Anger Management – Be More Like Amy

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Ooooooo man. I am ON one today. My internet AND cable isn’t working and I have to be on call for the AT&T service guy to come to my place anytime between the hours of 8am today and tomorrow at 9pm. Just kidding. But seriously, how do they expect a person to just chill at their apartment all afternoon to wait for these guys. I have shit to do! And with no internet I have to be at the coffee shop to write this, which means as soon as they text that they’re on their way I have to haul ass home or they charge me.

I’m especially angry because my roommate was trying to fix our DVR last night and ended up shutting the whole thing down. So because the problem is her fault, you would expect HER to sit and wait for the service guy, right?! NOPE! She’s going to the ELLEN show today and since she never wakes up before noon I can’t expect her to get anything done. The responsibility always falls on my shoulders. Ugh. If you want something done you have to do it yourself. 

Not only is that problem bothering me but so is the fact that this dog keeps incessantly barking while his owner is inside getting coffee. LEAVE YOUR DOG AT HOME, dude! He obviously isn’t one of those chill dogs who can just hang and be cool while you get your pretentious decaf latte with almond milk! (Haha, that’s actually what I drink. It’s so dumb isn’t it?)

Anyway, every time I’m having one of these moments when the steam comes out of my ears I am reminded of a conversation that a friend had with me a little while back. We were all hanging out at my favorite karaoke bar having a grand old time when he suddenly and swiftly killed my happy buzz by offering me some wise advice. I’m gonna try to quote the conversation verbatim as best I can:

“Lauren, have you ever been with a girl?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I just have no desire to.”

“Sometimes I think that the reason you’re so angry is because you actually want to be with girls.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re obviously very beautiful and a very strong woman but you’re an angry person. You’re a ball buster. That’s why I like Amy so much (his girlfriend). She never gets mad about anything. You should try therapy. I really think it could help you.”

I mean, WHAT IN THE FUCK. This was just the climax of the conversation too. It went on before this for about 20 minutes. I wasn’t angry before that convo, but at that point he was gonna see some anger. How dare he think he can analyze me and why I’m single or what my sexual orientation might be or how I could find a mate if I were only MORE LIKE AMY. I just don’t even know where to begin…

I’m not a patient person. Sometimes I fight. I like to joke around with guys and poke fun because I have four brothers and that was the only way to survive. I am a hot head and an Aries and very passionate. Sometimes I fly off the handle at little things, but I can also reset very quickly. 0 to 100 and back to 0 again. 

I wish I were more like Amy. 

Amy is the type of girl who ALWAYS has a boyfriend. In fact, her ex was still living with her at the time my friend and her got together. She gets to have OVERLAP! I’ve been alone for FIVE YEARS! And I’ve brought that upon myself because I’m not more like Amy.

I’m sorry I’m not a pushover. I’m sorry that I speak my mind. I’m sorry that I have opinions and fight for what I believe in and get pissed if I’m not getting something that I deserve. I really am sorry…to myself. Because myself is what is getting in the way of me having a relationship.

Of course I have my other issues too, but I think a lot of it can stem back to my anger. Angry girls don’t have boyfriends. They are mistaken for lesbians. They are hard to “deal with” or “handle”. 

Maybe I really should go to therapy. But I’m not sure that would help my anger on a day to day basis. Sometimes I just want to think, “well a real man could deal with that” but I also don’t want a guy to have to DEAL with my difficulties. On the other hand I wonder if maybe I just haven’t found a guy that I’m compatible with. Or it could be because I’m always accepting less than I deserve and so my anger comes out a lot as insecurity and fear. 

I wish I were more like Amy.

The reason the conversation I had with my friend was so upsetting to me is because I’m afraid he’s right. I don’t want to wake up one morning at 36 and be like my ex-bff who is as angry and bitchy and difficult as they come. Because if I don’t handle this shit now it’s only going to get worse. 

There is a book called “The Surrendered Single” by Laura Doyle which for the past couple years had been my bible. In it she explains how strong women often treat boyfriends like someone they have to or need to control. She says that women like us need to learn to let things go and surrender themselves to the present moment and to focus on things they are grateful for. Her tag line is “Feminine is the new feminism” which could turn many a feminist away. But I always thought that since what I was currently doing wasn’t working for me I might as well try her ways. 

It works for a minute until I revert back to the real me. It’s just so hard to keep it under control all the time! She says that by relinquishing control you will actually feel freer. But for me it just makes me bottle up the anger and feel anxious. But I guess at this point I have two choices: learn to work on it or be single forever. I choose the former, thanks. 

During a conversation with my most current love (which happened a couple months before the above convo) I actually said to him, “I think you should be with someone like Amy or Sarah. They’re more easygoing than I am.” I was willing to send him away because I knew that he would end up hating me down the road. And away he went…

I wish I were more like AMY!!!!

I’m not going to be submissive and introverted EVER. But I think maybe I can keep my fat ass mouth shut on every single issue and pick my battles wisely. It’s doesn’t matter in the long run usually and it’s probably making my blood pressure go up anyway.

All of us are responsible for our own emotions. We choose how we are going to deal with things and we decide what reactions to have. No one else is the cause of our experience. The problem is me. I need to change. And I think sooner rather than later would be great. Happiness and joy comes from inside. Having a guy should be fun and add to my life, not make it unbearable as I sometimes make it. I’m a work in progress still…

xx

 

 

Hey Boys, Here’s How NOT to Get A Second Date

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Since I’ve been single for forever I’ve had A LOT of time to rack up an accumulation of cringeworthy dates. You know, the kind where you vow to not date again for 6 months minimum? Some are awful right from the get-go and some just slowly evolve into a bad dream. And the worst part is you usually feel trapped by the fact that he paid, he drove, etc. and don’t feel that it’s polite to end it right away. So you suffer in agony through his dull stories and bad etiquette until you have had enough martini’s to soften the irritation building in your brain. 

For me, you get one try for a date and if I’m not super interested, or at least on the fence, then it’s over. And I have had one and done’s with the majority of guys I have been out with. I don’t feel like my standards are too high either. Just be cool and don’t be a douche. Those qualities should not be as hard to achieve as they have been. 

I always give a guy props though for having enough balls to approach a woman and ask her out (especially to dinner and ESPECIALLY if he calls instead of texts), so even if I don’t feel a spark right away I will give him credit for that and say yes. So dudes, if you get the date and you really like the girl, DO NOT do any of the things in these following examples. Kthxbai. 

Bad date #5

I was walking down the hallway of my apartment building after a long night at work, looking sweaty and shiny and tired, and I ran into Jarrod* who was taking some garbage to the trash shoot. Jarrod was this guy who I had run into several times in the elevator hallway and exchanged a polite hi, but that was it. He stopped me dead in my tracks by grabbing my arm and saying, “Hey! Do you want to go out sometime?” I was so caught off guard that the only response I could give was yes.

I gave him my number and regretted it immediately. He proceeded to text me about every 20 minutes from that night until we went to dinner about 4 nights later. “Hey! Good morning! What’s are your plans today?” “You’re so amazing! I’ve wanted to ask you out for months!” “You seem super fit. I’m actually really lazy and kind of a dork. I must warn you I really like fantasy football (actual text)” I mean, are you serious? All day text convos are designated only to my BFF and my Dad, if he even wanted to do that, which he doesn’t. 

Anyway, I still decided to give it one shot and went to dinner with him at a cute Italian restaurant. He received major brownie points from me for dressing suave, smelling nice, and having a good solid job that he explained to me all about. But the night took a huge left turn when he said, “After my ex and I broke up I’ve decided that I just really want to be honest about everything.” And he proceeded to tell me how amazing I was after almost every sentence I spoke, that I was so beautiful that it made him sweat and feel nervous, and that I’m so cool and awesome that he isn’t sure if he even deserves me because he is the biggest nerd ever. TONE IT DOWN, desperate! Jesus. I seriously had to say to him, “You know, some things are better in your head as thoughts than actually made audible. You might want to leave some mystery.” And he went on and on about how he’s no bullshit and I’m sorry if that scares me away blah blah. 

So guys, don’t be like Jarrod and reveal WAYYYYYY too much too soon and come on WAYYYY too strong. I mean, this dude didn’t know me at all. It was like he had been dreaming and fantasizing about me all day and night and had come up with this untouchable princess fantasy in his head. Yikes.

Bad Date #4

David* was a guy that I met while getting some late night grub at a diner. He was working behind the counter and he was just all charisma and charm while I waited for my to go food. He told me he was a student, so I figured the fact that he worked at a diner wasn’t the WORST thing ever. He got my number and we set a date to see a Shakespeare play, which is a perfect date idea for me.

While we were texting during the day of the date he slips in there that he wants me to drive. I was like, “Okayyyyy.” And he says, “I would, but I don’t have a car.” I was immediately thinking of canceling, but then I decided I really wanted to see the play. So I picked him up at his apartment and he told me he would navigate us there. He failed to tell me though that the theatre was in MALIBU, which is QUITE a trek from Hollywood, especially during rush hour. My car at the time was a 1997 Mitsubishi Galant, which is not nearly as glamorous as it sounds, and didn’t run very well. It also didn’t have cold AC, but it was about 150 degrees that day, so I was running it anyway. I was anxious the entire way there that the poor thing was going to break down.

The play was good, the conversation to and from was bad. He was very into himself and his “acting” and wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, complete with really bad grammar (total buzz kill for a writer). I thought we had found a common interest when he started talking about Al Pacino, but then mentioned “Goodfellas” which stars ROBERT DENIRO YOU IDIOT and it was all over with.  

It’s totally fine if a guy doesn’t quite have his shit together yet, but if you’re going to date people, suggest things that are cheap and fun and easy! However, the lesson here is: NO CAR? NO 2nd DATE. Sorry. Oh, and also, don’t be dumb. 

Bad Date #3

I met Greg* at The House of Blues one night to see my friend’s band play. He was cool and funny and tall and had a really nice confidence about him. He was a ginger though, which is SO not my style (I’m only half kidding). We agreed to meet at this piano bar on a Friday to drink and listen to some tunes. Well, here’s a warning to everybody: at a small piano bar you will NOT be able to hear your date. There were so many “what?”‘s and zero recognition head nods that finally we decided to go somewhere else.

I wished that we had stayed where I couldn’t hear him because once I could, I realized that he was a sexist pig bordering on misogynist. He told me all about these comedic YouTube videos he’d done of original rap songs, and his latest creation was called, “Don’t Feed My Girlfriend”. This genius work of art is about how he doesn’t want his girlfriend to get fat, so he asks others to please not give her food. In the video he has his girlfriend on a leash. I can’t make this shit up. I have a pretty high tolerance for offensive humor, but the video isn’t even good nor is it funny. It’s trash. The worst part of it was that he decided to give me a little “preview” of the video and rapped live for a veryyyyy uncomfortable 30 seconds. Like, no.

So guys, if you want to get a second date with a girl, make sure you keep all offensive video projects secured on YouTube or Vimeo with a super secret password so that she can’t find them for at least 6 months. She’ll probably find out that you’re a pig before then, but just in case.  

Bad Date #2

Matt* was a guy who I met out at a bar one night. I rarely give my number out at bars because I’m usually wearing beer goggles, but Matt made me laugh SO hard that I figured I could make an exception. He was pretty cute and spoke with a Southern drawl which I found made him seem even funnier. As soon as I got home that night he called me and we talked for almost 2 hours and I cried from laughter at his dumb one liners.

Our first meeting was at a bowling alley/bar in Hollywood that had late night karaoke, which is my favorite. He said his friend and his friend’s girlfriend would be joining us too, which I was fine with. I arrived at the bar and found them all outside smoking weed. I was like, “Oh hell, let me start drinking to be okay with this situation.” Once we came back inside we went upstairs to the karaoke room instead of bowling any games, which was weird to me. I suddenly realized that his friend, the girlfriend, and possibly even Matt were on some hard drugs. The girlfriend especially was totally on some other level and screeching into the mic when she got up to sing. I take karaoke very seriously and when I got up to sing I was going to show them all my chops and stupid friend and girlfriend took the other mic and sang with me, completely ruining the song. After doing this on my song #2 I just gave up and took a seat halfway through.

Matt finally realized that I was uncomfortable and wasn’t very surprised when I wanted to leave. He walked me to my car so slam hammered that I had to help him walk straight. I told him that I wanted to give him a ride since there was no way in hell he should be driving, but he wouldn’t take the offer. So we’re standing there talking and all of a sudden he smashes his face into mine and gives me the most awful, slobbery kiss ever with a mouth that was stale with the taste of beer and cigarettes. So, pretty much the least enjoyable kiss of all time. That was the last I saw of Matt.

Okay, so the lessons here are numerous but the biggest one being DON’T BE AN ALCOHOLIC and/or DRUGGIE.

Bad Date #1

Max* was a guy who was my server at my favorite local bar. Immediately he was enamored of me. He took such an interest in finding out about my life and who I was and was very attentive to my needs, whether they be food and drink related or not. He was convinced it was love at first sight and got my number. 

He would send me sweet texts here and there and one day wanted to see me at his bar around lunch time. He said that I should pick him up an eggnog latte from Starbucks on my way over. I couldn’t believe he would ask me that, and I joked around saying, “Whoa, I’m not your girlfriend yet.” He was not amused. Needless to say, I did not visit him that day. 

I did still go on the date though. We decided to have a picnic date in a park, which I thought was really different and cute, and before we headed over to find a spot he told me to pick a nail polish color out of the 4 he had in his hand. I thought he was giving me a gift and was so flattered. I chose the robin’s egg blue color. As soon as we sat down with our stuff he took off his shoes and socks and told me to paint his toenails. I was totally grossed out, but thought maybe it was like some weird fetish thing he did with girls he liked. Whatever. The lunch conversation began with him telling me he could see himself marrying me, but then 3 minutes later told me he was leaving in a week to do a charity run across the country for 3 MONTHS. Wtf?

After the picnic we went to walk around The Grove, which is an outdoor shopping center. It was decorated so beautifully for Christmas and he stopped 2 or 3 times to ask me to take pictures of JUST HIM in front of pretty decorated areas. After that he asked me if I wanted a chocolate dipped banana, and I was all, “definitely”. He ordered one too and then proceeded to tell me, “since I paid for lunch it’s your turn to pay.” I was completely turned off, but I did it. Who says shit like that?

Day turned into night and we went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner. After eating (and splitting the bill of course) he asked if we should watch a movie. My Wednesdays are very sacred to me and I have a bar I always go to with my friends and I told him this. He then says, “I cleared my whole schedule for you. That’s not really cool if you ditch now.” I mean apparently 8 hours is not enough time to give someone anymore. 

I decided to take him to my place to watch a movie. We looked On Demand and chose the movie he wanted to watch, of course. Afterwards we started making out (only because of the copious amounts of wine I had) and he asked to move to the bedroom. Normally on a first date I never let it get there, but my roommate had just gotten home so I figured it would be better for her. 

I can’t believe I’m about to tell you this next part…

We start really getting into the making out and we’re, ya know, dry humping, and sometimes girls can get (ahem) a little aroused by this sensation, which is exactly what happened. He stopped for a second after that and said, “now it’s my turn” and unzipped his pants. Seriously, I should’ve kicked him out right then for being so gross and forward but I didn’t. I gave him the driest, worst, most un-inspired hand job of my life just to give him what he wanted so he would leave. I felt so used and disgusted. It was like some kind of mental sexual assault. 

Guys, please don’t EVER do any of the things this guy did. Not only did he not get a second date, he got an earful to all of my friends and a blog post about how he is the worst date ever. Congrats, douche. 

I hope soon I won’t have to go on any more bad first dates because I will be in a relationship. One can dream, right?

Not all guys are stupid though and so my next post will feature my top 5 BEST dates. 🙂

xx

*all names changed, duh

Bossy, Basic Bitches Don’t Have Boyfriends

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You know what’s fucking awesome about being a strong, Alpha female? We are the ones who are the CEOs, the entrepreneurs, the boss’s, the inventors, producers, leaders, trailblazers. We are Sheryl Sandberg, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Marissa Mayer, Hillary Clinton, and Oprah. We are the ones who aren’t afraid to speak our minds and be in control and fight instead of flight. We don’t back down and refuse to play second fiddle. We’re competitive. We’re winners. We’re awesome.

In professional and business ventures, sports, and many other areas of life this is an AMAZING type of ferocious spirit to have. In relationships, not so much. Alpha females have a very hard time relinquishing control and allowing things to naturally unfold when it comes to dating. We are so used to making plans and decisions and telling people what to do that it’s just a natural part of our personality in every aspect of our lives. But men don’t like to be told what to do and acting in this way can ruin even the most promising courtship.

So what are girls like us to do? Constantly edit and censor ourselves and subdue our natural instincts? In a way, yes. It’s not fair sometimes and it’s definitely not easy, but almost all successful relationships follow this “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus”* model. When Alpha females try to control and take charge they adopt “masculine” tendencies which interrupts the natural flow of relationships. It will no doubt cause a lot of fighting and anger. The only women in men’s lives that can and should control them are their mothers.

And really, I don’t want to CONTROL someone. I have an opinion on everything and I want to tell someone what is the best or right way to do things because I think I know best, but sometimes I just have to shut the fuck up and take a backseat. It sounds pretty hard, but after a while it will become a habit. And letting go of control shouldn’t be HARD, it should be freeing. But how come I’m going to have to put so much more effort into making a relationship work than other girls?

My brother was in town this weekend and he brought his girlfriend, Ashley (name changed), of 3 years whom he just bought a house with and whom he plans to marry soon. Ashley is awesome and fun and up for anything. She is never in a bad mood and if she is ever negative, it’s for 5 minutes and then she’s over it.

I learned SO much from watching the interactions between her and my brother. Shen never complained once or tried to control any situation. If my brother did something wrong or made a choice about something she didn’t like, she never once spoke up about it. And I never once saw them fight except during an intense game of Euchre (a Midwestern card game) and instead of holding a grudge, Ashley quickly moved on. She didn’t allow her hurt feelings about the game affect the rest of her day. She isn’t ruled by her competitive ego like I am.

We all went hiking at Runyon Canyon later and I told them that I think that it’s so hard for me to be in a relationship because with every guy I’ve ever been with we fight like crazy. All the time. When I said that Ashley asked:

“What do you fight about?”

“I don’t know…Everything.” I said.

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” I said again.

“Jeff (my brother) and I never fight. Only every once in a while about really stupid things.”

This simple conversation was so enlightening to me. What do I fight with my guys about? What they’re wearing, how they chew their food, when they brush their teeth, when they go to bed, how much they drink, what kind of music they like, where they like to hang out, who they like to hang out with, how they drive, what they spend their money on……………the list goes on forever. Ew. What a drag I am. That is so NOT FUN. Who wants to hang out with someone like that?? I suddenly realized why I’ve been single for so long…

There is a quote that I’ve heard a million times and seen a million girls retweet and repost on Instagram attributed to Marilyn Monroe which says, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best”, which is a problematic piece of wisdom to follow. Marilyn Monroe is an Alpha female for sure and no doubt drove many of her boyfriends absolutely crazy. Why should my guy have to put up with me being a naggy psycho bitch who reminds him of his mother when I could just as easily swallow my ego and pick my battles? I don’t want any man to have to “handle” me. I want him to think I’m feminine and easygoing and always have a good time when he’s with me. I can leave my Alpha personality on set or in the office or at the meeting.

I am going to be the next Oprah/Beyonce/Marissa in my career. In my relationship, I’m happy to take a backseat now. I don’t want to spend another 5 and 1-2 years single. 🙂

xx

*”Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” by John Gray, Ph. D.

Find Yourself a Boyfriend Before a Big Move

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There are many events in life where not having a significant other becomes glaringly obvious and painful. They are (in order):

3. Weddings (They ask you way ahead of time if you are going to have a +1. Way to highlight the -1 in my life!)

2. Your birthday (Every year I try to not care if I have someone in my life who is obligated to make me feel special on this day and every year I am massively disappointed that I don’t.) 

1. Moving…

This weekend I moved into a new place with my 2 roommates, who are a lesbian couple. We hired 2 gigantic Russian men from a moving company who could be star rugby players and probably bench 400lbs. We thought that by hiring these giant ogres (movers) that we would have a seamless, pleasant relocation. It took these dudes NINE HOURS to move our stuff 2 blocks and it poured down rain the whole time. They kept refusing, in broken English, to allow us to help pack up the truck. They said that we were a liability and that they needed to fit everything in themselves. “Silly girls. Let men do.” These fuckers didn’t even have a dolly with them. 

These guys didn’t take us seriously whenever we voiced a concern and laughed and probably cursed us in Russian when we told them they were going too slow. The problem wasn’t that what we were saying to them wasn’t valid, it was that none of us had dicks. I’m sure a man would’ve been able to communicate the problems to them much better than we could. We finally said fuck this shit and let them do their business, but as soon as we got to the new place, we hauled ass and helped with anything we were able to carry since the clock was ticking. $581 later, we were broke, angry, and exhausted from lifting 50% of the stuff. 

I’m trying to look on the bright side and be grateful that at least I have two other bodies living in my place that could help lift heavy shit and organize, but I swear to you, I am not moving again until I have a boyfriend. Who is going to help me hang my pictures? Who is going to help me put my Ikea furniture together (damn those Swedes and their mind puzzles!!)? Who is going to help me make good decisions and not hire shoddy movers? 

I know I sound very anti-feminist, but I have the best Dad in the entire world and he always helped me with those things when I was a girl. When you get older, those duties get transferred onto your boyfriend, and then husband. They carry your heavy luggage, they help you when you have car trouble, they guide you in life choices. I’m not saying I’m not capable of doing these things on my own, it’s just nice to have someone there to support and guide you. As much as I like to think so, I don’t know everything, and some things men are just better at handling. 

Thank goodness I have lesbians for roommates because at least they have a nice set of tools and know the best places to get moving boxes (Home Depot, obvi). But they don’t wanna just grab the other heavy pieces of my desk still in my car for me. And I could’ve waited until they came home from work the night we moved in to help me put my Queen sized bed together, but I knew it was going to be late and I just wanted to get relax. So I almost pulled a muscle in my back and completely over-extended myself doing it on my own. I put Sex and the City season 4 into my DVD player and cried myself to sleep.

Weddings, parties, birthdays, events etc. I can handle better being single because I can still get drunk and have fun with my friends. But moving is one of those events where no matter which way you look at it, it 1,000% SUCKS to do alone. If I had a significant other right now I could go to his place and use his internet and cable until we get ours hooked up instead of stealing it from the coffee shop I’m in. So the next time I move (which won’t be for 9 years minimum), I will make some chump my temporary boyfriend (if, God forbid, I’m still single) to help me. 

xx