“The Air is Hummin’ and Something Great is Comin’!”

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“We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain.” -Alan Watts

I had a first date with this guy one time that was so amazing…he picked me up, we went to the cutest little Italian bar and had 4 glasses of wine each, had amazing conversation, played guitar and sang to each other back at my apartment, and then it ended with one of the best kisses I’ve ever had in my life. He never called me again.

One of my best friends met a guy out of the blue on set whom she shared a high school friend with, had an amazing date with him, had crazy chemistry, had mind-blowing sex in which the condom broke, and she never heard from him again.

Another of my close friends met a friend of mutual friends at a BBQ on the 4th of July and they shared one of those nights that you see happen only in the movies. They left the awesome party and ran around NYC and stopped at different bars for drinks, shared hot dogs together, had amazing rooftop conversation until the sun came up, and had amazing sex that morning. He was from the South and such a gentleman that he wanted to take her to dinner the next day and have a proper date. The dinner date was amazing but after that they had about 2 weeks of casual run-ins until he pulled away…

I met the hottest, smartest, most amazing guy while shopping for a new computer at Best Buy 2 weeks ago and felt such an automatic and intense connection with him and that shit NEVER happens to me. I gave him my number, which I NEVER do with strangers, and we went out last week for drinks. The chemistry was on fire and there was such obvious physical attraction. I haven’t heard from him since. Day 8 and counting…

What the fuck, hmmm? Why does this happen? What does it mean and why is the world so cruel and confusing??

We will never know. The only person that knows for sure is the person who put an end to it. Trying to know why will only drive you crazy if you let it. Because here is the thing, you cannot control the actions of others and you can never know what they are really thinking and feeling (unless they tell you of course, and even then they are probably lying or putting it through some kind of filter) so why let it affect you?

They weren’t meant for you. They were probably a psychopath or a sociopath, or had an addiction, or were a cheater, or had halitosis, or were terrible in the bedroom. Maybe not, but at least you can THINK any one of these things to let yourself down easier.

I love that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie says to the Russian on their second date, “I haven’t heard from you for 3 weeks. I thought you died or something…” She and the Russian DID end up together for a while, but the cool thing was that Carrie didn’t freak out or wonder why he wasn’t calling. She was just cool and knowing that something or someone else could come along that she could get just as excited about. But dudes, for the love of fuck, no matter how busy you are, don’t wait 3 weeks to call someone after a first date.

Here’s the thing. If even one guy (or girl) is crossing your path, it’s a good thing whether it works out or not. Because it means that you are open, available, and ready. Unfortunately it may not be the mind set for that other person or they aren’t interested in pursuing you further, but at least you are attracting SOMETHING. Because we have all been through periods of time where literally no one has asked us out for months and we feel like we are def gonna die alone. But if that is the case, it’s important to figure out what’s going on with YOU and why you aren’t being approached.

You get what you give.

Only loving people find love.

If you are in an angry place, a sad place, a cynical place, etc. you aren’t going to attract many people (especially not the RIGHT people) and you need to do some more work on yourself. Which is why rebound relationships usually end up so toxic and dependent. No matter who broke up with who in the previous relationship, no one can come out of that being a whole, well rounded person immediately.

So that guy you met who you thought was awesome and never called? He may have just broken up with someone and realized he wasn’t ready. Timing is everything and if it’s even off, even just barely slightly, for one person then it’s over.

That person that fucked you and then you never heard from again was an asshole but just keep in mind that there are a bajillion people in this world and that a new and better opportunity will be coming your way. You are ON THE RIGHT TRACK. It’s coming. Every rejection feels like a punch in the face and can knock even the most confident person down a few pegs, but the more people you come into contact with the more chance you have of finding the right match.

You have to kiss a bunch of frogs before you find your prince or princess. The stars will align and the universe complies when you are truly ready to give and receive something amazing. It may take a few tries though!

Don’t lose hope. (This is a mantra I’m trying to sell to myself as much as to the rest of you.) It’s easy to dwell and agonize but it sure isn’t any fun. What’s FUN is knowing that you can, and deserve, to be with someone who is just as head over heels about you as you are about them. It DOES exist and it DOES happen. All it takes is a little faith from YOU that it may not come immediately or on your specific timeline, or with that specific person, but when you are open and loving and ready it IS coming.

Stay positive. Stay open. Stay loving. 🙂

xx

p.s. the title is a song lyric from West Side Story…I wonder if any of you are musical theatre dorks like me and knew that without seeing the picture!

You Don’t Need a Love Coach

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I would like to tell you all a little story I like to call, “How my former best friend fucked me up”. My former best friend of 5 years and I were inseparable as recently as 9 months ago. We texted and/or called each other at least 9 times a day and never went more than 2 days or so without seeing each other. We knew everything single thing about the other person and then some. She was my rock, my guide, my sister, my…..mom? My damaging therapist?

You see our relationship started to evolve into something strange after about year 3 and 1/2 and it continued downhill from there. She is 7 years older than me and very smart, but at times it felt as though she was trying to manipulate and control me instead of being nurturing and wise. As I neared my 30th birthday I knew that I had to break-up with her and her toxic energy. We fought and made each other miserable for months at the end until we had it out one night through text and I’ve never heard from her since.

Anyway, the point of this story is that I always looked to this person, the one who I always counted on to have my best interest, for all of my life choices. Toward the end of our relationship she began taking courses on how to be a “love coach” and thought she knew EVERYYYYTHING there was to know about courting, dating, and relationships. And because of that, she literally would shame me into making decisions with men that not only were not in my best interest, but were not in my character. At first I blindly followed her advice thinking that, of course, she knows best! She’s been trained! She has life experience! But what she was giving me was a perspective that was so shrouded by the negative, bitter lens she had on her OWN life and was damaging to mine.

Because of this, I literally have NO IDEA how to handle myself with guys. I am trying to undo YEARS of damage that she caused me by brainwashing me into thinking that her way was the only way. Now I am so shy and apprehensive with potential mates (which is completely out of character for me) and trying to carefully craft my every move so as to not to make a mistake. I don’t really know if I should hinder most of my natural impulses (which was basically her advice) or be myself and trust that the right guy will love me no matter what mistakes I make.

She would tell me to “sit on my hands” all the time and not text a guy when I really wanted to. She would tell me to “date everyone” even when I thought a guy was repulsive and wanted to refuse a date with him. She would tell me to “insist that the guy pick you up for the first date and only accept dinner and nothing less” even if it was someone I hardly knew. What was supposed to be some weird form of relinquishing control in dating turned into me being the ice-queen-super bitch who no one wanted to be around.

Here is the thing about your friends giving you advice: you have to know that it is completely biased and manipulated by what they choose to see and hear and what is going on with them at that moment. If I ask my friend who is dating a married man what advice she has for me her answer would be something along the lines of, “life is short. You just have to go with your gut instinct and know that even if the timing is bad that you have to follow your heart.” While my friend who is feeling insecure about her budding relationship would give me this advice on the same guy, “You just need to let him go and move on. You deserve better and he’s not good enough for you. You should join online dating to meet some new guys.”

And here is the thing, we ALL ask our friends for advice even when we know deep down what we want to do and what we feel is right. So why do we still take screen shots of text conversations and analyze and agonize all day over something that we can’t control? Why do we feel we need someone to tell us what to do and what moves to make? I have, on a number of occasions, had a friend dictate to me word for word what I should say to a new potential guy through text. Even if it’s something that would never come out of my mouth in real life I still trust that more than my own intuition.

I went out with this new guy that I met last Friday and I literally called one of my friends after every single text he sent to have her dissect what he was really thinking and what I should respond back. She wanted me to be very proper and forward in my responses instead of sending texts that were light and humorous, which is my jam. If we can’t be ourselves when we meet someone new, then what is the point? He asked me out because he liked who I was, not the perfect manufactured version of me.

But years of damage from ex-bestie and years of being single have made me so confused about the game. I figure if I’ve been single for this long it must mean that I’ve been doing MOST everything wrong and that I need someone to fix me. Right? I dunno. Dating is so weird and hard especially in this modern age. Everyone is trying to feel as little as possible and be as casual as can be that you can’t get a direct answer out of anyone.

What does it all mean?! When can I finally stop agonizing?! When will I know what’s right?? When can I begin to trust that what I think immediately is what I should do?

So many questions. It takes all the fun out of dating. Was it only easy when I was 22? Is this a sign of getting older? Or is this merely a sign that I’ve finally grown up and am ready for something serious and therefore taking it all more seriously? I hope that’s the case. I just wish I could chill the fuck out and enjoy the ride. I’m trying to do the same in my career, which leads me to believe that some day soon down the line it will ALL come together and I will be ridiculously happy for all eternity.

Maybe you can actually trust yourself and know that when you are ready the right one will waltz into your life and stick no matter if you sent him a text when you shouldn’t have or not. Or if you were too talkative at dinner or tried to pay or made some other game-changing mistake.

I have to choose to believe that the universe has a bigger plan for me and to just be myself and let go and allow for what’s right to be there when it’s supposed to. I can feel it coming… 🙂

xx

You Don’t Even KNOW Single…

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You know what’s fucking annoying??

Those people who complain about being single when they have only been single for about 5 fucking minutes. Oh, you’ve been single for a year? POOR YOU! Try FIVE years. You have been on the market for many months and are becoming frustrated with boys and dating? Oh okay, well again, try feeling that for many YEARS.

There is a GIF that has been going around on Buzzfeed/Jezebel/Gawker for a while of Adele shrugging her shoulders and saying, “I’m always single.” Really, Adele? You were maybe 22 at the oldest when that interview happened? And your albums 19 and 21 were all songs written about former lovers? Are you considering your “always single” time starting from age SIX? You don’t know what it’s like, sweetie. Nope. 

That girl Amy who I devoted a whole post about (Why Can’t You Be More Like Amy?) has literally never been single in her adult life and had the gall to try and give me advice about MY life when I told her I was starting to delve into indifference about dating. She said:

“And that’s when it always happens. When you stop looking for it. That’s how it happened for me.”

Fueled by alcohol and a growing disdain for her I lashed out and said:

“What do you know about it, Amy? You had overlapping relationships! You still had a boyfriend living with you when you started dating your current boyfriend! You have no idea what it’s like!”

I had steam coming out of my ears after that exchange because it was so insulting for her to try and relate to me when she will never experience the type of loneliness I have. I’m not suicidal or something, but the kind of thoughts that go through your brain when you are constantly alone for every holiday and family function and wedding and vacation at the age that I am will never compare to her two week hiatus from a pillow buddy.

She doesn’t know what it’s like to experience the cycle of hope to anger to disgust to apathy to hope again and then to bitterness about dating on the regular. It’s exhausting. One day you put a big smile on your face and scream, “I am a happy, healthy woman who is in a relationship with MYSELF! All you need is self-love, people!” and then the next day you’re crying in the shower because you woke up feeling empty for the umpteenth time and on the way to the bathroom you stubbed your toe and there was no one there to comfort you.

You don’t know single until you literally can’t even remember the last time you had a crush or went on a date. You don’t know single until you’ve gone A YEAR AND A HALF without having sex.

My co-worker was complaining the other day while we were on break about having gone SOOOO LONG without sex and I asked her exactly how long we were talking. “A couple months”, she replied. I almost choked on my seaweed salad. I one-upped her by telling her about my even-more-perpetually-single-than-me friend Allison who had gone almost four years without it. Honestly if I went more than 2 I would probably have a nervous breakdown. And I don’t even care about sex all that much if I’m being honest (and don’t freak out, I just mean relationships are more important to me than empty sex with randos). But everyone needs that type of release OCCASIONALLY. 

You don’t know single until you have an SSB ritual that you engage in on most drunken nights that is absolutely absurd. (If you don’t know what SSB is and you are a female, shame on you. It’s from Sex and the City and it means “secret single behavior.” Fuck, I miss that show.) I’m not going to FULLY divulge mine, hence the “secret” part, but I will tell you that it usually involves me eating peanut butter with a spoon and filming myself playing rap songs acoustically on my guitar. 

Come talk to me when you have read a self-help book. 

Come talk to me when you’ve considered dating someone who is 7 years younger than you because you are running out of options.

Come talk to me when you have been to the movies by yourself more than once a month.

Give me advice when you have started a blog/journal/diary in order to give your emotions an outlet.

Give me advice when you are going to regular therapy to avoid becoming an alcoholic or depending on Valium.

Until then, shut the fuck up and enjoy your vanilla boyfriend that you settled for. 

At least I have been in one serious relationship with a man I was madly in love with. I feel grateful for having experienced that. There is a girl who I am friends with on Facebook who revealed in a post (don’t ever reveal things like this in a public post) that at 34 she had never been in love. Can you imagine a world so bleak? 

Obviously there is more to life than having a boyfriend and I am extremely happy and fulfilled in all other areas, but to love someone and be loved back is the greatest gift you can ever receive. I’m just eagerly awaiting the chance to have that again!

I hope all of you have been in love and have loved before. And the nice thing to always think about is the fact that the only constant in life is change and that we all could be in love at this time next year. And sadly the opposite could be true for those of you who are happily in a relationship. 

So I guess what I’m saying is that I’m going to stop complaining about being single too because it could ALWAYS be worse. 🙂

xx

I Do Not Envy Your Shitty Relationship

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This is a conversation one of my good friends had with me last night:

“You need to get out more. You should join a rec league.” (NOPE. This makes me want to vomit in my mouth more than I can even explain. And I am a former ATHLETE too!)

“Are you serious? I am out more than a 21 year old college student.” -Me

“Well why don’t you get on Tinder then?”

“Why in the ever loving fuck would I do that?” -Me

“To just chit chat.”

“Why in the ever loving fuck would I just want to chit chat with STRANGERS?!”

By the way, this conversation wasn’t the least bit provoked by me. I was lamenting the fact that I needed to move on from Boyband, but was in no way asking for advice on how to get dates or find new men. I find plenty of men, without the help of Tinder or rec leagues thank you very much, I’m just being patient and waiting for when it’s right. I wish I could get under someone else in order to get over Boyband but I also know that I get easily emotionally attached by being physically intimate, so it would only transfer my pain onto someone new. Not smart.

Anyway, after this conversation my friend revealed to me that her boyfriend of a year and a half and her hadn’t been having sex. She said they were lucky to get it in once or twice a MONTH. AND he is a bit older than her and has no plans to have children, which has been a goal of hers for forever. She knows there is an expiration date and yet continues to waste her best years on him. 😦

I have another friend who hadn’t had sex with her boyfriend in almost a YEAR until the dry spell was broken by a threesome recently. WHAT THE F. My other friends and I are completely baffled by this. The conclusions we have drawn are that the boyfriend is either gay or addicted to porn.

I have another friend who is super recently separated from her husband after about a year of being unhappy. She married at 23 (way too young, please don’t ever do that) to a man almost 20 years her senior and British, which was doomed from the start. At 23 you are going to be going through A LOT of changes and at 40 you are pretty much done changing and stuck in your ways. He was very controlling and had addiction issues which led to a lot of mental and emotional abuse for her.

I have another friend who is recently separated from her husband because it had been revealed that he was a full blown sex addict who was a member of multiple fetish websites and online dating sites and could be found trolling Craigslist for blow jobs from strangers on the regular WHILE MARRIED. This is especially upsetting because I was under the impression that this was the absolute perfect couple whose relationship I aspired to have. From the outside it seemed like a fairytale. And it was, until the rug was ripped out from under my poor friend.

I have another (former) friend whose husband married her for a green card unbeknownst to her (it’s amazing how drunk and manipulated we get on love sometimes) and was also revealed to be a porn and sex addict.

I was at a birthday party recently for a friend and was feeling a little lonely because all of the girls who were there who I thought were single suddenly had dates to bring to the party. They chatted away intimately with their dates or in little groups of foursomes while I preceded to get hammered off of Fireball shots and tried to figure out how to stream the Pacers/Heat game on my phone. (I grew up with four brothers, leave me alone.)

A couple days after the party my friend Lisa told me that our friend Annie and her date had already broken it off because he had trouble getting it up. She said that she believed Annie had tried to turn a friendship into something more but that it failed because there was no chemistry or sexual attraction.

My point is that a relationship doesn’t always equal happiness. And from the outside any relationship could present something completely opposite to what goes on behind closed doors. I choose to be single and wait for what will hopefully be an amazing partnership rather than latch onto something that is wrong or flawed from the beginning. I am mindful of red flags and know myself enough to know whose personality would clash with mine and who I have no chemistry with. I’m not saying I am better or smarter than my friends, but I do think that when it comes to relationships, being picky is a valuable asset to have.

Some relationships of course start off amazing and then tank as it goes on. That’s the risk you take when you choose to make that leap. And most of the time the rewards outweigh the risks. You just have to be cautious.

But watching all of my friends go through this and then dole out relationship advice to me is quite humorous to say the least. It’s almost like it’s what they wish they were doing instead of being stuck in a shitty relationship. Because most of the time it doesn’t even have anything to do with me and what my life is really like. I appreciate their efforts to help me not BE SAD AND SINGLE YOU POOR THING!, but maybe they should focus on fixing their own relationship.

No relationship is perfect and everyone probably has a thing or two that they need to work on even in super happy relationships, but currently I am beyond thrilled that I don’t have to be expending that effort. It feels really good to come home from work late at night and put on sweatpants and watch Chelsea Lately and eat peanut butter straight from the jar instead of sadly trying to figure out why my man has a limp dick and no sex drive. I would take being single over being in a bad or wrong relationship a million times over.

Those stupid girls who are always in a relationship aren’t more attractive or desirable than you. They are just dependent and unable to be happy on their own. There are 27 guys who I could’ve laughed and charmed my way into being with this year, but instead I choose to hold out. This way I can wait for what I deserve and learn as much as possible about myself and bring a whole, awesome being to a mature and real relationship.

I really hope all of my friends can find healing and happiness and/or be strong enough to leave a relationship that’s not right. It’s really hard as a woman to go through life on your own and be self-sufficient. And it’s super hard to find people who are ready and committed to having a healthy relationship here in LA, but it is possible. All it takes is a dash of hope, a whole and healthy mind, an open heart, and a lot of patience. 🙂

 

xx

Letting Go Of The Past and Future to Make Your Present Perfect

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“Why do(es) anxiety, stress, or negativity arise? Because you turned away from the present moment. And why did you do that? You thought something else was more important. One small error, one misperception, creates a world of suffering.” -Eckhart Tolle

Eckhart Tolle is a spiritual teacher best known for his book, “The Power of Now”, which teaches the importance of living in the present moment and not fixating on past or future ideas. It is a very simple, and yet extremely powerful and transformational way to live. If you are stuck in past ideas you can experience (among other things) anguish, longing, regret, and disappointment. If you concern yourself constantly with the future you can experience fear, stress, anxiety, or doubt. But if you stay in the present moment and see things as facts that are ever changing, you can experience such freedom and happiness. 

I haven’t read his book yet, and all I have to really go off of are quotes of his and interviews with Oprah on YouTube. But already I feel so much lighter and more positive with everything in my life. By staying in the here and now I feel so much more gratitude for what is and not anger or fear about what isn’t.

This applies to my creative life, and more importantly, my love life. I’m always trippin’ out about being single and focusing on that fact instead of just being free and happy to live my life today in whatever way that I want and allow love to come into my life when the timing and the person is right.

D.H. Lawrence said, “Those that go searching for love only make manifest their own lovelessness, and the loveless never find love, only the loving find love, and they never have to seek for it.” 

It’s so refreshing to think that I can relinquish the control I’m trying to have over my own love life and just let it go! All of my concern and anticipation of the moment of finally getting my fairytale love story is leading me to think that then and only then will I experience peace and happiness. Tolle says, “People believe themselves to be dependent on what happens for their happiness.” And let me tell you, that is EXHAUSTING. I don’t want to be marred by that anymore.

Yes, I am definitely ready and open for a relationship. But it doesn’t have to be forced and it doesn’t have to be wrapped up in my impatience. I’m letting my ego get the best of me when if I just focused on the present and had gratitude for what I DO have I would be so much happier.

And don’t get me wrong, I am happy in so many ways in my life. But I do feel like having a special someone would just be a nice little added bonus to my already awesome existence. Maybe the fact that I’ve been so focused on it has prevented it from manifesting itself in my life. Who knows, but from today forward I’m excited by the idea of letting go of all of my future hang ups about it.

***

My most recent ex lover (whom I’ve talked about before, whom we will refer to from here on out as “Boyband”) and I had a discussion/argument/talk/heart to heart last week about our current situation. We have a very long history together that has evolved from a friendship to a crush to a hook up situation to love and then to destruction and back to ??? again. It’s mentally and emotionally draining and we can never seem to figure out if we should be together or not.

Anyway, every time we have one of these talks he ends up mentioning his ex girlfriend. Apparently she was like me in so many ways even down to the fact that we have the same Astrological sign, which he puts WAY too much importance on. This girlfriend basically sucked the life and happiness out of him and they ended up hating each other. I can feel the bad energy from him every single time I do something that reminds him of her and it makes me self-conscious. 

He has to understand that we are different people and it’s not fair for him to constantly compare me to her, but he also needs to make peace with his past and stay in the present moment or else we have ZERO chance of success in OUR relationship.

It took me a really long time to realize that this was the main problem between us. During our talk last week he mentioned her and I said:

“Do you realize that I’ve NEVER spoken about my ex boyfriend to you? And yet I have to hear about your ex ALLLLL the time.”

And Boyband said:

“That’s because you didn’t learn anything from that relationship.”

I responded with:

“Yes I did. I learned that all men cheat.” (Which is a pretty true statement, but that’s a subject for a whole other blog post.)

After thinking about that exchange so many times I realized that the correct response from me should have been, “No, it’s because I’m not living in the past.” He has to reconcile in himself whatever happened with her or else there is no way in hell that he and I can move forward. I’m still not convinced that he and I can have a successful relationship anyway but our chances are at 0% if we can’t even get to the point of ENTERING the relationship. All I see in his eyes and in his words is this fear of repeating the past. I can’t compete with his ideas about the past and I can’t soothe his fears about the future. Either he will live in the present moment and take it for it is or we will never be together. 

It’s not all his fault though, of course. I’ve wondered before if my PRESSURE on him to make our union exclusive and committed hasn’t ruined it already. I was so eager to seal the deal to placate my insecurity that I came off looking a little desperate and controlling.  

He needs to let go of the past and I need to calm down about the future and maybe we can make our present perfect. 

***

A lot of people struggle to deal with demons from their past, especially men in my opinion. When women are done with a relationship they usually have an easier time making room for someone else. But it takes men SO much time and effort to open their hearts to someone and express their feelings, especially after multiple breakups, that I wonder sometimes if they will always be damaged forever by that ONE or FIRST heartbreaker. 

Maybe our parents were the smart ones who married their first love right out of college. They don’t even KNOW love pain.

With every failed relationship our hearts feel chipped away at more and more. But it doesn’t HAVE to leave scars forever. Don’t make your current boyfriend or girlfriend pay for your past. With every new partner it’s a clean slate. A new experience. A chance to be your best self at the present moment. 

It’s about changing your mentality and the framing of your life and the lens at which you see things through and it isn’t going to happen overnight. But as my acting teacher always says, “if it doesn’t serve you, then don’t allow it to consume you”. Easier said then done, but knowing the freedom that present moment living brings is enough to get me to forever work on it. 

xx

Lover Lo

 

Threesomes

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I’m starting to feel like such a prude these days.

I know of 2 girls in my friend group who have recently had threesomes with their bf’s and another girl. And after that shocking news I was watching the newest episode of Mad Men last night and there’s Don Draper having one with his wife Megan and Megan’s friend. Are threesomes the new normal for couples? Or maybe not even new? Is this something most couples do and I’m just super naive about it?

I can understand wanting to spice up your sex life now and again, but how on earth can you just sit and watch as someone else performs sexual acts on your husband/boyfriend? I would sooner die then sit back and let that happen no matter how drunk/drugged/fucked up I am. NO THANKS. If I even saw my lover KISS another woman I would cut off his dick and put it in a jar under the sink (that is a line from American Beauty, aka, the greatest movie of all time).

I also just don’t understand the idea that most girls are cool with hooking up with another girl, which again makes me feel like a prude. Is that something that I’m weird for not wanting to do? I’ve learned since moving to LA that most people fall on a gay/straight sort of spectrum and that not everything is so black and white, so it shouldn’t be odd that some women are cool with same sex sex. BUT what about threesomes with 2 guys and girl? How often do you hear of that happening with two guys who claim to be straight? NEVERRRRR.

Which leads me to believe that there is something fishy going on. Hey girl, do you reallllly wanna hook up with another girl and watch your boyfriend get a blow job by someone else. Yes? LIAR. I don’t believe you. I think that these girls are having threesomes solely FOR THEIR MAN. And it makes me sad. Why do feel like you have to compromise yourself in order to please him? Are you alone not good enough? 

I think these girls are so frightened of losing their man that they need to be the “cool chick” who is “up for anything” and in the process feel like shit about themselves. You can say that maybe they felt empowered by it and that it was thrilling to do something different, and my friends tried to say all of these things, but my gut tells me that they aren’t being fully truthful.

Can we just please start being honest about what’s up?

“I haven’t gotten any in months and the only way I could was to bring in a 3rd party”

“I felt my boyfriend was getting bored and was afraid he might stray. So why not bring a girl in so that he doesn’t do it behind my back?”

“I really want to do something nice for my man for his birthday/our anniversary so I thought he would love 2 girls instead of one. It’s not what I want but I’ll do it for him.”

I’m trying to be really open minded and I realize that everyone is different. But I can’t help but feel that most women are wired the same way and since we are so emotionally attached to sex that having a threesome would be more dramatic than these women lead on. Men can have sex and not feel anything. It’s scientifically proven. Women have a harder time doing that and really connect sex more with love and worth than just physical pleasure. 

On Mad Men it was all over Megan’s face that she felt completely embarrassed and ashamed of her sex act the next morning. Don acted like it was no big deal and she wanted to feel that way too but obviously couldn’t. 

I just wish that women could realize that they are enough and that a good man deserves only her and nothing more. I think if you are at the point of threesomes in the relationship than there are bigger problems happening that one person is too nervous to bring up.

Or maybe I’m just a prude??

And if I am a prude and this kind of behavior is normal then what chance do I have to be in a real relationship if most other girls are putting that kind of thing on the table? I definitely won’t compromise myself in order to have that, but I’m starting to feel a little dull and vanilla. I only have my one body to offer. If a guy is coming off of a relationship with a girl who was “cool” with threesomes is he going to stray when he is with me? 

I hope that when the right guy comes along he will shrug it off when I tell him I’m just not comfortable with it. He will have to watch some porn if he wants to experience that.

We are in the age of low attention spans and multi-tasking, and I am the queen of that, but I gotta tell ya, it seems like there is just too much going on in that situation to even enjoy it. Who knows, maybe I will change my mind one day. But for now I think I want to stick to one person in the boudoir. 

If you totally disagree with me please leave a comment. I would seriously love to know how you feel about it!!!

xx

 

Anger Management – Be More Like Amy

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Ooooooo man. I am ON one today. My internet AND cable isn’t working and I have to be on call for the AT&T service guy to come to my place anytime between the hours of 8am today and tomorrow at 9pm. Just kidding. But seriously, how do they expect a person to just chill at their apartment all afternoon to wait for these guys. I have shit to do! And with no internet I have to be at the coffee shop to write this, which means as soon as they text that they’re on their way I have to haul ass home or they charge me.

I’m especially angry because my roommate was trying to fix our DVR last night and ended up shutting the whole thing down. So because the problem is her fault, you would expect HER to sit and wait for the service guy, right?! NOPE! She’s going to the ELLEN show today and since she never wakes up before noon I can’t expect her to get anything done. The responsibility always falls on my shoulders. Ugh. If you want something done you have to do it yourself. 

Not only is that problem bothering me but so is the fact that this dog keeps incessantly barking while his owner is inside getting coffee. LEAVE YOUR DOG AT HOME, dude! He obviously isn’t one of those chill dogs who can just hang and be cool while you get your pretentious decaf latte with almond milk! (Haha, that’s actually what I drink. It’s so dumb isn’t it?)

Anyway, every time I’m having one of these moments when the steam comes out of my ears I am reminded of a conversation that a friend had with me a little while back. We were all hanging out at my favorite karaoke bar having a grand old time when he suddenly and swiftly killed my happy buzz by offering me some wise advice. I’m gonna try to quote the conversation verbatim as best I can:

“Lauren, have you ever been with a girl?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I just have no desire to.”

“Sometimes I think that the reason you’re so angry is because you actually want to be with girls.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re obviously very beautiful and a very strong woman but you’re an angry person. You’re a ball buster. That’s why I like Amy so much (his girlfriend). She never gets mad about anything. You should try therapy. I really think it could help you.”

I mean, WHAT IN THE FUCK. This was just the climax of the conversation too. It went on before this for about 20 minutes. I wasn’t angry before that convo, but at that point he was gonna see some anger. How dare he think he can analyze me and why I’m single or what my sexual orientation might be or how I could find a mate if I were only MORE LIKE AMY. I just don’t even know where to begin…

I’m not a patient person. Sometimes I fight. I like to joke around with guys and poke fun because I have four brothers and that was the only way to survive. I am a hot head and an Aries and very passionate. Sometimes I fly off the handle at little things, but I can also reset very quickly. 0 to 100 and back to 0 again. 

I wish I were more like Amy. 

Amy is the type of girl who ALWAYS has a boyfriend. In fact, her ex was still living with her at the time my friend and her got together. She gets to have OVERLAP! I’ve been alone for FIVE YEARS! And I’ve brought that upon myself because I’m not more like Amy.

I’m sorry I’m not a pushover. I’m sorry that I speak my mind. I’m sorry that I have opinions and fight for what I believe in and get pissed if I’m not getting something that I deserve. I really am sorry…to myself. Because myself is what is getting in the way of me having a relationship.

Of course I have my other issues too, but I think a lot of it can stem back to my anger. Angry girls don’t have boyfriends. They are mistaken for lesbians. They are hard to “deal with” or “handle”. 

Maybe I really should go to therapy. But I’m not sure that would help my anger on a day to day basis. Sometimes I just want to think, “well a real man could deal with that” but I also don’t want a guy to have to DEAL with my difficulties. On the other hand I wonder if maybe I just haven’t found a guy that I’m compatible with. Or it could be because I’m always accepting less than I deserve and so my anger comes out a lot as insecurity and fear. 

I wish I were more like Amy.

The reason the conversation I had with my friend was so upsetting to me is because I’m afraid he’s right. I don’t want to wake up one morning at 36 and be like my ex-bff who is as angry and bitchy and difficult as they come. Because if I don’t handle this shit now it’s only going to get worse. 

There is a book called “The Surrendered Single” by Laura Doyle which for the past couple years had been my bible. In it she explains how strong women often treat boyfriends like someone they have to or need to control. She says that women like us need to learn to let things go and surrender themselves to the present moment and to focus on things they are grateful for. Her tag line is “Feminine is the new feminism” which could turn many a feminist away. But I always thought that since what I was currently doing wasn’t working for me I might as well try her ways. 

It works for a minute until I revert back to the real me. It’s just so hard to keep it under control all the time! She says that by relinquishing control you will actually feel freer. But for me it just makes me bottle up the anger and feel anxious. But I guess at this point I have two choices: learn to work on it or be single forever. I choose the former, thanks. 

During a conversation with my most current love (which happened a couple months before the above convo) I actually said to him, “I think you should be with someone like Amy or Sarah. They’re more easygoing than I am.” I was willing to send him away because I knew that he would end up hating me down the road. And away he went…

I wish I were more like AMY!!!!

I’m not going to be submissive and introverted EVER. But I think maybe I can keep my fat ass mouth shut on every single issue and pick my battles wisely. It’s doesn’t matter in the long run usually and it’s probably making my blood pressure go up anyway.

All of us are responsible for our own emotions. We choose how we are going to deal with things and we decide what reactions to have. No one else is the cause of our experience. The problem is me. I need to change. And I think sooner rather than later would be great. Happiness and joy comes from inside. Having a guy should be fun and add to my life, not make it unbearable as I sometimes make it. I’m a work in progress still…

xx

 

 

Having It All

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Are your parents still together? Mine are. And a lot of my friends’ parents are. Mine have been together for 38 years. Can you imagine?! I haven’t even been with someone for longer than 3 years. And the older I get the more I’m afraid that I’m going to be alone forever. Or at least not be able to find someone who I can imagine spending 38 years with. Why is this? How do my parents make love seem so easy?

Times were simpler then. People were getting married right out of college and starting families right away. So is it the kids that have kept them together? Is it the choice to keep loving the same person year after year? Or is it that their dreams and career goals just weren’t as ambitious as mine? How come they found each other so easily and have had smooth sailing ever since? Why can’t I have that? Why can’t my friends have that?

My parents are very content to spend their days with each other, have white collar careers, and raise a family. They get excited about their kids getting married or giving them grandkids. They look forward to small trips within the US and relaxing at home and doing yard work on the weekends. I guess what you could say is that my parents enjoy a simple life. I have never wanted just a simple life. The idea of that seems worse than death. So is that the trade off then for me? That I can either find love and happiness or I can live a more exciting life?

I can’t help but feel like maybe my career choice and my location have thrown a wrench into my plans for a solid, loving relationship. And because my career has caused me to think more selfishly does that mean I have to find someone who has a completely opposite career path? Because two selfish people does not a healthy relationship make. 

But I live in LA! I’m surrounded by actors, writers, directors, musicians, and creators! They are the ones I WANT to be with. We understand each other and have similar interests. We get it that the career comes first most of the time. So maybe we have harder relationships. We have to make more effort and sacrifice more than my parents did. They had 9-5 jobs. They had more time together. They never had to go on “tour” or “shoot on location”.   

In my acting class I worked on a play for a veryyyyy long time called, “Isn’t It Romantic” by Wendy Wasserstein. My teacher gave it to me because she knew that I embodied the character of Harriet Cornwall better than anyone else. Harriet is a Cambridge and Harvard educated woman living in NYC who is on the verge of turning 30 and experiencing an existential crisis. She has always put her career first and dominated in the business world but has nothing real happening in her romantic life. She has wonderful friends and a cool mom and seems so happy on the outside but is screaming for more on the inside. One day at lunch at The Four Seasons she asks her mother this question:

“Mother, do you think it’s possible to be married or living with a man, have a good relationship and children that you share equal responsibility for, and a career, and still read novels, play the piano, have women friends and swim twice a week?”

And her mother responds with, “You mean what the women’s magazines call, ‘having it all’? Harriet, that’s just your generation’s fantasy.”

IS THAT JUST MY GENERATION’S FANTASY?! Will we never be able to have it all?! This idea simply CRUSHES me. I want to. I need to. I have to. I can’t compromise in any area. But what if Harriet’s mom is right?

At the end of the play Harriet ends up “settling” for a nice man who she can make a nice life with. She gives up on the idea of waiting to find her one true love and making that relationship work and instead creates the opportunity for herself by taking the easy thing. 

I hate the word NICE. It’s so plain and stupid. If I ever meet a man who I just describe as “nice” we will never have a relationship. I can’t handle dull but easy. I want a fiery, complicated love. I want passion and excitement. And maybe that’s the problem. That kind of love distracts you from your goals. 

Did my parents settle so that they could have that “nice life”? Maybe they had bigger goals for themselves that I just don’t know about! I know they are both happy, but could it be possible that they had to sacrifice certain things in order to create a solid, loving family life?

When I told my Mom I wanted to move to LA and become an actress she said, “why don’t you just stay here in Indiana and have a family and do community theatre” as if that would be enough for me. Did she not understand my burning desire for more or did she know that I wouldn’t be 100% happy and wanted to save me from that feeling? Or is that the whole thing? Either way I am not going to be 100% happy. Maybe I should just settle now and get it over with. 

Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook and writer of the book “Lean In”, seems to be doing this thing we call “having it all” and is of my parents’ generation. Also see, Tina Fey. But maybe they settled too. One can never be sure. Find a man who loves you more than you love him and who is NICE and maybe a solid 6 while you’re a 10 and you can have the career you’ve always wanted!

But we all know that I’m not going to settle. I may have to continue to follow my career and push down these impatient feelings of yearning for love until it pops off and THEN follow my dreams for a relationship. Or I’ll just be exhausted trying to keep a bunch of balls in the air while pursuing all of it at once. 

Here’s to hoping that I experience the success I’m looking for soon so that I can shift my focus, because I am BEYOND ready for a real, true, amazing love. 

xx

“You throw yourself into your work with a determination that can only come from trying to find a replacement for love.” @WRDSMTH

 

Heartbreak For The Highly Sensitive Person

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I always used to wonder why I would be the only one in my family or friend group covering my eyes in a movie theatre during a super violent war type film or sobbing at the tear jerker ending in something as silly as a romantic comedy film. It was so embarrassing for me one time when I went to see “The Help” with my best friend a couple years ago and I was crying so hard that I was shaking my entire row of seats in a packed house theatre. I almost had to leave and compose myself in the bathroom, but I didn’t want to miss any of the movie. My friend looked over at me several times and laughed a little at my mascara smudged face and offered tissues from her purse. Her eyes were a bit misty, but she was nowhere near the level of my agony.

I had always been thought of as the “tough” girl who never cried and hardly showed emotion when I was younger. I prided myself on not letting little things get to me and never letting anyone see a vulnerable side to my personality. But a lot of people know, and I discovered, that the toughest ones are the ones who are covering up the most.

I wanted to keep up that tough as nails veneer for as long as possible but as an actor/artist, my deepest thoughts and feelings had to be unlocked in order to truly emulate other people and experience empathy. Through acting classes I was almost forced into getting to that place, lest I’d be known as a “bad actor” which I refused to accept. I let my guard down for the first time in my life and boy did I experience ALL THE THINGS. And once pandora’s box was opened, there was no going back. I can’t help but feel everything so deeply now. My own feelings and the feelings of others.

It’s nice to not be blocked emotionally but it’s also distracting to go through life feeling so affected by your environment. It didn’t feel normal until I discovered that I am a “highly sensitive person”. The personality trait “the highly sensitive person” (HSP) was made popular by Elaine N. Aron Ph.D in the 90’s. The characteristics, such as crying easily, being sensitive to smells, sounds, and light, and being emotionally reactive, describe me to an absolute T. I finally was able to identify why I have so many issues in my relationships with friends and lovers.

Fights with my friends or boyfriends can turn really nasty and hurtful because I only think from an emotional standpoint and not rationally. If they hurt me I want to hurt them even worse to experience what I’m feeling. When I get angry I get explosive and when I am hurt I am devastated. So when a relationship ends for me, I absorb a debilitating blow that affects me so much that sometimes I think I’m going to die of heartbreak.

I have been trying so hard for months to get over my most recent lover, who I felt I needed to cut out of my life because he couldn’t commit to me, to no avail. I have good days, but I also have really bad days where I can barely make it through without crying. And it got me thinking: out of the 3 times that I’ve been in love I have been an absolute mess of the most epic proportions after the breakup. More than most people seem to be. When I talk to other people about their breakups, they usually manage to speak rather objectively about it. I can’t even bear talking about my breakup because if I did, I would burst out into tears and make them uncomfortable and probably ruin their day. Sometimes I can’t even leave the house for fear of being made to talk about it but if I do, I make sure everyone knows to not ask me about it.

“IT.” The trauma that comes after lost love. What you tried to avoid but love made you do.

Everyone is different and every relationship is different, but for most people it probably takes a couple months to get over an ex-lover. For me, it takes sometimes years for me to come to terms. I just can’t stop intensely obsessing for so long. I care and I hurt and I cry more than the average person. It’s really not fair. And it’s no wonder that I’m so afraid of being open and vulnerable. If I do my heart will take a major beating when it inevitably ends. It makes me want to avoid it altogether. I have to be more careful who I open my heart to. I have to make sure they’re worth it and that they deserve me.

When I’ve had my heart broken I go through so many different stages of emotion. But it usually starts with depressive sadness to the point where I become a shell of a person. I have to read self help books to ease me through the process and to know that I’m not alone. Then it develops into anger and cynicism for life. And then it turns back to sadness and extreme attachment withdrawal. Finally it turns back to anger once more and throwing my body at someone else to help numb the pain. It’s awful.

Friends will tell me, “it’s time to move on” or “you need to be more open to other men” and it makes me want to throw a brick at their face. How dare you expect me to move on so fast. I’ll move on in my own time when I can actually wake up without feeling like I want to drink or shoot herion to make it through the day and to quiet the rollercoaster of emotions. I’d give anything to not feel the way I’m feeling but how could opening my heart to someone new HELP? I may never open my heart to anyone else ever again.

It’s quite the hard-knock life for HSP’s like me. If you are not one of these types of people, count yourself lucky. If you are, I’m sorry, I relate to you, and you are not alone. The good news for HSP’s is that because we experience everything to it’s greatest potential, imagine what we’re like when we’re happy! We are SO HAPPY!!! And when we love we love SO MUCH. So a relationship with us will be full of affection and attention. However, we may stab you in the eye in the middle of night if you cross us. But it’s worth it.

****

I wrote a book!!! Follow my brand new writing account on Instagram @lonelyloverlo for inspiration, excerpts, and release dates!

 

 

 

 

 

Hey Boys, Here’s How NOT to Get A Second Date

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Since I’ve been single for forever I’ve had A LOT of time to rack up an accumulation of cringeworthy dates. You know, the kind where you vow to not date again for 6 months minimum? Some are awful right from the get-go and some just slowly evolve into a bad dream. And the worst part is you usually feel trapped by the fact that he paid, he drove, etc. and don’t feel that it’s polite to end it right away. So you suffer in agony through his dull stories and bad etiquette until you have had enough martini’s to soften the irritation building in your brain. 

For me, you get one try for a date and if I’m not super interested, or at least on the fence, then it’s over. And I have had one and done’s with the majority of guys I have been out with. I don’t feel like my standards are too high either. Just be cool and don’t be a douche. Those qualities should not be as hard to achieve as they have been. 

I always give a guy props though for having enough balls to approach a woman and ask her out (especially to dinner and ESPECIALLY if he calls instead of texts), so even if I don’t feel a spark right away I will give him credit for that and say yes. So dudes, if you get the date and you really like the girl, DO NOT do any of the things in these following examples. Kthxbai. 

Bad date #5

I was walking down the hallway of my apartment building after a long night at work, looking sweaty and shiny and tired, and I ran into Jarrod* who was taking some garbage to the trash shoot. Jarrod was this guy who I had run into several times in the elevator hallway and exchanged a polite hi, but that was it. He stopped me dead in my tracks by grabbing my arm and saying, “Hey! Do you want to go out sometime?” I was so caught off guard that the only response I could give was yes.

I gave him my number and regretted it immediately. He proceeded to text me about every 20 minutes from that night until we went to dinner about 4 nights later. “Hey! Good morning! What’s are your plans today?” “You’re so amazing! I’ve wanted to ask you out for months!” “You seem super fit. I’m actually really lazy and kind of a dork. I must warn you I really like fantasy football (actual text)” I mean, are you serious? All day text convos are designated only to my BFF and my Dad, if he even wanted to do that, which he doesn’t. 

Anyway, I still decided to give it one shot and went to dinner with him at a cute Italian restaurant. He received major brownie points from me for dressing suave, smelling nice, and having a good solid job that he explained to me all about. But the night took a huge left turn when he said, “After my ex and I broke up I’ve decided that I just really want to be honest about everything.” And he proceeded to tell me how amazing I was after almost every sentence I spoke, that I was so beautiful that it made him sweat and feel nervous, and that I’m so cool and awesome that he isn’t sure if he even deserves me because he is the biggest nerd ever. TONE IT DOWN, desperate! Jesus. I seriously had to say to him, “You know, some things are better in your head as thoughts than actually made audible. You might want to leave some mystery.” And he went on and on about how he’s no bullshit and I’m sorry if that scares me away blah blah. 

So guys, don’t be like Jarrod and reveal WAYYYYYY too much too soon and come on WAYYYY too strong. I mean, this dude didn’t know me at all. It was like he had been dreaming and fantasizing about me all day and night and had come up with this untouchable princess fantasy in his head. Yikes.

Bad Date #4

David* was a guy that I met while getting some late night grub at a diner. He was working behind the counter and he was just all charisma and charm while I waited for my to go food. He told me he was a student, so I figured the fact that he worked at a diner wasn’t the WORST thing ever. He got my number and we set a date to see a Shakespeare play, which is a perfect date idea for me.

While we were texting during the day of the date he slips in there that he wants me to drive. I was like, “Okayyyyy.” And he says, “I would, but I don’t have a car.” I was immediately thinking of canceling, but then I decided I really wanted to see the play. So I picked him up at his apartment and he told me he would navigate us there. He failed to tell me though that the theatre was in MALIBU, which is QUITE a trek from Hollywood, especially during rush hour. My car at the time was a 1997 Mitsubishi Galant, which is not nearly as glamorous as it sounds, and didn’t run very well. It also didn’t have cold AC, but it was about 150 degrees that day, so I was running it anyway. I was anxious the entire way there that the poor thing was going to break down.

The play was good, the conversation to and from was bad. He was very into himself and his “acting” and wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, complete with really bad grammar (total buzz kill for a writer). I thought we had found a common interest when he started talking about Al Pacino, but then mentioned “Goodfellas” which stars ROBERT DENIRO YOU IDIOT and it was all over with.  

It’s totally fine if a guy doesn’t quite have his shit together yet, but if you’re going to date people, suggest things that are cheap and fun and easy! However, the lesson here is: NO CAR? NO 2nd DATE. Sorry. Oh, and also, don’t be dumb. 

Bad Date #3

I met Greg* at The House of Blues one night to see my friend’s band play. He was cool and funny and tall and had a really nice confidence about him. He was a ginger though, which is SO not my style (I’m only half kidding). We agreed to meet at this piano bar on a Friday to drink and listen to some tunes. Well, here’s a warning to everybody: at a small piano bar you will NOT be able to hear your date. There were so many “what?”‘s and zero recognition head nods that finally we decided to go somewhere else.

I wished that we had stayed where I couldn’t hear him because once I could, I realized that he was a sexist pig bordering on misogynist. He told me all about these comedic YouTube videos he’d done of original rap songs, and his latest creation was called, “Don’t Feed My Girlfriend”. This genius work of art is about how he doesn’t want his girlfriend to get fat, so he asks others to please not give her food. In the video he has his girlfriend on a leash. I can’t make this shit up. I have a pretty high tolerance for offensive humor, but the video isn’t even good nor is it funny. It’s trash. The worst part of it was that he decided to give me a little “preview” of the video and rapped live for a veryyyyy uncomfortable 30 seconds. Like, no.

So guys, if you want to get a second date with a girl, make sure you keep all offensive video projects secured on YouTube or Vimeo with a super secret password so that she can’t find them for at least 6 months. She’ll probably find out that you’re a pig before then, but just in case.  

Bad Date #2

Matt* was a guy who I met out at a bar one night. I rarely give my number out at bars because I’m usually wearing beer goggles, but Matt made me laugh SO hard that I figured I could make an exception. He was pretty cute and spoke with a Southern drawl which I found made him seem even funnier. As soon as I got home that night he called me and we talked for almost 2 hours and I cried from laughter at his dumb one liners.

Our first meeting was at a bowling alley/bar in Hollywood that had late night karaoke, which is my favorite. He said his friend and his friend’s girlfriend would be joining us too, which I was fine with. I arrived at the bar and found them all outside smoking weed. I was like, “Oh hell, let me start drinking to be okay with this situation.” Once we came back inside we went upstairs to the karaoke room instead of bowling any games, which was weird to me. I suddenly realized that his friend, the girlfriend, and possibly even Matt were on some hard drugs. The girlfriend especially was totally on some other level and screeching into the mic when she got up to sing. I take karaoke very seriously and when I got up to sing I was going to show them all my chops and stupid friend and girlfriend took the other mic and sang with me, completely ruining the song. After doing this on my song #2 I just gave up and took a seat halfway through.

Matt finally realized that I was uncomfortable and wasn’t very surprised when I wanted to leave. He walked me to my car so slam hammered that I had to help him walk straight. I told him that I wanted to give him a ride since there was no way in hell he should be driving, but he wouldn’t take the offer. So we’re standing there talking and all of a sudden he smashes his face into mine and gives me the most awful, slobbery kiss ever with a mouth that was stale with the taste of beer and cigarettes. So, pretty much the least enjoyable kiss of all time. That was the last I saw of Matt.

Okay, so the lessons here are numerous but the biggest one being DON’T BE AN ALCOHOLIC and/or DRUGGIE.

Bad Date #1

Max* was a guy who was my server at my favorite local bar. Immediately he was enamored of me. He took such an interest in finding out about my life and who I was and was very attentive to my needs, whether they be food and drink related or not. He was convinced it was love at first sight and got my number. 

He would send me sweet texts here and there and one day wanted to see me at his bar around lunch time. He said that I should pick him up an eggnog latte from Starbucks on my way over. I couldn’t believe he would ask me that, and I joked around saying, “Whoa, I’m not your girlfriend yet.” He was not amused. Needless to say, I did not visit him that day. 

I did still go on the date though. We decided to have a picnic date in a park, which I thought was really different and cute, and before we headed over to find a spot he told me to pick a nail polish color out of the 4 he had in his hand. I thought he was giving me a gift and was so flattered. I chose the robin’s egg blue color. As soon as we sat down with our stuff he took off his shoes and socks and told me to paint his toenails. I was totally grossed out, but thought maybe it was like some weird fetish thing he did with girls he liked. Whatever. The lunch conversation began with him telling me he could see himself marrying me, but then 3 minutes later told me he was leaving in a week to do a charity run across the country for 3 MONTHS. Wtf?

After the picnic we went to walk around The Grove, which is an outdoor shopping center. It was decorated so beautifully for Christmas and he stopped 2 or 3 times to ask me to take pictures of JUST HIM in front of pretty decorated areas. After that he asked me if I wanted a chocolate dipped banana, and I was all, “definitely”. He ordered one too and then proceeded to tell me, “since I paid for lunch it’s your turn to pay.” I was completely turned off, but I did it. Who says shit like that?

Day turned into night and we went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner. After eating (and splitting the bill of course) he asked if we should watch a movie. My Wednesdays are very sacred to me and I have a bar I always go to with my friends and I told him this. He then says, “I cleared my whole schedule for you. That’s not really cool if you ditch now.” I mean apparently 8 hours is not enough time to give someone anymore. 

I decided to take him to my place to watch a movie. We looked On Demand and chose the movie he wanted to watch, of course. Afterwards we started making out (only because of the copious amounts of wine I had) and he asked to move to the bedroom. Normally on a first date I never let it get there, but my roommate had just gotten home so I figured it would be better for her. 

I can’t believe I’m about to tell you this next part…

We start really getting into the making out and we’re, ya know, dry humping, and sometimes girls can get (ahem) a little aroused by this sensation, which is exactly what happened. He stopped for a second after that and said, “now it’s my turn” and unzipped his pants. Seriously, I should’ve kicked him out right then for being so gross and forward but I didn’t. I gave him the driest, worst, most un-inspired hand job of my life just to give him what he wanted so he would leave. I felt so used and disgusted. It was like some kind of mental sexual assault. 

Guys, please don’t EVER do any of the things this guy did. Not only did he not get a second date, he got an earful to all of my friends and a blog post about how he is the worst date ever. Congrats, douche. 

I hope soon I won’t have to go on any more bad first dates because I will be in a relationship. One can dream, right?

Not all guys are stupid though and so my next post will feature my top 5 BEST dates. 🙂

xx

*all names changed, duh