girls in his life in that time in which he was sleeping with on the reg and taking out and hanging with, but when those girls pressed him for something more serious, he bailed. He will claim, “I don’t care” when we ask him about them, but I know better. He seems to think he is some kind of perpetual bachelor who just LOVES the single life and doing what he wants. But I know that it’s actually a defense mechanism.

Everyone goes through different phases in their lives in which they MUST be single. They have to learn to love themselves and focus on their personal growth. But everyone wants to be in a partnership eventually. It’s human nature. Maybe you haven’t felt a connection with someone in 10 years, or maybe you just are missing out on several opportunities.

I can’t even tell you the number of times I’ve seen this happen (in LA it is an everyday occurrence). Boy and girl start seeing each other. Boy and girl are in a casual relationship. Boy and girl start getting questions from those around them about what their status is. Girl starts feeling insecure. Girl asks for a commitment. Boy freaks the fuck out. Girl gives him some time. Girl keeps showing her love. Boy keeps rejecting it. Girl gets sad, then mad, then fed up, then moves on. Boy tries to win her back.

By that point, guys, it’s usually too late. Once a girl has moved on it is hard for her to open up to you again. And not only that, she may have found a new guy who is treating her the way you should have. Don’t let that be you! Regret is the worst feeling in the entire world in my opinion.

And I am not talking about the girls who are just looking to get laid at your local bar late at night. I’m not taking about that girl who you are not even attracted to and who annoys the shit out of you whom you slept with twice. I’m not even talking about that girl you dated who you knew you weren’t compatible with. I’m taking about the girl who is RIGHT under your nose whom you love being around and shares your same interests and with whom you have amazing sex. The good girl who is wife material who you haven’t made a commitment to because there was no pressure. Until there is and you opt out.

Don’t be the guy who has to write a song or write a blog about the time “when I was your man”. Don’t wait until you are almost 40 and have already fucked every girl in your friend circle to finally get on match.com to find a girl and settle. Trust me, empty sex with several strangers is going to lose its luster at some point.

Here’s the thing. Most self-respecting, amazing women will not settle for a casual relationship long enough for you to make up your mind about sealing the deal. They will be the ones to get out first. What is so scary about commitment? Why does it take you losing her to really realize how much you loved her? It’s really a shame. I think a lot of my friends, and myself, could have been in some amazing relationships if only you hadn’t pretended not to care.

Man up or miss out. Your choice.

 

xx

Lover Lo

 

I Do Not Envy Your Shitty Relationship

images-2

This is a conversation one of my good friends had with me last night:

“You need to get out more. You should join a rec league.” (NOPE. This makes me want to vomit in my mouth more than I can even explain. And I am a former ATHLETE too!)

“Are you serious? I am out more than a 21 year old college student.” -Me

“Well why don’t you get on Tinder then?”

“Why in the ever loving fuck would I do that?” -Me

“To just chit chat.”

“Why in the ever loving fuck would I just want to chit chat with STRANGERS?!”

By the way, this conversation wasn’t the least bit provoked by me. I was lamenting the fact that I needed to move on from Boyband, but was in no way asking for advice on how to get dates or find new men. I find plenty of men, without the help of Tinder or rec leagues thank you very much, I’m just being patient and waiting for when it’s right. I wish I could get under someone else in order to get over Boyband but I also know that I get easily emotionally attached by being physically intimate, so it would only transfer my pain onto someone new. Not smart.

Anyway, after this conversation my friend revealed to me that her boyfriend of a year and a half and her hadn’t been having sex. She said they were lucky to get it in once or twice a MONTH. AND he is a bit older than her and has no plans to have children, which has been a goal of hers for forever. She knows there is an expiration date and yet continues to waste her best years on him. 😦

I have another friend who hadn’t had sex with her boyfriend in almost a YEAR until the dry spell was broken by a threesome recently. WHAT THE F. My other friends and I are completely baffled by this. The conclusions we have drawn are that the boyfriend is either gay or addicted to porn.

I have another friend who is super recently separated from her husband after about a year of being unhappy. She married at 23 (way too young, please don’t ever do that) to a man almost 20 years her senior and British, which was doomed from the start. At 23 you are going to be going through A LOT of changes and at 40 you are pretty much done changing and stuck in your ways. He was very controlling and had addiction issues which led to a lot of mental and emotional abuse for her.

I have another friend who is recently separated from her husband because it had been revealed that he was a full blown sex addict who was a member of multiple fetish websites and online dating sites and could be found trolling Craigslist for blow jobs from strangers on the regular WHILE MARRIED. This is especially upsetting because I was under the impression that this was the absolute perfect couple whose relationship I aspired to have. From the outside it seemed like a fairytale. And it was, until the rug was ripped out from under my poor friend.

I have another (former) friend whose husband married her for a green card unbeknownst to her (it’s amazing how drunk and manipulated we get on love sometimes) and was also revealed to be a porn and sex addict.

I was at a birthday party recently for a friend and was feeling a little lonely because all of the girls who were there who I thought were single suddenly had dates to bring to the party. They chatted away intimately with their dates or in little groups of foursomes while I preceded to get hammered off of Fireball shots and tried to figure out how to stream the Pacers/Heat game on my phone. (I grew up with four brothers, leave me alone.)

A couple days after the party my friend Lisa told me that our friend Annie and her date had already broken it off because he had trouble getting it up. She said that she believed Annie had tried to turn a friendship into something more but that it failed because there was no chemistry or sexual attraction.

My point is that a relationship doesn’t always equal happiness. And from the outside any relationship could present something completely opposite to what goes on behind closed doors. I choose to be single and wait for what will hopefully be an amazing partnership rather than latch onto something that is wrong or flawed from the beginning. I am mindful of red flags and know myself enough to know whose personality would clash with mine and who I have no chemistry with. I’m not saying I am better or smarter than my friends, but I do think that when it comes to relationships, being picky is a valuable asset to have.

Some relationships of course start off amazing and then tank as it goes on. That’s the risk you take when you choose to make that leap. And most of the time the rewards outweigh the risks. You just have to be cautious.

But watching all of my friends go through this and then dole out relationship advice to me is quite humorous to say the least. It’s almost like it’s what they wish they were doing instead of being stuck in a shitty relationship. Because most of the time it doesn’t even have anything to do with me and what my life is really like. I appreciate their efforts to help me not BE SAD AND SINGLE YOU POOR THING!, but maybe they should focus on fixing their own relationship.

No relationship is perfect and everyone probably has a thing or two that they need to work on even in super happy relationships, but currently I am beyond thrilled that I don’t have to be expending that effort. It feels really good to come home from work late at night and put on sweatpants and watch Chelsea Lately and eat peanut butter straight from the jar instead of sadly trying to figure out why my man has a limp dick and no sex drive. I would take being single over being in a bad or wrong relationship a million times over.

Those stupid girls who are always in a relationship aren’t more attractive or desirable than you. They are just dependent and unable to be happy on their own. There are 27 guys who I could’ve laughed and charmed my way into being with this year, but instead I choose to hold out. This way I can wait for what I deserve and learn as much as possible about myself and bring a whole, awesome being to a mature and real relationship.

I really hope all of my friends can find healing and happiness and/or be strong enough to leave a relationship that’s not right. It’s really hard as a woman to go through life on your own and be self-sufficient. And it’s super hard to find people who are ready and committed to having a healthy relationship here in LA, but it is possible. All it takes is a dash of hope, a whole and healthy mind, an open heart, and a lot of patience. 🙂

 

xx