The Curse of The Un-Available Man


Let me just go ahead and preface this by saying, I am HAMMERED. I had 4 glasses of wine and 2 shots of fireball tonight. The fireball I did at a gay bar so it was totally acceptable, OKAY?

Now that THAT is out of the wayyyyyy, um wtf?

I am a little tiny bitty bit in love with this guy. Which would be awesome if it weren’t for the fact that he is TWENTY FOUR and has a girlfriend. Just to remind all of you, I am THIRTY. Like 3-0. Like way too old to even consider dating this dude, especially because he is a baby. His BODYYYYY though you guys???? I mean, 12 pack central. I want to rub my face into his stomach all day long. But I can’t. Because he is taken. And again, 24.

But this is NOT my fault. FIRST of all, he has been texting me like crazy….and who doesn’t love to have late night text conversations, especially with someone that makes their heart go a flutter? Don’t get me wrong, I’m keeping my emotions in check, but G D if I don’t want to sex him up Color Me Bad style.

Let me explain…I did not ask for this AT ALL. He joined my acting class about a year and a half ago and stayed for a little under a year. I was in that class for 4 years and stayed for about 6 months after he left. I never once considered him to be an option romantically. I thought he was for sure cute, but was so much more into other people at that time that I hardly noticed. And he had a girlfriend from back home in Utah that he was apparently SO in love with. They posted all of their lovey shit on social media all day long.

Fast forward to about a couple months ago. I was DEEP into my drama with Boyband and was barely a functioning human when it came to other men and cute boys. I had blinders on. But he would show up randomly to karaoke sometimes and we would chat and say hey and what are you up to and blah blah….

And then one day he came and something was different. I was attracted, he was attracted, we both felt it. I was pretty buzzed and asked him if he wanted to come watch a basketball game with me and some other friends later in the week and he agreed. We were there at this bar with like 8 other people and yet we couldn’t stop talking to each other. We just hit it off in every way and it was easy and fun and cool.

And THEN one day we were just jokey texting all night and it suddenly started to turn serious. We talked about his girlfriend and their status and he told me secrets about how he wanted to jump my bones. (Insert emoji of the smiley face with all the teeth showing.)

I have no idea what’s going on. I DO NOT want to be a home wrecker and I sure as hell don’t want to be the “other woman”. But I can just feeeeeel the attraction between us SO hard and he’s so my type and….

I know. He has a girlfriend. What can I do? I’M the one who gets hurt in this situation. Because we are currently having an emotional relationship, but he and his girlfriend have that and then some. He has the physical attachment, which I could never compete with, even if we started fucking like rabbits starting tonight. SO, I lose and I need to cut this out.

But I can’t. And what is with this luck anyhow???? The one guy that I am attracted to in FOREVER since Boyband fucked my life up and he is forbidden fruit. What are the odds? And ALSO, can I point out, that he is putting more effort into this “relafriendshipromance” than any dude I have ever dated. WTF?

Maybe the problem is that I am attracted to unavailable men? I mean the last two pseudo-relationships I’ve had were with emotionally stunted dudes, and I’ve ALWAYS been into guys with girlfriends. I chalked it up to being cool with seeing a dude that could commit, but I think it’s more like it’s safe and so there is no risk.

All I know is that I need to take my feelings elsewhere unless I want to get hurt again. There is no way I win in this situation……right????

While we are on this subject, why is every guy in LA suddenly twenty fucking four years old??! I swear every dude I meet is in his early-mid twenties. Or are those the only available guys left? All I know is that I’ve been notorious for dating men that are significantly older than me, and that hasn’t worked out so well, so maybe it’s time for a change. I feel like younger men at least put in more effort. They haven’t been burned and jaded to the point of dead feelings yet.

I need to keep my distance, I know, but the attention I’m getting right now is at least nice.

I’ll keep you updated….



Attract the Love You Deserve


I’m preparing to move in 2 days and currently in the midst of purging almost 5 years worth of junk and memories. I was in my walk-in closet and I found a box that I hadn’t touched in years. It was a bunch of pictures, notes, and cards from my ex-boyfriend. This guy was my first love whom I lost my virginity to and thought I was going to marry. He is also the only really long term relationship (3 years) I’ve ever had.

It took me back to a time when everything was fun and carefree and love was easy. I fell hard and fast and have never felt so secure and taken care of in my life. And it got me thinking: this is what it’s supposed to be like. All those bullshit guys who I thought I wanted to be with and who I thought cared about me didn’t. Not really. First loves and being young makes everything easier because it isn’t complicated by the crap that heartbreak and cynicism does to the mind and heart, but when it’s right it’s effortless and awesome.

I’m waiting for that legit love to come around again, but how long do I have to wait? Is almost 6 years not enough?! Have I not learned what I need to learn? Do I not love myself enough to get what I deserve? I don’t fucking know. But what I do know is that being single for a very long time does some really weird shit to your self-esteem. Like, I feel completely worthless and unvalidated. Which is extreme and sounds very depressing, but when you go through a bunch of dead end hook-ups, friends with benefits situations, and failed courtships it’s kind of impossible not to think those things. I know my family loves me and I have really great girlfriends and roommates, but they won’t hold me when I cry or help me move. They aren’t there everyday to hear about my hopes and dreams for the day, week, and year. They feel a burden instead of an obligation when I ask for a ride to the airport. It’s fucking sad. I don’t need a man to make me happy, and yet I know that I would feel so much more fulfilled if I had one.

The episode of “Girls” this past Sunday really hit me hard. Not only am I a “Marnie” in life, but I empathize with her fully in this season. She is feeling confused and sad about her romantic life and it makes her question herself and her worth. I started crying when Adam’s hot musician friend asked her about her voice and her music. She said her voice was “shrill” and that her music was just “whatever”. He told her that she is wrong and that she shouldn’t have that kind of negative attitude. It was so profound to me how we allow men and failed relationships determine how we think about ourselves.

You are WORTHY of love and you should only accept the best and wait for the person who wants to give and receive that love. When we accept less than that is when we feel lonely and unworthy. You have to get rid of the bad to make room for the good and be open to that ONE who will have the staying power in your life. My acting teacher, Diana Castle (who is AMAZING), always says this quote (and I can’t remember who it’s originally attributed to): “Those who look for love will only find their own lovelessness.” This can mean many different things but in my interpretation it means that we have be patient and not afraid and be the LOVE we wish to receive. If I am coming from lack, I will look to someone to fill me up instead of looking for the one who will ADD to my life.

P.s. I’ve been drinking copious amounts of wine tonight because packing for a move is such a bitch. So I hope this makes sense. 🙂

Be grateful and love yourself and you will attract the kind of love you want and deserve.