Check out my latest essay on Thought Catalog!
Check out my latest essay on Thought Catalog!
New Thought Catalog article has been published! Let me know if you agree in the comments!
If this is your love story you will not have to force it. Any of it.
Sometimes you make an appearance in someone’s else’s love story but you’re not the main character. You’re a lesson on that person’s journey. Or they are your lesson.
Learn the difference.
And once you have learned that difference, step out of the way if it’s not you.
If it’s you, you will know. You will not have to beg for their time or cajole them into caring.
They will never be in a state of indifference about you if it’s you. Trust me.
You cannot mold someone into your idea of your love story either. Some will be willing to be whatever you need them to so that they too can feel less alone. But don’t be fooled. It shouldn’t feel like that.
It shouldn’t feel like a constant question. Are they the one? Am I in love? How do you know when it’s right?
When it’s right you don’t ask these questions. No exceptions. Guaranteed.
Because when you’re the star of the love story the questions stop. You’re just there. It just happened. You were swept away.
There will be no controlling or maneuvering to fit the pieces together. They will already be the missing piece to your puzzle.
Love is so hard to explain to those who have never truly felt it or who aren’t currently in it. Because it can’t be summed up into one simple idea or phrase. It’s messy and unorganized. It doesn’t follow a pattern. It hurts and it’s ugly and it breaks barriers that you thought couldn’t be broken.
But when it’s supposed to be your love story somehow it all just works. It’s just right. It doesn’t make sense and you don’t know how it happened but it happened.
And that’s when you know that it’s your love story. That you’re the only person in this world at this time that could light up his eyes like that.
And suddenly you understand why it never worked out with any of the others. That was not your love story. THIS ONE is yours.
You have to stay quiet and patient enough to allow your story to come to you and unfold. We don’t want to do that. We want immediate satisfaction. So we push and we press and we mold what is not meant for us into being good enough.
And then we wonder why it isn’t working. Why we resent them. Why they never seem to care. Why the child ends up inside a broken home.
You knew. You knew they were not the leading man of your story. He knew you were not the leading lady. Better that than nothing? Not in my world.
You wait for that moment. Because even if it takes years that rush, that feeling, is so fucking worth it. But you will miss it. Your real love story will have empty chapters because you filled them in a different book. Not the Love book. The Placeholder book.
Let yourself experience YOUR love story.
I was at a bar with my friend Emily* the other night and we were talking about my recent breakup. For the most part I’ve been handling it pretty well, aside from some residual anger and PMS tears, and I think it really took her by surprise.
“One of two things are going to happen. I’m either going to get back together with Ben* and things are going to be different or I’m going to find someone else who is better suited for me,” I told her.
“How are you able to be so at peace with everything?” She wondered. She was mostly asking that question to help her learn how to move forward after her own heartaches.
“Honestly, Abraham Hicks has changed everything for me,” I replied.
I promptly set her up with my favorite Abraham Hicks channel on YouTube so that she could begin listening to some of her lectures. If you don’t know who Abraham Hicks is, she teaches about the law of attraction through, in a VERY simplified explanation, the same ideas as The Secret and the Buddhist religion.
Emily was confused after the first lecture she heard, but I encouraged her to keep listening. This essay is not an advertisement for her teachings and I have nothing to gain from telling other people to seek her out. I just know how miraculous the changes in my emotions and behavior have been since I started listening and making an effort to shift my perspective.
And I started to realize something. Most of the pain and disappointment in my life comes from a place of feeling out of control. Abraham, Buddhists, and probably the authors of “The Secret” (I’ve never read it), know that trying to control everything is the complete antithesis to leading a peaceful and happy life. I’m a control freak by nature and while it can make me a good leader and allow me get a lot of shit done, it also causes me so much anger, sadness, and anxiety if things don’t go how I imagined them to go.
So while I was in peak heartache mode of my relationship as it was crumbling, I was able to realize where all of the despair was coming from. I was feeling a lack of control so strong and I knew the only thing that could make me feel better was to just let go and give up. I’m using the phrase “give up” purposefully because I could’ve stayed in the relationship and let go of control. But I was too far gone. I was spinning so far out of control because of my desperate need to control.
I had to start from scratch and get rid of what was causing me to be so “out of alignment” (that is a phrase that Abraham uses frequently.) And once I let go of that need to control how the relationship was going, I felt such an intense feeling of RELIEF. I felt so much better than I had at any point in the 6 months prior.
And now I know that in the aftermath of what happened, the way to feel really bad about it is to freak out about what’s going to happen in my love life now or despair about the loss. SO many people can’t stand the uncertainty and they jump into something else, or they jump back with the ex, or they sign up for every dating app to make sure they’re desirable again, or they focus on what went wrong and how they should have done things differently. I’ve been there so many times and it’s completely useless.
I have no idea what the future will bring with Ben or with anyone. It’s not my job to know or to force it. It’s only my job to control what I can and should control, which is how I’m feeling. I choose to feel good so I’m only going to focus on what feels good. And that means letting go of the need to fill this gap. Being single again is not at all what I saw for myself and my future with Ben, but I’m making the best of it. All I can do is clean up my vibration. Good things come to those who are vibrating good things.
And after feeling so at peace about that, I started thinking about all the other areas of my life that have caused me to stress out. My career being the main one. A type A person like me can’t STAND not being able to control my own destiny through sheer hard work and determination. I’ve followed the steps and taken all kinds of action and I still am not where I want to be. But I know how much my need for control has been blocking the law of attraction from working its magic. The harder I worked at the success the more frustrated I became and the less I believed it would happen.
Anyone who is in the business of the arts knows that no matter how hard you work, sometimes you never catch that break. Some of the most talented people aren’t working today. But those same talented people might have a disbelief that they deserve success and it blocks them from attracting what they are seeking. Some people are afraid of feeling out of control once they achieve the success. There are many reasons it might not be happening for those people, but it’s absolutely necessary to know you are going to get what you are wanting and not try to control how it gets there and when.
So as that becomes the main focus in my life I’ve started feeling better and better and more encouraged than ever. I don’t need to know how or with whom I’m going to build a life with and I don’t need to know when or in what way I’m going to become successful. It’s all going to happen one way or another.
Let go and let it flow.
Sorry I’ve been a little MIA lately. It’s because I was invited to be a contributing writer for the site Elite Daily and today they published my first article!!! I’m so excited! Please like it on their site and share it around so that they will keep publishing me!