The “I Don’t Want To Have Sex Yet” Dance

For most women, a first date is a pleasurable event. If you are going out with someone who you even remotely like, a first date is a great time to get to know someone new, see if there is chemistry, and assess compatibility levels. There is usually very little pressure, so you can just enjoy getting dressed up and going out even if you don’t meet your soul mate.

At the end of the night, for both the guy and girl, there is usually some slight anxiety surrounding whether to kiss or not. Sometimes you will sit in the car for 20 minutes and talk mindlessly about surface level subjects while gauging if there is interest in the kiss. The female will sit with sweaty palms wondering whether or not she should just get the hint and say goodnight, while the male is usually wondering if his breath is okay and how he can go about doing it without seeming awkward.

But this is small potatoes compared to what comes next.

Once you get that first date under your belt and you feel pretty confident that there is a mutual interest, most people move on to a second date. The second date means there is progress in the relationship, which also means there will probably be progress in intimacy, if not then, then in the near future.

And from there is when all of the questions come in.

“Is it acceptable to sleep with him on the second date?”

“How many dates should I wait to sleep with him?”

“How fast is too fast and at what point do you know he won’t just hit it and quit it?”

“Do I have to wait for him to have the exclusivity talk with me first?” (Yeah right, but most self help books tell me to!?)

“How far CAN we go without it being pretty much sex anyway?”

My mind always goes into panic mode as soon as I know I will be seeing a guy for a second time. It’s pretty rare, as I am of the “one and done” mindset, so when it happens, all of the above questions start swirling through my brain. Formal dating means that there are “rules”, unlike with hooking up, so if you make an error early on it could mean game over.

When it comes to sex, we all know that men typically attribute a lot less emotion and value to the physical act. It’s less likely to make them feel attached or vulnerable as it is with women, so they don’t have to worry about it as much. In fact, a lot of men tend to lose interest in a woman if she gives it up too quickly. So knowing this, most women I know tend to put a lot of emphasis on waiting to have sex if they truly want a long term relationship.

So, therein lies the predicament. How is one to gauge when it is appropriate to sleep with someone and how can one stop it from happening? Because we all know that once the making out starts it’s damn near impossible to stop it from escalating, especially if there is alcohol involved.

Here are some easy ways you can avoid the whole mess until you are ready:

1. Don’t drink alcohol after the first date. (I don’t know about you, but that is not realistic for me.)

2. Don’t go to either of your places. (And keep making out in the car? That’s awkward after one time.)

3. Make it a day date! (FRIEND ZONE.)

4. Be on your period. (Haha, ew.)

5. Tell him you are just not ready yet. (You can get away with that for one night. After that, you start seeming like a tease if you are continuing to escalate the making out/foreplay.)

Inevitably for me I usually end up back at the guy’s place after the 2nd/3rd date. And almost always the scene goes something like this:

*Hand up my skirt*

“Stop,” I say. (Btw, STOP usually means a yellow light to most guys and most girls usually intend for it to be taken that way.)

*Unhook the bra*

*Try to take off my shirt*

“Stop.”

At this point I will usually stop whatever we are doing to cool out for a minute. But it will just start up again 5 minutes later.

“Okay, I’m gonna go now.”

“Stay. I won’t try to have sex with you,” he says, lying though his teeth.

“Okay,” I say, naively, sometimes actually believing it.

*Get into the bed*

*Start making out again*

*Hands roam everywhere*

*Sex*

END SCENE

“Well gee, Lover Lo, why the hell would you sleep over in his bed if you weren’t planning on having sex?” You ask. That’s a perfectly legitimate question, which is why I usually end up putting out.

That’s why this is such a challenge. Because we want it just as much as the guy wants it. We have to keep dodging and dancing around until we just can’t take it anymore, and sometimes that can only last until the end of the night of the first date!

Most guys will tell you that how fast you sleep with them has little to no bearing on whether or not the relationship will have longevity. My brother is engaged to a girl he met in a bar and slept with that same night. But more often than not men like a challenge, so I am under the impression that we should be more willing to give them that.

Here’s to hoping that I can test this out with the next guy. I don’t know how long I will make him wait or how I will be able to pull off not progressing to the bedroom too quick, but I’m still single after 6 years, so I am willing to try.

 

xx,

 

Lover Lo

 

 

 

Threesomes

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I’m starting to feel like such a prude these days.

I know of 2 girls in my friend group who have recently had threesomes with their bf’s and another girl. And after that shocking news I was watching the newest episode of Mad Men last night and there’s Don Draper having one with his wife Megan and Megan’s friend. Are threesomes the new normal for couples? Or maybe not even new? Is this something most couples do and I’m just super naive about it?

I can understand wanting to spice up your sex life now and again, but how on earth can you just sit and watch as someone else performs sexual acts on your husband/boyfriend? I would sooner die then sit back and let that happen no matter how drunk/drugged/fucked up I am. NO THANKS. If I even saw my lover KISS another woman I would cut off his dick and put it in a jar under the sink (that is a line from American Beauty, aka, the greatest movie of all time).

I also just don’t understand the idea that most girls are cool with hooking up with another girl, which again makes me feel like a prude. Is that something that I’m weird for not wanting to do? I’ve learned since moving to LA that most people fall on a gay/straight sort of spectrum and that not everything is so black and white, so it shouldn’t be odd that some women are cool with same sex sex. BUT what about threesomes with 2 guys and girl? How often do you hear of that happening with two guys who claim to be straight? NEVERRRRR.

Which leads me to believe that there is something fishy going on. Hey girl, do you reallllly wanna hook up with another girl and watch your boyfriend get a blow job by someone else. Yes? LIAR. I don’t believe you. I think that these girls are having threesomes solely FOR THEIR MAN. And it makes me sad. Why do feel like you have to compromise yourself in order to please him? Are you alone not good enough? 

I think these girls are so frightened of losing their man that they need to be the “cool chick” who is “up for anything” and in the process feel like shit about themselves. You can say that maybe they felt empowered by it and that it was thrilling to do something different, and my friends tried to say all of these things, but my gut tells me that they aren’t being fully truthful.

Can we just please start being honest about what’s up?

“I haven’t gotten any in months and the only way I could was to bring in a 3rd party”

“I felt my boyfriend was getting bored and was afraid he might stray. So why not bring a girl in so that he doesn’t do it behind my back?”

“I really want to do something nice for my man for his birthday/our anniversary so I thought he would love 2 girls instead of one. It’s not what I want but I’ll do it for him.”

I’m trying to be really open minded and I realize that everyone is different. But I can’t help but feel that most women are wired the same way and since we are so emotionally attached to sex that having a threesome would be more dramatic than these women lead on. Men can have sex and not feel anything. It’s scientifically proven. Women have a harder time doing that and really connect sex more with love and worth than just physical pleasure. 

On Mad Men it was all over Megan’s face that she felt completely embarrassed and ashamed of her sex act the next morning. Don acted like it was no big deal and she wanted to feel that way too but obviously couldn’t. 

I just wish that women could realize that they are enough and that a good man deserves only her and nothing more. I think if you are at the point of threesomes in the relationship than there are bigger problems happening that one person is too nervous to bring up.

Or maybe I’m just a prude??

And if I am a prude and this kind of behavior is normal then what chance do I have to be in a real relationship if most other girls are putting that kind of thing on the table? I definitely won’t compromise myself in order to have that, but I’m starting to feel a little dull and vanilla. I only have my one body to offer. If a guy is coming off of a relationship with a girl who was “cool” with threesomes is he going to stray when he is with me? 

I hope that when the right guy comes along he will shrug it off when I tell him I’m just not comfortable with it. He will have to watch some porn if he wants to experience that.

We are in the age of low attention spans and multi-tasking, and I am the queen of that, but I gotta tell ya, it seems like there is just too much going on in that situation to even enjoy it. Who knows, maybe I will change my mind one day. But for now I think I want to stick to one person in the boudoir. 

If you totally disagree with me please leave a comment. I would seriously love to know how you feel about it!!!

xx

 

Don’t You Dare Pressure A Man To Be Exclusive!

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Why does the mention of a relationship send a guy fleeing?

I was hanging out with some guy friends after work the other night and I was talking about my bad luck with dating. In the 5 and 1-2 years (almost 6 now, who am I kidding?) that I’ve been single, I’ve had two significant guys in my life whom I dated on and off for about a year and a half each that never became serious or exclusive. I definitely wanted that though and I expressed it to both of them. And BOTH of them got all weird and all “I don’t know, let me think about it.” They gave me responses that were whole-heartedly resisting the idea, and they BOTH let me just walk away without much of a protest. When I told my work friend this story he said, “yeah but you can’t pressure a guy like that.”

This becomes quite a dilemma in my sort of feminist and yet sort of traditional brain. Does it have to be the man’s decision when we become exclusive? Listen, I understand the dating “game” and I play by all of the rules as best I can. I don’t push anything too much in the beginning; I let him ask me on the first date, I let him make the first move, and I think it’s nice if they are pursuing and courting. Men are naturally wired to hunt and gather and if you take that away from them they lose interest. 

But sometimes you are dating or hanging out with a guy and you start to get bored and impatient and want to take it to the next level. But ladies, DON’T SAY ANYTHING. You have to let him ask that question or else you run the risk of pushing your caveman (hunter-gatherer, get it?) away. Why is it that any time a girl mentions exclusivity it freaks a guy out?! Is the problem here that they want to be the ones calling all the shots? Or is this a problem of you just aren’t the right girl for them?

Dating is very hard for Alpha control freaks like me because traditionally the woman needs to take a back seat in order for the union to blossom properly. This wisdom has come from years of reading self-help dating books and also years of experiencing how much it doesn’t work when I do the opposite. And to that I can happily comply, but I’m starting to get to a point in my life when I am SO ready for a committed relationship which I hope will develop into marriage, so I don’t have time to dick around with these dudes for months while they decide if they are “ready” for a relationship. 

I realize that there are a lot of extenuating circumstances here that may come into play. For example, ex-sort-of-psuedo-boyfriend #1 was still damaged from a previous relationship that had scarred him for life and ex-sort-of-psuedo-boyfriend #2 was about to go on tour and didn’t want something serious right before he was leaving. Whatever, blah blah blah. Maybe the universe is saying they weren’t the guys for me. Maybe I pushed them too much. And is that the reason they ended? Because I couldn’t chill the f out until they were ready?

Once you are finally chosen by your caveman on his terms, you also have to sit and wait patiently for him to ask you to move in and for your hand in marriage. Wait like a good girl and you can have everything your heart desires! But some people can’t wait that long to get what they want. Remember how Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake were together for like 3 years and Jessica wanted to get married and he didn’t? She decided what was best for her was to leave him so that she could open herself up to someone who was ready for that. But 5 months later Justin came back and asked her to marry him. It’s a very sweet story and gives me a glimmer of hope, but I can’t help but think, “well that’s not going to last now”. He missed her and he knew that if he came back he would HAVE to marry her. YOU CAN’T PRESSURE GUYS LIKE THAT OKAY?!

But again I come back to the conclusion that when it’s right hopefully it will just unfold naturally and easily. The guy will be head over heels for the girl, take her out 6 times before sleeping with her, ask her in the most romantic way to be exclusive, and then dote on her day and night and realize how lucky he is to have her. That is as long as us girls are nothing but a submissive lotus flower who is a prize to be won and doesn’t nag or push and is a blow job fanatic. At least in the beginning. Once he’s nailed down then you can let it all fly. Haha, just kidding. 🙂

xx

Friends With Benefits

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Friends with benefits sounds like the most amazing idea ever, in theory. You get to have sexy time with someone you already know and like on the reg and you don’t have to deal with any of the relationship b.s. that normal couples face. You can focus on yourself and your career and when you go out with your girlfriends you can meet up with the FWB and have amazing, sloppy sex at the end of the night and not even have to stay over and spoon with a hot, sweaty body (unless you want to, of course, which is your choice!) AMAZING! SIGN ME UP! 

But if you think you can make that kind of a relationship work for the long-term, then you are either fooling yourself or you’re a robot. Because inevitably feelings are going to get involved and it’s very rare that it’s going to end well. Most of us are not sex addicts or animals and consistent intimacy with someone is bound to do weird things to your heart and brain. In the best case scenario (which never happens, trust) you will end up in a serious relationship, but in my experience that usually involves a breakup first. Because how else can this evolve? One will try to define it and the other one will freak out because they liked the way things were going, so quit trying to label it, they’ll say. The former will feel insecure and start acting out and playing games and cause more fighting until you’re both left empty and exhausted. 

Being stuck in that “grey area” purgatory is enough to drive even the most sane person absolutely fucking nuts. Even if you feel like you will never develop an attachment, you will. Even if you feel like you won’t care if they turn you down to hang out because they have plans already, you will. Even if you think you will be fine if he/she doesn’t answer your text within 24 hours, you won’t.  

I’ve had many experiences with this kind of a relationship and it’s emotionally draining and miserable. You’re stuck in a soul sucking vortex where you check your lover’s social media every hour and try to will them to text you all the while failing to concentrate on your tasks for the day. You feel so lucky and slightly fulfilled if you even get one interaction a week. You think that when they compliment your hair or give you a ride somewhere that it’s THE NICEST THING EVER! But then you don’t hear from him/her for 4 days and it sends you into a anxious spiral where you do nothing but listen to Adele and drink wine to calm down and numb the hurt. And suddenly you feel like you might actually have serious emotional problems and you start googling cheap therapists. But I am here to tell YOU and MYSELF that you are not crazy and you deserve SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT. 

I’d like to think that the real man or woman that you’re meant to be with will not require so much work, especially emotionally. For whatever reason that person is not for you or the timing is off or they haven’t gotten over their ex yet, blah blah blah. Maybe you are the person that doesn’t want to take it to the next level for those reasons. But for the love of god, then be alone and stop dragging other people through your shit. 

What’s even worse about this kind of circumstance is that maybe you didn’t even find that person very attractive or like them that much to begin with and suddenly everything they do and say is adorable and sexy because your hormones and oxytocin tricked you.

If you want to have a bunch of sex, fine. Do it with different people who aren’t close friends and make sure they know the parameters ahead of time. Or better yet, date someone and see if you like them first and then have some sex. If it doesn’t work out, then end it. Don’t keep getting physical. I have made this mistake so many times, so learn from me! 

If you’ve managed to make a friends with benefits relationship work, develop into something more, or end nicely then kudos to you. But you are most definitely an exception and obviously lying. Just kidding. I’d love to hear about your experience. 

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get going on my Monday night single girl routine of Netflix and vegan food.

xx