Please Take Us On A Date For Fuck’s Sake

I would like to give a rousing, enthusiastic shout-out to all the real men out there who still take girls on dates. Who seek out a girl who they are attracted to, get a phone number, CALL in a reasonable amount of time, and follow through on treating a girl to a night out. This is a rare, endangered breed of man who we all need to try and save.

I feel as though through my very clinical investigative work of being single for almost six years I’ve developed some insight into decoding the behavior of men and exposing your weaknesses. I feel as though you have become clueless on how to successfully court a woman. But don’t worry, I am here to help! And let me begin by saying, IT’S NOT ALL YOUR FAULT!

Women are just as much to blame as men for the state of affairs in the dating world today. I understand that a lot of us have gotten you into thinking that we are more comfortable “chillin'” with you at your place and watching Netflix, or “hangin'” with you and your boys out at a bar. I’m here to tell you: WE ARE NOT. We would like to be taken on dates. They don’t have to be fancy or involve a lot of money spent. But if we are at all romantically interested in you, we would like to spend time with just you at a place that is not your apartment (at least in the beginning).

Here come the excuses:

“But I’m so broke. I can’t afford to take a bunch of girls on dates.” (There are so many places you can take her that are not expensive. http://thoughtcatalog.com/christine-stockton/2014/04/50-fun-cheap-dates-that-arent-netflix/)

“I don’t want to invest in some girl until I know that she’s into me.” (Well, you can start out as friends and spend a lot of time and effort into getting to know her until you are firmly cemented in the friend zone and find out that some other dude swept her off her feet last week if you want.)

“Dating is too formal for me. There are way too many expectations.” (Um, I sometimes feel that way too. We both need to grow up.)

“Rejection sucks.” (I know. I’m glad I’m not a man. But if you never take chances then nothing changes. You’ll wake up at 40 alone and with regret. Which circumstance sucks more?)

“I feel like she is only comfortable in a casual, relaxed setting too though. When I make subtle advances she changes the subject.” (That is only her fear and insecurity talking. If you REALLY like her, you have to push through that. The other option is that she’s just not that into you and hopefully you can sense the difference.)

The thing is, whether it seems like it or not we are definitely impressed when you guys make that full effort. You have a 75% better shot than if you dick around and try to do the “let’s just hang” thing. I understand that that way is more comfortable for everyone involved, but in actuality it involves way more effort and takes way more time than going through the stages of dating. Yes it’s scary and involves you putting yourself out there more, but in the long run if you are truly looking for a partner then it’s necessary.

People are naturally inclined to want to be in a relationship. It’s human nature. God (or whomever you believe created our bodies) gave us the gift of sex so that we would bond with another human being, create a family, and re-populate the world. We have obviously started abusing that gift in modern times, but I still believe that most of us, deep down, feel that urge for coupledom. Who wants to trudge through this challenging world alone? Those people who swear that they “LOVE BEING SINGLE!” are in deep denial and have put their frozen heart in a bulletproof safe surrounded by barbed wire. Unless you haven’t been single in forever or you have just come out of a relationship, it’s always a defense mechanism, in my opinion.

So man the fuck up and stop being so stubborn. I can’t tell you how many guy friends I have that have remained single while I have known them and been on only about a handful of dates. When I press them to figure out why that is, their answer is always some bullshit about “it being too hard” and “needing to focus on themselves”. Do you need to focus on yourself for 3 years? Unless you are Justin Timberlake at 22 who is currently on a world tour then that argument doesn’t really fly. You’re being selfish and in denial and letting so many eligible, beautiful women pass you by. I’m not suggesting that you force yourself to date people you have no interest in, but maybe if you were more open to trying it you could soon experience the most amazing part of life: being in love.

I’ve had other guy friends say things like, “every woman I’ve met is a gold digging hoe”. For those of you who feel that way, I’m sorry you live in such a cynical, superficial world. Maybe you should try running with a different crowd or trying to meet a woman somewhere other than a club. Also, unless you are a professional athlete or Bill Gates I highly doubt that she is just after your money. Don’t flatter yourself.

And ladies, let’s all do our part and stop acting like we are okay with hooking up and hanging out. We are confusing the shit out of men. They have no idea what we want now! Grow up, throw on some high heels, and toss your hair around until some guy notices you. If you are interested, then allow him to ask for your number. If he then proceeds to text you late night to hang out, say no, and then tell him what you want and deserve (nicely, of course). We all have to band together and re-train these dudes. Men haven’t just suddenly become lazy and casual about dating all on their own. If we all start expecting more maybe they will give more.

I used to be that girl who was all, “um, there are no guys asking me out” who would then proceed to never give anyone my phone number when they asked and continue to casually sleep with my neighbor. I was never open to anyone’s advances when they were serious but I would go to a guy’s apartment late night for drinks and then be disappointed when he didn’t ask me to be his girlfriend after a couple months. I never made it easy for anyone and I now take full responsibility for my years of singledom.

Give these guys all the encouragement and clues that they need to ask you out. Be open, be vulnerable, and express happiness when they follow through. Our emotions and sensitivities make us way more hard to read and the guys are just trying to do what they think we want. So stop telling them you “just wanna have fun!” and grow up. Together we can change the trend!

xx

 

Lover Lo

p.s. it’s September 11th and I just want to give love to everyone in the US and especially in New York. #neverforget

Don’t You Dare Pressure A Man To Be Exclusive!

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Why does the mention of a relationship send a guy fleeing?

I was hanging out with some guy friends after work the other night and I was talking about my bad luck with dating. In the 5 and 1-2 years (almost 6 now, who am I kidding?) that I’ve been single, I’ve had two significant guys in my life whom I dated on and off for about a year and a half each that never became serious or exclusive. I definitely wanted that though and I expressed it to both of them. And BOTH of them got all weird and all “I don’t know, let me think about it.” They gave me responses that were whole-heartedly resisting the idea, and they BOTH let me just walk away without much of a protest. When I told my work friend this story he said, “yeah but you can’t pressure a guy like that.”

This becomes quite a dilemma in my sort of feminist and yet sort of traditional brain. Does it have to be the man’s decision when we become exclusive? Listen, I understand the dating “game” and I play by all of the rules as best I can. I don’t push anything too much in the beginning; I let him ask me on the first date, I let him make the first move, and I think it’s nice if they are pursuing and courting. Men are naturally wired to hunt and gather and if you take that away from them they lose interest. 

But sometimes you are dating or hanging out with a guy and you start to get bored and impatient and want to take it to the next level. But ladies, DON’T SAY ANYTHING. You have to let him ask that question or else you run the risk of pushing your caveman (hunter-gatherer, get it?) away. Why is it that any time a girl mentions exclusivity it freaks a guy out?! Is the problem here that they want to be the ones calling all the shots? Or is this a problem of you just aren’t the right girl for them?

Dating is very hard for Alpha control freaks like me because traditionally the woman needs to take a back seat in order for the union to blossom properly. This wisdom has come from years of reading self-help dating books and also years of experiencing how much it doesn’t work when I do the opposite. And to that I can happily comply, but I’m starting to get to a point in my life when I am SO ready for a committed relationship which I hope will develop into marriage, so I don’t have time to dick around with these dudes for months while they decide if they are “ready” for a relationship. 

I realize that there are a lot of extenuating circumstances here that may come into play. For example, ex-sort-of-psuedo-boyfriend #1 was still damaged from a previous relationship that had scarred him for life and ex-sort-of-psuedo-boyfriend #2 was about to go on tour and didn’t want something serious right before he was leaving. Whatever, blah blah blah. Maybe the universe is saying they weren’t the guys for me. Maybe I pushed them too much. And is that the reason they ended? Because I couldn’t chill the f out until they were ready?

Once you are finally chosen by your caveman on his terms, you also have to sit and wait patiently for him to ask you to move in and for your hand in marriage. Wait like a good girl and you can have everything your heart desires! But some people can’t wait that long to get what they want. Remember how Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake were together for like 3 years and Jessica wanted to get married and he didn’t? She decided what was best for her was to leave him so that she could open herself up to someone who was ready for that. But 5 months later Justin came back and asked her to marry him. It’s a very sweet story and gives me a glimmer of hope, but I can’t help but think, “well that’s not going to last now”. He missed her and he knew that if he came back he would HAVE to marry her. YOU CAN’T PRESSURE GUYS LIKE THAT OKAY?!

But again I come back to the conclusion that when it’s right hopefully it will just unfold naturally and easily. The guy will be head over heels for the girl, take her out 6 times before sleeping with her, ask her in the most romantic way to be exclusive, and then dote on her day and night and realize how lucky he is to have her. That is as long as us girls are nothing but a submissive lotus flower who is a prize to be won and doesn’t nag or push and is a blow job fanatic. At least in the beginning. Once he’s nailed down then you can let it all fly. Haha, just kidding. 🙂

xx