“I can’t give you a relationship because my feelings never got there.”
“I wanted a relationship but I’m going on tour.”
“I never want to be married again.”
These are actual quotes said to me by the last 3 significant men that have been in my life. I held onto them so tightly and tried everything I could think of to make a relationship between us work, but to them, I was merely an everything but girl. I like you BUT I don’t want a relationship with you. I love you BUT I don’t want to marry you. Well what the fuck do I have to do to meet someone who can remove the BUT for me?
I gave them everything I had. I was all in. There were no ifs, ands, or buts for me. Even though they weren’t fulfilling everything that I wanted at the time I was still fully committed. But they were not. They had one foot out the door because of the BUT they had already decided on before we could even really get started.
I didn’t seek out those relationships. They all came to me. It’s not like I was trying to force something that wasn’t there. It was there, but it wasn’t enough. The deal couldn’t close. I’m so tired of attracting that sort of situation into my life but I don’t know how to change it.
I’m fresh out of a relationship so I know that I don’t have to have all the answers right now, but I know that if I keep repeating this cycle for the rest of my life it will kill me. I can’t deal with this type of pain anymore. Even though I was the one who ultimately ended things each time, they were the ones who instigated that. With their unwillingness, their distance, their stubbornness.
I’m a tough case, I understand that. I’m not the most understanding person at times and I’m difficult to deal with 24/7. I’m stubborn and I’m bossy and outspoken and I tend to always think I’m right. But I’m also really loving, empathetic, sensitive, caring, and fun. I’m so fucking fun. So why do I have such a hard time attracting a relationship that isn’t wrought with tears and disappointment?
I know it’s my fault. I’m the one who keeps accepting someone into my life who doesn’t have the capacity to make me happy, but how do I go about breaking that cycle?
I want to be in a relationship where, if it ends, it’s because the love ran its course and we parted ways amicably. I don’t want to be in a relationship where the entire fucking thing is riddled with fighting, breakups and makeups, misunderstandings, and heartache until I finally give up from exhaustion and end it once and for all. Just once, I want to date someone who doesn’t make me cry once a week.
Who are these people who have these great relationships that coast along peacefully and move forward at a reasonable rate? Do they deserve that more than me? Were they more ready than I am? How many more relationships and breakups do I have to go through before I can settle down and relax?
Every relationship has its issues and challenges. I’m not asking for perfection. I’m not asking to not have to work at it. I just want to meet someone who isn’t afraid of commitment or his own feelings. Where are those men? Can we gather them up on an island together so we can take away all the sifting and sorting through the bullshit that we have to so often do?
I can’t wait for the day when I am able to write a blog post about my everything AND man. I hope he finds me sooner rather than later before I give up all hope and resign myself to a life of singledom or more painful relationships.
This is a conversation one of my good friends had with me last night:
“You need to get out more. You should join a rec league.” (NOPE. This makes me want to vomit in my mouth more than I can even explain. And I am a former ATHLETE too!)
“Are you serious? I am out more than a 21 year old college student.” -Me
“Well why don’t you get on Tinder then?”
“Why in the ever loving fuck would I do that?” -Me
“To just chit chat.”
“Why in the ever loving fuck would I just want to chit chat with STRANGERS?!”
By the way, this conversation wasn’t the least bit provoked by me. I was lamenting the fact that I needed to move on from Boyband, but was in no way asking for advice on how to get dates or find new men. I find plenty of men, without the help of Tinder or rec leagues thank you very much, I’m just being patient and waiting for when it’s right. I wish I could get under someone else in order to get over Boyband but I also know that I get easily emotionally attached by being physically intimate, so it would only transfer my pain onto someone new. Not smart.
Anyway, after this conversation my friend revealed to me that her boyfriend of a year and a half and her hadn’t been having sex. She said they were lucky to get it in once or twice a MONTH. AND he is a bit older than her and has no plans to have children, which has been a goal of hers for forever. She knows there is an expiration date and yet continues to waste her best years on him. 😦
I have another friend who hadn’t had sex with her boyfriend in almost a YEAR until the dry spell was broken by a threesome recently. WHAT THE F. My other friends and I are completely baffled by this. The conclusions we have drawn are that the boyfriend is either gay or addicted to porn.
I have another friend who is super recently separated from her husband after about a year of being unhappy. She married at 23 (way too young, please don’t ever do that) to a man almost 20 years her senior and British, which was doomed from the start. At 23 you are going to be going through A LOT of changes and at 40 you are pretty much done changing and stuck in your ways. He was very controlling and had addiction issues which led to a lot of mental and emotional abuse for her.
I have another friend who is recently separated from her husband because it had been revealed that he was a full blown sex addict who was a member of multiple fetish websites and online dating sites and could be found trolling Craigslist for blow jobs from strangers on the regular WHILE MARRIED. This is especially upsetting because I was under the impression that this was the absolute perfect couple whose relationship I aspired to have. From the outside it seemed like a fairytale. And it was, until the rug was ripped out from under my poor friend.
I have another (former) friend whose husband married her for a green card unbeknownst to her (it’s amazing how drunk and manipulated we get on love sometimes) and was also revealed to be a porn and sex addict.
I was at a birthday party recently for a friend and was feeling a little lonely because all of the girls who were there who I thought were single suddenly had dates to bring to the party. They chatted away intimately with their dates or in little groups of foursomes while I preceded to get hammered off of Fireball shots and tried to figure out how to stream the Pacers/Heat game on my phone. (I grew up with four brothers, leave me alone.)
A couple days after the party my friend Lisa told me that our friend Annie and her date had already broken it off because he had trouble getting it up. She said that she believed Annie had tried to turn a friendship into something more but that it failed because there was no chemistry or sexual attraction.
My point is that a relationship doesn’t always equal happiness. And from the outside any relationship could present something completely opposite to what goes on behind closed doors. I choose to be single and wait for what will hopefully be an amazing partnership rather than latch onto something that is wrong or flawed from the beginning. I am mindful of red flags and know myself enough to know whose personality would clash with mine and who I have no chemistry with. I’m not saying I am better or smarter than my friends, but I do think that when it comes to relationships, being picky is a valuable asset to have.
Some relationships of course start off amazing and then tank as it goes on. That’s the risk you take when you choose to make that leap. And most of the time the rewards outweigh the risks. You just have to be cautious.
But watching all of my friends go through this and then dole out relationship advice to me is quite humorous to say the least. It’s almost like it’s what they wish they were doing instead of being stuck in a shitty relationship. Because most of the time it doesn’t even have anything to do with me and what my life is really like. I appreciate their efforts to help me not BE SAD AND SINGLE YOU POOR THING!, but maybe they should focus on fixing their own relationship.
No relationship is perfect and everyone probably has a thing or two that they need to work on even in super happy relationships, but currently I am beyond thrilled that I don’t have to be expending that effort. It feels really good to come home from work late at night and put on sweatpants and watch Chelsea Lately and eat peanut butter straight from the jar instead of sadly trying to figure out why my man has a limp dick and no sex drive. I would take being single over being in a bad or wrong relationship a million times over.
Those stupid girls who are always in a relationship aren’t more attractive or desirable than you. They are just dependent and unable to be happy on their own. There are 27 guys who I could’ve laughed and charmed my way into being with this year, but instead I choose to hold out. This way I can wait for what I deserve and learn as much as possible about myself and bring a whole, awesome being to a mature and real relationship.
I really hope all of my friends can find healing and happiness and/or be strong enough to leave a relationship that’s not right. It’s really hard as a woman to go through life on your own and be self-sufficient. And it’s super hard to find people who are ready and committed to having a healthy relationship here in LA, but it is possible. All it takes is a dash of hope, a whole and healthy mind, an open heart, and a lot of patience. 🙂
One good thing about being a highly sensitive person is that you have a lot of empathy for other people. You can relate to almost anyone because you can easily put yourself in their shoes and see the situation from their perspective. It’s a must have for actors and something that I wish more politicians and YouTube commenters possessed.
A lot of my friends are going through a really hard time right now. Two of my closest friends are dealing with heart-wrenching break-ups and another friend is at a memorial service for his father today. I feel their pain in the depths of my body and wish that I could make it go away for them. I know what that’s like and the only thing I can do is be a good listener and give the best advice that I can muster.
If you are in emotional pain right now the best thing that you can do is take care of yourself. Get out into the world and do things that make you happy. If you sit alone and you’re anything like me, you will get overwhelmed by the thoughts consuming your brain, so make sure you stay occupied. There is nothing worse than feeling the weight of sadness all day.
In times of anguish make sure you do any/all of these things:
1. Surround yourself with good, close friends.
2. Lay out in the sunshine (especially if you live in SoCal like me. Do this everyday.)
3. Drink adult beverages (moderately of course. You can’t numb the pain forever but you can quiet your brain for the night.)
4. Play with dogs. Especially puppies.
5. Get a mani/pedi. (Guys, you can get pedicures too! And you should.)
6. Get a massage.
7. Read outside in the park. Anything light and/or entertaining.
8. Purchase the most amazing latte and savor each sip.
9. Buy yourself flowers.
10. Hang out with a baby. (One that doesn’t have colic)
11. BBQ with some bro friends.
12. Do yoga, hike, dance, or whatever other physical activity you like.
13. Play music (if you can).
14. Get all done up and post the most amazing selfie on Instagram. (Make sure you are facing an open window to insure the best lighting results.)
15. Write. Blog. Diary. Just write.
16. Smile. (This instantly brightens the mood. When I’m sad and I want to cry, smiling always takes the urge away.)
17. Find a project to do on Pinterest for your apartment/house.
18. RETAIL. THERAPY.
19. Actual therapy.
20. Eat Ben and Jerry’s Ice cream. (If you are lactose intolerant like me, they have some bitchin coconut milk alternatives at health food stores.)
I was reading an article the other day and it said that whenever you are feeling sad or lonely just remember that there are at least 5 people that love you that you know about and probably another 2 or 3 that love you and you just don’t know it. But also remember that the only love you ever really need is self-love. It’s so important. And the only way to love yourself is to treat yourself kindly and with respect.
Focus on gratitude.
You will be okay.
If you’re still not convinced, here is a picture of a bunny in a backpack.
I always used to wonder why I would be the only one in my family or friend group covering my eyes in a movie theatre during a super violent war type film or sobbing at the tear jerker ending in something as silly as a romantic comedy film. It was so embarrassing for me one time when I went to see “The Help” with my best friend a couple years ago and I was crying so hard that I was shaking my entire row of seats in a packed house theatre. I almost had to leave and compose myself in the bathroom, but I didn’t want to miss any of the movie. My friend looked over at me several times and laughed a little at my mascara smudged face and offered tissues from her purse. Her eyes were a bit misty, but she was nowhere near the level of my agony.
I had always been thought of as the “tough” girl who never cried and hardly showed emotion when I was younger. I prided myself on not letting little things get to me and never letting anyone see a vulnerable side to my personality. But a lot of people know, and I discovered, that the toughest ones are the ones who are covering up the most.
I wanted to keep up that tough as nails veneer for as long as possible but as an actor/artist, my deepest thoughts and feelings had to be unlocked in order to truly emulate other people and experience empathy. Through acting classes I was almost forced into getting to that place, lest I’d be known as a “bad actor” which I refused to accept. I let my guard down for the first time in my life and boy did I experience ALL THE THINGS. And once pandora’s box was opened, there was no going back. I can’t help but feel everything so deeply now. My own feelings and the feelings of others.
It’s nice to not be blocked emotionally but it’s also distracting to go through life feeling so affected by your environment. It didn’t feel normal until I discovered that I am a “highly sensitive person”. The personality trait “the highly sensitive person” (HSP) was made popular by Elaine N. Aron Ph.D in the 90’s. The characteristics, such as crying easily, being sensitive to smells, sounds, and light, and being emotionally reactive, describe me to an absolute T. I finally was able to identify why I have so many issues in my relationships with friends and lovers.
Fights with my friends or boyfriends can turn really nasty and hurtful because I only think from an emotional standpoint and not rationally. If they hurt me I want to hurt them even worse to experience what I’m feeling. When I get angry I get explosive and when I am hurt I am devastated. So when a relationship ends for me, I absorb a debilitating blow that affects me so much that sometimes I think I’m going to die of heartbreak.
I have been trying so hard for months to get over my most recent lover, who I felt I needed to cut out of my life because he couldn’t commit to me, to no avail. I have good days, but I also have really bad days where I can barely make it through without crying. And it got me thinking: out of the 3 times that I’ve been in love I have been an absolute mess of the most epic proportions after the breakup. More than most people seem to be. When I talk to other people about their breakups, they usually manage to speak rather objectively about it. I can’t even bear talking about my breakup because if I did, I would burst out into tears and make them uncomfortable and probably ruin their day. Sometimes I can’t even leave the house for fear of being made to talk about it but if I do, I make sure everyone knows to not ask me about it.
“IT.” The trauma that comes after lost love. What you tried to avoid but love made you do.
Everyone is different and every relationship is different, but for most people it probably takes a couple months to get over an ex-lover. For me, it takes sometimes years for me to come to terms. I just can’t stop intensely obsessing for so long. I care and I hurt and I cry more than the average person. It’s really not fair. And it’s no wonder that I’m so afraid of being open and vulnerable. If I do my heart will take a major beating when it inevitably ends. It makes me want to avoid it altogether. I have to be more careful who I open my heart to. I have to make sure they’re worth it and that they deserve me.
When I’ve had my heart broken I go through so many different stages of emotion. But it usually starts with depressive sadness to the point where I become a shell of a person. I have to read self help books to ease me through the process and to know that I’m not alone. Then it develops into anger and cynicism for life. And then it turns back to sadness and extreme attachment withdrawal. Finally it turns back to anger once more and throwing my body at someone else to help numb the pain. It’s awful.
Friends will tell me, “it’s time to move on” or “you need to be more open to other men” and it makes me want to throw a brick at their face. How dare you expect me to move on so fast. I’ll move on in my own time when I can actually wake up without feeling like I want to drink or shoot herion to make it through the day and to quiet the rollercoaster of emotions. I’d give anything to not feel the way I’m feeling but how could opening my heart to someone new HELP? I may never open my heart to anyone else ever again.
It’s quite the hard-knock life for HSP’s like me. If you are not one of these types of people, count yourself lucky. If you are, I’m sorry, I relate to you, and you are not alone. The good news for HSP’s is that because we experience everything to it’s greatest potential, imagine what we’re like when we’re happy! We are SO HAPPY!!! And when we love we love SO MUCH. So a relationship with us will be full of affection and attention. However, we may stab you in the eye in the middle of night if you cross us. But it’s worth it.
I wrote a book!!! Follow my brand new writing account on Instagram @lonelyloverlo for inspiration, excerpts, and release dates!
Advice that people in relationships love to give their single friends:
1. You’ll find love when you stop searching for it. (Um, I’m pretty sure I did that for about 3 of the 5 1-2 years I’ve been single.)
2. You just need to focus on yourself. (Yeah, I’ve been doing that for my whole life.)
3. You need to be more open. (So, that full year that I forced myself to go on countless dates doesn’t count?)
4. You should try online dating. (Um, no.)
5. It will come to you when you least expect it. (I don’t expect it ever.)
This all reminds me of that Sex and the City episode (and I’m going to paraphrase from memory) when Charlotte and Carrie go to some dating seminar and Charlotte asks why she isn’t finding love. The speaker responds with, “You’re not putting yourself out there.”
Charlotte replies, “Oh, but I am though.”
Speaker, “But you’re not putting yourself out there ENOUGH.”
Carrie grabs the mic from Charlotte and responds with, “Oh, she’s out there.”
For those of you who have never seen Sex and the City (wth is wrong with you?) this is funny/ironic/annoying because Charlotte is a hopeless romantic who is more open than a 24 hour Ralph’s and is constantly dating a new guy on the regular.
There is nothing more frustrating than people in relationships telling you how and when you are going to find love or what is keeping you from finding love. They think they have the answers because they are currently successful in that department, but the truth is that relationships form in a multitude of different ways and their advice is either wrong or stupid. Haha, just kidding. But seriously, I know that they are trying to be helpful but it’s as annoying as someone who says to you, “you don’t have the career you want because you aren’t trying hard enough.” You don’t really know what I’ve been through or how much work I’ve put in.
All we can do is try to be as open as possible and hope that the stars align for us some day as they have for our off-the-market friends.
Until then, we can counteract annoying advice by sending said friends Thought Catalog articles and Buzzfeed lists of reasons why being single is awesome.
I’ve had to learn a lot in the vulnerability/openness department over the past couple years. After having had my heart broken a couple times now, my tendency is to push any new love opportunity 900 miles away from me to avoid the inevitable end that will leave me in shambles for months. But what I have learned from doing that is that I hurt more from missing out on some good opportunities and feeling a sense of regret than I do if I had been open enough to receive that love in the first place and risk maybe getting hurt.
What I like to do is wait until I have completely ruined a potential relationship by pushing the dude away and protecting myself with a closed heart and then when the he finally pulls away I’m all, “wait, what? I love you though!” At that point I make it my mission to try and reverse all the damage I’ve done until we’ve both fought to the point of exhaustion. Good work, me.
Some people take heartbreak harder than others. But do not let that make you a hard person. Because what you really wanted so badly was love, and the only way to get love is to give love.
Be open, be vulnerable, be love.
I’m still a work in progress but knowing my problem is the first step in the right direction. 🙂