You Don’t Even KNOW Single…


You know what’s fucking annoying??

Those people who complain about being single when they have only been single for about 5 fucking minutes. Oh, you’ve been single for a year? POOR YOU! Try FIVE years. You have been on the market for many months and are becoming frustrated with boys and dating? Oh okay, well again, try feeling that for many YEARS.

There is a GIF that has been going around on Buzzfeed/Jezebel/Gawker for a while of Adele shrugging her shoulders and saying, “I’m always single.” Really, Adele? You were maybe 22 at the oldest when that interview happened? And your albums 19 and 21 were all songs written about former lovers? Are you considering your “always single” time starting from age SIX? You don’t know what it’s like, sweetie. Nope. 

That girl Amy who I devoted a whole post about (Why Can’t You Be More Like Amy?) has literally never been single in her adult life and had the gall to try and give me advice about MY life when I told her I was starting to delve into indifference about dating. She said:

“And that’s when it always happens. When you stop looking for it. That’s how it happened for me.”

Fueled by alcohol and a growing disdain for her I lashed out and said:

“What do you know about it, Amy? You had overlapping relationships! You still had a boyfriend living with you when you started dating your current boyfriend! You have no idea what it’s like!”

I had steam coming out of my ears after that exchange because it was so insulting for her to try and relate to me when she will never experience the type of loneliness I have. I’m not suicidal or something, but the kind of thoughts that go through your brain when you are constantly alone for every holiday and family function and wedding and vacation at the age that I am will never compare to her two week hiatus from a pillow buddy.

She doesn’t know what it’s like to experience the cycle of hope to anger to disgust to apathy to hope again and then to bitterness about dating on the regular. It’s exhausting. One day you put a big smile on your face and scream, “I am a happy, healthy woman who is in a relationship with MYSELF! All you need is self-love, people!” and then the next day you’re crying in the shower because you woke up feeling empty for the umpteenth time and on the way to the bathroom you stubbed your toe and there was no one there to comfort you.

You don’t know single until you literally can’t even remember the last time you had a crush or went on a date. You don’t know single until you’ve gone A YEAR AND A HALF without having sex.

My co-worker was complaining the other day while we were on break about having gone SOOOO LONG without sex and I asked her exactly how long we were talking. “A couple months”, she replied. I almost choked on my seaweed salad. I one-upped her by telling her about my even-more-perpetually-single-than-me friend Allison who had gone almost four years without it. Honestly if I went more than 2 I would probably have a nervous breakdown. And I don’t even care about sex all that much if I’m being honest (and don’t freak out, I just mean relationships are more important to me than empty sex with randos). But everyone needs that type of release OCCASIONALLY. 

You don’t know single until you have an SSB ritual that you engage in on most drunken nights that is absolutely absurd. (If you don’t know what SSB is and you are a female, shame on you. It’s from Sex and the City and it means “secret single behavior.” Fuck, I miss that show.) I’m not going to FULLY divulge mine, hence the “secret” part, but I will tell you that it usually involves me eating peanut butter with a spoon and filming myself playing rap songs acoustically on my guitar. 

Come talk to me when you have read a self-help book. 

Come talk to me when you’ve considered dating someone who is 7 years younger than you because you are running out of options.

Come talk to me when you have been to the movies by yourself more than once a month.

Give me advice when you have started a blog/journal/diary in order to give your emotions an outlet.

Give me advice when you are going to regular therapy to avoid becoming an alcoholic or depending on Valium.

Until then, shut the fuck up and enjoy your vanilla boyfriend that you settled for. 

At least I have been in one serious relationship with a man I was madly in love with. I feel grateful for having experienced that. There is a girl who I am friends with on Facebook who revealed in a post (don’t ever reveal things like this in a public post) that at 34 she had never been in love. Can you imagine a world so bleak? 

Obviously there is more to life than having a boyfriend and I am extremely happy and fulfilled in all other areas, but to love someone and be loved back is the greatest gift you can ever receive. I’m just eagerly awaiting the chance to have that again!

I hope all of you have been in love and have loved before. And the nice thing to always think about is the fact that the only constant in life is change and that we all could be in love at this time next year. And sadly the opposite could be true for those of you who are happily in a relationship. 

So I guess what I’m saying is that I’m going to stop complaining about being single too because it could ALWAYS be worse. 🙂


Why Does Dating a Good Guy Seem So Boring?


Why does dating a good guy seem so boring?

This is a question that I’ve been thinking about a lot in the past couple days. When everything is going RIGHT and a guy is calling on time and texting regularly, taking you to dinner and paying, giving compliments, and treating you nicely there is nothing to worry about. And when there is nothing to worry about you feel calm and peaceful. And when you feel calm and peaceful you can concentrate on the other stressful things in your life such as your job. And when you concentrate on your job your productivity goes up and you get promoted. When you get promoted you feel amazing and life is good…

When everything is going WRONG and a guy is giving you mostly crumbs and only texting you late night to “hang out”, responding to texts hours later if at all, and emotionally unavailable you start to feel a sense of want and need. When you feel a sense of want and need you think you feel excited and think that you crave this guy. When you crave this guy you start to obsess in your mind all of the ways that you could maybe run into him or carefully construct a text that would make him HAVE to respond back. When you obsess your mind starts to wander at work and your productivity tanks and you feel like you might be crazy in LOVE! When you think you’re crazy in love you get butterflies, but not the good kind.

When you’re dating a bad guy you get butterflies of fear because you are not getting the reassurance and security that you are worthy and that you deserve attention. A good guy knows that he should be available and present so that he doesn’t give his lady those feelings of fear. So why does that feel boring?

I think as far as I’m concerned, and I think a lot of girls would agree, it’s because I’m just not used to it. The fear butterflies feel fun and scary and mysterious. It’s like tasting a really great dessert and then having it snatched out of your hand after only one bite. You want more, more, more! But after a while, and definitely at a certain age, that shit starts to get old. If you really want a relationship, then the only guy you can allow into your life is a good one. And sometimes good guys can become bad guys in theory if they aren’t ready for a relationship, so it’s important not to chase them if they seem unavailable. 

As I near the age of 30 (like, in less than a month, vomit), I think I am finally ready for a good guy. The one who is nice and polite and treats me well. The one who I don’t get into constant fights with and then have passionate make-up sex with only to repeat the cycle the next week. That doesn’t mean he can’t also be cool and interesting and awesome. And it also doesn’t mean there won’t be fights. But it will be fighting in a respectful way. It’s like comparing Mr. Big and Aiden from Sex and the City. Through most of my 20’s I wanted Mr. Big and was SO happy when Carrie ended up with him. But now that I am edging out of that decade I want an Aiden. I want a guy who will show up to my best friend’s mom’s funeral in Philly even though I told him not to. I want a guy who will sign the fucking wedding card without making a big deal about it. I want a guy who isn’t afraid to call me his girl. (Those are all Sex and the City references. I still don’t have cable and that’s all I’ve been watching for a week and a half. Sorry.)

Good guys aren’t boring. They’re amazing. They build you up instead of break you down. Sign me up.