The “I Don’t Want To Have Sex Yet” Dance

For most women, a first date is a pleasurable event. If you are going out with someone who you even remotely like, a first date is a great time to get to know someone new, see if there is chemistry, and assess compatibility levels. There is usually very little pressure, so you can just enjoy getting dressed up and going out even if you don’t meet your soul mate.

At the end of the night, for both the guy and girl, there is usually some slight anxiety surrounding whether to kiss or not. Sometimes you will sit in the car for 20 minutes and talk mindlessly about surface level subjects while gauging if there is interest in the kiss. The female will sit with sweaty palms wondering whether or not she should just get the hint and say goodnight, while the male is usually wondering if his breath is okay and how he can go about doing it without seeming awkward.

But this is small potatoes compared to what comes next.

Once you get that first date under your belt and you feel pretty confident that there is a mutual interest, most people move on to a second date. The second date means there is progress in the relationship, which also means there will probably be progress in intimacy, if not then, then in the near future.

And from there is when all of the questions come in.

“Is it acceptable to sleep with him on the second date?”

“How many dates should I wait to sleep with him?”

“How fast is too fast and at what point do you know he won’t just hit it and quit it?”

“Do I have to wait for him to have the exclusivity talk with me first?” (Yeah right, but most self help books tell me to!?)

“How far CAN we go without it being pretty much sex anyway?”

My mind always goes into panic mode as soon as I know I will be seeing a guy for a second time. It’s pretty rare, as I am of the “one and done” mindset, so when it happens, all of the above questions start swirling through my brain. Formal dating means that there are “rules”, unlike with hooking up, so if you make an error early on it could mean game over.

When it comes to sex, we all know that men typically attribute a lot less emotion and value to the physical act. It’s less likely to make them feel attached or vulnerable as it is with women, so they don’t have to worry about it as much. In fact, a lot of men tend to lose interest in a woman if she gives it up too quickly. So knowing this, most women I know tend to put a lot of emphasis on waiting to have sex if they truly want a long term relationship.

So, therein lies the predicament. How is one to gauge when it is appropriate to sleep with someone and how can one stop it from happening? Because we all know that once the making out starts it’s damn near impossible to stop it from escalating, especially if there is alcohol involved.

Here are some easy ways you can avoid the whole mess until you are ready:

1. Don’t drink alcohol after the first date. (I don’t know about you, but that is not realistic for me.)

2. Don’t go to either of your places. (And keep making out in the car? That’s awkward after one time.)

3. Make it a day date! (FRIEND ZONE.)

4. Be on your period. (Haha, ew.)

5. Tell him you are just not ready yet. (You can get away with that for one night. After that, you start seeming like a tease if you are continuing to escalate the making out/foreplay.)

Inevitably for me I usually end up back at the guy’s place after the 2nd/3rd date. And almost always the scene goes something like this:

*Hand up my skirt*

“Stop,” I say. (Btw, STOP usually means a yellow light to most guys and most girls usually intend for it to be taken that way.)

*Unhook the bra*

*Try to take off my shirt*

“Stop.”

At this point I will usually stop whatever we are doing to cool out for a minute. But it will just start up again 5 minutes later.

“Okay, I’m gonna go now.”

“Stay. I won’t try to have sex with you,” he says, lying though his teeth.

“Okay,” I say, naively, sometimes actually believing it.

*Get into the bed*

*Start making out again*

*Hands roam everywhere*

*Sex*

END SCENE

“Well gee, Lover Lo, why the hell would you sleep over in his bed if you weren’t planning on having sex?” You ask. That’s a perfectly legitimate question, which is why I usually end up putting out.

That’s why this is such a challenge. Because we want it just as much as the guy wants it. We have to keep dodging and dancing around until we just can’t take it anymore, and sometimes that can only last until the end of the night of the first date!

Most guys will tell you that how fast you sleep with them has little to no bearing on whether or not the relationship will have longevity. My brother is engaged to a girl he met in a bar and slept with that same night. But more often than not men like a challenge, so I am under the impression that we should be more willing to give them that.

Here’s to hoping that I can test this out with the next guy. I don’t know how long I will make him wait or how I will be able to pull off not progressing to the bedroom too quick, but I’m still single after 6 years, so I am willing to try.

 

xx,

 

Lover Lo