Letting Go Of The Past and Future to Make Your Present Perfect

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“Why do(es) anxiety, stress, or negativity arise? Because you turned away from the present moment. And why did you do that? You thought something else was more important. One small error, one misperception, creates a world of suffering.” -Eckhart Tolle

Eckhart Tolle is a spiritual teacher best known for his book, “The Power of Now”, which teaches the importance of living in the present moment and not fixating on past or future ideas. It is a very simple, and yet extremely powerful and transformational way to live. If you are stuck in past ideas you can experience (among other things) anguish, longing, regret, and disappointment. If you concern yourself constantly with the future you can experience fear, stress, anxiety, or doubt. But if you stay in the present moment and see things as facts that are ever changing, you can experience such freedom and happiness. 

I haven’t read his book yet, and all I have to really go off of are quotes of his and interviews with Oprah on YouTube. But already I feel so much lighter and more positive with everything in my life. By staying in the here and now I feel so much more gratitude for what is and not anger or fear about what isn’t.

This applies to my creative life, and more importantly, my love life. I’m always trippin’ out about being single and focusing on that fact instead of just being free and happy to live my life today in whatever way that I want and allow love to come into my life when the timing and the person is right.

D.H. Lawrence said, “Those that go searching for love only make manifest their own lovelessness, and the loveless never find love, only the loving find love, and they never have to seek for it.” 

It’s so refreshing to think that I can relinquish the control I’m trying to have over my own love life and just let it go! All of my concern and anticipation of the moment of finally getting my fairytale love story is leading me to think that then and only then will I experience peace and happiness. Tolle says, “People believe themselves to be dependent on what happens for their happiness.” And let me tell you, that is EXHAUSTING. I don’t want to be marred by that anymore.

Yes, I am definitely ready and open for a relationship. But it doesn’t have to be forced and it doesn’t have to be wrapped up in my impatience. I’m letting my ego get the best of me when if I just focused on the present and had gratitude for what I DO have I would be so much happier.

And don’t get me wrong, I am happy in so many ways in my life. But I do feel like having a special someone would just be a nice little added bonus to my already awesome existence. Maybe the fact that I’ve been so focused on it has prevented it from manifesting itself in my life. Who knows, but from today forward I’m excited by the idea of letting go of all of my future hang ups about it.

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My most recent ex lover (whom I’ve talked about before, whom we will refer to from here on out as “Boyband”) and I had a discussion/argument/talk/heart to heart last week about our current situation. We have a very long history together that has evolved from a friendship to a crush to a hook up situation to love and then to destruction and back to ??? again. It’s mentally and emotionally draining and we can never seem to figure out if we should be together or not.

Anyway, every time we have one of these talks he ends up mentioning his ex girlfriend. Apparently she was like me in so many ways even down to the fact that we have the same Astrological sign, which he puts WAY too much importance on. This girlfriend basically sucked the life and happiness out of him and they ended up hating each other. I can feel the bad energy from him every single time I do something that reminds him of her and it makes me self-conscious. 

He has to understand that we are different people and it’s not fair for him to constantly compare me to her, but he also needs to make peace with his past and stay in the present moment or else we have ZERO chance of success in OUR relationship.

It took me a really long time to realize that this was the main problem between us. During our talk last week he mentioned her and I said:

“Do you realize that I’ve NEVER spoken about my ex boyfriend to you? And yet I have to hear about your ex ALLLLL the time.”

And Boyband said:

“That’s because you didn’t learn anything from that relationship.”

I responded with:

“Yes I did. I learned that all men cheat.” (Which is a pretty true statement, but that’s a subject for a whole other blog post.)

After thinking about that exchange so many times I realized that the correct response from me should have been, “No, it’s because I’m not living in the past.” He has to reconcile in himself whatever happened with her or else there is no way in hell that he and I can move forward. I’m still not convinced that he and I can have a successful relationship anyway but our chances are at 0% if we can’t even get to the point of ENTERING the relationship. All I see in his eyes and in his words is this fear of repeating the past. I can’t compete with his ideas about the past and I can’t soothe his fears about the future. Either he will live in the present moment and take it for it is or we will never be together. 

It’s not all his fault though, of course. I’ve wondered before if my PRESSURE on him to make our union exclusive and committed hasn’t ruined it already. I was so eager to seal the deal to placate my insecurity that I came off looking a little desperate and controlling.  

He needs to let go of the past and I need to calm down about the future and maybe we can make our present perfect. 

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A lot of people struggle to deal with demons from their past, especially men in my opinion. When women are done with a relationship they usually have an easier time making room for someone else. But it takes men SO much time and effort to open their hearts to someone and express their feelings, especially after multiple breakups, that I wonder sometimes if they will always be damaged forever by that ONE or FIRST heartbreaker. 

Maybe our parents were the smart ones who married their first love right out of college. They don’t even KNOW love pain.

With every failed relationship our hearts feel chipped away at more and more. But it doesn’t HAVE to leave scars forever. Don’t make your current boyfriend or girlfriend pay for your past. With every new partner it’s a clean slate. A new experience. A chance to be your best self at the present moment. 

It’s about changing your mentality and the framing of your life and the lens at which you see things through and it isn’t going to happen overnight. But as my acting teacher always says, “if it doesn’t serve you, then don’t allow it to consume you”. Easier said then done, but knowing the freedom that present moment living brings is enough to get me to forever work on it. 

xx

Lover Lo

 

For Anyone Who Needs to Hear This Right Now…

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One good thing about being a highly sensitive person is that you have a lot of empathy for other people. You can relate to almost anyone because you can easily put yourself in their shoes and see the situation from their perspective. It’s a must have for actors and something that I wish more politicians and YouTube commenters possessed. 

A lot of my friends are going through a really hard time right now. Two of my closest friends are dealing with heart-wrenching break-ups and another friend is at a memorial service for his father today. I feel their pain in the depths of my body and wish that I could make it go away for them. I know what that’s like and the only thing I can do is be a good listener and give the best advice that I can muster. 

If you are in emotional pain right now the best thing that you can do is take care of yourself. Get out into the world and do things that make you happy. If you sit alone and you’re anything like me, you will get overwhelmed by the thoughts consuming your brain, so make sure you stay occupied. There is nothing worse than feeling the weight of sadness all day.

In times of anguish make sure you do any/all of these things:

1. Surround yourself with good, close friends.

2. Lay out in the sunshine (especially if you live in SoCal like me. Do this everyday.)

3. Drink adult beverages (moderately of course. You can’t numb the pain forever but you can quiet your brain for the night.)

4. Play with dogs. Especially puppies. 

5. Get a mani/pedi. (Guys, you can get pedicures too! And you should.)

6. Get a massage.

7. Read outside in the park. Anything light and/or entertaining. 

8. Purchase the most amazing latte and savor each sip.

9. Buy yourself flowers.

10. Hang out with a baby. (One that doesn’t have colic)

11. BBQ with some bro friends.

12. Do yoga, hike, dance, or whatever other physical activity you like.

13. Play music (if you can).

14. Get all done up and post the most amazing selfie on Instagram. (Make sure you are facing an open window to insure the best lighting results.)

15. Write. Blog. Diary. Just write. 

16. Smile. (This instantly brightens the mood. When I’m sad and I want to cry, smiling always takes the urge away.)

17. Find a project to do on Pinterest for your apartment/house.

18. RETAIL. THERAPY.

19. Actual therapy.

20. Eat Ben and Jerry’s Ice cream. (If you are lactose intolerant like me, they have some bitchin coconut milk alternatives at health food stores.)

I was reading an article the other day and it said that whenever you are feeling sad or lonely just remember that there are at least 5 people that love you that you know about and probably another 2 or 3 that love you and you just don’t know it. But also remember that the only love you ever really need is self-love. It’s so important. And the only way to love yourself is to treat yourself kindly and with respect. 

Focus on gratitude. 

You will be okay. 

xx

If you’re still not convinced, here is a picture of a bunny in a backpack. 

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Heartbreak For The Highly Sensitive Person

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I always used to wonder why I would be the only one in my family or friend group covering my eyes in a movie theatre during a super violent war type film or sobbing at the tear jerker ending in something as silly as a romantic comedy film. It was so embarrassing for me one time when I went to see “The Help” with my best friend a couple years ago and I was crying so hard that I was shaking my entire row of seats in a packed house theatre. I almost had to leave and compose myself in the bathroom, but I didn’t want to miss any of the movie. My friend looked over at me several times and laughed a little at my mascara smudged face and offered tissues from her purse. Her eyes were a bit misty, but she was nowhere near the level of my agony.

I had always been thought of as the “tough” girl who never cried and hardly showed emotion when I was younger. I prided myself on not letting little things get to me and never letting anyone see a vulnerable side to my personality. But a lot of people know, and I discovered, that the toughest ones are the ones who are covering up the most.

I wanted to keep up that tough as nails veneer for as long as possible but as an actor/artist, my deepest thoughts and feelings had to be unlocked in order to truly emulate other people and experience empathy. Through acting classes I was almost forced into getting to that place, lest I’d be known as a “bad actor” which I refused to accept. I let my guard down for the first time in my life and boy did I experience ALL THE THINGS. And once pandora’s box was opened, there was no going back. I can’t help but feel everything so deeply now. My own feelings and the feelings of others.

It’s nice to not be blocked emotionally but it’s also distracting to go through life feeling so affected by your environment. It didn’t feel normal until I discovered that I am a “highly sensitive person”. The personality trait “the highly sensitive person” (HSP) was made popular by Elaine N. Aron Ph.D in the 90’s. The characteristics, such as crying easily, being sensitive to smells, sounds, and light, and being emotionally reactive, describe me to an absolute T. I finally was able to identify why I have so many issues in my relationships with friends and lovers.

Fights with my friends or boyfriends can turn really nasty and hurtful because I only think from an emotional standpoint and not rationally. If they hurt me I want to hurt them even worse to experience what I’m feeling. When I get angry I get explosive and when I am hurt I am devastated. So when a relationship ends for me, I absorb a debilitating blow that affects me so much that sometimes I think I’m going to die of heartbreak.

I have been trying so hard for months to get over my most recent lover, who I felt I needed to cut out of my life because he couldn’t commit to me, to no avail. I have good days, but I also have really bad days where I can barely make it through without crying. And it got me thinking: out of the 3 times that I’ve been in love I have been an absolute mess of the most epic proportions after the breakup. More than most people seem to be. When I talk to other people about their breakups, they usually manage to speak rather objectively about it. I can’t even bear talking about my breakup because if I did, I would burst out into tears and make them uncomfortable and probably ruin their day. Sometimes I can’t even leave the house for fear of being made to talk about it but if I do, I make sure everyone knows to not ask me about it.

“IT.” The trauma that comes after lost love. What you tried to avoid but love made you do.

Everyone is different and every relationship is different, but for most people it probably takes a couple months to get over an ex-lover. For me, it takes sometimes years for me to come to terms. I just can’t stop intensely obsessing for so long. I care and I hurt and I cry more than the average person. It’s really not fair. And it’s no wonder that I’m so afraid of being open and vulnerable. If I do my heart will take a major beating when it inevitably ends. It makes me want to avoid it altogether. I have to be more careful who I open my heart to. I have to make sure they’re worth it and that they deserve me.

When I’ve had my heart broken I go through so many different stages of emotion. But it usually starts with depressive sadness to the point where I become a shell of a person. I have to read self help books to ease me through the process and to know that I’m not alone. Then it develops into anger and cynicism for life. And then it turns back to sadness and extreme attachment withdrawal. Finally it turns back to anger once more and throwing my body at someone else to help numb the pain. It’s awful.

Friends will tell me, “it’s time to move on” or “you need to be more open to other men” and it makes me want to throw a brick at their face. How dare you expect me to move on so fast. I’ll move on in my own time when I can actually wake up without feeling like I want to drink or shoot herion to make it through the day and to quiet the rollercoaster of emotions. I’d give anything to not feel the way I’m feeling but how could opening my heart to someone new HELP? I may never open my heart to anyone else ever again.

It’s quite the hard-knock life for HSP’s like me. If you are not one of these types of people, count yourself lucky. If you are, I’m sorry, I relate to you, and you are not alone. The good news for HSP’s is that because we experience everything to it’s greatest potential, imagine what we’re like when we’re happy! We are SO HAPPY!!! And when we love we love SO MUCH. So a relationship with us will be full of affection and attention. However, we may stab you in the eye in the middle of night if you cross us. But it’s worth it.

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I wrote a book!!! Follow my brand new writing account on Instagram @lonelyloverlo for inspiration, excerpts, and release dates!

 

 

 

 

 

Hardened Heart

I’ve had to learn a lot in the vulnerability/openness department over the past couple years. After having had my heart broken a couple times now, my tendency is to push any new love opportunity 900 miles away from me to avoid the inevitable end that will leave me in shambles for months. But what I have learned from doing that is that I hurt more from missing out on some good opportunities and feeling a sense of regret than I do if I had been open enough to receive that love in the first place and risk maybe getting hurt.

What I like to do is wait until I have completely ruined a potential relationship by pushing the dude away and protecting myself with a closed heart and then when the he finally pulls away I’m all, “wait, what? I love you though!” At that point I make it my mission to try and reverse all the damage I’ve done until we’ve both fought to the point of exhaustion. Good work, me.

Some people take heartbreak harder than others. But do not let that make you a hard person. Because what you really wanted so badly was love, and the only way to get love is to give love.

Be open, be vulnerable, be love.

I’m still a work in progress but knowing my problem is the first step in the right direction. 🙂

xx

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