People Will Always Disappoint You If You Let Them

“People tell you who they are, but we don’t listen. Because we want them to be who we want them to be.”

In case you would like to know, that quote is from Mad Men, the greatest drama on television.

I’ve dissected that quote in my brain over and over again. I understand it on an intellectual level, but I wanted to really get what it meant on a more comprehensive and symbolic level and realize its implications in my own life.

I think what it really boils down to is expectation. Expectation of who we think or want a partner to be and our subsequent disappointment when they turn out to be something different, that is, themselves.

I’m not going to blame Disney or romantic comedies for putting some sort of fantasy relationship in our heads. I’m going to blame all of us as a whole for not being good listeners and ignoring red flags.

In acting class we study human behavior to its core. We learn that there are several factors and circumstances that can shape a person’s belief systems and lifestyle. That guy from North Carolina who moved to LA to do blue collar grip work for TV and film? He will probably still retain some of his Southern charm and values. He will probably also vote Republican and have no desire to extend himself beyond his line of work. He enjoys watching college football and relaxing on nights and weekends with a beer and some grilled food. That guy from New York who moved to LA to be a producer? He is probably impatient and pushy and always on the go. He is answering emails every 5 minutes. He is very social, but sometimes also superficial, because he is constantly trying to make connections and further his career. Of course I am generalizing, but you get the idea.

Someone’s career, hometown, age, upbringing, social status, religious and political views, and values will tell you everything you need to know about what you can expect from them in the future if you’re paying attention. This guy that I was interested in for a while in college was from bumble-fuck Indiana, drove a truck, loved guns and hunting, was a lineman for the football team, and listened to country music. He was dashingly handsome and we got along well on the surface, but it never would’ve worked. Not just because I hate country music and guns, but because the circumstances of where he came from and how he was raised tells me we would clash on an intellectual, spiritual, and emotional level.

So let’s say you like someone a lot who manages to have the same sorts of interests and values as you and is from a similar background. Congratulations. Once you’ve filtered out incompatibility, it’s important to see someone for what they can and are willing to offer you. If your expectation is marriage, don’t date the 23 year old singer of a band you love. If your expectation is financial stability, don’t date a loser who claims to be a writer but who never writes. If your expectation is someone who is extremely loyal and faithful, don’t date a famous professional athlete.

It’s not about being harsh or bitchy, it’s about knowing what you want and not wasting your time and emotional energy on someone who will let you down and leave you disappointed. You have to be very discerning and listen intently to what others tell you on a first date. Don’t come out of the gate with, “Do you want marriage and kids because if not then let’s just end it here”, but do make sure you are aware of all the information that is being presented.

One of my better qualities, that I picked up in my late 20’s, is my ability to recognize right away when someone isn’t right for me. My friends call it “way too picky”, but I call it being able to quickly perceive someone’s essence. Why should I waste my time with someone who isn’t who I want them to be? If they aren’t offering me what I need then there is no reason to give them more than one date.

This guy that I used to work with and whom I always shared a sexual chemistry with, recently “asked me out”. (I put asked me out in parentheses because I was under the impression that that was his intention.) He said he marked the day we discussed on his calendar and was very excited. The day came and I hadn’t heard from him and it was already 5pm. I texted him to see what the plan was and he informed me that he was with a client shooting photos and he would get back to me. 8:30 rolls around and I decided to meet a girlfriend for a drink because, fuck him. He texts me at 9:30 telling me he wanted to come meet up with us, with his client in tow. My friend had to leave, but the 3 of us proceeded to have a drunken night of debauchery. He told me all about how he was couch surfing and was really excited that at this point in his life he has nothing tying him down. We drunkenly made out at the end of the night and it was fun, but completely pointless.

24 year old me would’ve hung out with him again after that and slept with him several times and probably would’ve become attached and it would’ve ended with me demanding him to be my boyfriend. 30 year old me knows that it is a dead end road. I want a relationship. He wants to have fun. He didn’t tell me that, but the context clues told me all I need to know. So when he texted me the following week saying that we should hang out again, I politely declined.

I have a friend, we’ll call her Lexi, who jumped right from a separation from her husband to dating another man. The other man happens to be married. Of course he claims it is completely on the rocks and that he is on the way to getting a divorce, but he nonetheless is in a government recognized commitment with someone else. She chalks it up to the universe giving her what she really needs and so-fucking-what if the timing is wrong. This guy is telling Lexi (not literally of course) that he is a cheating piece of shit. He is telling her that he doesn’t value marriage or vows and that he is quick to trade-up to the next pretty young thing. He is selfish and impatient and wants to flee the ship when things get hard. Does it sound like the future is bright for the two of them?

Another friend of mine, we’ll call her Haley, is in love with this guy who just got out of a relationship. His wounds are super fresh and he feels emotionally broken. He really likes Haley and even asked her on a date and kissed her afterwards. But then he told her, “I’m just not ready to date again. I really like you but it’s just too soon.” So, even after this right-on-the-nose exposition that he gave her, she still loves to call me and say, “but he does x and y and I know he likes me and he came to my comedy show..” and blah blah. Honey, he said he wasn’t ready. Cut your losses and let him go. If you’re a masochist, keep him in your life as a friend whom you wish were more, otherwise stop holding unrealistic expectations over his head and move on.

You have to ask yourself what you want at all times in every facet of your life and constantly strive to seek that out. If your job isn’t giving you the raise that you think you deserve, then maybe your talents should be taken elsewhere. If a friend of yours is constantly flaking on every engagement you ask her to be a part of and it bothers you, stop asking her to hang out. People will constantly disappoint you if you let them. If you have enough wisdom to know that no one is perfect and that you aren’t going to jive with everyone, you will be much happier.

Stop trying to make people who you want them to be. Let them be who they are, and you be who you are, and find the one that matches naturally.

xx

Lover Lo

I’ll leave you with this quote from the amazing Meryl Steep:

“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.”

I Hope You Have Your “Enough” Moment Soon

There’s a saying that my hairdresser always uses when I’m stuck in a relationship that isn’t fulfilling me the way it should but I can’t really let go: “You’re not done until you’re done.”

Such a simple statement and yet so perfectly describing what that type of a situation is like. How many more times can you be disappointed before you finally just say, “enough”.

It’s like the poor sap on “Love, Actually” who goes to his best friend’s wife and pours out his entire heart to her on fucking poster board set to music and afterwards says, “enough. Enough now.”

The problem with this is that it’s SO HARD to make it to that point. You put up with his disrespect, you recover from that night of crying into your pillow, you learn to live with him not being available enough, not answering your texts, not fully giving of himself. Being emotionally unavailable, pushing you away, making you feel less than. You keep in this cycle until one day you suddenly rediscover your self-respect and your worth and you put your chin up and you say, “enough”.

It’s not even something that you can force yourself to do, which is the most annoying part. Because when your heart is that attached to someone and you’ve been so intimate and shared so much of yourself you want to do everything you can to salvage that. And it was probably pretty good at one point otherwise what would you have to fight for? You probably had created some amazing memories and went to some amazing places together and shared cool stories from your past. But once a relationship gets to the point where you are feeling disappointed more than happy, it starts to spiral into shit.

No one wants to stay in a place of unhappiness, but sometimes as hard as you fucking try, you just can’t pull yourself out of it. For whatever reason, you aren’t ready to move on yet.

It’s such a terrible place to be in and I don’t wish it on my worst enemy. And you won’t be done until you’re done, so good luck. I hope it happens sooner rather than later. I hope you don’t completely lose yourself and become an unhappy shadow of who you once where and disappear into dullness along the way.

Some people are really strong and can be like, “fuck you, I’m done” and walk away and wash their hands clean. I am not one of those people. I have to slog through the shit until I’ve cried so much and so hard that I literally have no more tears left for that person. I’m all dried up. My emotional spirit has been broken and I have to get out and repair it or else I’ll be swallowed in the sea of despair.

My poor friend Kristin (name changed) has been struggling for about a year to rid herself of her vile ex-husband who is a raging sex addict. Even knowing EVERYTHING (and I mean everything. Every email, voicemail, text, online exchange etc.) wasn’t enough for her to be done with him right away. They went to couples therapy. She tried to treat it like an alcohol addiction and help him through this rough journey. But he kept deceiving her and being a piece of shit human being so she finally divorced him. But even now she has moments of weakness where she will call him and ask, “should I wait for you?”

It sounds crazy to someone from the outside, but the heart wants what the heart wants regardless of what that person did. You can rationalize it in your brain until your face turns blue but then that beating organ in your chest decides to shit inside your thoughts and derail your progress.

When Janay Rice (Ray Rice’s wife) had a press conference in which she stood by her man and rationalized the fact that he beat her unconscious and dragged her body out of an elevator with her ass showing we all sat with our jaws open and scolded her in our minds for being so stupid. But sometimes it’s hard to even leave an abuser. Hopefully one day soon she realizes she is worth more than that and has her “enough” moment. Only time will tell.

My moment came with The Colombian (my psuedo-ex boyfriend) when I was playing cards with his roommate and his roommate’s girlfriend and he jokingly made fun of me the ENTIRE night. He called me out for making a bad play in our game, he criticized what I wanted to order for dinner at the takeout place, he didn’t pay any attention when I tried to show him a new song I had learned on guitar. These are little tiny things, but the build up of all of the months before just peaked that night and I was DONE.

My moment came with Boyband (another pseudo-ex boyfriend) this afternoon when he flaked on a double date we were supposed to have tonight. He had several opportunities to let me know that he wasn’t available, but instead he decided he would pretend that we didn’t really have “set plans” and say that he had people coming into town and needed to entertain them. He probably doesn’t even think it’s a big deal, but when your heart is so tied to someone and they disappoint you for the 900th time you can’t help but to get upset. And today was the day that I decided that I had no more fucks to give and that I don’t want to feel that disappointment anymore. There isn’t an excuse in the world he could’ve given me that would be good enough. I’m at the end of my rope and I’m walking away for good.

You deserve to be with someone who feels lucky to have you everyday. You deserve to be with someone who is a man and not a boy. You deserve to be with someone who will take you on dates instead of just fuck you. Of course even with the right man there will be hard times and you won’t feel the love at every moment, but you know when a situation isn’t enough for you, and that’s not the way a healthy relationship is supposed to be. We can make excuses for them and pretend like we don’t care and believe that things will change soon, but you know deep down that you deserve better.

You won’t get out until you’re ready, but know that when you do that better things are on the horizon. So many of us have been there before. You are not alone. Make yourself happy first and eventually you will realize that if a guy isn’t making a concerted effort to keep you and make you happy that you have the option to find a person who will. Because those guys exist. They ARE out there. When you are in an unfulfilling relationship, you aren’t available to those guys. So, as Elizabeth Taylor would say, “Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together”!

Don’t let someone dull your shine. If your shine has already been dulled, then get it back. And if you don’t feel like you can do that yet, then fake it until you make it. Life is way too short to be with someone who makes you feel less than.

xx

Lover Lo

Please Take Us On A Date For Fuck’s Sake

I would like to give a rousing, enthusiastic shout-out to all the real men out there who still take girls on dates. Who seek out a girl who they are attracted to, get a phone number, CALL in a reasonable amount of time, and follow through on treating a girl to a night out. This is a rare, endangered breed of man who we all need to try and save.

I feel as though through my very clinical investigative work of being single for almost six years I’ve developed some insight into decoding the behavior of men and exposing your weaknesses. I feel as though you have become clueless on how to successfully court a woman. But don’t worry, I am here to help! And let me begin by saying, IT’S NOT ALL YOUR FAULT!

Women are just as much to blame as men for the state of affairs in the dating world today. I understand that a lot of us have gotten you into thinking that we are more comfortable “chillin'” with you at your place and watching Netflix, or “hangin'” with you and your boys out at a bar. I’m here to tell you: WE ARE NOT. We would like to be taken on dates. They don’t have to be fancy or involve a lot of money spent. But if we are at all romantically interested in you, we would like to spend time with just you at a place that is not your apartment (at least in the beginning).

Here come the excuses:

“But I’m so broke. I can’t afford to take a bunch of girls on dates.” (There are so many places you can take her that are not expensive. http://thoughtcatalog.com/christine-stockton/2014/04/50-fun-cheap-dates-that-arent-netflix/)

“I don’t want to invest in some girl until I know that she’s into me.” (Well, you can start out as friends and spend a lot of time and effort into getting to know her until you are firmly cemented in the friend zone and find out that some other dude swept her off her feet last week if you want.)

“Dating is too formal for me. There are way too many expectations.” (Um, I sometimes feel that way too. We both need to grow up.)

“Rejection sucks.” (I know. I’m glad I’m not a man. But if you never take chances then nothing changes. You’ll wake up at 40 alone and with regret. Which circumstance sucks more?)

“I feel like she is only comfortable in a casual, relaxed setting too though. When I make subtle advances she changes the subject.” (That is only her fear and insecurity talking. If you REALLY like her, you have to push through that. The other option is that she’s just not that into you and hopefully you can sense the difference.)

The thing is, whether it seems like it or not we are definitely impressed when you guys make that full effort. You have a 75% better shot than if you dick around and try to do the “let’s just hang” thing. I understand that that way is more comfortable for everyone involved, but in actuality it involves way more effort and takes way more time than going through the stages of dating. Yes it’s scary and involves you putting yourself out there more, but in the long run if you are truly looking for a partner then it’s necessary.

People are naturally inclined to want to be in a relationship. It’s human nature. God (or whomever you believe created our bodies) gave us the gift of sex so that we would bond with another human being, create a family, and re-populate the world. We have obviously started abusing that gift in modern times, but I still believe that most of us, deep down, feel that urge for coupledom. Who wants to trudge through this challenging world alone? Those people who swear that they “LOVE BEING SINGLE!” are in deep denial and have put their frozen heart in a bulletproof safe surrounded by barbed wire. Unless you haven’t been single in forever or you have just come out of a relationship, it’s always a defense mechanism, in my opinion.

So man the fuck up and stop being so stubborn. I can’t tell you how many guy friends I have that have remained single while I have known them and been on only about a handful of dates. When I press them to figure out why that is, their answer is always some bullshit about “it being too hard” and “needing to focus on themselves”. Do you need to focus on yourself for 3 years? Unless you are Justin Timberlake at 22 who is currently on a world tour then that argument doesn’t really fly. You’re being selfish and in denial and letting so many eligible, beautiful women pass you by. I’m not suggesting that you force yourself to date people you have no interest in, but maybe if you were more open to trying it you could soon experience the most amazing part of life: being in love.

I’ve had other guy friends say things like, “every woman I’ve met is a gold digging hoe”. For those of you who feel that way, I’m sorry you live in such a cynical, superficial world. Maybe you should try running with a different crowd or trying to meet a woman somewhere other than a club. Also, unless you are a professional athlete or Bill Gates I highly doubt that she is just after your money. Don’t flatter yourself.

And ladies, let’s all do our part and stop acting like we are okay with hooking up and hanging out. We are confusing the shit out of men. They have no idea what we want now! Grow up, throw on some high heels, and toss your hair around until some guy notices you. If you are interested, then allow him to ask for your number. If he then proceeds to text you late night to hang out, say no, and then tell him what you want and deserve (nicely, of course). We all have to band together and re-train these dudes. Men haven’t just suddenly become lazy and casual about dating all on their own. If we all start expecting more maybe they will give more.

I used to be that girl who was all, “um, there are no guys asking me out” who would then proceed to never give anyone my phone number when they asked and continue to casually sleep with my neighbor. I was never open to anyone’s advances when they were serious but I would go to a guy’s apartment late night for drinks and then be disappointed when he didn’t ask me to be his girlfriend after a couple months. I never made it easy for anyone and I now take full responsibility for my years of singledom.

Give these guys all the encouragement and clues that they need to ask you out. Be open, be vulnerable, and express happiness when they follow through. Our emotions and sensitivities make us way more hard to read and the guys are just trying to do what they think we want. So stop telling them you “just wanna have fun!” and grow up. Together we can change the trend!

xx

 

Lover Lo

p.s. it’s September 11th and I just want to give love to everyone in the US and especially in New York. #neverforget

Hey Boys, Man Up Or Miss Out. Your Choice.

http://totalsororitymove.com/this-guy-wrote-the-most-beautiful-heartbreaking-letter-to-his-ex-girlfriend-brooke-if-youre-out-there-give-him-another-chance/

Well, well, well. Thank you TheDude1 for totally legitimizing what I am about to write about…

Remember that song “When I Was Your Man” by Bruno Mars? The song wherein he waxes poetically about how much he regrets losing an amazing girl? About how he put in -10% effort into pleasing her? About the fact that now that she has moved on and met someone else he hopes for her sake that the man does everything he never did for her because he just loves her so much and wants her to be happy?

Stop regretting losing that amazing fucking woman because you were afraid of commitment/still acting like a boy/busy keeping your options open. What are you DOING?! Why does it take her getting to the point of indifference for you to finally open your eyes? Why is it that so many of you fear a girl who has actual feelings for you?

MAN THE FUCK UP, BOYS!

This is an ALARMING trend I’m seeing with millennial men and it makes me fear for myself and my peers. Do we have to date guys who are almost 40 to make sure they have sowed their wild oats and then some and are just too exhausted to continue? Not that 40 is old, but can we please have the option of having a relationship with a man who is a little less than a decade older? If you are out of college and have a grown up job, for the love of god please realize that girls are not just for fucking and that life can be awesome with an awesome person by your side.

I was reading Glamour magazine on a flight back to LA from Indiana and in it there was a comic strip about the evolution of men and women in modern day. The women have become so progressive in terms of lifestyle and in the professional world. We are taking on more responsibilities, becoming more prevalent in big business and government, and pursuing what we really want to do in life. The men have regressed. They are in their 30’s and still smoking bongs all day and playing video games. They are less interested in taking care of ANYTHING, let alone a woman, and living with their parents well into their 20’s. I’m not saying that we are a superior gender than you, Glamour said it. 🙂

I know that we are firmly engulfed in the “hook-up” culture and over saturated with a myriad of options for easy access online dating and phone apps and that we are BOTH at fault, but the men are the ones who are supposed to be pursuing and because of all that they aren’t doing anything. So we are all running around single.

Even when a guy happens to fall for one of these girls he fell into a casual relationship with he STILL does nothing. He plays games and waits and takes his chances and has sex with randoms still and then, boom. She’s gone. You’re left with your dick in your hands and all you can feel is the slow burn of regret. Learn from TheDude1! Let’s stop the trend!

After my “break-up” with Boyband, I posted this status on Facebook: “There are so many beautiful, amazing single girls in LA surrounded by a bunch of selfish man children.”

It was my most controversial status to date. And I’ve posted about GUN CONTROL several times!

You can deny, deny, deny, and get defensive all you want, guys. Maybe you aren’t like TheDude1 and can reflect objectively enough to realize what you had soon after you had it. Maybe you will only feel that regret years later. Wake up!

My brother’s best friend, we will call him Andrew, is deeply entrenched in this idea. He hooks up with a new girl every single weekend night and hasn’t had a real girlfriend since his mid-twenties (he is now 32). He has had two girls in his life in that time in which he was sleeping with on the reg and taking out and hanging with, but when those girls pressed him for something more serious, he bailed. He will claim, “I don’t care” when we ask him about them, but I know better. He seems to think he is some kind of perpetual bachelor who just LOVES the single life and doing what he wants. But I know that it’s actually a defense mechanism.

Everyone goes through different phases in their lives in which they MUST be single. They have to learn to love themselves and focus on their personal growth. But everyone wants to be in a partnership eventually. It’s human nature. Maybe you haven’t felt a connection with someone in 10 years, or maybe you just are missing out on several opportunities.

I can’t even tell you the number of times I’ve seen this happen (in LA it is an everyday occurrence). Boy and girl start seeing each other. Boy and girl are in a casual relationship. Boy and girl start getting questions from those around them about what their status is. Girl starts feeling insecure. Girl asks for a commitment. Boy freaks the fuck out. Girl gives him some time. Girl keeps showing her love. Boy keeps rejecting it. Girl gets sad, then mad, then fed up, then moves on. Boy tries to win her back.

By that point, guys, it’s usually too late. Once a girl has moved on it is hard for her to open up to you again. And not only that, she may have found a new guy who is treating her the way you should have. Don’t let that be you! Regret is the worst feeling in the entire world in my opinion.

And I am not talking about the girls who are just looking to get laid at your local bar late at night. I’m not taking about that girl who you are not even attracted to and who annoys the shit out of you whom you slept with twice. I’m not even talking about that girl you dated who you knew you weren’t compatible with. I’m taking about the girl who is RIGHT under your nose whom you love being around and shares your same interests and with whom you have amazing sex. The good girl who is wife material who you haven’t made a commitment to because there was no pressure. Until there is and you opt out.

Don’t be the guy who has to write a song or write a blog about the time “when I was your man”. Don’t wait until you are almost 40 and have already fucked every girl in your friend circle to finally get on match.com to find a girl and settle. Trust me, empty sex with several strangers is going to lose its luster at some point.

Here’s the thing. Most self-respecting, amazing women will not settle for a casual relationship long enough for you to make up your mind about sealing the deal. They will be the ones to get out first. What is so scary about commitment? Why does it take you losing her to really realize how much you loved her? It’s really a shame. I think a lot of my friends, and myself, could have been in some amazing relationships if only you hadn’t pretended not to care.

Man up or miss out. Your choice.

 

xx

Lover Lo

 

It’s The Time Of The Season For Loving

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Subtle, but detectable shifts happen when you come to a place where you are whole and happy and ready for a relationship.

You thought you were ready in the past but through reflection realize that you were desperate or needy and wanted a relationship to make you feel whole. You thought in your subconscious mind, “if only I had a relationship, then I would be truly happy.” You got angry at people who failed your expectations. You scowled at the couple at the bar looking lovingly into each others eyes and thought, “why don’t I get to have that?” You felt as though you deserved a man or woman and that you were being punished somehow by not having them.

But then suddenly you wake up one morning and you don’t feel empty. You don’t feel as though you need to seek for anyone’s attention. You are self-assured and excited about all that life has to offer. The sky looks SO blue! The weather is absolutely perfect! You start seeing your friends in a whole new light!

Everyone is beautiful. Everyone has an interesting story to tell and you just can’t wait to sit and listen. That person who used to get under your skin suddenly becomes a teacher to you. What can you learn from their agitating behavior?

You want to do things for people without getting anything in return. You want to send gifts just because and write nice things on someone’s social media to make them smile. Nothing is a competition. You aren’t keeping score.

Everything becomes an opportunity. You don’t feel as though you are hopeless in your chosen career. You have a rediscovered energy and passion for what you do. You are hungry to make changes and progress.

Babies become cute instead of annoying.

Puppies light up your face like a child.

The smallest act of kindness fills your eyes with tears.

That painting on the wall is beautiful.

Life is amazing and every experience you have makes you feel so grateful.

Joy shoots out of your eyeballs and it affects everyone around you.

Music touches your soul.

Movies expand your mind.

Books enrich your brain.

This is the attitude of someone who is in love with life. In love with themselves. A loving being who is ready to give and receive love to everyone. This kind of loving person attracts love into their lives.

It’s crazy to actually be in this position myself and be able to articulate it. To know that I’m ready. Like, actually ready. Before when I would complain to my girlfriend that, “I’ve been dating for 15 years, I’m exhausted, where is he?!” I think she probably knew deep down that I was so far from ready. Being ready means that I haven’t once complained about being single, wished that I had a boyfriend, allowed failed expectations from someone send me into a tailspin in a very long time. (Well, long for me.) It’s such an amazing feeling.

Nobody fails my expectations anymore because I don’t even have them. I’m focused on myself and my work and putting energy into my friendships. But it wasn’t even something I did knowingly. I came to this realization over the weekend because I was in a constant state of euphoria (on PMS week no less!!!) with everything going on around me. When something great happened I was STOKED!! When something not so great happened I didn’t even flinch. I didn’t take it personally and I surely didn’t let it affect my mood.

I started thinking about the last couple months and how that has been my attitude across the board…what a difference some time makes. All I have to do is look back at earlier blog posts and see how angry and hurt and negative I used to be. Now, it’s all sunshine and rainbows. I feel like a hippie co-ed in the 70’s with an amazing marijuana buzz.

This is how one HAS to enter into a healthy relationship if they want something special and real and true. This is how I’ve always been before entering into relationships in the past. A person is meant to add to your life, not complete it. If you’re sad or broken how can you offer anyone else true and full love? Only when your heart is exploding with LOVE DYNAMITE can you give and receive in a real way. It’s a fucking amazing thing and I can’t stop smiling and feeling awesome.

Of COURSE I don’t feel 100% joyous at all times of every day, but the feelings of positivity overwhelmingly outnumber the feelings and thoughts of negativity. I still snap sometimes at my incapable manager and scream “what the fuck!?” at the guy who cut me off in traffic, but you get the idea. 🙂

I will say, however, the one thing that is scary about this state of being is that literally everyone starts to fall in love with you. I’ve felt a couple guy friends of mine suddenly look at me with new eyes. Telling me my hair smells good and that I look beautiful. Suddenly considering me as an option. It makes me a little nervous, yet ridiculously excited at the same time. It’s better to have way too many people falling for you then none at all!

If you’re not there yet, don’t worry. It will happen for you in due time. It will sneak up on you when you least expect it. Everyone has to go through the dark, bad times to truly appreciate the good. Life ebbs and flows and you change and grow along with it. You just do you. 🙂

xx

Lover Lo

“The Air is Hummin’ and Something Great is Comin’!”

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“We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain.” -Alan Watts

I had a first date with this guy one time that was so amazing…he picked me up, we went to the cutest little Italian bar and had 4 glasses of wine each, had amazing conversation, played guitar and sang to each other back at my apartment, and then it ended with one of the best kisses I’ve ever had in my life. He never called me again.

One of my best friends met a guy out of the blue on set whom she shared a high school friend with, had an amazing date with him, had crazy chemistry, had mind-blowing sex in which the condom broke, and she never heard from him again.

Another of my close friends met a friend of mutual friends at a BBQ on the 4th of July and they shared one of those nights that you see happen only in the movies. They left the awesome party and ran around NYC and stopped at different bars for drinks, shared hot dogs together, had amazing rooftop conversation until the sun came up, and had amazing sex that morning. He was from the South and such a gentleman that he wanted to take her to dinner the next day and have a proper date. The dinner date was amazing but after that they had about 2 weeks of casual run-ins until he pulled away…

I met the hottest, smartest, most amazing guy while shopping for a new computer at Best Buy 2 weeks ago and felt such an automatic and intense connection with him and that shit NEVER happens to me. I gave him my number, which I NEVER do with strangers, and we went out last week for drinks. The chemistry was on fire and there was such obvious physical attraction. I haven’t heard from him since. Day 8 and counting…

What the fuck, hmmm? Why does this happen? What does it mean and why is the world so cruel and confusing??

We will never know. The only person that knows for sure is the person who put an end to it. Trying to know why will only drive you crazy if you let it. Because here is the thing, you cannot control the actions of others and you can never know what they are really thinking and feeling (unless they tell you of course, and even then they are probably lying or putting it through some kind of filter) so why let it affect you?

They weren’t meant for you. They were probably a psychopath or a sociopath, or had an addiction, or were a cheater, or had halitosis, or were terrible in the bedroom. Maybe not, but at least you can THINK any one of these things to let yourself down easier.

I love that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie says to the Russian on their second date, “I haven’t heard from you for 3 weeks. I thought you died or something…” She and the Russian DID end up together for a while, but the cool thing was that Carrie didn’t freak out or wonder why he wasn’t calling. She was just cool and knowing that something or someone else could come along that she could get just as excited about. But dudes, for the love of fuck, no matter how busy you are, don’t wait 3 weeks to call someone after a first date.

Here’s the thing. If even one guy (or girl) is crossing your path, it’s a good thing whether it works out or not. Because it means that you are open, available, and ready. Unfortunately it may not be the mind set for that other person or they aren’t interested in pursuing you further, but at least you are attracting SOMETHING. Because we have all been through periods of time where literally no one has asked us out for months and we feel like we are def gonna die alone. But if that is the case, it’s important to figure out what’s going on with YOU and why you aren’t being approached.

You get what you give.

Only loving people find love.

If you are in an angry place, a sad place, a cynical place, etc. you aren’t going to attract many people (especially not the RIGHT people) and you need to do some more work on yourself. Which is why rebound relationships usually end up so toxic and dependent. No matter who broke up with who in the previous relationship, no one can come out of that being a whole, well rounded person immediately.

So that guy you met who you thought was awesome and never called? He may have just broken up with someone and realized he wasn’t ready. Timing is everything and if it’s even off, even just barely slightly, for one person then it’s over.

That person that fucked you and then you never heard from again was an asshole but just keep in mind that there are a bajillion people in this world and that a new and better opportunity will be coming your way. You are ON THE RIGHT TRACK. It’s coming. Every rejection feels like a punch in the face and can knock even the most confident person down a few pegs, but the more people you come into contact with the more chance you have of finding the right match.

You have to kiss a bunch of frogs before you find your prince or princess. The stars will align and the universe complies when you are truly ready to give and receive something amazing. It may take a few tries though!

Don’t lose hope. (This is a mantra I’m trying to sell to myself as much as to the rest of you.) It’s easy to dwell and agonize but it sure isn’t any fun. What’s FUN is knowing that you can, and deserve, to be with someone who is just as head over heels about you as you are about them. It DOES exist and it DOES happen. All it takes is a little faith from YOU that it may not come immediately or on your specific timeline, or with that specific person, but when you are open and loving and ready it IS coming.

Stay positive. Stay open. Stay loving. 🙂

xx

p.s. the title is a song lyric from West Side Story…I wonder if any of you are musical theatre dorks like me and knew that without seeing the picture!

You Don’t Need a Love Coach

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I would like to tell you all a little story I like to call, “How my former best friend fucked me up”. My former best friend of 5 years and I were inseparable as recently as 9 months ago. We texted and/or called each other at least 9 times a day and never went more than 2 days or so without seeing each other. We knew everything single thing about the other person and then some. She was my rock, my guide, my sister, my…..mom? My damaging therapist?

You see our relationship started to evolve into something strange after about year 3 and 1/2 and it continued downhill from there. She is 7 years older than me and very smart, but at times it felt as though she was trying to manipulate and control me instead of being nurturing and wise. As I neared my 30th birthday I knew that I had to break-up with her and her toxic energy. We fought and made each other miserable for months at the end until we had it out one night through text and I’ve never heard from her since.

Anyway, the point of this story is that I always looked to this person, the one who I always counted on to have my best interest, for all of my life choices. Toward the end of our relationship she began taking courses on how to be a “love coach” and thought she knew EVERYYYYTHING there was to know about courting, dating, and relationships. And because of that, she literally would shame me into making decisions with men that not only were not in my best interest, but were not in my character. At first I blindly followed her advice thinking that, of course, she knows best! She’s been trained! She has life experience! But what she was giving me was a perspective that was so shrouded by the negative, bitter lens she had on her OWN life and was damaging to mine.

Because of this, I literally have NO IDEA how to handle myself with guys. I am trying to undo YEARS of damage that she caused me by brainwashing me into thinking that her way was the only way. Now I am so shy and apprehensive with potential mates (which is completely out of character for me) and trying to carefully craft my every move so as to not to make a mistake. I don’t really know if I should hinder most of my natural impulses (which was basically her advice) or be myself and trust that the right guy will love me no matter what mistakes I make.

She would tell me to “sit on my hands” all the time and not text a guy when I really wanted to. She would tell me to “date everyone” even when I thought a guy was repulsive and wanted to refuse a date with him. She would tell me to “insist that the guy pick you up for the first date and only accept dinner and nothing less” even if it was someone I hardly knew. What was supposed to be some weird form of relinquishing control in dating turned into me being the ice-queen-super bitch who no one wanted to be around.

Here is the thing about your friends giving you advice: you have to know that it is completely biased and manipulated by what they choose to see and hear and what is going on with them at that moment. If I ask my friend who is dating a married man what advice she has for me her answer would be something along the lines of, “life is short. You just have to go with your gut instinct and know that even if the timing is bad that you have to follow your heart.” While my friend who is feeling insecure about her budding relationship would give me this advice on the same guy, “You just need to let him go and move on. You deserve better and he’s not good enough for you. You should join online dating to meet some new guys.”

And here is the thing, we ALL ask our friends for advice even when we know deep down what we want to do and what we feel is right. So why do we still take screen shots of text conversations and analyze and agonize all day over something that we can’t control? Why do we feel we need someone to tell us what to do and what moves to make? I have, on a number of occasions, had a friend dictate to me word for word what I should say to a new potential guy through text. Even if it’s something that would never come out of my mouth in real life I still trust that more than my own intuition.

I went out with this new guy that I met last Friday and I literally called one of my friends after every single text he sent to have her dissect what he was really thinking and what I should respond back. She wanted me to be very proper and forward in my responses instead of sending texts that were light and humorous, which is my jam. If we can’t be ourselves when we meet someone new, then what is the point? He asked me out because he liked who I was, not the perfect manufactured version of me.

But years of damage from ex-bestie and years of being single have made me so confused about the game. I figure if I’ve been single for this long it must mean that I’ve been doing MOST everything wrong and that I need someone to fix me. Right? I dunno. Dating is so weird and hard especially in this modern age. Everyone is trying to feel as little as possible and be as casual as can be that you can’t get a direct answer out of anyone.

What does it all mean?! When can I finally stop agonizing?! When will I know what’s right?? When can I begin to trust that what I think immediately is what I should do?

So many questions. It takes all the fun out of dating. Was it only easy when I was 22? Is this a sign of getting older? Or is this merely a sign that I’ve finally grown up and am ready for something serious and therefore taking it all more seriously? I hope that’s the case. I just wish I could chill the fuck out and enjoy the ride. I’m trying to do the same in my career, which leads me to believe that some day soon down the line it will ALL come together and I will be ridiculously happy for all eternity.

Maybe you can actually trust yourself and know that when you are ready the right one will waltz into your life and stick no matter if you sent him a text when you shouldn’t have or not. Or if you were too talkative at dinner or tried to pay or made some other game-changing mistake.

I have to choose to believe that the universe has a bigger plan for me and to just be myself and let go and allow for what’s right to be there when it’s supposed to. I can feel it coming… 🙂

xx

You Don’t Even KNOW Single…

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You know what’s fucking annoying??

Those people who complain about being single when they have only been single for about 5 fucking minutes. Oh, you’ve been single for a year? POOR YOU! Try FIVE years. You have been on the market for many months and are becoming frustrated with boys and dating? Oh okay, well again, try feeling that for many YEARS.

There is a GIF that has been going around on Buzzfeed/Jezebel/Gawker for a while of Adele shrugging her shoulders and saying, “I’m always single.” Really, Adele? You were maybe 22 at the oldest when that interview happened? And your albums 19 and 21 were all songs written about former lovers? Are you considering your “always single” time starting from age SIX? You don’t know what it’s like, sweetie. Nope. 

That girl Amy who I devoted a whole post about (Why Can’t You Be More Like Amy?) has literally never been single in her adult life and had the gall to try and give me advice about MY life when I told her I was starting to delve into indifference about dating. She said:

“And that’s when it always happens. When you stop looking for it. That’s how it happened for me.”

Fueled by alcohol and a growing disdain for her I lashed out and said:

“What do you know about it, Amy? You had overlapping relationships! You still had a boyfriend living with you when you started dating your current boyfriend! You have no idea what it’s like!”

I had steam coming out of my ears after that exchange because it was so insulting for her to try and relate to me when she will never experience the type of loneliness I have. I’m not suicidal or something, but the kind of thoughts that go through your brain when you are constantly alone for every holiday and family function and wedding and vacation at the age that I am will never compare to her two week hiatus from a pillow buddy.

She doesn’t know what it’s like to experience the cycle of hope to anger to disgust to apathy to hope again and then to bitterness about dating on the regular. It’s exhausting. One day you put a big smile on your face and scream, “I am a happy, healthy woman who is in a relationship with MYSELF! All you need is self-love, people!” and then the next day you’re crying in the shower because you woke up feeling empty for the umpteenth time and on the way to the bathroom you stubbed your toe and there was no one there to comfort you.

You don’t know single until you literally can’t even remember the last time you had a crush or went on a date. You don’t know single until you’ve gone A YEAR AND A HALF without having sex.

My co-worker was complaining the other day while we were on break about having gone SOOOO LONG without sex and I asked her exactly how long we were talking. “A couple months”, she replied. I almost choked on my seaweed salad. I one-upped her by telling her about my even-more-perpetually-single-than-me friend Allison who had gone almost four years without it. Honestly if I went more than 2 I would probably have a nervous breakdown. And I don’t even care about sex all that much if I’m being honest (and don’t freak out, I just mean relationships are more important to me than empty sex with randos). But everyone needs that type of release OCCASIONALLY. 

You don’t know single until you have an SSB ritual that you engage in on most drunken nights that is absolutely absurd. (If you don’t know what SSB is and you are a female, shame on you. It’s from Sex and the City and it means “secret single behavior.” Fuck, I miss that show.) I’m not going to FULLY divulge mine, hence the “secret” part, but I will tell you that it usually involves me eating peanut butter with a spoon and filming myself playing rap songs acoustically on my guitar. 

Come talk to me when you have read a self-help book. 

Come talk to me when you’ve considered dating someone who is 7 years younger than you because you are running out of options.

Come talk to me when you have been to the movies by yourself more than once a month.

Give me advice when you have started a blog/journal/diary in order to give your emotions an outlet.

Give me advice when you are going to regular therapy to avoid becoming an alcoholic or depending on Valium.

Until then, shut the fuck up and enjoy your vanilla boyfriend that you settled for. 

At least I have been in one serious relationship with a man I was madly in love with. I feel grateful for having experienced that. There is a girl who I am friends with on Facebook who revealed in a post (don’t ever reveal things like this in a public post) that at 34 she had never been in love. Can you imagine a world so bleak? 

Obviously there is more to life than having a boyfriend and I am extremely happy and fulfilled in all other areas, but to love someone and be loved back is the greatest gift you can ever receive. I’m just eagerly awaiting the chance to have that again!

I hope all of you have been in love and have loved before. And the nice thing to always think about is the fact that the only constant in life is change and that we all could be in love at this time next year. And sadly the opposite could be true for those of you who are happily in a relationship. 

So I guess what I’m saying is that I’m going to stop complaining about being single too because it could ALWAYS be worse. 🙂

xx

The Curse of The Un-Available Man

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Let me just go ahead and preface this by saying, I am HAMMERED. I had 4 glasses of wine and 2 shots of fireball tonight. The fireball I did at a gay bar so it was totally acceptable, OKAY?

Now that THAT is out of the wayyyyyy, um wtf?

I am a little tiny bitty bit in love with this guy. Which would be awesome if it weren’t for the fact that he is TWENTY FOUR and has a girlfriend. Just to remind all of you, I am THIRTY. Like 3-0. Like way too old to even consider dating this dude, especially because he is a baby. His BODYYYYY though you guys???? I mean, 12 pack central. I want to rub my face into his stomach all day long. But I can’t. Because he is taken. And again, 24.

But this is NOT my fault. FIRST of all, he has been texting me like crazy….and who doesn’t love to have late night text conversations, especially with someone that makes their heart go a flutter? Don’t get me wrong, I’m keeping my emotions in check, but G D if I don’t want to sex him up Color Me Bad style.

Let me explain…I did not ask for this AT ALL. He joined my acting class about a year and a half ago and stayed for a little under a year. I was in that class for 4 years and stayed for about 6 months after he left. I never once considered him to be an option romantically. I thought he was for sure cute, but was so much more into other people at that time that I hardly noticed. And he had a girlfriend from back home in Utah that he was apparently SO in love with. They posted all of their lovey shit on social media all day long.

Fast forward to about a couple months ago. I was DEEP into my drama with Boyband and was barely a functioning human when it came to other men and cute boys. I had blinders on. But he would show up randomly to karaoke sometimes and we would chat and say hey and what are you up to and blah blah….

And then one day he came and something was different. I was attracted, he was attracted, we both felt it. I was pretty buzzed and asked him if he wanted to come watch a basketball game with me and some other friends later in the week and he agreed. We were there at this bar with like 8 other people and yet we couldn’t stop talking to each other. We just hit it off in every way and it was easy and fun and cool.

And THEN one day we were just jokey texting all night and it suddenly started to turn serious. We talked about his girlfriend and their status and he told me secrets about how he wanted to jump my bones. (Insert emoji of the smiley face with all the teeth showing.)

I have no idea what’s going on. I DO NOT want to be a home wrecker and I sure as hell don’t want to be the “other woman”. But I can just feeeeeel the attraction between us SO hard and he’s so my type and….

I know. He has a girlfriend. What can I do? I’M the one who gets hurt in this situation. Because we are currently having an emotional relationship, but he and his girlfriend have that and then some. He has the physical attachment, which I could never compete with, even if we started fucking like rabbits starting tonight. SO, I lose and I need to cut this out.

But I can’t. And what is with this luck anyhow???? The one guy that I am attracted to in FOREVER since Boyband fucked my life up and he is forbidden fruit. What are the odds? And ALSO, can I point out, that he is putting more effort into this “relafriendshipromance” than any dude I have ever dated. WTF?

Maybe the problem is that I am attracted to unavailable men? I mean the last two pseudo-relationships I’ve had were with emotionally stunted dudes, and I’ve ALWAYS been into guys with girlfriends. I chalked it up to being cool with seeing a dude that could commit, but I think it’s more like it’s safe and so there is no risk.

All I know is that I need to take my feelings elsewhere unless I want to get hurt again. There is no way I win in this situation……right????

While we are on this subject, why is every guy in LA suddenly twenty fucking four years old??! I swear every dude I meet is in his early-mid twenties. Or are those the only available guys left? All I know is that I’ve been notorious for dating men that are significantly older than me, and that hasn’t worked out so well, so maybe it’s time for a change. I feel like younger men at least put in more effort. They haven’t been burned and jaded to the point of dead feelings yet.

I need to keep my distance, I know, but the attention I’m getting right now is at least nice.

I’ll keep you updated….

 

xx