Let Go and Let it Flow

I was at a bar with my friend Emily* the other night and we were talking about my recent breakup. For the most part I’ve been handling it pretty well, aside from some residual anger and PMS tears, and I think it really took her by surprise.

“One of two things are going to happen. I’m either going to get back together with Ben* and things are going to be different or I’m going to find someone else who is better suited for me,” I told her.

“How are you able to be so at peace with everything?” She wondered. She was mostly asking that question to help her learn how to move forward after her own heartaches.

“Honestly, Abraham Hicks has changed everything for me,” I replied.

I promptly set her up with my favorite Abraham Hicks channel on YouTube so that she could begin listening to some of her lectures. If you don’t know who Abraham Hicks is, she teaches about the law of attraction through, in a VERY simplified explanation, the same ideas as The Secret and the Buddhist religion.

Emily was confused after the first lecture she heard, but I encouraged her to keep listening. This essay is not an advertisement for her teachings and I have nothing to gain from telling other people to seek her out. I just know how miraculous the changes in my emotions and behavior have been since I started listening and making an effort to shift my perspective.

And I started to realize something. Most of the pain and disappointment in my life comes from a place of feeling out of control. Abraham, Buddhists, and probably the authors of “The Secret” (I’ve never read it), know that trying to control everything is the complete antithesis to leading a peaceful and happy life. I’m a control freak by nature and while it can make me a good leader and allow me get a lot of shit done, it also causes me so much anger, sadness, and anxiety if things don’t go how I imagined them to go.

So while I was in peak heartache mode of my relationship as it was crumbling, I was able to realize where all of the despair was coming from. I was feeling a lack of control so strong and I knew the only thing that could make me feel better was to just let go and give up. I’m using the phrase “give up” purposefully because I could’ve stayed in the relationship and let go of control. But I was too far gone. I was spinning so far out of control because of my desperate need to control.

I had to start from scratch and get rid of what was causing me to be so “out of alignment” (that is a phrase that Abraham uses frequently.) And once I let go of that need to control how the relationship was going, I felt such an intense feeling of RELIEF. I felt so much better than I had at any point in the 6 months prior.

And now I know that in the aftermath of what happened, the way to feel really bad about it is to freak out about what’s going to happen in my love life now or despair about the loss. SO many people can’t stand the uncertainty and they jump into something else, or they jump back with the ex, or they sign up for every dating app to make sure they’re desirable again, or they focus on what went wrong and how they should have done things differently. I’ve been there so many times and it’s completely useless.

I have no idea what the future will bring with Ben or with anyone. It’s not my job to know or to force it. It’s only my job to control what I can and should control, which is how I’m feeling. I choose to feel good so I’m only going to focus on what feels good. And that means letting go of the need to fill this gap. Being single again is not at all what I saw for myself and my future with Ben, but I’m making the best of it. All I can do is clean up my vibration. Good things come to those who are vibrating good things.

And after feeling so at peace about that, I started thinking about all the other areas of my life that have caused me to stress out. My career being the main one. A type A person like me can’t STAND not being able to control my own destiny through sheer hard work and determination. I’ve followed the steps and taken all kinds of action and I still am not where I want to be. But I know how much my need for control has been blocking the law of attraction from working its magic. The harder I worked at the success the more frustrated I became and the less I believed it would happen.

Anyone who is in the business of the arts knows that no matter how hard you work, sometimes you never catch that break. Some of the most talented people aren’t working today. But those same talented people might have a disbelief that they deserve success and it blocks them from attracting what they are seeking. Some people are afraid of feeling out of control once they achieve the success. There are many reasons it might not be happening for those people, but it’s absolutely necessary to know you are going to get what you are wanting and not try to control how it gets there and when.

So as that becomes the main focus in my life I’ve started feeling better and better and more encouraged than ever. I don’t need to know how or with whom I’m going to build a life with and I don’t need to know when or in what way I’m going to become successful. It’s all going to happen one way or another.

Let go and let it flow.

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The Post Breakup Rage Stage

I’m angry. No, correction, I’m FUCKING angry. So angry, in fact, that I have these dream fantasies about screaming in my ex’s face about how selfish he is. I want to get revenge in some way. I want to say something that will really hurt his feelings so that he will experience the pain and anguish that I had been feeling.

Notice that I say “had” been feeling. Apparently once you move out of the stage of crying every night and randomly throughout the day, feeling numb, eating your feelings, and watching too many reruns of Sex and the City, you move into the I FUCKING HATE YOU stage. I guess anger is better than sadness, but anger makes you want to DO something whereas sadness makes you not want to do ANYTHING. I want to punch him in the face, fuck one of his friends, or post some really provocative shit on social media.

And speaking of social media, the thing I’ve latched onto lately as making me the MOST angry is that he seems to be fine and going on with his life according to his Instagram photos. He’s all over New York smiling and making jokes like he didn’t just lose the love of his life. Asshole.

And then because I’m angry about that, I start feeling angry about all the things he didn’t do and all the ways he disappointed me in the relationship. Which is good I guess, but those feelings have no where to go. All it does it ruin my mood and put a bad vibe out into the universe.

I was the one who orchestrated the breakup, I know. But that doesn’t mean that I wanted it. Part of me feels like he wanted out and so he let the relationship get to such a bad place that it forced ME to end it. I’ve analyzed every possibility in the book and yet thinking about it and trying to rationalize any of it only makes me feel worse. But the least he could do is fade from existence for a while until this has all blown over.

Stop thinking about him. Focus on yourself. Move forward. You deserve better.

I have to repeat those statements to myself all throughout the day. Some days are fine and I can make it out alive with only fleeting thoughts of what was or what could have been. But other days I feel like I’m just floating through life without any direction or purpose anymore. Everything feels weird and not quite right.

And the weirdest thing is, about a week after it happened I felt mostly okay! I felt like I was being released from the shackles of my own pain and suffering from within the relationship. I was free from the disappointment and crushed expectations. But now what’s left is the empty hole where his presence used to be. Even though I didn’t have his presence as much as I wanted it or in the way that I wanted it, I still had it.

So it comes to a point where I either have to accept that it’s really over for good and treat it like a death, or hold onto the idea that we will get back together eventually. Those are really the only two options. The latter is a very dangerous path to go down and will keep me stuck and hanging on instead of moving forward. So death is it, I guess. I mean how do you reconcile going from talking (or at least texting) with someone everyday to absolutely nothing?

The only other option is to use the pent up energy for someone new. But the idea of being with someone new is way too scary for me. Plus it only prolongs the mourning and isn’t really fair to the other person. I’m not going to be able to fuck my ex out of my mind and heart.

Part of me feels like he owes me something. He owes me an apology for not giving enough of himself. Or he owes me some fucking tears because I sure gave him a lot of those! I don’t need closure or anything, I guess I just wanted more of a reaction out of him. All I have is silence. One of the biggest problems I had with him is I felt like he didn’t care enough. About anything. He’s showing me that I was right. Whether that is deliberate or not.

As we get older, each new failed relationship just piles on the baggage and the cynicism. It’s hard to believe that I have to go back into the horrible dating world. Or get used to someone else’s quirks and habits. Ease myself into showing someone new my face with no makeup on. Go back into the cycle of: does he like me? will he call? what does this text mean? It’s exhausting to even think about.

I know, I know. Obviously I’m just not ready to move on yet. I just need to find a new outlet to manage this anger and come to terms with the finality of the breakup. Because if not, I run the risk of becoming that girl who thinks there are no good men in LA or that they’re all afraid of commitment. I don’t want to become an angry, bitter person. I’ve been that person before and she was not fun to be around.

He did the best he could. I can’t be mad at him for only going as far as he was capable of. But I might have to block him on Instagram so I don’t have to see him thriving without me.