Let Go and Let it Flow

I was at a bar with my friend Emily* the other night and we were talking about my recent breakup. For the most part I’ve been handling it pretty well, aside from some residual anger and PMS tears, and I think it really took her by surprise.

“One of two things are going to happen. I’m either going to get back together with Ben* and things are going to be different or I’m going to find someone else who is better suited for me,” I told her.

“How are you able to be so at peace with everything?” She wondered. She was mostly asking that question to help her learn how to move forward after her own heartaches.

“Honestly, Abraham Hicks has changed everything for me,” I replied.

I promptly set her up with my favorite Abraham Hicks channel on YouTube so that she could begin listening to some of her lectures. If you don’t know who Abraham Hicks is, she teaches about the law of attraction through, in a VERY simplified explanation, the same ideas as The Secret and the Buddhist religion.

Emily was confused after the first lecture she heard, but I encouraged her to keep listening. This essay is not an advertisement for her teachings and I have nothing to gain from telling other people to seek her out. I just know how miraculous the changes in my emotions and behavior have been since I started listening and making an effort to shift my perspective.

And I started to realize something. Most of the pain and disappointment in my life comes from a place of feeling out of control. Abraham, Buddhists, and probably the authors of “The Secret” (I’ve never read it), know that trying to control everything is the complete antithesis to leading a peaceful and happy life. I’m a control freak by nature and while it can make me a good leader and allow me get a lot of shit done, it also causes me so much anger, sadness, and anxiety if things don’t go how I imagined them to go.

So while I was in peak heartache mode of my relationship as it was crumbling, I was able to realize where all of the despair was coming from. I was feeling a lack of control so strong and I knew the only thing that could make me feel better was to just let go and give up. I’m using the phrase “give up” purposefully because I could’ve stayed in the relationship and let go of control. But I was too far gone. I was spinning so far out of control because of my desperate need to control.

I had to start from scratch and get rid of what was causing me to be so “out of alignment” (that is a phrase that Abraham uses frequently.) And once I let go of that need to control how the relationship was going, I felt such an intense feeling of RELIEF. I felt so much better than I had at any point in the 6 months prior.

And now I know that in the aftermath of what happened, the way to feel really bad about it is to freak out about what’s going to happen in my love life now or despair about the loss. SO many people can’t stand the uncertainty and they jump into something else, or they jump back with the ex, or they sign up for every dating app to make sure they’re desirable again, or they focus on what went wrong and how they should have done things differently. I’ve been there so many times and it’s completely useless.

I have no idea what the future will bring with Ben or with anyone. It’s not my job to know or to force it. It’s only my job to control what I can and should control, which is how I’m feeling. I choose to feel good so I’m only going to focus on what feels good. And that means letting go of the need to fill this gap. Being single again is not at all what I saw for myself and my future with Ben, but I’m making the best of it. All I can do is clean up my vibration. Good things come to those who are vibrating good things.

And after feeling so at peace about that, I started thinking about all the other areas of my life that have caused me to stress out. My career being the main one. A type A person like me can’t STAND not being able to control my own destiny through sheer hard work and determination. I’ve followed the steps and taken all kinds of action and I still am not where I want to be. But I know how much my need for control has been blocking the law of attraction from working its magic. The harder I worked at the success the more frustrated I became and the less I believed it would happen.

Anyone who is in the business of the arts knows that no matter how hard you work, sometimes you never catch that break. Some of the most talented people aren’t working today. But those same talented people might have a disbelief that they deserve success and it blocks them from attracting what they are seeking. Some people are afraid of feeling out of control once they achieve the success. There are many reasons it might not be happening for those people, but it’s absolutely necessary to know you are going to get what you are wanting and not try to control how it gets there and when.

So as that becomes the main focus in my life I’ve started feeling better and better and more encouraged than ever. I don’t need to know how or with whom I’m going to build a life with and I don’t need to know when or in what way I’m going to become successful. It’s all going to happen one way or another.

Let go and let it flow.

Bossy, Basic Bitches Don’t Have Boyfriends

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You know what’s fucking awesome about being a strong, Alpha female? We are the ones who are the CEOs, the entrepreneurs, the boss’s, the inventors, producers, leaders, trailblazers. We are Sheryl Sandberg, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Marissa Mayer, Hillary Clinton, and Oprah. We are the ones who aren’t afraid to speak our minds and be in control and fight instead of flight. We don’t back down and refuse to play second fiddle. We’re competitive. We’re winners. We’re awesome.

In professional and business ventures, sports, and many other areas of life this is an AMAZING type of ferocious spirit to have. In relationships, not so much. Alpha females have a very hard time relinquishing control and allowing things to naturally unfold when it comes to dating. We are so used to making plans and decisions and telling people what to do that it’s just a natural part of our personality in every aspect of our lives. But men don’t like to be told what to do and acting in this way can ruin even the most promising courtship.

So what are girls like us to do? Constantly edit and censor ourselves and subdue our natural instincts? In a way, yes. It’s not fair sometimes and it’s definitely not easy, but almost all successful relationships follow this “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus”* model. When Alpha females try to control and take charge they adopt “masculine” tendencies which interrupts the natural flow of relationships. It will no doubt cause a lot of fighting and anger. The only women in men’s lives that can and should control them are their mothers.

And really, I don’t want to CONTROL someone. I have an opinion on everything and I want to tell someone what is the best or right way to do things because I think I know best, but sometimes I just have to shut the fuck up and take a backseat. It sounds pretty hard, but after a while it will become a habit. And letting go of control shouldn’t be HARD, it should be freeing. But how come I’m going to have to put so much more effort into making a relationship work than other girls?

My brother was in town this weekend and he brought his girlfriend, Ashley (name changed), of 3 years whom he just bought a house with and whom he plans to marry soon. Ashley is awesome and fun and up for anything. She is never in a bad mood and if she is ever negative, it’s for 5 minutes and then she’s over it.

I learned SO much from watching the interactions between her and my brother. Shen never complained once or tried to control any situation. If my brother did something wrong or made a choice about something she didn’t like, she never once spoke up about it. And I never once saw them fight except during an intense game of Euchre (a Midwestern card game) and instead of holding a grudge, Ashley quickly moved on. She didn’t allow her hurt feelings about the game affect the rest of her day. She isn’t ruled by her competitive ego like I am.

We all went hiking at Runyon Canyon later and I told them that I think that it’s so hard for me to be in a relationship because with every guy I’ve ever been with we fight like crazy. All the time. When I said that Ashley asked:

“What do you fight about?”

“I don’t know…Everything.” I said.

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” I said again.

“Jeff (my brother) and I never fight. Only every once in a while about really stupid things.”

This simple conversation was so enlightening to me. What do I fight with my guys about? What they’re wearing, how they chew their food, when they brush their teeth, when they go to bed, how much they drink, what kind of music they like, where they like to hang out, who they like to hang out with, how they drive, what they spend their money on……………the list goes on forever. Ew. What a drag I am. That is so NOT FUN. Who wants to hang out with someone like that?? I suddenly realized why I’ve been single for so long…

There is a quote that I’ve heard a million times and seen a million girls retweet and repost on Instagram attributed to Marilyn Monroe which says, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best”, which is a problematic piece of wisdom to follow. Marilyn Monroe is an Alpha female for sure and no doubt drove many of her boyfriends absolutely crazy. Why should my guy have to put up with me being a naggy psycho bitch who reminds him of his mother when I could just as easily swallow my ego and pick my battles? I don’t want any man to have to “handle” me. I want him to think I’m feminine and easygoing and always have a good time when he’s with me. I can leave my Alpha personality on set or in the office or at the meeting.

I am going to be the next Oprah/Beyonce/Marissa in my career. In my relationship, I’m happy to take a backseat now. I don’t want to spend another 5 and 1-2 years single. 🙂

xx

*”Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” by John Gray, Ph. D.