The Curse of The Un-Available Man

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Let me just go ahead and preface this by saying, I am HAMMERED. I had 4 glasses of wine and 2 shots of fireball tonight. The fireball I did at a gay bar so it was totally acceptable, OKAY?

Now that THAT is out of the wayyyyyy, um wtf?

I am a little tiny bitty bit in love with this guy. Which would be awesome if it weren’t for the fact that he is TWENTY FOUR and has a girlfriend. Just to remind all of you, I am THIRTY. Like 3-0. Like way too old to even consider dating this dude, especially because he is a baby. His BODYYYYY though you guys???? I mean, 12 pack central. I want to rub my face into his stomach all day long. But I can’t. Because he is taken. And again, 24.

But this is NOT my fault. FIRST of all, he has been texting me like crazy….and who doesn’t love to have late night text conversations, especially with someone that makes their heart go a flutter? Don’t get me wrong, I’m keeping my emotions in check, but G D if I don’t want to sex him up Color Me Bad style.

Let me explain…I did not ask for this AT ALL. He joined my acting class about a year and a half ago and stayed for a little under a year. I was in that class for 4 years and stayed for about 6 months after he left. I never once considered him to be an option romantically. I thought he was for sure cute, but was so much more into other people at that time that I hardly noticed. And he had a girlfriend from back home in Utah that he was apparently SO in love with. They posted all of their lovey shit on social media all day long.

Fast forward to about a couple months ago. I was DEEP into my drama with Boyband and was barely a functioning human when it came to other men and cute boys. I had blinders on. But he would show up randomly to karaoke sometimes and we would chat and say hey and what are you up to and blah blah….

And then one day he came and something was different. I was attracted, he was attracted, we both felt it. I was pretty buzzed and asked him if he wanted to come watch a basketball game with me and some other friends later in the week and he agreed. We were there at this bar with like 8 other people and yet we couldn’t stop talking to each other. We just hit it off in every way and it was easy and fun and cool.

And THEN one day we were just jokey texting all night and it suddenly started to turn serious. We talked about his girlfriend and their status and he told me secrets about how he wanted to jump my bones. (Insert emoji of the smiley face with all the teeth showing.)

I have no idea what’s going on. I DO NOT want to be a home wrecker and I sure as hell don’t want to be the “other woman”. But I can just feeeeeel the attraction between us SO hard and he’s so my type and….

I know. He has a girlfriend. What can I do? I’M the one who gets hurt in this situation. Because we are currently having an emotional relationship, but he and his girlfriend have that and then some. He has the physical attachment, which I could never compete with, even if we started fucking like rabbits starting tonight. SO, I lose and I need to cut this out.

But I can’t. And what is with this luck anyhow???? The one guy that I am attracted to in FOREVER since Boyband fucked my life up and he is forbidden fruit. What are the odds? And ALSO, can I point out, that he is putting more effort into this “relafriendshipromance” than any dude I have ever dated. WTF?

Maybe the problem is that I am attracted to unavailable men? I mean the last two pseudo-relationships I’ve had were with emotionally stunted dudes, and I’ve ALWAYS been into guys with girlfriends. I chalked it up to being cool with seeing a dude that could commit, but I think it’s more like it’s safe and so there is no risk.

All I know is that I need to take my feelings elsewhere unless I want to get hurt again. There is no way I win in this situation……right????

While we are on this subject, why is every guy in LA suddenly twenty fucking four years old??! I swear every dude I meet is in his early-mid twenties. Or are those the only available guys left? All I know is that I’ve been notorious for dating men that are significantly older than me, and that hasn’t worked out so well, so maybe it’s time for a change. I feel like younger men at least put in more effort. They haven’t been burned and jaded to the point of dead feelings yet.

I need to keep my distance, I know, but the attention I’m getting right now is at least nice.

I’ll keep you updated….

 

xx

Cleansing All the Bad Before Dirty 30

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I’ve decided to take charge of my health after a 5 day bender while my brother was in town and start a cleanse. It’s SO LA I know, but this is different than the master cleanse or a juice cleanse. It’s, in fact, way worse. Yesterday I felt like I was going to die. It’s no sugar, starches, dairy, wheat, alcohol, or caffeine. In other words, torture. I’m doing it because I’m trying to get my stomach/digestion back on track, which has been infected with Candida (bad stomach bacteria) for years. It’s going to be a long road, but hopefully it will be worth it in the end.

Since I can’t have alcohol and picking out something I can actually eat at a restaurant seems like such a pain in the ass, I’ve also decided to cleanse from dating and men. I just don’t have the energy right now. I’m not bitter (yet), I’m just finding it difficult to muster up any kind of hope right now. While I was 23 and working at a restaurant in Chicago I told this jerk-off how in love I was with my current boyfriend and his reply was, “I give it 2 years.” I was LIVID with him at the time, obviously, but now I know what he’s saying. What’s the point? It’s all going to end anyway! We can’t have relationships like our Baby Boomer parents have. My generation has too many “countless ideas and splendid plans”* to just settle and live a quiet life and grow old together. Or maybe that’s just LA? Who the hell knows. Either way, I’m just tired of disappointment and I don’t want to pretend that dating is fun anymore. And it mos def WON’T be fun if I can’t drink. And if one more person tells me to try online dating I’m going to kick them in the teeth.

But I digress.

On a more positive note, I really just don’t have time for people who aren’t awesome because I’m totally awesome and I deserve only the best. And so do you. We all do. So, as my 30th birthday approaches in 21 days I want to tell you all that the most important lesson I’ve learned in my mid-late 20’s is that if someone is not supporting you or inspiring you to be your best self, if they are negative or sucking your energy, or if they take more then they give, GET RID OF THEM. I know that sounds super harsh, but this is only a decision that you will come to when you are ready and you will know when that is. I kept around a lot of friends and acquaintances throughout my 20’s that were unhealthy to me for way longer than I should have. If meeting up with your friend sounds like a drag, GET RID OF THEM. If hanging out at a bar with your friend sucks your energy, PHASE THEM OUT. If a guy is not manning up and realizing what he has when he has you, then BYE! Move on.

I broke up with my best friend of 4 years this year after a long spiral of negativity and toxicity and control and I haven’t even missed her. My life is so much more positive and nourishing without her in it. It wasn’t always that bad. We had a lot of good times and fun memories and became very close. But once it gets to that bad place there’s really no going back. She was never supportive of my career and treated me more like a daughter whom she could manipulate than a friend. The thought of not having a best friend anymore scared me because I literally talked to her everyday about everything. But once she was cleansed from my system I had never felt better.

I now have a really great bff who is everything my last bff wasn’t. And being friends with her has made me realize that what you put up with, you really do end up with. I’m so lucky to have this girl in my life who is nothing but supportive, thoughtful, loyal, and fun. It took me getting rid of the toxic relationship to make room for the new one. I’m hopeful that the same will happen in my romantic life too. Some guy I’m friends with on Facebook posted a quote with an unknown author that says, “You want to come into my life, the door is open. You want to get out of my life, the door is open. Don’t stand at the door, you’re blocking the traffic.” I would rather have just a small handful of really great people in my life then have a lot of acquaintances and half-assed relationships.

I also decided to take charge of my “friends with benefits” relationship and tell him that I wanted to take it to the next level or move on. He decided he wasn’t ready for a relationship so I said good riddance. Now, it took a couple of tries for me to end it completely, but at least I had the courage to put myself out there and tell him how I felt and be real. Which is more than I can say for him. And I deserve to be with someone who isn’t afraid to communicate their heart to me. If I have to wait another 5 and 1-2 years to get that (please God, no) then I will do it. My time is too precious to be wasted on someone who isn’t ready to commit.

Your 20’s really are for figuring yourself out and making mistakes. And boy have I made a lot of them. But I know that your 30’s are when you apply what you’ve learned, live life to the fullest, and reach your full potential and best self. At least that’s what I’m anticipating. And you can’t do that when you have a lot of dead weight attached to you. Mark Manson wrote in his blog post entitled, “10 Life Lessons to Excel in Your 30s” that “life is too short to tolerate people. Only surround yourself with the best in love and friendships”, which sums up my point perfectly. I don’t want anything toxic in my body or my life distracting me from what I moved halfway across the country to achieve.

So, I would like to say “Bye Felicia!” to bad bacteria, bad boys, and bad friends and start 30 off with a bang and a clean slate. Because I’m worth it. (Thanks, Loreal. Good slogan.)

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go back to nursing my sugar withdrawal headache.

xx

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*from a quote by Goethe

Friends With Benefits

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Friends with benefits sounds like the most amazing idea ever, in theory. You get to have sexy time with someone you already know and like on the reg and you don’t have to deal with any of the relationship b.s. that normal couples face. You can focus on yourself and your career and when you go out with your girlfriends you can meet up with the FWB and have amazing, sloppy sex at the end of the night and not even have to stay over and spoon with a hot, sweaty body (unless you want to, of course, which is your choice!) AMAZING! SIGN ME UP! 

But if you think you can make that kind of a relationship work for the long-term, then you are either fooling yourself or you’re a robot. Because inevitably feelings are going to get involved and it’s very rare that it’s going to end well. Most of us are not sex addicts or animals and consistent intimacy with someone is bound to do weird things to your heart and brain. In the best case scenario (which never happens, trust) you will end up in a serious relationship, but in my experience that usually involves a breakup first. Because how else can this evolve? One will try to define it and the other one will freak out because they liked the way things were going, so quit trying to label it, they’ll say. The former will feel insecure and start acting out and playing games and cause more fighting until you’re both left empty and exhausted. 

Being stuck in that “grey area” purgatory is enough to drive even the most sane person absolutely fucking nuts. Even if you feel like you will never develop an attachment, you will. Even if you feel like you won’t care if they turn you down to hang out because they have plans already, you will. Even if you think you will be fine if he/she doesn’t answer your text within 24 hours, you won’t.  

I’ve had many experiences with this kind of a relationship and it’s emotionally draining and miserable. You’re stuck in a soul sucking vortex where you check your lover’s social media every hour and try to will them to text you all the while failing to concentrate on your tasks for the day. You feel so lucky and slightly fulfilled if you even get one interaction a week. You think that when they compliment your hair or give you a ride somewhere that it’s THE NICEST THING EVER! But then you don’t hear from him/her for 4 days and it sends you into a anxious spiral where you do nothing but listen to Adele and drink wine to calm down and numb the hurt. And suddenly you feel like you might actually have serious emotional problems and you start googling cheap therapists. But I am here to tell YOU and MYSELF that you are not crazy and you deserve SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT. 

I’d like to think that the real man or woman that you’re meant to be with will not require so much work, especially emotionally. For whatever reason that person is not for you or the timing is off or they haven’t gotten over their ex yet, blah blah blah. Maybe you are the person that doesn’t want to take it to the next level for those reasons. But for the love of god, then be alone and stop dragging other people through your shit. 

What’s even worse about this kind of circumstance is that maybe you didn’t even find that person very attractive or like them that much to begin with and suddenly everything they do and say is adorable and sexy because your hormones and oxytocin tricked you.

If you want to have a bunch of sex, fine. Do it with different people who aren’t close friends and make sure they know the parameters ahead of time. Or better yet, date someone and see if you like them first and then have some sex. If it doesn’t work out, then end it. Don’t keep getting physical. I have made this mistake so many times, so learn from me! 

If you’ve managed to make a friends with benefits relationship work, develop into something more, or end nicely then kudos to you. But you are most definitely an exception and obviously lying. Just kidding. I’d love to hear about your experience. 

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get going on my Monday night single girl routine of Netflix and vegan food.

xx