Emotional Detachment

I’ve been working a lot lately on detachment and not allowing myself to be ruled by my emotions. I hate letting other people have so much power over me and how I’m feeling at any given time. What other people say and do says so much about them and says practically nothing about me, so why would I let it affect me so deeply?

The other night I was at a bar with a friend whom I’ve had a very complicated relationship with. She assumed I was going to watch her dog while she was away on vacation and when I said I didn’t want to do it (because she wanted me to stay at her place in the deep valley, which is 45 minutes away from my work, friends, and life) she called me a “selfish asshole.”

I’ve never watched her dog in the history of our years long friendship so I had no idea why she assumed I would suddenly be up for the job. Not only that, but to stay 45 minutes out of my way for free was a tall order to ask of anyone. So I had no idea why she reacted that way. It definitely received a, “woah” response out of me, but it ended there. I didn’t let it affect me and I continued on drinking with her for a couple more hours.

I was really proud of myself for having let that comment slide so effortlessly when in the past I would’ve responded much more angrily and I probably would’ve changed my whole attitude for the rest of the night. But I just brushed it off and let it go.

I know my friend wouldn’t want me to say yes to that favor just to ease her stress and yet feel resentful and angry for being made to stay out so far away from my apartment. And I didn’t want to agree to something that would make me feel unhappy just because my friend wanted to save a couple bucks.

So I learned a double lesson in that moment. When you ask someone for a favor, you should never tie any expectations to the response. And when you disappoint someone and they call you a name, remember that it says so much more about them than it does about you.

However, after I had patted myself on the back several times for that interaction I wondered how I could translate that to my romantic relationship. In friendships it’s so much easier to feel less attached to outcomes because you aren’t intimately involved with those people. Detachment tends to become a much bigger challenge when you are opening your heart so fully to someone spiritually, emotionally, sexually, mentally, and physically.

I started to wonder if it could be possible to interact with my boyfriend in the same way I had interacted with my friend. Could I have zero expectation when I ask him to do things? If I want to hang out with him and I ask to see if he’s free and he says no, sometimes it sends me into a deep spiral of fear and distress. Partly from past stuff and partly because I allow the fact that he isn’t available to suggest that I’m not a priority because he isn’t ready to drop everything for me like I usually am for him.

And as I type it here now it seems so pathetic and sad. When he is out of town for work and he doesn’t have the opportunity to say no to me I am happy as a lark. So in essence what I’m upset about is the fact that my boyfriend doesn’t do everything that I say and want whenever I say that I want it. My desire to control him and his actions is terrifying and will do nothing but upset me every time.

Sometimes there are larger things that I ask of him, such as coming home with me for Christmas, that when he says no make me think that he doesn’t value our relationship or see a future. I mean, can’t he just sacrifice a couple fucking days simply to make me happy? But see what the problem is here? I’m allowing his actions to either make me happy or not happy. What will happen if I go home to see my family and I’m by myself? I’ll have an absolute blast playing 19 rounds of card games with my brothers and sisters in law. Would I miss and feel his absence? Definitely. But I don’t have to allow his non-presence there affect the entire relationship or suggest that he isn’t invested in me.

And the danger of implying those things is that he will want to get further and further away from me. Because he feels as though he is walking on eggshells and that everything he says and does affects my happiness. That is too much pressure for anyone to handle and the only natural thing to do is to pull away as to not constantly give someone so much disappointment caused by you and only you.

It’s not a change that will happen overnight but it’s one that I’m willing and ready to accept and work on. I alone am responsible for how I feel. I can blame it on him all I want but the only thing I can change is myself. So if I am committed to him and this relationship, which I am, then I need to zen the fuck out and be happy regardless of his actions.

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It’s The Time Of The Season For Loving

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Subtle, but detectable shifts happen when you come to a place where you are whole and happy and ready for a relationship.

You thought you were ready in the past but through reflection realize that you were desperate or needy and wanted a relationship to make you feel whole. You thought in your subconscious mind, “if only I had a relationship, then I would be truly happy.” You got angry at people who failed your expectations. You scowled at the couple at the bar looking lovingly into each others eyes and thought, “why don’t I get to have that?” You felt as though you deserved a man or woman and that you were being punished somehow by not having them.

But then suddenly you wake up one morning and you don’t feel empty. You don’t feel as though you need to seek for anyone’s attention. You are self-assured and excited about all that life has to offer. The sky looks SO blue! The weather is absolutely perfect! You start seeing your friends in a whole new light!

Everyone is beautiful. Everyone has an interesting story to tell and you just can’t wait to sit and listen. That person who used to get under your skin suddenly becomes a teacher to you. What can you learn from their agitating behavior?

You want to do things for people without getting anything in return. You want to send gifts just because and write nice things on someone’s social media to make them smile. Nothing is a competition. You aren’t keeping score.

Everything becomes an opportunity. You don’t feel as though you are hopeless in your chosen career. You have a rediscovered energy and passion for what you do. You are hungry to make changes and progress.

Babies become cute instead of annoying.

Puppies light up your face like a child.

The smallest act of kindness fills your eyes with tears.

That painting on the wall is beautiful.

Life is amazing and every experience you have makes you feel so grateful.

Joy shoots out of your eyeballs and it affects everyone around you.

Music touches your soul.

Movies expand your mind.

Books enrich your brain.

This is the attitude of someone who is in love with life. In love with themselves. A loving being who is ready to give and receive love to everyone. This kind of loving person attracts love into their lives.

It’s crazy to actually be in this position myself and be able to articulate it. To know that I’m ready. Like, actually ready. Before when I would complain to my girlfriend that, “I’ve been dating for 15 years, I’m exhausted, where is he?!” I think she probably knew deep down that I was so far from ready. Being ready means that I haven’t once complained about being single, wished that I had a boyfriend, allowed failed expectations from someone send me into a tailspin in a very long time. (Well, long for me.) It’s such an amazing feeling.

Nobody fails my expectations anymore because I don’t even have them. I’m focused on myself and my work and putting energy into my friendships. But it wasn’t even something I did knowingly. I came to this realization over the weekend because I was in a constant state of euphoria (on PMS week no less!!!) with everything going on around me. When something great happened I was STOKED!! When something not so great happened I didn’t even flinch. I didn’t take it personally and I surely didn’t let it affect my mood.

I started thinking about the last couple months and how that has been my attitude across the board…what a difference some time makes. All I have to do is look back at earlier blog posts and see how angry and hurt and negative I used to be. Now, it’s all sunshine and rainbows. I feel like a hippie co-ed in the 70’s with an amazing marijuana buzz.

This is how one HAS to enter into a healthy relationship if they want something special and real and true. This is how I’ve always been before entering into relationships in the past. A person is meant to add to your life, not complete it. If you’re sad or broken how can you offer anyone else true and full love? Only when your heart is exploding with LOVE DYNAMITE can you give and receive in a real way. It’s a fucking amazing thing and I can’t stop smiling and feeling awesome.

Of COURSE I don’t feel 100% joyous at all times of every day, but the feelings of positivity overwhelmingly outnumber the feelings and thoughts of negativity. I still snap sometimes at my incapable manager and scream “what the fuck!?” at the guy who cut me off in traffic, but you get the idea. 🙂

I will say, however, the one thing that is scary about this state of being is that literally everyone starts to fall in love with you. I’ve felt a couple guy friends of mine suddenly look at me with new eyes. Telling me my hair smells good and that I look beautiful. Suddenly considering me as an option. It makes me a little nervous, yet ridiculously excited at the same time. It’s better to have way too many people falling for you then none at all!

If you’re not there yet, don’t worry. It will happen for you in due time. It will sneak up on you when you least expect it. Everyone has to go through the dark, bad times to truly appreciate the good. Life ebbs and flows and you change and grow along with it. You just do you. 🙂

xx

Lover Lo

I Do Not Envy Your Shitty Relationship

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This is a conversation one of my good friends had with me last night:

“You need to get out more. You should join a rec league.” (NOPE. This makes me want to vomit in my mouth more than I can even explain. And I am a former ATHLETE too!)

“Are you serious? I am out more than a 21 year old college student.” -Me

“Well why don’t you get on Tinder then?”

“Why in the ever loving fuck would I do that?” -Me

“To just chit chat.”

“Why in the ever loving fuck would I just want to chit chat with STRANGERS?!”

By the way, this conversation wasn’t the least bit provoked by me. I was lamenting the fact that I needed to move on from Boyband, but was in no way asking for advice on how to get dates or find new men. I find plenty of men, without the help of Tinder or rec leagues thank you very much, I’m just being patient and waiting for when it’s right. I wish I could get under someone else in order to get over Boyband but I also know that I get easily emotionally attached by being physically intimate, so it would only transfer my pain onto someone new. Not smart.

Anyway, after this conversation my friend revealed to me that her boyfriend of a year and a half and her hadn’t been having sex. She said they were lucky to get it in once or twice a MONTH. AND he is a bit older than her and has no plans to have children, which has been a goal of hers for forever. She knows there is an expiration date and yet continues to waste her best years on him. 😦

I have another friend who hadn’t had sex with her boyfriend in almost a YEAR until the dry spell was broken by a threesome recently. WHAT THE F. My other friends and I are completely baffled by this. The conclusions we have drawn are that the boyfriend is either gay or addicted to porn.

I have another friend who is super recently separated from her husband after about a year of being unhappy. She married at 23 (way too young, please don’t ever do that) to a man almost 20 years her senior and British, which was doomed from the start. At 23 you are going to be going through A LOT of changes and at 40 you are pretty much done changing and stuck in your ways. He was very controlling and had addiction issues which led to a lot of mental and emotional abuse for her.

I have another friend who is recently separated from her husband because it had been revealed that he was a full blown sex addict who was a member of multiple fetish websites and online dating sites and could be found trolling Craigslist for blow jobs from strangers on the regular WHILE MARRIED. This is especially upsetting because I was under the impression that this was the absolute perfect couple whose relationship I aspired to have. From the outside it seemed like a fairytale. And it was, until the rug was ripped out from under my poor friend.

I have another (former) friend whose husband married her for a green card unbeknownst to her (it’s amazing how drunk and manipulated we get on love sometimes) and was also revealed to be a porn and sex addict.

I was at a birthday party recently for a friend and was feeling a little lonely because all of the girls who were there who I thought were single suddenly had dates to bring to the party. They chatted away intimately with their dates or in little groups of foursomes while I preceded to get hammered off of Fireball shots and tried to figure out how to stream the Pacers/Heat game on my phone. (I grew up with four brothers, leave me alone.)

A couple days after the party my friend Lisa told me that our friend Annie and her date had already broken it off because he had trouble getting it up. She said that she believed Annie had tried to turn a friendship into something more but that it failed because there was no chemistry or sexual attraction.

My point is that a relationship doesn’t always equal happiness. And from the outside any relationship could present something completely opposite to what goes on behind closed doors. I choose to be single and wait for what will hopefully be an amazing partnership rather than latch onto something that is wrong or flawed from the beginning. I am mindful of red flags and know myself enough to know whose personality would clash with mine and who I have no chemistry with. I’m not saying I am better or smarter than my friends, but I do think that when it comes to relationships, being picky is a valuable asset to have.

Some relationships of course start off amazing and then tank as it goes on. That’s the risk you take when you choose to make that leap. And most of the time the rewards outweigh the risks. You just have to be cautious.

But watching all of my friends go through this and then dole out relationship advice to me is quite humorous to say the least. It’s almost like it’s what they wish they were doing instead of being stuck in a shitty relationship. Because most of the time it doesn’t even have anything to do with me and what my life is really like. I appreciate their efforts to help me not BE SAD AND SINGLE YOU POOR THING!, but maybe they should focus on fixing their own relationship.

No relationship is perfect and everyone probably has a thing or two that they need to work on even in super happy relationships, but currently I am beyond thrilled that I don’t have to be expending that effort. It feels really good to come home from work late at night and put on sweatpants and watch Chelsea Lately and eat peanut butter straight from the jar instead of sadly trying to figure out why my man has a limp dick and no sex drive. I would take being single over being in a bad or wrong relationship a million times over.

Those stupid girls who are always in a relationship aren’t more attractive or desirable than you. They are just dependent and unable to be happy on their own. There are 27 guys who I could’ve laughed and charmed my way into being with this year, but instead I choose to hold out. This way I can wait for what I deserve and learn as much as possible about myself and bring a whole, awesome being to a mature and real relationship.

I really hope all of my friends can find healing and happiness and/or be strong enough to leave a relationship that’s not right. It’s really hard as a woman to go through life on your own and be self-sufficient. And it’s super hard to find people who are ready and committed to having a healthy relationship here in LA, but it is possible. All it takes is a dash of hope, a whole and healthy mind, an open heart, and a lot of patience. 🙂

 

xx

For Anyone Who Needs to Hear This Right Now…

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One good thing about being a highly sensitive person is that you have a lot of empathy for other people. You can relate to almost anyone because you can easily put yourself in their shoes and see the situation from their perspective. It’s a must have for actors and something that I wish more politicians and YouTube commenters possessed. 

A lot of my friends are going through a really hard time right now. Two of my closest friends are dealing with heart-wrenching break-ups and another friend is at a memorial service for his father today. I feel their pain in the depths of my body and wish that I could make it go away for them. I know what that’s like and the only thing I can do is be a good listener and give the best advice that I can muster. 

If you are in emotional pain right now the best thing that you can do is take care of yourself. Get out into the world and do things that make you happy. If you sit alone and you’re anything like me, you will get overwhelmed by the thoughts consuming your brain, so make sure you stay occupied. There is nothing worse than feeling the weight of sadness all day.

In times of anguish make sure you do any/all of these things:

1. Surround yourself with good, close friends.

2. Lay out in the sunshine (especially if you live in SoCal like me. Do this everyday.)

3. Drink adult beverages (moderately of course. You can’t numb the pain forever but you can quiet your brain for the night.)

4. Play with dogs. Especially puppies. 

5. Get a mani/pedi. (Guys, you can get pedicures too! And you should.)

6. Get a massage.

7. Read outside in the park. Anything light and/or entertaining. 

8. Purchase the most amazing latte and savor each sip.

9. Buy yourself flowers.

10. Hang out with a baby. (One that doesn’t have colic)

11. BBQ with some bro friends.

12. Do yoga, hike, dance, or whatever other physical activity you like.

13. Play music (if you can).

14. Get all done up and post the most amazing selfie on Instagram. (Make sure you are facing an open window to insure the best lighting results.)

15. Write. Blog. Diary. Just write. 

16. Smile. (This instantly brightens the mood. When I’m sad and I want to cry, smiling always takes the urge away.)

17. Find a project to do on Pinterest for your apartment/house.

18. RETAIL. THERAPY.

19. Actual therapy.

20. Eat Ben and Jerry’s Ice cream. (If you are lactose intolerant like me, they have some bitchin coconut milk alternatives at health food stores.)

I was reading an article the other day and it said that whenever you are feeling sad or lonely just remember that there are at least 5 people that love you that you know about and probably another 2 or 3 that love you and you just don’t know it. But also remember that the only love you ever really need is self-love. It’s so important. And the only way to love yourself is to treat yourself kindly and with respect. 

Focus on gratitude. 

You will be okay. 

xx

If you’re still not convinced, here is a picture of a bunny in a backpack. 

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Cleansing All the Bad Before Dirty 30

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I’ve decided to take charge of my health after a 5 day bender while my brother was in town and start a cleanse. It’s SO LA I know, but this is different than the master cleanse or a juice cleanse. It’s, in fact, way worse. Yesterday I felt like I was going to die. It’s no sugar, starches, dairy, wheat, alcohol, or caffeine. In other words, torture. I’m doing it because I’m trying to get my stomach/digestion back on track, which has been infected with Candida (bad stomach bacteria) for years. It’s going to be a long road, but hopefully it will be worth it in the end.

Since I can’t have alcohol and picking out something I can actually eat at a restaurant seems like such a pain in the ass, I’ve also decided to cleanse from dating and men. I just don’t have the energy right now. I’m not bitter (yet), I’m just finding it difficult to muster up any kind of hope right now. While I was 23 and working at a restaurant in Chicago I told this jerk-off how in love I was with my current boyfriend and his reply was, “I give it 2 years.” I was LIVID with him at the time, obviously, but now I know what he’s saying. What’s the point? It’s all going to end anyway! We can’t have relationships like our Baby Boomer parents have. My generation has too many “countless ideas and splendid plans”* to just settle and live a quiet life and grow old together. Or maybe that’s just LA? Who the hell knows. Either way, I’m just tired of disappointment and I don’t want to pretend that dating is fun anymore. And it mos def WON’T be fun if I can’t drink. And if one more person tells me to try online dating I’m going to kick them in the teeth.

But I digress.

On a more positive note, I really just don’t have time for people who aren’t awesome because I’m totally awesome and I deserve only the best. And so do you. We all do. So, as my 30th birthday approaches in 21 days I want to tell you all that the most important lesson I’ve learned in my mid-late 20’s is that if someone is not supporting you or inspiring you to be your best self, if they are negative or sucking your energy, or if they take more then they give, GET RID OF THEM. I know that sounds super harsh, but this is only a decision that you will come to when you are ready and you will know when that is. I kept around a lot of friends and acquaintances throughout my 20’s that were unhealthy to me for way longer than I should have. If meeting up with your friend sounds like a drag, GET RID OF THEM. If hanging out at a bar with your friend sucks your energy, PHASE THEM OUT. If a guy is not manning up and realizing what he has when he has you, then BYE! Move on.

I broke up with my best friend of 4 years this year after a long spiral of negativity and toxicity and control and I haven’t even missed her. My life is so much more positive and nourishing without her in it. It wasn’t always that bad. We had a lot of good times and fun memories and became very close. But once it gets to that bad place there’s really no going back. She was never supportive of my career and treated me more like a daughter whom she could manipulate than a friend. The thought of not having a best friend anymore scared me because I literally talked to her everyday about everything. But once she was cleansed from my system I had never felt better.

I now have a really great bff who is everything my last bff wasn’t. And being friends with her has made me realize that what you put up with, you really do end up with. I’m so lucky to have this girl in my life who is nothing but supportive, thoughtful, loyal, and fun. It took me getting rid of the toxic relationship to make room for the new one. I’m hopeful that the same will happen in my romantic life too. Some guy I’m friends with on Facebook posted a quote with an unknown author that says, “You want to come into my life, the door is open. You want to get out of my life, the door is open. Don’t stand at the door, you’re blocking the traffic.” I would rather have just a small handful of really great people in my life then have a lot of acquaintances and half-assed relationships.

I also decided to take charge of my “friends with benefits” relationship and tell him that I wanted to take it to the next level or move on. He decided he wasn’t ready for a relationship so I said good riddance. Now, it took a couple of tries for me to end it completely, but at least I had the courage to put myself out there and tell him how I felt and be real. Which is more than I can say for him. And I deserve to be with someone who isn’t afraid to communicate their heart to me. If I have to wait another 5 and 1-2 years to get that (please God, no) then I will do it. My time is too precious to be wasted on someone who isn’t ready to commit.

Your 20’s really are for figuring yourself out and making mistakes. And boy have I made a lot of them. But I know that your 30’s are when you apply what you’ve learned, live life to the fullest, and reach your full potential and best self. At least that’s what I’m anticipating. And you can’t do that when you have a lot of dead weight attached to you. Mark Manson wrote in his blog post entitled, “10 Life Lessons to Excel in Your 30s” that “life is too short to tolerate people. Only surround yourself with the best in love and friendships”, which sums up my point perfectly. I don’t want anything toxic in my body or my life distracting me from what I moved halfway across the country to achieve.

So, I would like to say “Bye Felicia!” to bad bacteria, bad boys, and bad friends and start 30 off with a bang and a clean slate. Because I’m worth it. (Thanks, Loreal. Good slogan.)

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go back to nursing my sugar withdrawal headache.

xx

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*from a quote by Goethe