How To Lose A Girl in 10 Days

To all of the good men out there: WE SEE YOU. We think you’re great and respectful and loyal and attentive. This essay is not for you. Most of us women have, unfortunately, way more experience with the bad guys of the world than we do with the good ones. The challenge of a bad boy intrigues us and once we get hooked in, it’s way too late. We have to see it out, through all of the heartache, tears, disappointment, and anger. But it makes us appreciate the good ones even more once we finally realize that we deserve that kind of treatment. Please be patient with us as we adjust. 

To all of the not so good men out there: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? Do you want to be alone forever? Do you want to meet your match that is just as shitty as you are and bang around and be miserable together? Do you hate yourself that much? Do you just enjoy sabotaging things for fun? Or are you incapable of experiencing real human emotion and empathy?

Keeping a relationship happy and healthy takes more than just good communication and an unconditional commitment to one another. Those are the absolute basics for a steady foundation. Tell me what you’re thinking and don’t cheat on me. But it takes more than that to stand the test of time. A plant has to be watered every day and can’t survive without it. After a certain point men stop watering the plant, get comfortable, and start to slack on expectations and think that since women are such loyal creatures that we will stick around through all the bullshit no matter what. A woman with a lot of self respect won’t though. It is really awful to break up with someone and we will give our significant other many, many chances to make things right. But repeated offenses of the same things over and over again can get to the point where they are unforgivable. And the men don’t even realize what hit them until it’s really truly over and she’s over it. Because they think, I answer when you text, I show up when I can, and I haven’t put my dick inside anyone else. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?! They’ll say. Well, I’ll tell you…

The most egregious offense is a lack of attention. Women are like dogs: we need constant petting, to be taken out, played with, fed well, and loved. Our relationship is not a part time obligation and the amount of interaction we receive needs to be as consistent as possible. We can’t handle seeing you 3x a week one week and then barely speaking to you the next. That is how you handle a friendship, not a relationship. When there is an emotional attachment involved any changes in behavior or a sudden drop in attention is going to cause anxiety for us. We understand that you have lives and that you need to keep up with your daily obligations separate from us. But there has to be constant effort to be in communication everyday and in making plans to hang out. This is obviously a two-way street, but women don’t usually need to be reminded to keep it up. We CONSTANTLY think about you, want to see you, text you, and tell you how we feel. We’re amazing multi-taskers and can handle having a job, kids, appointments, meetings, hobbies, friends, and still make you our #1 priority. Men can become one track minded, especially when it comes to work, so just REMIND yourself constantly that attention must be paid. Honestly, a woman could have zero feelings for someone and if he shows her constant attention she could very likely fall in love with him. That’s how important it is. 

The next worst offense, in my opinion, is bad listening skills. Obviously some of us are just more blessed with a better short term memory than others. But when you really truly care about someone you genuinely want to know every thought that goes through their head, every emotion, every childhood memory and story, and every experience and 9 times out of 10 will remember it unless you’re zoning out. A person that you don’t love could tell you a story and it would be normal to zone out during the details, or have to have them repeat it again once or twice. But with someone you love, it gets absorbed into your mind. If that’s not happening, it’s showing us that you don’t give a shit. I dated a guy once who I would quiz on certain details about my life that I was 100% sure I had told him several times. I would ask him when my birthday is, how many siblings I have, what I majored in in college. And when he struggled to answer those basic questions I knew that he wasn’t really that into me. Or maybe he was and he just wasn’t making listening well a priority. It needs to be a priority. Drink gingko biloba tea, do more crossword puzzles, or meditate to clear your mind so there is more space for your girls’ details. We remember all the dumb shit you tell us. We love to surprise you with a Christmas gift that you mentioned liking in the store that one time. We want to buy you tickets to see a game with your favorite sports team. We want to remember all the names of your family members so that we can impress you (and them) when you take us home for the holidays with you. 

Which leads me to my next point. Not spending holidays, birthdays, special events, and social engagements together is unacceptable. How many times do we have to make excuses for you when you bail on us for things that you, “don’t like” doing. I don’t like going to all of the parties and celebrations that I’m obligated to go to either but it’s a chance to spend time together and be social. I was in a relationship with someone for years when he said he couldn’t come to my best friend’s birthday party with me because he had a wedding to go to. It was the double whammy of leaving me to go solo for the 3rd year in a row to my friend’s party and also not taking me as his date to the wedding. This is something that women will never be able to comprehend. How could you NOT want someone there with you that you can whisper to about how the bridesmaids’ dresses are ugly or use as an excuse to leave early or dance with? Women never want to go to a social function alone especially when everyone else is coupled up. When we have that moment of discomfort when no one is really talking to us we have to anxiously check our phone instead of find you and insert ourselves in your conversation. If you’re the type of guy who wants to go everywhere and do everything alone then be alone. Why be in a relationship with someone you don’t want to share the special moments in life with?

The last, most hurtful offense is not talking about the future. A good guy with available emotions who cares about you will talk about this subject endlessly. A not so good guy will skirt around it at every opportunity. We’ve all been hurt, we’re all afraid of rejection, we all understand that sometimes things don’t work out. That’s life. If we’re not in this relationship with at least the POSSIBILITY of settling down together then what is the point? Seriously! Are you dating us to pass the time? Are we just a pit stop on your way to the person who you  really want to be with? Are you unsure about us? Because when you scoff, laugh, or make light of the subject that is exactly what you are communicating to us. We don’t need to see a detailed sketch of the engagement ring you’ve been planning for us since the day we met, but we need some indication that there can and will be progress. Meeting your family/friends, going on a trip, and discussing moving in together are all good indicators. There’s no time frame for these types of things to HAVE to happen but if it’s not happening in a reasonable time frame then you will know by how your girl starts to behave. Insecure. Anxious. Nagging. These are some of the lovely labels she will get honored with once you start to drag your feet. There is only so long we can “date” you before we get restless. Before we want to insert the Judge Judy gif where she’s tapping her watch and slapping the bench into all of our conversations. You will wear her down at a certain point to where she will let it go and just cruise along. But that bit of resentment will still be festering in the back of her head until she unleashes it again at, probably, the most inopportune moment. So shit or get off the pot. 

I’m obviously generalizing greatly about what most women want and need but I feel pretty confident in saying that the MAJORITY feels this same way, whether they are being honest about it or not. It’s really not rocket science and it really doesn’t take THAT much to keep us happy. It seems like common sense and yet this is a common issue that I and my friends have experienced with countless men. You’re going to keep losing people you care about along the way if you can’t manage to at least PRETEND to be one of the good guys. Women can easily do all of this stuff without questioning any of it, why can’t you?

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How Much Did They Pay You To Give Up On Your Dreams?

Hey guys!!!

Sorry I’ve been a little MIA lately. It’s because I was invited to be a contributing writer for the site Elite Daily and today they published my first article!!! I’m so excited! Please like it on their site and share it around so that they will keep publishing me!

http://elitedaily.com/life/much-pay-give-dreams/816492/

xx

Lover Lo

I’m Just Not (That Into You) Ready

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I’ve heard a lot of guys say recently that they aren’t “ready for a relationship”. I’ve heard this phrase uttered to me a couple of times from guys I’ve dated and I’ve also heard it said by several guy friends, generally. It really grinds my gears when I hear that because what I feel is being said in the subtext is, “I’m too lazy to think of someone else’s needs besides my own and I would rather play video games in my darkened living room and smoke weed than go with you to lunch and street fairs on weekends.” In other words: “I’m selfish.” I was starting to wonder if this was a by-product of living in LA and/or being a part of the Millennial generation because I have A LOT of pretty, awesome, smart girlfriends who are single too. 

But doesn’t it seem like if a guy met the girl of his dreams that no matter what he was going through he would automatically be “ready”? That by saying he isn’t ready what he really means is he just hasn’t met “the one” yet? I was starting to feel as though the the guys who had given me that excuse just weren’t that into me. I had to do some investigating to get to the bottom of it and so I asked for feedback from my male Facebook friends and these were my favorite responses…

1. “speaking from past experience, I can say that I have known before that I was not ready for a relationship because I didn’t completely love who I was, so I couldn’t actually completely love anyone else. Because your outside world is a reflection of your inside world. If you only see chaos, its because you only see chaos inside, and by the law of attraction, you will only serve to create more chaos for yourself and within whoever you’re in close proximity with. I felt it would be extremely irresponsible to pin that on another person, so I chose not to date anyone.”

2. “I’ve had times in my life where I haven’t been up to that task because sometimes, whether I was coming out of a big relationship, focusing on work or art, or maybe in a rough place emotionally, that I wasn’t able to put someone else’s feelings that high on the priority list. Personally, that just normally meant I wouldn’t look to date at all, but I have been in situations where I would be casually dating and the person I was seeing wanted more than I felt I had the capacity to give at the time.”

3. “I think the term “I’m just not ready for something” can be used sincerely by guys and/or selfishly. If someone has just gotten out of a very hurtful relationship it takes a while to prepare yourself for a new one. That definitely happened to me for a while.”

4. “when someone says they’re not ready for a relationship, what they mean is they’re not ready for the relationship that the other person wants (or what they think that person wants). More simply put–“Right now, I don’t want what you want.” 
I would argue, though, that hearing this is a good thing–even though it’s not what we would like to hear from someone we’re interested in. They’re very clearly saying that they are not someone you should spend any more time or energy on in a committed relationship way. Basically, allowing you to stop opening up to them and move on. At first it sucks because you don’t get what you want, but in the end you have the chance to go out and meet the “real one.””

5. “In the end, it’s a fluid situation. Some people really aren’t ready. Some people say this as an excuse–which means they aren’t ready! Some people aren’t ready until the moment that they are. Some people have to build to that moment. Some think they’re ready and find out that they aren’t.”

What I learned from this little experiment is that my male friends are highly evolved and insightful and that men are not these simple minded immature individuals who are devoid of emotion and pain. I love to think that men are very easy to figure out and “he’s just not that into you” is the only answer you ever need when someone lets you walk out of their life. But men are just as complicated as women and sometimes they do really just need to be alone to figure themselves and their shit out without dragging you along for the ride. A couple of the guys I surveyed agreed that “I’m not ready” CAN be used as an excuse (just as easily as women would use that as an excuse) but is not always the case. I love to take cheap shots and just accuse my past lovers of being selfish, but relationships are hard and if you don’t have the capacity to give to someone else then by letting them go you are actually being somewhat selfless and allowing them to find someone who does have the capacity (see #4 above). 

When this type of situation happens I have to remind myself to “go to where the love is”. I’ve had times in my life where I wasn’t able to give the kind of love the guy I was seeing deserved. When I first moved to LA I was still healing from a brutal breakup and I wanted nothing more than to be single but didn’t want to experience the loneliness and pain I knew I would go through so I used a new boyfriend as a way to come down gently. (DON’T DO THAT to someone.) I should’ve told that guy that I wasn’t ready. That would have been the right thing to do. He needed to go to where the love is and if you are ready for a relationship then you need to go to where the love is. Find the guys who are open and ready and want to share their life with someone. There are signs when they don’t feel this way, we just choose to ignore them, and then they are forced to have the “I’m just not ready” talk. 

Life and relationships are messy and people aren’t so black and white. You do you and wait for the right one and instead of hearing “I’m not ready” he will write a love song about you called “All of Me” and make your heart melt.* 

*In my secret dreams John Legend is my boyfriend.

xx