Ooooooo man. I am ON one today. My internet AND cable isn’t working and I have to be on call for the AT&T service guy to come to my place anytime between the hours of 8am today and tomorrow at 9pm. Just kidding. But seriously, how do they expect a person to just chill at their apartment all afternoon to wait for these guys. I have shit to do! And with no internet I have to be at the coffee shop to write this, which means as soon as they text that they’re on their way I have to haul ass home or they charge me.
I’m especially angry because my roommate was trying to fix our DVR last night and ended up shutting the whole thing down. So because the problem is her fault, you would expect HER to sit and wait for the service guy, right?! NOPE! She’s going to the ELLEN show today and since she never wakes up before noon I can’t expect her to get anything done. The responsibility always falls on my shoulders. Ugh. If you want something done you have to do it yourself.
Not only is that problem bothering me but so is the fact that this dog keeps incessantly barking while his owner is inside getting coffee. LEAVE YOUR DOG AT HOME, dude! He obviously isn’t one of those chill dogs who can just hang and be cool while you get your pretentious decaf latte with almond milk! (Haha, that’s actually what I drink. It’s so dumb isn’t it?)
Anyway, every time I’m having one of these moments when the steam comes out of my ears I am reminded of a conversation that a friend had with me a little while back. We were all hanging out at my favorite karaoke bar having a grand old time when he suddenly and swiftly killed my happy buzz by offering me some wise advice. I’m gonna try to quote the conversation verbatim as best I can:
“Lauren, have you ever been with a girl?”
“I just have no desire to.”
“Sometimes I think that the reason you’re so angry is because you actually want to be with girls.”
“You’re obviously very beautiful and a very strong woman but you’re an angry person. You’re a ball buster. That’s why I like Amy so much (his girlfriend). She never gets mad about anything. You should try therapy. I really think it could help you.”
I mean, WHAT IN THE FUCK. This was just the climax of the conversation too. It went on before this for about 20 minutes. I wasn’t angry before that convo, but at that point he was gonna see some anger. How dare he think he can analyze me and why I’m single or what my sexual orientation might be or how I could find a mate if I were only MORE LIKE AMY. I just don’t even know where to begin…
I’m not a patient person. Sometimes I fight. I like to joke around with guys and poke fun because I have four brothers and that was the only way to survive. I am a hot head and an Aries and very passionate. Sometimes I fly off the handle at little things, but I can also reset very quickly. 0 to 100 and back to 0 again.
I wish I were more like Amy.
Amy is the type of girl who ALWAYS has a boyfriend. In fact, her ex was still living with her at the time my friend and her got together. She gets to have OVERLAP! I’ve been alone for FIVE YEARS! And I’ve brought that upon myself because I’m not more like Amy.
I’m sorry I’m not a pushover. I’m sorry that I speak my mind. I’m sorry that I have opinions and fight for what I believe in and get pissed if I’m not getting something that I deserve. I really am sorry…to myself. Because myself is what is getting in the way of me having a relationship.
Of course I have my other issues too, but I think a lot of it can stem back to my anger. Angry girls don’t have boyfriends. They are mistaken for lesbians. They are hard to “deal with” or “handle”.
Maybe I really should go to therapy. But I’m not sure that would help my anger on a day to day basis. Sometimes I just want to think, “well a real man could deal with that” but I also don’t want a guy to have to DEAL with my difficulties. On the other hand I wonder if maybe I just haven’t found a guy that I’m compatible with. Or it could be because I’m always accepting less than I deserve and so my anger comes out a lot as insecurity and fear.
I wish I were more like Amy.
The reason the conversation I had with my friend was so upsetting to me is because I’m afraid he’s right. I don’t want to wake up one morning at 36 and be like my ex-bff who is as angry and bitchy and difficult as they come. Because if I don’t handle this shit now it’s only going to get worse.
There is a book called “The Surrendered Single” by Laura Doyle which for the past couple years had been my bible. In it she explains how strong women often treat boyfriends like someone they have to or need to control. She says that women like us need to learn to let things go and surrender themselves to the present moment and to focus on things they are grateful for. Her tag line is “Feminine is the new feminism” which could turn many a feminist away. But I always thought that since what I was currently doing wasn’t working for me I might as well try her ways.
It works for a minute until I revert back to the real me. It’s just so hard to keep it under control all the time! She says that by relinquishing control you will actually feel freer. But for me it just makes me bottle up the anger and feel anxious. But I guess at this point I have two choices: learn to work on it or be single forever. I choose the former, thanks.
During a conversation with my most current love (which happened a couple months before the above convo) I actually said to him, “I think you should be with someone like Amy or Sarah. They’re more easygoing than I am.” I was willing to send him away because I knew that he would end up hating me down the road. And away he went…
I wish I were more like AMY!!!!
I’m not going to be submissive and introverted EVER. But I think maybe I can keep my fat ass mouth shut on every single issue and pick my battles wisely. It’s doesn’t matter in the long run usually and it’s probably making my blood pressure go up anyway.
All of us are responsible for our own emotions. We choose how we are going to deal with things and we decide what reactions to have. No one else is the cause of our experience. The problem is me. I need to change. And I think sooner rather than later would be great. Happiness and joy comes from inside. Having a guy should be fun and add to my life, not make it unbearable as I sometimes make it. I’m a work in progress still…